Izzy, wait! I've never repaid you.
Repaid me for what?
For selling us out to the English.
I never made you leave him.
You did that yourself.
Where is he? Where's Ed?
You absolute
twat.
Stede!
Ed!
Stede!
Ed!
Stede!
Ed!
Knew you'd find me, babe.
You're not mad?
I knew you'd find me, love.
So, we're good, about everything?
Fuckin' love the beard, mate.
I'm just trying something new.
Bro. Is that you?
No! Oh, God! No!
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Oh, Christ! Wee John!
-Can you shut it, man? -He farted on me.
Shut up!
-Shut up, man. -Enough.
It's still there. It's a wall of stench.
Can't be worse than you moaning,
"Ed, oh, Ed" all night long.
Shut up.
He's done it again!
Oh, God!
Shut it, man.
You're making more noise with your shushing
than I am with my complaining about almost dying from his farts!
"Dear Ed, the crew and I are safe, and thriving.
"As I've renounced my wealth,
"we've been forced to take up temporary residence
"on the Republic of Pirates.
Fortunately, we've been able to work a few of Oluwande's connections."
Basically, the long and short of it is we're looking for work and
maybe a place to sleep?
Isn't that the dude who broke my nose jar?
Yes. Hi.
-Again, apologies for that. -Who's Blondie?
-Oh, it's you. -That's The Swede.
I'm The Swede.
He's single.
Come on over here, baby. Don't be shy. Come here.
-Go. -It's okay.
Be brave.
Turn around for me.
Okay.
Aren't you the absolute unit?
You guys can sleep in the cellar. Start work in 20 minutes.
Yes!
-Okay. -No, no, no, no, no.
Not you. Not you.
Have a seat.
Okay.
-See ya, mate. -Thanks, Swede.
Scooch a little closer. Huh?
Spanish Jackie don't bite.
I lied. I bite.
Okay. Time to go.
Good evening. Welcome to Spanish Jackie's.
-Reservation? -Eat my fuckin' shit.
Right. Walk-ins, then.
I've got a peach of a table for you. Follow me.
-My favorite hand! -He started it.
I told you about the stabbings.
"Guess you could say we're in a bit of a rebuilding phase as a crew."
-Order up! -This is for Mom!
Jesus! Nice. Real mature.
"We've really come into our own..."
Here ya go.
"...as a team."
How's that?
-Fuck you. -Lovely.
Sounding good, Buttons.
May we go back to the sea now, Captain?
Soon! We still need to save more cash.
"Morale is the highest it's ever been. It's a golden age."
Hit me with something hard, Olu. Please.
Drinks aren't on the house. You know that, right?
Come on, please.
I'm happy to buy you a drink.
Well, thank you.
Richard Banes.
My friends, they call me Ricky.
You're Stede Bonnet, aren't you?
I'm afraid I have no idea what you're saying, or who he is.
I've been called away. Excuse me.
"To reiterate, we're doing great.
"Hope you are as well.
I think of you, often."
We're approachin' the vessel, Captain.
"Hope you're thinking of me
as well."
'Bout fuckin' time we got to that ship.
It's taken forever.
"I know the odds of this finding you are slim."
I will find you, Ed.
"But so were the odds of us finding each other in the first place."
The natural condition of humanity is base and vile.
It is the obligation of people of standing, such as yourselves,
to elevate the common human rabble
through the sacred transaction of matrimony.
If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Objection.
What demon is this?
Demon?
I'm the fuckin' Devil.
And these are the kids.
Guards!
Is it just me or was the wedding thing a bit over the line?
I don't know.
I've never really been to a wedding before
so got nothing to compare it to, really.
I've never seen Blackbeard like this.
He didn't even bat a eye when Ivan got killed.
Cake's bang on though, right?
Fabulous. Very good.
Ya know, in my opinion.
I mean, buttercream isn't everyone's thing though, is it?
How are you handling all this so well?
Well, see, I have a system for dealing with all the terrible things I've seen.
There's a box in my mind
and I put the things in the box, I lock the box.
And then I don't open it again.
Works like a charm.
Dear, oh, dear.
You gonna finish that cake?
No?
They may as well draw horns on his head.
He can't possibly look like this.
He's been busy, though, ain't he?
I've never seen one of these with writin' on the back.
He's just blowing off some steam.
Susan! Two soups, please.
Hey, Suze.
Look, Captain, you know we're never gonna save enough
to get the kinda ship you're after.
Well, not with that attitude, we won't.
Sue, if you thought that way, would you have this wonderful soup kiosk?
Yeah, I probably would.
Sue had tenacity and grit.
I also killed someone and stole their kiosk.
Sometimes action is better than vision.
See, that's what I've been tellin' him.
That's 'cause you're the smart one.
Well, we can't turn up with any old ship. We need to look good.
Are you stalling 'cause you think Blackbeard's gonna murder you?
What? No. Why would he do that?
'Cause he's a fucking madman.
-And you dumped him. -I didn't dump him.
-You dumped him. -He dumped you.
No. We're on a break.
A break. Give me a break.
Look, I don't care what any of you say. He's actually a good guy.
The crew are lookin' a tad worse for wear.
Did everyone get cake?
Yeah, they got cake.
Well, they're welcome to have some rhino horn.
Just ground up a fresh batch.
Oh, fuck!
-You want some? -No, not right now, no.
Well, then get back to work, ya fuckin' lightweight!
Can't do the job, someone else will.
Right! Get it all up on deck!
So, we gonna divvy this all up and take our cut then?
No, we're gonna throw it overboard.
We've taken on too much plunder.
We need to dump some to catch up to our next target.
You want us to throw this treasure away so we can steal more treasure?
Yeah, that definitely makes no sense, man.
It is not your place to tell me what does or does not make sense.
It is your job to f--
to follow my fucking orders!
How you doing, Izzy?
I'm fine. Unhand me. Unhand me.
You really don't seem fine.
Yeah, we think you're in an unhealthy relationship with Blackbeard.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that guy does a lot of rhino horn.
Yeah, and he's cut off at least two more of your toes, hasn't he?
It all seems fairly toxic to me, mate.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Izz.
Hey, Izz.
-It's alright. -Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's alright. It's alright.
Am I crushing you?
There we are.
It's alright. Alright, there.
Hey, guys.
I don't want to alarm anyone, but have you seen the jar?
-Our savings jar? -Yeah.
No.
This jar right here?
I see y'all been holdin' out on me.
Jackie, that is our money. We earned it.
You know, I had y'all on the broke motherfucker plan.
I think I'm gonna upgrade you to the triflin' ingrate plan.
-There's a lot of fees. -A whole lot of fees.
Room and board.
And I do believe they have the Vista Suite.
-Vista Suite? -The room with the window.
Semi-clean water.
Come on.
Can you think of anything else, boo cakes?
Ongoing job training and education?
-Absolutely. -Come on!
Swede!
Look like you owe me.
Oh, yeah? Well, what if we took that back?
I think my husbands would have a problem with that.
Have ya met all 20 of 'em?
That's a lotta husbands.
I know that guy. We had breakfast together.
You will be havin' a lot of breakfasts-es together.
Oh, okay.
You know, a change of scenery could be good.
We were stagnating there anyway.
So, you're suggesting that we live under a bridge?
How am I supposed to cook here?
At least we got a roof. Lots of air.
Oh, shit.
Oh, look. Running water.
Dear Ed, things are terrible.
I think I'm afraid to see you.
I'm not afraid you're gonna kill me.
I'm afraid that your life is better without me.
Could be. Could be, mate.
I know who you are.
Jesus! Can't you give a man some privacy?
Please forgive me, but I know everything about you.
All of your adventures.
-I'm sorry if that's a little bit creepy. -You are creepy.
And whatever you're selling, I don't wanna buy it.
But the Gentleman Pirate, he saved my life!
Quite frankly, you're my hero.
See, I, too, am a child of wealth.
I'm actually a minor prince.
And I was entertaining ending it all when I heard about you.
You gave an odd bird like me hope, Bonnet.
And I could have a life of my own invention.
Okay, come on. Get out of the rain.
Look, the Republic of Pirates isn't a game.
You'd do well to steer clear of this place before ya get hurt.
Especially Spanish Jackie's.
No, I've been barred from there.
Yeah, I was too nosy.
I made a little remark about her Roman puzzle chest.
What? A Roman puzzle chest?
Yes. She had it brought through the bar.
And these rubes, they don't know what one is,
but men of our standing, we know a valuable when we see one.
Roman puzzle chest.
Okay. Jackie keeps the trunk at the foot of her bed.
I don't even know what's inside but she says it's of great value.
How do we know we can trust you?
You're husband number 20, after all.
-Come on, man. He's The Swede. -Come on.
-Black Pete, come on. -My time with Jackie
has been the happiest of my life.
Her love has helped me locate parts of myself I didn't even know existed
and reclaim others that I had long missed.
But
I owe you a life debt and I am bound to honor it.
-That's a friend. -Life debt.
Hear, hear.
-Yep, yep. -True.
You're a good man, Swede. Thanks for this.
Would tonight work?
Yes, indeed.
Tonight is my turn to perform the husbandly duties.
-So... -Okay.
The crew are refusing to part with any treasure.
Why?
Because it's fuckin' treasure.
Not good enough.
And that's another toe.
Take your boot off.
Who am I to you?
What?
We've worked together for years.
You know me better than anyone has ever known me
and I daresay the same is true for me about you.
I have
-love for you, Edward. -Oh, come on.
I'm worried about you. We all are.
The atmosphere on this ship is completely poisoned.
But if we could all just maybe
talk it through.
As a crew?
Hang on. Ed! Captain!
At no point did I want to channel
-the former owner of this vessel. -Hi, all.
Real quick, I heard that you think the vibe here on the ship is poisonous.
Care to elaborate? Anyone?
Jim, we'll start with you.
Is the vibe here poisonous?
-Nope. -You?
Me? No. No.
Fang, you've been here the longest. Poisoned?
No, I'm alright.
I know who we should ask, ol' Blackbeard.
Hello, mate. You think the vibe on the ship is poisoned?
I don't know, Blackbeard.
Maybe a little bit toxic sometimes. Maybe it's a bit uncomfortable.
You do make the crew a little bit uncomfortable sometimes.
They think you're crazy. Well, I'm not crazy. I don't feel crazy.
-I feel pretty fucking good actually. -Fucking end!
The atmosphere on this ship is fucked.
Everyone knows why.
Well, I don't. Enlighten me.
Your feelings for Stede fuckin' Bonnet.
-Frenchie. -Yes?
Congratulations, you are now first mate.
Oh, no. I don't think I'm qualified.
'Course you are, mate. You can start by cleaning up that mess.
And the rest of you, you throw this shit overboard and get suited up.
We got a record to break.
Oh, my God.
Your back is really tight.
Like, super tight.
It's so good. Don't stop.
-Okay. -More.
Maybe I'll get started on the hamstrings?
Yes. Fuck those hammies up.
-Okay. -Fuck those hammies up.
How are you so good at this?
Come on.
Olu's meeting us at the docks.
I can't believe how well this is going.
Stede, what on Earth's takin' so long?
Rick! You're supposed to be on lookout duty.
Lookout? No, this is where the action is.
What are you doing?
I am leaving my calling card.
Yes, it is called a Lime Ricky.
It's bit of an ornate aperitif, but absolutely undeniable.
You're insane. We've gotta get going.
You see, this is where you went wrong with the whole Gentleman Pirate thing.
Details like this are important to build a brand.
So when people see this,
they know that they have been robbed by the best.
You've been Rick'd.
The calf muscle is the most mysterious of all the muscles--
Babe, shut the fuck up.
Somebody fuckin' with the bar.
-What? -Get up.
-Now? -Get up! Yes!
I'll get the knife.
Who are you?
You? You robbed me?
-Swede, knife. -Wait, wait!
Do you know who I am? I'm a minor prince!
I guess I'm gon' get a fancy-ass nose for my jar.
Okay. Where's the getaway dory?
Buttons went to get it.
Right. Why is your face blue?
This is what we risked our lives for.
Blue dirt!
No, this is indigo.
It's the finest dye. It's worth a fortune.
That's right. Now give me back my blue shit, Steve.
I can't believe you guys robbed Jackie.
So bad.
Jackie, this is not what it looks like.
Depending on what you think it looks like.
It looks like more noses for my jar.
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no! -Wait!
-Susan? -What?
I'll buy it from you.
Ain't you that soup bitch?
I'm the money bitch.
That enough?
Nah, soup bitch. It actually is not.
How 'bout double?
I want this lot as well.
Alright.
Sold.
-Get these assholes up outta here. -Hey!
-Yeah, let's get outta-- -Nah, nah, nah.
-Come back here. -Okay.
Did you double-cross me?
I owed a life debt.
It's okay, sexy Dutchman. Double-cross is my jam.
-So you're not mad? -No. It's kinda hot.
Okay.
-We work it out at the house. -Okay.
Let's go, husbands.
Can't believe you paid that much for some blue dirt, Susan.
Please. This much indigo is worth three times what I paid.
One thing I've learned in my time here, you people know so little.
-Who are you? -Alright, come on. Let's move.
You work for her now. Let's go. Let's go!
Okay.
Hurry up.
Stop crying.
I can't stop crying. He shot Izzy.
Wanna hear the story of the wooden boy?
So, there once was this boy, and-- Wait.
Was it a puppet first? Yeah, it was a puppet first.
And they wanted to be real, like a human or whatever,
so they wished on a monkey's paw to--
Do the voice.
Man, oh, man, do I wish I were a real person.
Do some more.
The monkey paw, it glows!
That's good.
Right.
So what's the plan, Captain?
Figured as first mate, I should be doin' somethin'.
You know there's a bird that never touches ground?
It's born in the air. Never once lands.
Spends its entire existence in the sky.
Sounds like something that maybe actually can't exist, Captain.
Never going back to land.
We're gonna sail, rob,
raise hell forever, and ever without end.
Sounds like a plan.
Dismissed.
Fuck you, Stede Bonnet.
Goodnight, Ed Teach.
We are return, my love. My ocean deep.
Never more shall we be parted.
So, are we in soup now or?
I'm totally down for that. I love soup.
Same.
So you're not actually a soup seller, are you?
Not exactly.
So who are you then?
Avert your eyes.
You are in the presence of Zheng Yi Sao, Pirate Queen!
So then, the monkey's paw started glowing.
"I pray to you, Dark Lord,
"to make me real flesh.
I want to be real flesh!"
And then, the monkey paw goes,
"I will make you the fleshy boy you desire."
"Oh, wow! I'm starting to turn into flesh!
It feels so soft!"