1 00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:11,344 [bell rings] 2 00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:14,431 Ahh. Smell all that floor cleanser. 3 00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,266 It is the first day of school. 4 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,185 Eighth grade! Look at us, growing up. 5 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:20,603 Not like Bart Simpson. 6 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,815 That yellow schmuck's been in fourth grade for, like, 30 years. 7 00:00:23,898 --> 00:00:26,901 Also, is his hair, like, his skin? 8 00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:29,112 -Yeah, he should get that looked at. -I mean, draw hair. 9 00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:31,114 [fanfare plays] 10 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,324 That's right, we're back. 11 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:36,911 And in a pointless twist, we've got a new masked principal. 12 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,955 You have to guess who it is by the end of the year, 13 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,166 or we lose all our funding! Here's a clue. 14 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:44,878 I may be a gopher, but I love the water. 15 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:49,090 Uh-uh-uh. Before you guess, think about who'd be willing to actually do this. 16 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,633 I think it's Paula Abdul. 17 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:54,220 In other news, I don't know what you did last summer, so let's find out! 18 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:58,183 For our honeymoon, my parents sent us to Rye Playland. 19 00:00:58,266 --> 00:00:59,267 It was so dope! 20 00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:03,063 I ate a ton of cotton candy before noon and then had a major meltdown. 21 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:07,734 Uh, so Samira and I are a couple now, and we have "sleepovers"! [laughs] 22 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,611 Her parents watch John Wick every night, 23 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:12,030 so they don't hear all the... [moans, slurps] 24 00:01:12,113 --> 00:01:14,699 I think the masked principal is Kathy Lee Gifford. 25 00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:16,326 Whoa, Ali and Samira? 26 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:17,952 Seems like everyone's coupling up. 27 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:22,123 Well, we went from being Jay and Lola to the obvious couple nickname... 28 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:23,041 Lo-Jay. 29 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,543 I'm gonna lick the breakfast out of your molars. 30 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,505 Hope you like Lean Pocket Shrimp Vindaloo. 31 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:29,589 [slurping] 32 00:01:29,672 --> 00:01:30,965 Jay and Lola? 33 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,384 We're, like, the only ones in our grade who are still single. 34 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,678 Oh, look, even Lump has a girlfriend. 35 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,305 Actually, I have two. 36 00:01:37,388 --> 00:01:41,935 I've been beating them off with a stick ever since I got this flavor saver. 37 00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:45,063 Oh, we will find out soon  what your flavor is. 38 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:47,607 Mm, yes, soon we will slaughter this boy. 39 00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:51,653 And consume his flesh like we were at a human steak bistro. 40 00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:54,656 Aw, this sucks. All the girls in our grade are taken. 41 00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:56,950 Not all of them. What about that new girl? 42 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,035 [Andrew] Ooh! New girl? 43 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,495 [Nick chuckles] Whoa! 44 00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:02,247 [gasps] Oh, my God, is that Missy? 45 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:05,250 Mmm! And you can see her yummy tummy. 46 00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:06,626 Andy likey. 47 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,962 God, I bet her belly button smells insane. 48 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,463 Hey, Missy. Love the new look! 49 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,881 Yeah, it's fucking fantastic. 50 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:15,135 Well, fellas, this actually is not for you. 51 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:18,138 So avert your male gaze and keep your comments to yourself. 52 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,598 And do not touch my hair with your eyes. 53 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:24,727 Okay, well, how about him touching the inside of your mouth with his penis? 54 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:28,022 Well, it's official. There's no one left in our grade to go out with. 55 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:31,359 Okay, seventh-graders, you're leaving elementary school behind. 56 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:33,653 -What's that now? -Just like I'm leaving behind 57 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,780 a famous controversy. 58 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,240 Are you Suge Knight? 59 00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,993 Ooh, Andrew, I'm having a light-bulb moment. 60 00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:43,621 Ooohh. Ay-yay-yai! I'm also having an idea. 61 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:47,125 [gasps] What about going out with seventh-grade girls? 62 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,877 Whoa, you're a genius! 63 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,880 Nick, what about seventh-grade girls? 64 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,548 -Yes! They're young. -They're nubile. 65 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:55,300 -[Nick] They're gettable. -They're perfect! 66 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:58,928 That's what I love about these seventh-grade girls, man. 67 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,056 I get older, they stay twelve. 68 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,391 [salaciously] Twelve years old. 69 00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:04,809 Oof. When you say it like that... 70 00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,227 What if I say it like this? 71 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,354 [excitedly] Twelve years old. 72 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,522 That's significantly worse. 73 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,692 How about this? [child's voice] Twelve years old, daddy. 74 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,861 -Waa! Waa! -Okay, I gotta get to class. 75 00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:16,946 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing] 76 00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:22,785 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 77 00:03:26,706 --> 00:03:32,629 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 78 00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:35,215 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 79 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:40,053 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 80 00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:50,688 Hey. 81 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:54,067 Oh! Look at my grown-up city girl in her little blazer 82 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,276 with her little crest! 83 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,528 -Oh, I could eat you! -Mom, calm down. 84 00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,615 How can I? You're going to Darlington-Pierce. 85 00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:04,619 Ooh, I hear that's the school where Lena Dunham fingered her sister. 86 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:07,080 Look at this. "Preparing young women for excellence." 87 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:10,917 Okay, can we just lower expectations? I'm actually really nervous. 88 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,544 What?! Why would you be nervous for excellence? 89 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,630 I don't know. It's just a new school, I guess. 90 00:04:15,713 --> 00:04:16,589 I know! 91 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,384 And you're gonna meet so many amazing young women. 92 00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:23,471 And you might get to see Alec Baldwin punch a hot dog vendor. 93 00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:28,142 New York City, the city where Alec Baldwin never sleeps. 94 00:04:28,851 --> 00:04:30,395 -[Nick] Seventh-graders. -[Andrew] Right. 95 00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,605 -Guess we're on the prowl now. -Uh-huh. 96 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:35,066 Just two hunters stalking our prey. 97 00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:36,859 -Wait-- -Two sexy predators. 98 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:39,112 -Um... -Two sexual predators. 99 00:04:39,195 --> 00:04:41,364 No, no, Andrew.  Here are the words you say: 100 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:42,949 "We're just a couple of eighth-graders 101 00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:45,201 welcoming the seventh-grade girls to the school." 102 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,870 And we shall select two to french. 103 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,163 And feel up. 104 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,249 And other stuff we're too shy to mention. 105 00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:55,336 Oh, Maury, it sure is good to be horny with you again. 106 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,879 How's a man even to choose? 107 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,173 The same way we choose everything. [hums fanfare] 108 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,091 Oh, Netflix! 109 00:05:00,174 --> 00:05:02,969 [Maury] Let's see what girls are suggested for us. 110 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,637 We know everyone can see us. 111 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,014 And that's part of the thrill. 112 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:08,016 Eh, nope. What's new and popular? 113 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,310 I'm a normal seventh-grade girl. 114 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,894 And I'm not an undercover cop. 115 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:15,565 So you can tell me if any of the kids in your class are selling Quaaludes. 116 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:18,109 Oh-ho, I am gonna rat out all the dealers. 117 00:05:18,192 --> 00:05:19,193 Oh, look over there! 118 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,653 She's my best friend. 119 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,488 And I'm a little shorter than her. 120 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:23,406 And together... 121 00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,659 [both] ...we're making sustained  eye contact with you guys. 122 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:27,910 -Yeah, we are. -Hell, yeah. 123 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:33,416 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 124 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,376 I really like the one who's smaller than me. 125 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,544 Perfect, I'll take whatever. 126 00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,670 -Hey, gals. -Hey. 127 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:38,588 Hey, 'sup? 'Sup? 128 00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,840 Obviously this is your first time in the caf, right? 129 00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:42,967 Yeah, like first or second, I would say. 130 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:44,802 -Well, the trash cans are by the door. -Whoa. 131 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:48,723 And, um, a little tip. If you tell the lunch lady you're diabetic, 132 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,391 she'll give you a tablespoon of raisins. 133 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,101 Shut up. Oh, my God, I love raisins. 134 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,312 My sick grandmother looks like a raisin. 135 00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,646 -She's dying, so... -Really? 136 00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:59,192 You know, I was just reading that raisins are dried grapes. 137 00:05:59,275 --> 00:06:00,318 This is Andrew. 138 00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,570 Andrew Kent. Yeah. 139 00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,740 I'm in the eighth grade, and my name is Andrew Kent. 140 00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:08,201 -That's a strong choice. -But it worked. They think I'm rich. 141 00:06:08,284 --> 00:06:09,619 -Well, I'm Izzy. -Hi. 142 00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:10,703 -And this is Misha. -Hey. 143 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:11,704 -Hello. -So... 144 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,331 Um, since we're talking raisins, 145 00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,458 you'll probably read A Raisin in the Sun this year. 146 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:17,377 I could possibly give you my notes. 147 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:20,213 Um, that's awesome, and I could read them. 148 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:23,800 I'd give you my notes, but I've drawn some very upsetting things 149 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:24,884 -in the margins. -Andrew! 150 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:28,221 Imagine two things that could never have sex with each other in real life. 151 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:29,138 My mom and dad. 152 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:33,101 -It's a tiger and a desk. -[both] Oh, my God! 153 00:06:33,184 --> 00:06:35,645 Look at those little seventh-grade gold diggers 154 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,439 trying to get that eighth-grade moolah. 155 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:39,649 Who cares if they're younger? 156 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,526 You're six months younger than me. It's no big deal. 157 00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:44,487 Jay, I was hoping this would never come up, 158 00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:47,198 but I'm actually, spoiler alert, 159 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:49,534 -six months older than you! -What? 160 00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:53,955 I was held back in kindergarten because I did something so funny! 161 00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,373 -Are you serious? -Yeah. 162 00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:58,501 That's awesome, actually. What did you do? 163 00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,711 -Like, eat all the fish in the fish tank? -No! 164 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:03,840 Wait! Did you accidentally bring your mom's dildo in for show and tell? 165 00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,175 -These sound like things you did! -Babe-- 166 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:09,178 You probably think I'm as old as Father Time! 167 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,473 Are you kidding? You're like a hot, sexy cougar. 168 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,684 I don't know. I guess I really do think 169 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,019 girls should be younger than their boyfriends. 170 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,523 Oh, wait, did you jack off to the long-fingernails guy 171 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,108 in the Guinness Book of World Records? 172 00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:24,402 Jay, I'm not gonna tell you. 173 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,696 But it was hilarious. 174 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:31,534 Oh, my God, look at everyone's bags. Those cost, like, $5,000! 175 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:32,910 It's cool, baby, 176 00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,913 I went to Canal Street and got you a Tucci bag. 177 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:38,416 It's like Gucci, but instead it's Stanley Tucci. 178 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,084 I feel like people will know. 179 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:42,837 Welcome to eighth grade, you girlbosses. 180 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,965 So, what did you badasses get into this summer? Dish! 181 00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:47,341 Ooh, your teacher's cool! 182 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:49,886 Yeah, she's got a "Pod Save America" sticker on her laptop. 183 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,888 India Jessica Parker, hi. 184 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,432 I honestly kept it pretty chill this summer. 185 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:57,185 I did some light Alzheimer's research at the CDC, 186 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,728 -but, like, barely. -Whoa. 187 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,938 Greer Conway-Kleenex, hello. 188 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:05,109 My foundation rescued 20 women who were going to be turned into glue. 189 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,236 I also won the New York City Marathon 190 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,405 competing against the adults, not the kids. 191 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,991 Jesus, these girls are so impressive. 192 00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:14,076 So are you! You put in a tampon! 193 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,120 We have a new young leader in our class. 194 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,330 -Jessi. -Huh? 195 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:19,665 Why don't you tell us what you accomplished this summer? 196 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:20,583 Oh, boy. 197 00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:22,793 Hi. Um, Jessi Glaser. 198 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,254 This summer I went to camp. Um... 199 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,381 They don't look impressed. Tell 'em about the tampon. 200 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,425 -...in Somalia. -What? 201 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,093 It was a refugee camp. 202 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:32,762 And I was there teaching gymnastics. 203 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:34,805 Um, I do the splits. 204 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:37,934 Wait. So, they're doing gymnastics at a refugee camp? 205 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,311 That is a good question, and I thank you. 206 00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:42,104 Okay, this has been my time. 207 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,481 Why'd you lie, Jessi? 208 00:08:43,564 --> 00:08:44,774 You can't do the splits. 209 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,068 Your tampon would shoot out like a Nerf dart. 210 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:47,985 Oh, God. 211 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:51,405 -[bell rings] -All right, this is the main hall. 212 00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:52,823 -[Izzy] Wow. -Don't use that water fountain. 213 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:56,577 -Lump deep throats the nozzle. -[slurps] I like the taste of rust. 214 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:59,872 -[Misha chuckles] -[laughs] Okay. Um, hey, Andrew, 215 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,749 can you help me open my locker? 216 00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:04,043 Just 'cause we had cubbies last year, so... 217 00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,962 Oh, sure, which one is this? 218 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,129 Oh, locker 243. 219 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:09,131 -Two-four-three, yeah. -She's a little tricky. 220 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:13,135 -Wow. -You just gotta find her special spot. Ow! 221 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,513 -Oh! I hit the pointy bone! -[Izzy] My God, are you okay? 222 00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,974 Just leave me alone, 'cause if I speak right now, I'm gonna yell at you. 223 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:20,893 -[groans] I'm gonna barf! -Andrew, you're doing so well. 224 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,688 -Do you guys have plans after school? -Um... 225 00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:26,232 I was thinking maybe we could, like, go get some coffee, or... 226 00:09:26,315 --> 00:09:28,526 [chuckles] Yeah! I mean, that sounds great, 227 00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:30,236 but we're not allowed to have coffee. 228 00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,780 Oh, well,  we'll get you a decaf, sweetheart. 229 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:34,323 -Okay. -That means a decaffeinated. 230 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,076 Yeah, we'll go to Starbucks, get a freezing-cold scone, 231 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,120 maybe a round of Horizon milks, on us, 232 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:41,247 and get to know each other  a little better. 233 00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:44,292 I know the code for the bathroom. I've used it before. 234 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,459 If you know what I mean. 235 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:46,586 Sounds like you pooped. 236 00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:48,963 Ah, this one's got a little head on her shoulders. 237 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:50,256 -It's a date. -Or whatever. 238 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:52,883 All right, ladies, see you after school. 239 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,343 'Sup? I mean, bye. 240 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,262 -[gasps] -[chuckles] Oh, my God. 241 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,264 -Stop, stop, stop! -Eighth-grade freaking boys! 242 00:09:58,347 --> 00:09:59,557 -Shut up! -You shut up! 243 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,310 -[squeals] -You cannot spaz out like you usually do. 244 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:05,187 Hey, I'm not gonna spaz out if you promise not to sing. 245 00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,648 ♪ Promises are made to be broken! ♪ 246 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,945 Okay, homeroom was rough, but I can do math. 247 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:13,988 Math is my thing. 248 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,906 But math is not my thing. 249 00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,700 My thing is different. 250 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:18,659 What is your thing? 251 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,661 -My thing is Blue Man Group! -Really? 252 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,873 Yeah, they're lean and blue and sexy like Gumby. 253 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,375 But it's okay, I love you, baby. I can stay for math. 254 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,835 It's fine. I don't need you here. 255 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:28,753 -Okay, bye! -If you wanna. 256 00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:30,046 And she's gone, okay. Alone. 257 00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,964 Okay, now can anyone tell me 258 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:35,051 how inverse variables might lay out here on the parabola? 259 00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:37,595 -Oh, my God, they're so far ahead. -[Tito buzzing] 260 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,555 This class is way too hard. 261 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,015 -I know, right? -[Tito] Yeah. 262 00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:42,058 Oh, hello. 263 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,310 Or maybe it's just that you're not very smart? 264 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,312 Ugh! That's kinda what I've been worrying about. 265 00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:47,605 And I don't mean to pile it on, 266 00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,982 but have you noticed how shiny Greer's hair is? 267 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,233 -[teacher] Jessi? -I have. 268 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,985 -Jessi! -Hi! Yes! Present! 269 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,446 So, are you familiar with Richter's theorem? 270 00:10:55,529 --> 00:10:57,615 Don't say no! They'll see how behind you are. 271 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,992 [chuckles] Oh, I am intimately familiar. 272 00:11:00,076 --> 00:11:02,536 Great. Then why don't you come on up to the smartboard 273 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,121 and solve this problem for us? 274 00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,791 Um, I'd rather tell it to you in private later. 275 00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:10,378 Okay, well, I'd rather you showed the whole class right now. 276 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,297 -[students laughing] -Okay, here I go. 277 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:16,967 You don't know Richter's theorem or how to use a smartboard. 278 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:20,054 You're basically the Coach Steve of this school. 279 00:11:20,137 --> 00:11:24,058 Um, Mr. Doheny, I think the refugee gymnast girl is crying. 280 00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:26,852 -[Jessi sobs] I'm not crying. -If you don't know the answer, it's okay. 281 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:29,980 I just wanna say for the record, I put in a tampon this summer. 282 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:33,609 I know it's not, like, PC to say, but I am enjoying dating younger women. 283 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:35,695 God, they make me feel twelve and a half again. 284 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,655 I got up this morning, and I did sit-ups. 285 00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:39,365 I can't remember the last time I did that. 286 00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:41,325 -What's, uh, with the jacket? -You like it? 287 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,910 -Actually, no. -The man at Goodwill said 288 00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:44,453 the color's called "boy fudge." Eh? 289 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,831 He's "Professor Boyfriend" now. 290 00:11:46,914 --> 00:11:49,834 Let's just say, I grade on a curve. 291 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,711 -That's the butt. -Oh, here they come! 292 00:11:52,753 --> 00:11:54,296 -Hey, guys. -Ahoy, boys. 293 00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:56,716 -Izzy, be cool. -Okay. I am. 294 00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,677 Ladies, I scored us this tall, sticky table. 295 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,221 -There's coffee cake all over the chairs. -[Misha] Ew. 296 00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:04,890 -Oh, my God. Misha likes sticky. -Shut up. 297 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:08,519 Uh, a cup of water and six Splendas for "Lo-Jay." 298 00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:09,729 What the fuck is this? 299 00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:11,564 I asked for light ice! 300 00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:14,400 -Ma'am, this is a free drink. -Are you joking me right now? 301 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:17,027 Don't call me "ma'am." I'm not an old lady! 302 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,488 -I wanna talk to your manager! -I am the manager. 303 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,365 Well, then I wanna talk to the guy below you 304 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,493 so we can commiserate about what a fucking cunt you are! 305 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,995 All right. Hey, Gary, come over here. 306 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,288 Would you look at this. 307 00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,790 Nick and Andrew and their seventh-grade snacks. 308 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,709 -Yum, yum! -Jay! 309 00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:32,877 Relax, babe, 310 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,380 why would I go out for Munchkins when I got a doughnut machine at home? 311 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,008 Oh, my God, time to kiss the doughnuts! 312 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:41,761 America runs on Skumpy. 313 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,679 Holy snots, they're making out. 314 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,139 Yeah, they are. [laughs] 315 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,266 Yeah, that's what couples do in eighth grade, 316 00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:49,852 or when, you know, eighth-graders are with seventh-graders. 317 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,854 As long as there's an eighth-grader present, 318 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:54,023 -frenching is on the menu. -And this is pressure. 319 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,275 I'm totally down to French kiss, Spanish fly, 320 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:57,860 -Dutch oven, fart in your mouth. -Misha! 321 00:12:57,943 --> 00:12:59,695 -♪ Misha, slow your roll! ♪ -What? 322 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:03,073 Well, then, perhaps we should all go to my house tomorrow after school. 323 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,034 Hmm. Yes, for "office hours." 324 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,204 Jesus, Professor Boyfriend, I wanna fuck you. 325 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:11,499 No, Andrew, for a classic eighth-grade make-out party. 326 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,627 We're in, and we're totally gonna win this thing, ya turds! 327 00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,128 Oh, my God, you wish! 328 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,630 I can't wait. I'm so scared. 329 00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:19,298 We love hanging out with older kids. 330 00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:20,216 Older? 331 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,135 Sweetheart, I will hold you down and spit in your mouth 332 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,970 like I did to that kid in kindergarten! 333 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:27,723 [panting] Oh, yeah? You'll spit in my pretty little mouth? 334 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,058 I really like Misha. 335 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,936 Wait, babe, was spitting in that kid's mouth what got you held back? 336 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:35,981 -No, Jay, it was way funnier than that! -Ugh! 337 00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,734 A big pile of napkins for Steve! 338 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,277 And these are decaf, right? 339 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,822 'Cause I don't wanna stay up all night eating napkins. 340 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:47,493 Oh, man, is Greer flying her dad's private jet? 341 00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,287 Ugh, my dad doesn't even have a private recumbent bike. 342 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:51,956 He shares it with a guy named Ian. 343 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,457 I just can't stop comparing and-- 344 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,210 Despairing, I know! We should stop. 345 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,796 But then we'd have to get into that homework you don't understand. 346 00:13:58,879 --> 00:13:59,880 Yeah. Maybe I'll just look 347 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,215 -at one or two more. -Good call. 348 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:04,051 Hey, guys, we're here at Starbucks with our seventh-grade honeys! 349 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,387 Are you fucking kidding? "Seventh-grade honeys"? 350 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,806 Looks like everyone is moving on and doing well without you. 351 00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:11,058 Jay and Lola are dating now? 352 00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:12,101 What's up, jerks? 353 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,521 I'm going to an exclusive eighth-grade orgy 354 00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:16,897 with my old lady tomorrow. 355 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,691 Oh, my God, don't call me old! 356 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,359 And tag me in that. 357 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,903 [sighs] I have nothing and nobody. 358 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,906 -That's not true. You've got me. -Right, right. 359 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,658 And a stress zit on your upper lip. 360 00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:30,327 Oh, shit, is everyone gonna think I have herpes now? 361 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,704 Oh, my God, you might. 362 00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:34,456 And I sucked your blood. You gave me herpes. 363 00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:37,001 -What? -Now I have to call my old partners. 364 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,587 Now, Nicky, you're gonna make sure 365 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:42,631 she achieves pleasure before you do, right? 366 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:43,549 You got it, Elliot. 367 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:46,218 One full orgasm before you even kiss her. 368 00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,428 But is that even possible? 369 00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,931 Of course! Your father once gave me an orgasm through a window. 370 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,975 I used a hair dryer and a CB radio. 371 00:14:53,058 --> 00:14:53,893 Holy shit. 372 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:55,394 Kill the boy and fuck the parents. 373 00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:56,812 I know, but shush. 374 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,064 So, tell us about this girl. 375 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,065 Do you like her? 376 00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,066 Do you, Nicky? 377 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:03,736 Do you love her so much you hate everyone else? 378 00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:05,154 Yeah! I mean, no. 379 00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:07,573 But yeah, Misha's... you know… 380 00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:10,367 -What is Misha again? -Shit, I don't know, short? 381 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:13,203 But the other one sings real nice. Make my titties pop out. 382 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,413 -Boop, boop. -[doorbell rings] 383 00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,499 -Elliot, I think we should go upstairs. -[CB static hisses] 384 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,710 -[dryer blowing] -Reading you loud and clear, big mama. 385 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:20,669 [Diane laughs] 386 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,171 Hello, ladies. 387 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,423 Welcome to Tongue Town. [laughs] 388 00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:26,050 Population, four. 389 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:29,303 Oh, yeah? Well, we just moved from Titty City. 390 00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:31,055 We slid here on our own discharge. 391 00:15:31,138 --> 00:15:32,056 How did they get here? 392 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,182 -Meesh! -What? 393 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,850 Nick, you have a beautiful home. 394 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:35,809 Oh, thanks so much. 395 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,645 Okay, enough pleasantries. 396 00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:42,191 Why don't you follow my fat ass over to the sectional? 397 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,275 Oh, my God. 398 00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,820 ♪ This is really happening, Lord ♪ 399 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,322 -Stop. Shh! -Stop! 400 00:15:48,405 --> 00:15:50,824 They should sit close enough so the boys can high-five. 401 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,577 Yeah, but back to back so they don't make eye contact 402 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,287 and accidentally switch souls. 403 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:59,166 -So Leo DiCaprio and Lukas Haas rules? -Oh, classic Pussy Posse. 404 00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:00,501 Rest in pussy, boys. 405 00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:01,710 Rest in pussy. 406 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,506 I keep reading the same paragraph, and it makes less and less sense. 407 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,383 -Can I point something out? -Please. 408 00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:09,802 -Everything's kinda crumbling around you. -Uh-huh. 409 00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:12,388 And you're lying to everyone, and so you're going to have to remember 410 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:13,347 -all those lies. -Yeah. 411 00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,432 -That doesn't feel good, right? -[knock on door] 412 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,725 Go away, Mom, I'm studying! 413 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,268 [purrs] 414 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,896 Hello, Jessi. 415 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:21,897 It's been too long. 416 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,148 Oh, shit. 417 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,025 Kitty Beaumont Bouchet, is that you? 418 00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,820 Tito Taylor Thomas, as I live and breathe! 419 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:30,280 -[both chuckle] -You guys know each other? 420 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,866 Oh, we've been working together for ages. 421 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:33,909 Remember Van Gogh? 422 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,452 [in Dutch accent] I feel crazy! 423 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:38,789 [laughing] Oh, my God. I still have his earlobe in my locket! 424 00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:42,042 Can you two please stop? I'm trying to study. 425 00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,712 Aw, you know what helps me study? 426 00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:45,921 Sleeping. 427 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,965 -Yeah, I do feel pretty exhausted. -[purrs] 428 00:16:48,048 --> 00:16:49,883 Or even better, you could stare at the ceiling 429 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,302 and replay all the embarrassing things that happened at school. 430 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,805 -I'm already there. -It is so nice 431 00:16:54,888 --> 00:16:56,640 to be working together again. 432 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,851 It doesn't even feel like work. We're just, you know... 433 00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:01,478 [both] Emotionally crippling  a young woman. Jinx! 434 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,564 -[both laugh] -[Jessi groans] 435 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,941 -[Andrew clears throat] -[laughs, clears throat] 436 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,736 I was laughing before that you're blazing in that sweater 437 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,030 whilst I'm sweating through this blazer. 438 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,657 I'm filled with all sorts of delightful observations. 439 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,910 [chuckles] Yeah. ♪ Your breath smells like tuna fish ♪ 440 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,830 For your information, he just drank the water out of the can. 441 00:17:19,913 --> 00:17:22,041 That's why he's got a big cut on his tongue. 442 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,792 -[squishing] -[Nick mumbles] Uh... 443 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:26,003 Misha, what are you doing with your fingers? 444 00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:26,920 Yeah, you like that? 445 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,589 -No, you do not! -I don't know if I do. 446 00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:30,841 -I can feel your cavities, you like that? -[Nick groans] 447 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:33,635 Hey, sorry! Andrew, do you have to go to the bathroom? 448 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:37,973 Indeed! Yes! Why don't you follow my fat ass to the powder room? 449 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,141 Ladies, we'll be right back. 450 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,309 Okay, better hurry up. 451 00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:42,227 The corner of this couch is looking pretty good. 452 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,688 Oh, happy birthday, Mr. Sofa. 453 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,942 Hey. So I'm finding Misha a little terrifying. 454 00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:51,945 Really? 'Cause I wanna be the corner  of that couch right now. 455 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,405 And Izzy's kind of annoying. 456 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,783 Really? I like how she sings everything. 457 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:57,451 Ah! Should we... 458 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,787 I mean, switch? 459 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:00,829 -Fuck, yes! -Yes! 460 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,499 The little one's gonna suck every drop  of tuna water out of you. 461 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,542 And the tall one's gonna write a song about Nick. 462 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,461 Yeah, but she's not gonna sing it. She's not a singer. 463 00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:09,213 -It's true, the voice isn't there. -Yeah. 464 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:10,881 But her talent lies with songwriting. 465 00:18:10,964 --> 00:18:12,382 I'm okay with switching if you are. 466 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:13,467 I think it's a great idea. 467 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:16,220 If we're both in agreement, then I think that covers everybody. 468 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:17,346 The motion passes! 469 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,306 -And I do for real have to go. -Okay. 470 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,976 What do you think, is an old baby-food jar full of olive oil 471 00:18:23,060 --> 00:18:24,520 a good gift for a make-out party? 472 00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,064 Honestly, yes, but I'm so not into this. 473 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,649 Babe, it's gonna be fun. 474 00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,734 You know I want everybody to watch 475 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,320 while I tongue your throat clit with my mouth dick. 476 00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:36,573 First of all, I want that on a T-shirt yesterday. 477 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:39,284 But I just don't feel like passing the so-called day 478 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,328 with those seventh-grade skanks. 479 00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:46,333 How many times do I have to tell you, it's hot that you're old! 480 00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:47,584 Stop calling me old! 481 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:48,794 Stop being sad! 482 00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:50,295 Stop telling me how to feel! 483 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,797 -Babe! Fuck! -[glass shatters] 484 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:55,217 Why does being a hot cougar woman make you so sad? 485 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,053 Because I'm older than I normally should be. 486 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:01,890 And even though I was held back for a really funny reason, 487 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,309 one that would, like, redefine comedy, 488 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,479 it feels, like, bad to be the oldest in our grade! 489 00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:08,856 Oh, wow. 490 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:11,400 I guess I had no idea you had so many feelings. 491 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:12,693 -Yeah. -That must suck. 492 00:19:12,776 --> 00:19:13,735 Exactly. So it's like-- 493 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,697 Babe, just the sound of your voice makes me horny. 494 00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,949 You know exactly what to say. 495 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:21,702 Will you please tell me why you got held back? 496 00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:25,122 Yes, the time has come for ultimate hilarity. 497 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:28,584 Okay. Oh, my God. [snorts, inhales] 498 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,627 So, like, one day, at recess... 499 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:34,006 Oh, my God, I am, like, not gonna be able to get through this. 500 00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:35,424 [laughs] 501 00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,594 I intentionally tripped a kid on the playground. 502 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,053 Think fast, Isaac! 503 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,972 And a metal spike pierced his skull 504 00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:45,142 -and went, like, deep into his brain. -[gasping] 505 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,936 Jesus, babe... 506 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:52,191 [laughing] That is so fucking hilarious! 507 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:53,192 What an idiot! 508 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,277 [laughing] I know! 509 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:59,364 When it happened, I was like, a real record-scratch moment. 510 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,451 Yeah, I bet it was. Did he fucking die? 511 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,912 Honestly, if I tell you, it won't be as funny. 512 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:07,080 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't ruin it. 513 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:08,832 Don't ruin this. Come here. 514 00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:09,958 [moaning] 515 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,919 [hairdryer whirring] 516 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:15,339 Breaker, breaker, one nine. We've got a southbound climax 517 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:20,135 -right on the center divider. -[Diane] Oh, Elliot! Ten-four, good buddy! 518 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,803 Just made my wife cum, over. 519 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,473 [man] Copy that, Elliot. I just made it to Flagstaff. Over and out. 520 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,558 Hello, Misha. Make room. 521 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,352 Did you meesh me? 522 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:30,354 -What? -Oh, look where we find ourselves. 523 00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:31,647 This feels better, doesn't it? 524 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:33,941 What are you doing? I'm supposed to be with Andrew. 525 00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:35,400 Oh, no, no, no. It's cool. 526 00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:38,570 We realized that I should be with you, and Andrew should be with Misha. 527 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,656 You see, we hated it the other way. 528 00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:42,157 Oh, you-- you-- you hated it? 529 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,533 Yep, that's why we switched. 530 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:44,743 What about what we think? 531 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,788 Oh, well, I hate to do this 'cause, like, it's just kind of gauche, 532 00:20:47,871 --> 00:20:49,331 but it is our show, so... 533 00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:50,332 [chuckles] Your show? 534 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,084 -Yeah, Big Mouth. -Okay. 535 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:54,002 You guys are literally on our show. 536 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,255 -What? -Uh, Cafeteria Girls. 537 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:58,006 -♪ Cafeteria Girls ♪ -[audience cheering] 538 00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:01,677 -♪ Kissing's off the menu ♪ -[audience applauding] 539 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:02,761 Who's cheering? 540 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:03,762 And you know what? 541 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:06,098 We might just be seventh-graders, Andrew Kent, 542 00:21:06,181 --> 00:21:08,392 but you, Andrew, can't make out with us. 543 00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:11,228 Well, joke's on you, sweetheart, 'cause that was a fake name. 544 00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:13,063 -I fucking lied to you. -[audience booing] 545 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:15,107 -Now who's booing us? -Yeah, what's going on? 546 00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:16,483 Turn the lights on, Bobby! 547 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,777 -[gasps] They don't have a ceiling. -That's right, bitch! 548 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:21,613 Our show's shot in front of a live studio audience! 549 00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:23,615 -It is? -But this is my living room. 550 00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:24,574 Go get 'em, Meesh! 551 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,159 [man] Orange County loves you! 552 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:29,538 And surprise, you guys are totally gross, and everybody knows it. 553 00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:32,666 Yeah, I used to want to yum-yum on Nick's pelvic thumb-- 554 00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:34,251 -I know, fuck gremlin. -Fuck gremlin? 555 00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,421 But now I wanna tear out his spine and shove it up my ass. 556 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:39,840 -[audience laughs] -I guess she's their hormone monster? 557 00:21:39,923 --> 00:21:41,133 I'm a handful! 558 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:43,260 And yeah, we're younger, but we're learning. 559 00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:45,387 -And you know what we learned this week? -Uh... 560 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:49,683 [both] We wanna go out with nice guys, not sloppy Joes! 561 00:21:49,766 --> 00:21:51,393 -[audience cheers] -[Nick and Andrew groan] 562 00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:53,687 My fuck blazer is ruined! 563 00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,188 Where did they get sloppy Joes? 564 00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:56,898 From Lunch Lady Eve, of course. 565 00:21:56,982 --> 00:22:00,110 They drawed a bow on top of my head. So... 566 00:22:00,193 --> 00:22:01,111 [man] Eve, I love you! 567 00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:02,404 I love you too! Who said that? 568 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:03,363 Now let's go home 569 00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:06,491 and see how much of your grandma's cane we can fit up your pussy! 570 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,493 -[audience laughs] -School's out, dorks! 571 00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,162 [Jessi sighs] 572 00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:13,290 I don't think you could handle another day at school. 573 00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:15,709 I know. But I have to try, right? 574 00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:18,003 -Do you? -Don't go in there. It's too hard! 575 00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:19,087 [Jessi exhales] 576 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,382 That's the new girl, Jessi, right? 577 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,301 There's no way she's gonna last. 578 00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:26,053 Jessi, what is this supposed to be? 579 00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:27,429 Um, my homework. 580 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,807 Oh, really? Because it looks like you took a dump on a piece of paper 581 00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:32,100 -and turned it in. -What? 582 00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:35,187 -That's not gonna fly here. -No, I tried really hard! 583 00:22:35,270 --> 00:22:36,980 Miss Glaser, they're here for you. 584 00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,690 -Who's here for me? -[horn honks] 585 00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:40,817 It's the Dummy Truck for losers, Jessi. 586 00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:42,652 It's here to take you away to Dipshit Town. 587 00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:43,987 -No. -You can't lie your way 588 00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:45,405 out of this one, moron. 589 00:22:45,489 --> 00:22:46,740 [gasps, groans] 590 00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:49,284 -Fart! Whoo! -Did you just say "fart"? 591 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:51,036 I'm really dumb! 592 00:22:51,119 --> 00:22:52,621 I don't wanna go to Dipshit Town! 593 00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:54,831 Sorry, my dude, those are the breaks! 594 00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,166 -Are these the brakes? -[revving] 595 00:22:56,249 --> 00:22:59,461 -Where are the brakes? -[screams] 596 00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:04,341 Okay, yeah, I'm definitely not going in there. 597 00:23:04,424 --> 00:23:07,677 Of course you're not. It's not a safe place for a dummy loser. 598 00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:09,721 Wanna walk down to Union Square 599 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:12,557 and watch them break down a farmers market? 600 00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:13,809 No. [sighs] 601 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:17,020 -But I will. -Good girl. [purrs] 602 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:20,399 We literally just broke up with our eighth-grade boyfriends. 603 00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:21,316 They're... 604 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:25,070 [both] ...so immature, it's crazy! 605 00:23:25,153 --> 00:23:25,987 [audience laughs] 606 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:29,366 Oh, you're gonna shuck this boy's nuts out of his sack 607 00:23:29,449 --> 00:23:30,826 and eat it with cocktail sauce. 608 00:23:30,909 --> 00:23:33,787 Welcome to the yacht club, baby! [cackles] 609 00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:38,625 ♪ Cafeteria Girls A second helping of friendship ♪ 610 00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:39,793 I'm a handful! 611 00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:43,422 Wow, I'm beginning to think we're not the center of the universe. 612 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:47,008 I guess we have to start treating girls like they're the stars of their own show. 613 00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,218 Yeah, but, you know, like, 614 00:23:48,301 --> 00:23:50,303 what's the target audience for Cafeteria Girls? 615 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:51,221 I know! 616 00:23:51,304 --> 00:23:54,349 I mean, the main characters are kids, but the show is so filthy. 617 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,351 It's too much. And I like dirty stuff. 618 00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,311 That fuck gremlin is really unpleasant. 619 00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,396 It's uncalled for. 620 00:23:59,479 --> 00:24:01,815 -You don't need to be gross to be funny. -You said it, Maury. 621 00:24:01,898 --> 00:24:04,401 All right, I'm gonna go have sex with poop, then eat it. 622 00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:05,444 -Sure. -Then shit it out 623 00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,612 -and then fuck my own ass with it. -Okay, God bless. 624 00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:13,493 Oh, should we unroll a chocolate croissant and just eat the chocolate? 625 00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:15,662 Yes. That is a perfect idea. 626 00:24:15,745 --> 00:24:17,080 Oh, skipping school. 627 00:24:17,164 --> 00:24:18,039 -What? -Bad girl. 628 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:19,749 -No, I, um... -Relax. 629 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:22,127 -I'm just-- -Relax, I'm skipping too. 630 00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:24,921 You learn more in the real world than you ever could in a classroom. 631 00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:26,548 Totally, yeah. That's true. 632 00:24:26,631 --> 00:24:27,841 I'm Michael Angelo, by the way. 633 00:24:27,924 --> 00:24:29,593 Like the artist, not the ninja frog. 634 00:24:29,676 --> 00:24:30,802 -You mean turtle? -[chuckles] 635 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,180 Yeah. I like you. Would you let me sketch you? 636 00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:34,389 [sighs] Okay. 637 00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:35,474 Cowabung-hole! 638 00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,934 -No, I hate water! -[Tito] I can't swim! 639 00:24:38,018 --> 00:24:41,646 I'm riding a wave of my own discharge! 640 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:42,564 You're back! 641 00:24:42,647 --> 00:24:44,858 Of course, this boy is hot! 642 00:24:44,941 --> 00:24:45,942 Talk to him! 643 00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:48,445 Hi! Hello, I'm Jessi. 644 00:24:48,528 --> 00:24:49,738 Why did I curtsy? 645 00:24:49,821 --> 00:24:52,157 'Cause you're getting an eyeline on that dick. 646 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:53,742 -Wanna have a seat? -Yes, please! 647 00:24:53,825 --> 00:24:55,327 Right on his fucking face! 648 00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:57,787 Okay, where should I put my backpack? 649 00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:59,372 On my lap? On my head? 650 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:01,791 [chuckles] Just kidding. Fuck. 651 00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:03,460 Whatever you do is perfect. 652 00:25:03,543 --> 00:25:05,003 Oooh! 653 00:25:05,086 --> 00:25:09,090 Breaker, breaker, one nine, I just came again. 654 00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:11,760 [man] Copy that, Connie, I just made it to San Diego. 655 00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:13,720 First time seeing the ocean. 656 00:25:13,803 --> 00:25:15,222 Boy, it is beautiful. 657 00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:16,515 [upbeat music playing] 658 00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:22,270 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 659 00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:25,357 ♪ They're saving you a seat at the table ♪ 660 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,568 ♪ It's all fish sticks, friends and fun ♪ 661 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,988 ♪ And they're doling out laughs By the ladle ♪ 662 00:25:32,072 --> 00:25:35,575 ♪ They got your midday blues on the run ♪ 663 00:25:36,201 --> 00:25:39,287 ♪ Lunch Lady Eve will be wearing a dress ♪ 664 00:25:39,371 --> 00:25:43,375 ♪ And the fuck gremlin Will be bringing the sex ♪ 665 00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:45,293 -[gremlin] I'm a handful. -[audience laughs] 666 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:51,591 ♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪ 667 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:53,677 [audience cheering] 668 00:25:57,556 --> 00:26:00,642 ♪ Ooooh ♪ 669 00:26:04,354 --> 00:26:06,273 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 670 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:08,775 [man laughs] "Good at Bizness." 671 00:26:08,858 --> 00:26:10,777 -[man] Chirp. -[kazoo plays]