1 00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:12,262 Boy, oh, boy. That last episode, the one that took place in the future, 2 00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,346 was banar-nar. 3 00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:14,723 Yeah, we weren't even in it! 4 00:00:14,806 --> 00:00:16,433 I wonder what they're gonna do with this episode. 5 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:20,562 Says here, it's called "Four Stories About Hand Stuff." 6 00:00:20,645 --> 00:00:21,688 Hand stuff? 7 00:00:21,771 --> 00:00:25,567 Like fingering and hand jobs. Ooh, we better be in this one, mama. 8 00:00:25,650 --> 00:00:28,778 Yeah! If we're not, then I'm gonna have a word with Mark Levin. 9 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,071 Who--? Who's Mark Levin? 10 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:30,989 You know! 11 00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:34,576 He's one of those four "Created By" names at the end of the theme song. 12 00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:35,660 Four's a lot, huh? 13 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:38,038 I heard they're all married to each other. 14 00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:39,414 Fucking Hollywood. 15 00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:41,791 -[clicks] -["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 16 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:47,505 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 17 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:57,182 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 18 00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:59,726 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 19 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,522 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 20 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:11,946 Oh, look at that! Mark Levin. 21 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:13,782 One of the three husbands. Okay. 22 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:15,742 [wheels squeaking] 23 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,331 Excuse me. Are you Devin LeSeven? 24 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,124 Of course I am, Caleb. 25 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,250 You've been served. 26 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,627 What is this? 27 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:27,045 Devon is divorcing you 28 00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:30,131 because you have differences that are not able to be reconciled. 29 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:32,383 -[Devin] Irreconcilable! -Hey, Caleb. How'd she take it? 30 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:33,802 With her right hand. 31 00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:36,304 Oh, my... 32 00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:38,098 Guys! I have tragic 33 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,642 and very gratifying information to tell you. 34 00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:44,354 Devon is divorcing Devin. It's, like, really, really sad! 35 00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,189 Huh. I guess you never really know 36 00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:47,941 what's going on in someone else's marriage. 37 00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:52,529 It is so sobering to watch a friend get, like, legally dumped. 38 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:53,571 What happened? 39 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:56,199 Was it because Devin never listened to anything Devon ever said 40 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:58,451 and tried to make him into a completely different person? 41 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:01,788 Word on the supposed street is Devon broke up with her 42 00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,998 because she wouldn't give him a hand job. 43 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,167 [grunts] It's very upsetting. 44 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,293 Are you serious? 45 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,379 Does this mean that all the guys are gonna expect hand jobs now? 46 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:12,340 We don't have to do anything that we're not comfortable doing. 47 00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:16,761 Wrong! I once discussed this very matter with my mom's boyfriend in the kitchen 48 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:20,932 at 11 p.m. while he was refilling a Powerade bottle with tap water. 49 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,433 -Oh, Jesus. -Oh, no. 50 00:02:22,517 --> 00:02:24,727 -Lola! -And excuse me! 51 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:28,439 He assured me that if you wanna keep your man, you gotta put out! 52 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,317 -Dude, you've got this all wrong. -Yeah, dude. 53 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:32,944 Well, this is rich. 54 00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:35,530 What do you two lesbos know about pleasing a man? 55 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:39,242 I'm just saying it's lame to only focus on the boys, okay? What about us? 56 00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:41,244 Get to the point, Ali. I'm a busy lady. 57 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,746 She means it can feel really fucking good to get fingered. 58 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,957 Hell, yeah! [trills] 59 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,626 So, Lola, maybe it's not your job to please your man, 60 00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,962 maybe it's his job to please you. 61 00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:51,921 Oh f-- 62 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:56,092 Let me know when you're done with "Arts and Leisure." 63 00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:59,762 I'm done, babe. It was just a review of Pippin, and they did not like it. 64 00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,807 Jay, honey, have you been following this Devins story? 65 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,392 Oh, yeah. Wild stuff. 66 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:05,768 It really is, right? 67 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:07,687 But it did get me thinking... 68 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:10,273 Should we do a hand job? 69 00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:11,316 Hmm. 70 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:14,194 Color me intrigued, but in actuality, 71 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,029 I had something different in mind. 72 00:03:16,112 --> 00:03:18,239 Two dinners at two different Panda Expresses? 73 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:22,869 No! Jay, I want you to hand-job me with your finger. 74 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:26,289 Oh, okay, you want me to finger you. 75 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:28,458 Totally! I can get on board for that. 76 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,044 Ooh, wait a minute, though. I gotta go get my nails trimmed. 77 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:32,921 It's a three-man operation. 78 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:36,382 -[grunts] Yeah. -You're hurting me! Oh, my God! 79 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:37,550 [grunts] Wow. 80 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:40,470 I should have asked earlier, but why are we cutting your nails? 81 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:41,512 Uh, no big deal. 82 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:45,433 My lady and I have a date for some...  fingering. 83 00:03:45,516 --> 00:03:48,394 Whoa! Aren't you, like, scared to, you know... [groans nervously] 84 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:50,480 No! I'm the Ultimate Fuck Machine, guys! 85 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:51,731 Sure, Jay, with pillows. 86 00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:54,067 But this is a real girl with a real vagina. 87 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,653 Yeah, I know! It's like a dick, but inside out. 88 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,571 I think it's more complicated than that. 89 00:03:58,655 --> 00:03:59,656 -Doubt it. -Listen to him. 90 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,908 -I'm sorry, what do you mean? -It-- it's underneath. 91 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:03,493 -No, it points straight out. -No. 92 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:06,287 If it points down, everything's gonna come flopping out! 93 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,997 Oh, God, Jay, you're in over your head. 94 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,375 What do you two lesbos know about pleasing a girl, anyway? 95 00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:13,169 I'd say lesbians would probably know exactly how to please a girl. 96 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,255 You know what? Fuck this! I'll talk to the experts. 97 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,715 Hey, Val, Kurt. Are you guys busy? 98 00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:20,134 Yeah, we're pulling a turtle out  of its shell. 99 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,095 Yeah, well, that seems really cool. 100 00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:25,682 I just was, you know, wondering... I'm supposed to finger my girlfriend-- 101 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,059 -Gay. -[laughs] So gay. 102 00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:32,605 But if I was to do it, like, do you have any advice? 103 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,315 You've come to the right place. 104 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:37,819 Together, we claimed to have fingered over 3,000 women. 105 00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:41,656 So, first off, you want to get as many fingers in there as possible. 106 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,825 -Obviously. -And you gotta get elbow-deep, 107 00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:46,494 like it's a vending machine and your Cheetos didn't fall down, 108 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:49,205 -so you really gotta reach up. -And they like that? 109 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,040 Also, you need a signature move. 110 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,793 -I, for example, shove a booger up there. -Booger... 111 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:57,046 That way, if it's still there the next time you fingerblast her, 112 00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,506 you know she's not cheating on you. 113 00:04:58,589 --> 00:05:00,425 Well, that makes sense. Thanks, guys. 114 00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:03,094 Do you know this is the longest conversation we've ever had? 115 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:04,429 -Fuck you! -[groans] 116 00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:05,930 [gasps] Worth it. 117 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,433 Physical touch means you love me. 118 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,686 [both moaning] 119 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,481 All right, Jay, the time has come... 120 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:16,858 -Oh, my God. -Are you ready? 121 00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:19,110 I am so ready! 122 00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:21,946 -Babe, I'm gonna rock that twat. -You are. 123 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:25,700 You're gonna be louder than the iHeartRadio music festival. 124 00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:28,369 Oh, my God! You are so wet. 125 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,955 That's my belly button. It's full of lotion. 126 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,081 Oh, oh! Sorry. Sorry. 127 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,335 -That's okay. It's there for a reason. -Oh! Oh! Oh! 128 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,711 -Yeah. -Okay. Now this... 129 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:38,504 this has gotta be the vagina. 130 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,882 If it's not, I'm gonna probably go crazy. 131 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,051 Well, Jay, then worry you no more, 132 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:46,054 because you have officially entered my kingdom. 133 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:49,265 -Oh, fuck. Yes, my queen. -[both moan] 134 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,851 -Let's get up in there.  -Okay. 135 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:55,813 -[Jay] All right, more fingers. -[Lola] It's a little crowded in there. 136 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,148 -Oh, babe. -Elbow-deep. 137 00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:59,609 [Lola] You're kinda, like, jackhammering a little too much. 138 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,527 -Okay. -Maybe take the gas off the pedal-- 139 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,571 Gotta get those chips out of the vending machine. 140 00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,740 -[Lola] No! It's like-- -The thing ate my quarter! 141 00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:07,950 This isn't feeling good. Stop it! Stop! 142 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,243 What happened? Did you cum? 143 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:10,411 -No. -Are you sure? 144 00:06:10,495 --> 00:06:13,289 Jay, what you're doing, like, doesn't feel very good! 145 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,208 Are you saying I'm bad at fingering? 146 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:19,712 No, you're saying it, but I'm, like, 100% agreeing with you. 147 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,382 -Maybe you're bad at getting fingered! -What? 148 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,008 I talked to a lot of guys about this. 149 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,303 But you never talked to any girls, and most specifically me, 150 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,847 whose wagina you were just ruining, 151 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,808 and not in the way that I wanted! 152 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:34,644 Why would I talk to you about your own body? 153 00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:36,354 Do you hear how crazy that sounds? 154 00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:39,982 It's better than what you just did to my previously eager hole. 155 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,859 But if I ask you what to do, 156 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:44,946 then you'll know I have no idea what I'm doing! 157 00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:46,406 But, Jay, that's okay. 158 00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:50,326 Why don't you just, like, let me guide you and show you what I like? 159 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,745 Fuck. Okay. [chuckles] 160 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,539 Teach me the ways of your kingdom. 161 00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:57,083 With pleasure, Jay-zilla. 162 00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:58,876 Okay, here we go. 163 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,796 [grunts] Okay, I'm just gonna shove my way through! 164 00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:04,215 -No, like, gently. -Oh, okay. 165 00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:07,343 Now maybe, like, try rubbing the outside? 166 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,386 -Yeah. -Like that? 167 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:10,596 Uh-huh. But, like, a tiny bit firmer. 168 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,056 -Like that? -Just like that, yes. 169 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,057 I want to go in! 170 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,058 -Calm down! -Okay. 171 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,810 Go in slowly, okay? 172 00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:16,853 Is this what you like? 173 00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,604 -Yeah! -Do I go in all the way in now? 174 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,231 [Lola] No, no. Now, go out. 175 00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:21,607 -Okay. -Now go back in. 176 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:22,942 -Really? -Now go out. 177 00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,277 -Okay. -A little slower. 178 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,236 [Jay] Okay, okay. 179 00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:27,488 Actually, the most important part is up top. 180 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,282 -Is that... -Yes, Jay! 181 00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:31,701 -Okay. -That is clitorally my clitoris. 182 00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,871 Whoa! And who are the archers? 183 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,290 Oh, those are my pubes, the Knights of St. Joseph. 184 00:07:37,373 --> 00:07:38,541 They're sworn to protect me. 185 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,960 You're doing splendidly, Jay-zilla! 186 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:42,628 -Thanks, guys! -Back to the bell! 187 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:45,006 Oh! Okay! Okay! Should I squeeze it as hard as I can? 188 00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:46,716 -Don't squeeze it. Pet the bell. -Okay. 189 00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,384 -Pet the bell back and forth. -Okay! 190 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,552 -Yes! Keep doing that! -Okay. 191 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,138 Can you do a small circle? Faster! Faster! 192 00:07:52,221 --> 00:07:55,766 -Huzzah! -Oh, my God! My leg is straightening. 193 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:59,854 Hallelujah! Thank you to the large lizard for ending our drought! 194 00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:04,358 'Tis a most noble honor to serve the realm of this tween queen's vagina! 195 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,526 -Jay! -[sighs] 196 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,820 You just gave me a literal orgasm. 197 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:11,157 Yeah, I guess I really am the Ultimate Fuck Machine, huh? 198 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,408 -No, Jay! -Oh! 199 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,994 You're the Ultimate Listening Machine. 200 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,538 Oh, shit. 201 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,333 May I return the favor, Jay-zilla? 202 00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:21,667 I appreciate the offer, babe, 203 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:26,047 but I full-on painted the inside of my jeans while I was fingering you. 204 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:27,798 Four coats, including primer. 205 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:30,801 Oh, Jay! I am deeply humbled. 206 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:33,930 I fucking worship you! 207 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,098 Right back at you, King Finger! 208 00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:43,439 I am devastated by the end of my marriage. 209 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,191 Please respect my privacy 210 00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:49,737 as I go live all day and answer questions from literally anyone. 211 00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:51,197 #DevinsPrivacy. 212 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,783 Oh, that poor girl, bless her heart. 213 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:57,370 I hope the divorce wasn't because she's got that doo-doo brown hair. 214 00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,580 I bet she doesn't know whether to brush it or flush it. 215 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:01,666 [laughs] Matthew! You're so funny. 216 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:04,126 But divorce is no laughing matter. 217 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,170 You know they're children, right? 218 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,631 -Children who broke their vows. -Oh, look, we're here. 219 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,716 Love you, sweet pea! 220 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,511 Have fun  at your Interfaith Council meeting! 221 00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:14,887 Interfaith Council meeting? 222 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,431 I thought we were going to Aiden's house to meet his friends. 223 00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:20,059 You know, bro out with da boyz! 224 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,143 Yeah, we are. 225 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:22,812 Then why couldn't she drop us off there? 226 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,772 Not that I'm complaining. I could use the cardio. 227 00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:26,857 My mom and I have this great arrangement going 228 00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:29,652 where I'm gay and neither of us talk about it. 229 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:33,030 Also, honey, you do not need the cardio. You look fantastic. 230 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,448 No, really? 231 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,450 'Cause I feel fucking fat. 232 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:39,495 Because, Lumphump311, 233 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,038 I have carpal tunnel, 234 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:44,375 and if I hand-jobbed him, my wrist would literally shatter. 235 00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:47,211 Ugh, this girl is so basic with her wack-ass excuses. 236 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:51,465 For real! Honey, take a Benadryl and slap that dick around, okay? 237 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,384 It's, like, not a big deal. 238 00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,219 Her hair... Now that's a big deal. 239 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,471 Is it me or does she have Waffle House bangs? 240 00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:59,140 -[laughing] -Ooh, you should keep him! 241 00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:01,225 Grow up, bitch. It's just a hand job. 242 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,060 You know how straight people are. 243 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,895 -Prude. -Yes, so prude. 244 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,814 I mean, all my gay friends are hand-jobbing. 245 00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:08,774 But you and Aiden aren't hand-jobbing. 246 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:11,652 -Oh, God, should we be? -Ooh! Ooh! He just squeezed your hand. 247 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,654 -What does that mean? -Isn't it obvious? 248 00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:17,783 He wants you to grab his boy rope and play tug-of-war with his taint! 249 00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,118 -Really? -And before you ask, 250 00:10:19,201 --> 00:10:21,412 there's literally nothing else it could mean! 251 00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:24,498 I don't know, Maury, I don't think I'm ready to give Aiden a hand job. 252 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:27,168 That's fine! He can jerk you off. 253 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,462 -What if I don't wanna do any of it? -You have to do it. 254 00:10:29,545 --> 00:10:30,504 I do? Why? 255 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,591 Because of the sacrifices of your gay forefathers. 256 00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:36,093 Have you not seen my episode of Spunk History? 257 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,178 You mean Drunk History? 258 00:10:37,261 --> 00:10:39,221 -No, no, no, Spunk History. -Hmm. 259 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,349 I chug a bunch of my own jizz 260 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:43,559 -and tell stories about the past. -Uh-huh. 261 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,686 Anyway, I'll show it to you. It's on my phone. 262 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,855 Sorry it's cracked. I dropped it in the bathroom. 263 00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:50,775 Oh! Hachi machi, this stuff is strong. 264 00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:51,984 Okay, where were we? 265 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:55,863 So when the Bible was happening, the prophet Abraham was like... 266 00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,740 Hey, I'm Abraham. 267 00:10:57,823 --> 00:11:00,159 And God says, "It's Adam and Eve, 268 00:11:00,242 --> 00:11:02,536 not Chuck and Larry..."  Whatever, you know what I mean. 269 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:05,039 -[belches] Fuck, I'm drunk. -[mumbles, snores] 270 00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:06,791 Shh! Shh! Don't wake the kid. 271 00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:08,542 -Okay, where was I? -[man] The Bible. 272 00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:09,502 Right, the Bible. 273 00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:12,672 Okay, so fast-forward, like, a hundred million years, 274 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:15,174 and being gay, like... [sputters] 275 00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:16,384 ...gets you in trouble. 276 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:19,387 For example, there's this dude, Oscar Wilde. 277 00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:22,056 He liked guys,  and they put him in jail for it. 278 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,432 And he's like... 279 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,601 "This is very uncool. 280 00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:30,147 If I'm stuck in here, I can't write Billy Elliot." [chuckles] 281 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:31,482 Ay! [groans] 282 00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:32,817 Are these getting thicker? 283 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,361 Okay, so they're putting gay people in jail, 284 00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:38,698 but then in 1969, sexy year, woo-woo... 285 00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:40,908 all the queers got to go to Stonewall. 286 00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:44,120 And Marsha P. Johnson, she threw out the first pitch. 287 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:45,663 Gay ball! 288 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,999 And then the laws started to change, so now we have 289 00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,167 pride parades, 290 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:51,252 Drag Race, 291 00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:52,753 same-sex marriage, 292 00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:55,172 and now gays can fuck wherever they want. 293 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:58,008 And that is the story of the first Thanksgiving. 294 00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,970 Okay, so you're saying that as a young gay man-- 295 00:12:01,053 --> 00:12:02,763 Who's so hot and who I love so much. 296 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,433 Thank you. …being sexually active is my duty? 297 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:09,186 Yes! It's a celebration of your sexual liberation. 298 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,813 Ooh, I just had an idea. 299 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,440 Let's jerk Aiden off! 300 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:13,399 Okay. 301 00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:16,360 Come on, say it like you want a dick in your hand. 302 00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,820 Okay! Dick! 303 00:12:17,903 --> 00:12:19,155 [doorbell rings] 304 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,781 -Hey. -Upstairs, bitch! 305 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,867 Oh, God, what are you doing? 306 00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,578 Take your pants off! I'm gonna knuckle-shuffle your piss pump! 307 00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:28,122 -What? -Now spit on his carpet and smile. 308 00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:29,039 [spits] 309 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,250 What the fuck, babe? You're scaring me. Stop it! 310 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:32,501 Nobody said this would be fun! 311 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,378 It should be fun. Why else would we do it? 312 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:38,132 I don't know, because we're gay and we did Stonewall, 313 00:12:38,215 --> 00:12:39,717 and it's our duty! Right? 314 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,635 What in the fuck are you talking about? 315 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:45,181 Your friends, and how we have to hand-job, and if I don't want to, I'm a prude! 316 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,600 [chuckles] Okay, my friends are full of shit. 317 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,643 -Broderick hasn't even kissed a boy. -Oh! 318 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:52,730 And besides, hand jobs are only fun if both of us are into it. 319 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:53,981 So, it's okay to wait? 320 00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:54,899 Of course. 321 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,442 Let's just take the pressure off, 322 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:59,361 circle a date on the calendar six months from now, 323 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,197 and if you're not ready by then, 324 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,323 I'll kill myself. 325 00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:04,450 Um, can we still make out? 326 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:07,953 Sure. And maybe after that, we can clean up the carpet where you spit. 327 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,205 [both laugh] 328 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,415 Hey, Matthew? Sorry, I know you're busy, 329 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:14,084 but can I use "knuckle-shuffle on your piss pump"? 330 00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:17,379 I wanna put it as my senior quote on my yearbook page. 331 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,591 -[phone chimes] -Oh, my God, isn't he so hot? 332 00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:25,179 Send him an eggplant and an avocado emoji and say, "Hungry for your cock-amole." 333 00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:28,432 -Or I could send him a shirtless pic back. -[camera shutter clicks] 334 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:32,186 "Can't wait to jerk you off on my timetable." 335 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:35,231 In the meantime, shall we take a 45-minute shower? 336 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:38,025 Oh, ho-ho!  Let's go clog that fucking drain. 337 00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:41,529 [phone chimes] 338 00:13:43,113 --> 00:13:43,948 Oh my! 339 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:47,952 Oh, Jesus on a four-man bobsled! 340 00:13:48,035 --> 00:13:50,412 [man] Kimberly,  that commercial you like is on! 341 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:51,455 The one with Flo! 342 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:54,166 -Oh, that Flo! Coming! -[chimes] 343 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:55,584 Oh! 344 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,086 I'll be right there! 345 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,462 Holy shit. 346 00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:05,636 Ladies, I've decided to do feminism in a way that serves me. 347 00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:07,888 So as long as I'm not touching any penises, 348 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:12,101 I'm calling on all of you to boycott boy cock! 349 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,435 I'm not sure about that slogan. 350 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:17,147 Nick, should it be "Boycott boy cock" or "Boy cock boycott"? 351 00:14:17,231 --> 00:14:19,108 Who fucking cares? The world is gonna end. 352 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,110 It sure is. You saw it yourself, 353 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:25,030 right after Jessi said you were a bad person who couldn't fuck! 354 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:28,284 Uh, Nick, what's going on, buddy? You seem very anxious. 355 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:32,538 After that fight with Jessi, I had this crazy dream, and now I'm a fucking mess. 356 00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:35,332 Well, if you have access to a hand, 357 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:39,003 you might want to try some self-medicating. 358 00:14:39,086 --> 00:14:40,129 Oh, that. 359 00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:42,756 Uh, I'm not very good at that,  I don't think. 360 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:43,883 You gotta practice, man. 361 00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,176 Grind that pepper, give your salad a little kick, baby. 362 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:47,344 I forgot about this. 363 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:49,430 Nick, come on. There's nothing to it. 364 00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:52,808 Allow me to show you the Glouberman method. 365 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:53,851 "The Glouberman method"? 366 00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:57,271 It's a delicate dance in just 17 steps. 367 00:14:57,354 --> 00:14:59,607 -Seventeen? -Look. 368 00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:01,609 Lock. 369 00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:02,985 Lights. 370 00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:04,904 Music. 371 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:06,280 -[jazz playing] -Lower the shades. 372 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:08,866 I flip the Mets. 373 00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:10,534 I flip the 'rents. 374 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:15,205 Lululemon maternity catalog. 375 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,958 Double-check the lock. 376 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:20,294 A tissue, two, three, four. 377 00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,463 A lotion, pump, pump, pump. 378 00:15:22,546 --> 00:15:24,131 -Ass. -Jesus. 379 00:15:24,214 --> 00:15:25,925 Triple-check the lock again. 380 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,718 I'm sorry, you check the lock three times? 381 00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:30,638 Nick, you interrupted me! Now I have to do it all over again. 382 00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:32,890 From the top, everybody. Back to one. 383 00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:35,643 -Places! -No, no, I don't need to see that again. 384 00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,478 Also, Andrew, you can pull up your pants now. 385 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:39,271 Aren't you gonna try the Glouberman method? 386 00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,857 Oh, God, no! Do you really do that every time you jerk off? 387 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,068 Yes, of course! Well, why would you even ask that? 388 00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:46,779 I don't know, it just seems a little bit, like, um... 389 00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,572 totally obsessive and insane. 390 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,282 I'm not obsessive. 391 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:55,829 I just know that if I ever deviate from my very precise method, even a smidge, 392 00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:57,498 something terrible will happen. 393 00:15:57,581 --> 00:16:00,376 That sounds like how a psychopath would masturbate. 394 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,003 Oh, please,  would a psychopath keep a journal 395 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,631 logging every ejaculation by weight and color? 396 00:16:05,714 --> 00:16:07,800 Hold on. If I hadn't stopped you, 397 00:16:07,883 --> 00:16:10,636 -were you gonna fully cum in front of me? -Yes. 398 00:16:11,887 --> 00:16:14,473 Hey, remember that thing Nick said about the method? 399 00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:16,809 That it's weird and annoying, and you seem crazy? 400 00:16:16,892 --> 00:16:18,560 [chuckles] Yeah. Like, what do you think? 401 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:21,230 Well, I hate to agree with that little fat-lipped fuck, 402 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,233 -but I have some issues with the method. -Really? 403 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:27,403 Jacking off is supposed to be spontaneous  and fun, 404 00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:30,823 like a motorcycle blowing up in front of a bikini woman. 405 00:16:30,906 --> 00:16:33,534 God, that's a great visual, but the method does work. 406 00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:34,910 Come on, you're a man! 407 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,036 When you wanna jerk off, 408 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,164 you should just grab your short fatty and go to work, baby! 409 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:41,834 Yeah, you're right. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 410 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,838 Hey, do you have a big hose to cool me down? 411 00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:48,048 [Andrew] Well, it's got a wide nozzle. 412 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:50,259 [Maury] Ooh! And maybe your cousin Cherry shows up. 413 00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:52,136 Hey! I'm Andrew's cousin. 414 00:16:52,219 --> 00:16:53,595 We have the same grandpa. 415 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,515 So get lost, 'cause this is making me horny! 416 00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:59,268 Oh, yeah? Well, then let's kiss about it, bitch! 417 00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:00,769 [Andrew] Oh, God, they're gonna kiss fight! 418 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,396 [screams] Oh, for fuck's sake! 419 00:17:02,479 --> 00:17:04,732 Whoo! That's what I'm talking about! 420 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:07,359 And your bedroom door is wide open. 421 00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:10,738 I can smell the soup your mom's making downstairs. 422 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,990 You were right, Maury! Just get to it! 423 00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:15,409 Hey, what are we gonna do with all our newfound free time? 424 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:16,452 Jack off again! 425 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:18,620 -Do it in front of the window this time. -[phone rings] 426 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,456 Let's fucking Louis the neighbor! 427 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,082 Well, let's not call it that. 428 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,751 [Marty] What? No! 429 00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,253 -Oh, you gotta be kidding me! -What? 430 00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:27,421 Marty, what's wrong? 431 00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:28,338 It's Skip. 432 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,382 My father just dropped dead! 433 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,468 -Zaide? -Your grandpa just died? 434 00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:36,013 -[Barbara] What happened? -They don't know! His heart just stopped! 435 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:40,267 Oh, God, at the exact moment I deviated  from the method... 436 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,603 [panicked inhaling] Maury, you don't think that-- 437 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:43,979 That you killed your grandpa? 438 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,148 Because you jerked off willy-nilly? 439 00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,649 Without the hat and the dance? 440 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,359 Oh, Maury! It's true, isn't it? 441 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:51,904 It's all my fault! I killed my Zaide! 442 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,949 I told you, he who cums without discipline invites chaos. 443 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,827 -That is the opposite of what you said! -Murderer says what? 444 00:17:58,911 --> 00:17:59,745 -What? -Exactly. 445 00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:04,416 [sobs] Oh, God! 446 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:12,132 If you've looked at your phone today, you've no doubt noticed the hashtag 447 00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:14,176 "BoycottBoyCock." 448 00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:15,427 Hi, I'm Gayle King, 449 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:19,765 and with me now is the young woman who started it all, Devin LeSeven. 450 00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:24,144 Gayle, it all started when my husband Devon divorced me 451 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,271 because I wouldn't give him a hand job. 452 00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:29,108 I have to ask, is your husband also a child? 453 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,734 I think I hope the answer is yes. 454 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:35,489 Mmm! Michael Angelo's so hot and such a good kisser, 455 00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:38,617 you don't even care that girl from your old school's on TV, huh? 456 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:43,080 Let's depend on him for all our self-worth and happiness. 457 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:46,291 Well, I don't like that. But I do like the frenching. 458 00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:50,087 -Ooh! No, it'll be okay. -What's wrong, baby? 459 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:53,382 Oh, it's... it's nothing.  It's just, um... 460 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,968 -It's just blue balls. -Oh, God, I'm sorry. 461 00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:58,720 -I'm sorry. Am I doing something wrong? -I mean, you turn me on, 462 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:02,182 but then I don't get to, like, you know, uh... finish? 463 00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:03,725 Uh, right. Finish. 464 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,103 And, uh... And so now I'm just, like, in massive agony. 465 00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,230 -Oh, God! Massive? -Yeah... 466 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,357 You hear that? You're hurting him! 467 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,358 Is she, though? 468 00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:13,610 I mean, "blue balls." Is that really a thing? 469 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:14,820 I mean, I've heard of it. 470 00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:17,322 Everybody talks about it.  I just don't know what it is. 471 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:18,365 No, it's fine. 472 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,701 It's just this excruciating pain  in my nuts 473 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,870 -that turns into a cramp in my stomach. -Oh, God. 474 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:26,039 Could you imagine that, Jessi? A painful cramp in your stomach? 475 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,708 Of course you can! 476 00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:30,002 And the government should pay for tampons! 477 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,295 You better do something 478 00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:33,839 about those blue balls before he dumps you. 479 00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:36,633 -[moans, shudders] -Oh, I'm so sorry. 480 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,302 Ah! What can we do? 481 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:39,928 -Listen-- -You want to go to urgent care? 482 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,181 I guess there's one thing we could try... 483 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,641 No, forget it. You probably wouldn't be into it. 484 00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:45,809 No! What is it? 485 00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:47,227 Maybe I'll be into it. Tell me. 486 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:49,563 -I guess if you really wanted to help… -I do. 487 00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:52,107 …you could, you know, give me a hand job? 488 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:55,444 Oh! Oh, a hand job. 489 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:57,446 Wow! Okay, that's, um... 490 00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,615 That is an unexpected big request. 491 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:02,075 Kinda big league... Big League Chew! 492 00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,827 -[both laugh] -So you're into it? 493 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:04,745 Might as well. 494 00:20:04,828 --> 00:20:07,497 He's in ninth grade, he expects these things. 495 00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:09,082 Shit, what's the answer? I don't know. 496 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:12,336 It's just, I wish I could do it right now, but I do, um... 497 00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:13,545 I have to go vote. 498 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:16,173 I have to go vote. It's, um... It's a state election. 499 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,133 -Okay. -But tonight, 500 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,302 I'm gonna come back, we're gonna hang out... 501 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:23,597 -Yes. -And I will be down to stroke that clown. 502 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,015 -Oh, good. -Just hang tight. 503 00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:26,433 -All right. -Okay, I'll be back. 504 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,769 Wait a tick. 505 00:20:28,852 --> 00:20:32,439 If blue balls hurt that much, why can't he just jerk himself off? 506 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,775 -Wait, yeah. -Because he wants you to do it. 507 00:20:34,858 --> 00:20:35,817 You're his girlfriend. 508 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,818 It's your job! 509 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,654 It's your hand job! 510 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:41,323 And if you don't do it, someone else will. 511 00:20:41,698 --> 00:20:42,574 Oh, really? 512 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,370 I'd do it myself, but I'm just a fat, sad cat. 513 00:20:46,453 --> 00:20:49,915 See, I just think Michael Angelo's blowing this blue balls thing 514 00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:50,999 way out of proportion. 515 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,292 But what if he's not? 516 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:53,585 What if it's agony? 517 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:54,503 What if they rupture? 518 00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:55,545 What if he drops dead? 519 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:58,006 Next stop: blue balls ward. 520 00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:58,924 What? 521 00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,217 [balls groaning] 522 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,220 Out of the way! These blue balls are about to explode! 523 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:06,265 [both] I don't wanna die! I have kids! Inside me! 524 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:08,141 Jesus, is this place for real? 525 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:09,351 Unfortunately, yes. 526 00:21:09,434 --> 00:21:11,895 It's the blue balls ward of the Boy Hospital. 527 00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:14,398 They got a fucking blue balls ward? 528 00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:15,941 Where are those free tampons? 529 00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:19,111 Michael Angelo's balls are here because you won't jerk him off. 530 00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,946 [both] Why do you hate us, Jessi? 531 00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:22,155 Why won't you save them? 532 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,866 You're literally an enormous hand. 533 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,034 Why don't you do it? 534 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:28,036 Because I am a doctor, not his girlfriend. 535 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,539 Thanks for nothing, Jessi. 536 00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:34,001 -[whimpering] -[EKG flatlines] 537 00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,085 I'm gonna call it. 538 00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:36,920 Cause of death: Jessi Glaser. 539 00:21:37,587 --> 00:21:39,047 -Oh, shit! -[Connie gags] 540 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,007 Fuck me! 541 00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:43,927 I just got my hair blown out, and now I feel like an idiot. 542 00:21:44,011 --> 00:21:46,555 You know what? I'm gonna complain to Mark Levin about this. 543 00:21:46,805 --> 00:21:50,684 Okay, so blue balls actually seems like a huge fucking deal. 544 00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:54,604 Seems like everything'd just be a whole lot easier if you'd just jerk him off. 545 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,815 -I guess you're right. -If he isn't already dead! 546 00:21:56,898 --> 00:21:57,774 We can do this. 547 00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:02,321 We're just gonna yank it, spank it and crank it until the slime comes out. 548 00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:05,198 Oh, yeah. Slime's gonna come out. [sighs] 549 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,870 Well, I think it's time to milk that mushroom, baby. 550 00:22:09,953 --> 00:22:11,913 I just wish I was more into it. 551 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:15,083 It's too late to back out now. You promised him. 552 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:19,171 Just zone out, Anthony his wiener, and think about lunch. 553 00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:20,255 -Hey. -Hey. 554 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,132 Hey, Michael Angelo, I'm um... 555 00:22:22,215 --> 00:22:25,302 I'm ready to do that thing  that we said we would do. 556 00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:27,179 You mean, you wanna give me a hand job? 557 00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:29,931 Yeah. Yeah, sure.  I mostly wanna do it, yeah. 558 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,934 Oh, fuck, yeah. This is exactly what you wanna do. 559 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,102 -Yeah. -Here it is. 560 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:37,230 Oh. Okay! It's there! 561 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:39,232 Oh, my God. It's a penis. 562 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:42,277 Hello. You must be Jessi. I'm a penis. 563 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,154 Yes, you're a real-life penis. 564 00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:47,282 It's a funny word, isn't it? "Penis." Say it with me. 565 00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,200 Penis. 566 00:22:48,283 --> 00:22:49,785 -Penis. -Penis. 567 00:22:49,868 --> 00:22:51,536 -It is indeed a funny word. -[Jessi laughs] 568 00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:54,498 It's a funny word 'cause it's a funny-looking thing. 569 00:22:54,581 --> 00:22:55,457 Oh, my God! 570 00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,125 Yeah! Some would say ugly! 571 00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,378 [laughs] You're not what I expected. 572 00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:02,589 Oh, right, 'cause he's English and I'm from Long Island. 573 00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:06,051 Hey, pull me down, Jessi!  Watch me boing back up! 574 00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:07,469 -[Michael Angelo] Oh, yeah. -Boing! 575 00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:09,513 [laughs] That stupid thing boinged back up! 576 00:23:09,596 --> 00:23:11,014 [laughing] That's so fucking stupid! 577 00:23:11,098 --> 00:23:12,766 I love laughing about this! 578 00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:14,810 Jessi, what's so bloody funny? It's my dick. 579 00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:17,020 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm-- 580 00:23:17,104 --> 00:23:20,440 I'm just nervous, and your penis is  from Long Island, and I'm so sorry. 581 00:23:20,524 --> 00:23:21,650 Oyster Bay, to be exact. 582 00:23:21,733 --> 00:23:23,443 -[chuckles] Oh, my God. -What the fuck? 583 00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:25,737 [whimpers] Stop laughing! He's getting mad! 584 00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:27,697 God! This was clearly a mistake. 585 00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:29,741 What? No, no, no! I'm sorry! I didn't-- 586 00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:31,785 Well, it's not like I'm laughing at your sad little titties! 587 00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:33,370 Oh, fuck, no! 588 00:23:33,453 --> 00:23:35,664 Rip his throat out with your teeth, Jessi! 589 00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:37,749 -Um... -Say something! 590 00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:39,459 I, uh... 591 00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,754 You know, I might have tiny little titties, but-- 592 00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:44,256 Oh, yeah, here it comes! 593 00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:47,717 But, you know, I think I just need to go home, um, tonight. 594 00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:48,677 For now. 595 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,388 Aw, Jessi, that's all you got? 596 00:23:51,471 --> 00:23:53,557 Yeah? Well, don't worry about coming back. 597 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,059 You're an immature cock tease, and I'm breaking up with you. 598 00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:57,227 What? 599 00:23:57,310 --> 00:24:01,565 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go finish myself off. 600 00:24:01,648 --> 00:24:04,401 Now, see? Why couldn't he do that the whole time? 601 00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:06,862 -[sighs] -You got dumped! 602 00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:08,196 He doesn't want you. 603 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,656 No one's ever gonna want you. 604 00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:12,617 Jessi, honey, there's a documentary about Lorena Bobbitt 605 00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:15,328 -that has some really intriguing ideas. -[Shannon] Jessi! 606 00:24:15,412 --> 00:24:16,997 -Would you care to explain this email? -Mom.... 607 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,124 Your school says you haven't been there in a week? 608 00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:22,461 Just shut her out and pull your blanket over your head. 609 00:24:22,919 --> 00:24:24,588 Maybe you should talk to her. 610 00:24:24,671 --> 00:24:28,508 If anybody knows about not wanting to stroke dick, it's got to be Shannon. 611 00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:30,594 Oh, yeah, she'll be a lot of help 612 00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:32,804 when you tell her about your secret boyfriend. 613 00:24:32,888 --> 00:24:34,598 You'll get in even more trouble! 614 00:24:34,681 --> 00:24:36,183 What's going on with you, Jessi? 615 00:24:36,266 --> 00:24:39,060 [Jessi] I don't wanna talk about it. Just leave me alone. 616 00:24:39,144 --> 00:24:42,689 -I'm really disappointed in you. -[Jessi sobbing] 617 00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:44,065 You're so alone. 618 00:24:44,149 --> 00:24:45,358 But you've got us. 619 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:48,695 Yeah, you got us. [grunts] 620 00:24:49,070 --> 00:24:52,199 No worries, I'll just sit on the floor and catch up on my stories. 621 00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:54,034 Hey, y'all. Devon here. 622 00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:56,745 Devin's been on here talking hella shit, and you know what? 623 00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:57,829 I wanna keep it real. 624 00:24:57,913 --> 00:25:00,499 I didn't divorce her 'cause she wouldn't give me a hand job, 625 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,667 although she said she would. 626 00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:04,461 I broke up with her because she's mean. 627 00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:06,755 She's a meanie-bo-beanie, and I don't like it. 628 00:25:06,838 --> 00:25:10,300 So I'm single now, and if anybody wants to give me a hand job, 629 00:25:10,383 --> 00:25:12,469 slide on into them DMs, dawg. 630 00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:14,429 But please be nice to me. 631 00:25:16,264 --> 00:25:17,432 That was a good episode. 632 00:25:17,516 --> 00:25:19,643 It was different, but not too different. I liked it. 633 00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:24,814 I gotta say, all that hand stuff made me, Connie, a little horny. 634 00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:27,400 Should we do some hand stuff?  Hand job? Hand job? 635 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,695 Ooh, really? With Andrew right in the bed? 636 00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:32,239 The kid sleeps through everything. 637 00:25:32,322 --> 00:25:34,741 That's true. We can always pretend he's dead. 638 00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:36,660 [moaning] 639 00:25:36,743 --> 00:25:38,870 -All right, take your hand south. -You like that? 640 00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:40,330 [Connie] Further. Down to Tijuana. 641 00:25:40,413 --> 00:25:41,665 -How's that? -[Connie] That's it. 642 00:25:41,748 --> 00:25:43,833 -[Maury] Yeah! -[Connie] Hallelujah. 643 00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:47,879 -♪ Can't keep my hands to myself ♪ -[rock music playing] 644 00:25:49,005 --> 00:25:51,800 ♪ Hands to myself ♪ 645 00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:54,678 ♪ Can't keep my hands to myself ♪ 646 00:25:57,889 --> 00:25:59,349 ♪ Hands to myself ♪ 647 00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:03,562 ♪ The doctors say you're no good ♪ 648 00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:08,567 ♪ But people say what they wanna say ♪ 649 00:26:09,859 --> 00:26:13,196 ♪ And you should know if I could ♪ 650 00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:17,158 ♪ I'd breathe you in every single day ♪ 651 00:26:17,617 --> 00:26:18,618 ♪ Mm-hmm ♪ 652 00:26:21,204 --> 00:26:26,167 ♪ 'Cause all of the downs and the uppers Keep making love to each other ♪ 653 00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:29,879 ♪ And I'm trying, trying Trying, trying ♪ 654 00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:34,759 ♪ All of the downs and the uppers Keep making love to each other ♪ 655 00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:35,885 ♪ And I'm trying ♪ 656 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,887 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 657 00:26:37,971 --> 00:26:40,390 [man laughs] "Good at Bizness." 658 00:26:40,473 --> 00:26:42,475 -[man] Chirp. -[kazoo plays]