I used to think my legacy lay in the arts.
In music, to be precise.
My brother? He was a prodigy on the violin.
Everything came easily to him.
Me? I had to work at things.
Did you hear that?
Just the tiniest little bit of fourth finger vibrato.
What do you want from me?
"Blackbeard Breaks Ned Low's Record."
I'm Ned.
I told you.
I haven't seen Blackbeard's ship.
I never did become a renowned violinist.
My record, that was my legacy.
Eighty-eight consecutive raids at sea.
And he took that from me. He took it.
I don't know where Blackbeard is.
No, no, no, no, no. I've been tracking him for ages.
I know exactly where he is.
Why are you doing this?
Because, my love,
I'm still a musician at heart.
God, that was a beautiful pitch.
That was really nice.
Let's loosen up.
A bit more from the diaphragm. Less from the throat.
You have a lovely, natural instrument.
Oh, look, it's scowl-y face.
Oh, look, you're talkin' to me again.
Yeah.
Sorry, I'm a bit drunk, I thought you were Roach.
Jesus. You're really puttin' that away, aren't you?
Yes, I am.
Somethin's wrong.
Feels like a storm is coming, but I can't see it.
Or maybe you're just a mopey twat and there isn't a fuckin' storm.
Sorry about your leg.
Fuck off.
I put all of your remaining treasure in one room.
It was all over the place and I was tripping over it.
And some of it's quite ugly.
Excellent. A reminder of all my guilt.
A guilt room.
Well, maybe you could do something good with it.
I'm inside a snake, man! I'm inside of a fuckin' snake.
And I'm like, I feel like a snake, move like a snake,
ya know, and I get a knife and I just stab the fucker.
And then I--
And then I, like, crawl out, and then they're like,
"Surprise!"
'Cause it was my birthday.
And then we just spit-roasted that snake, it was delicious.
So, what do you guys do for parties around here?
Oh, yeah. We rage.
- I thought you might. - Yeah.
- Yeah, we rage! - Fuckin' rage.
- Do you? - Yeah.
Heavy on the rage.
Do we?
I haven't crawled out of a snake in years.
Yeah, guys. It's been kinda slow around here.
I mean, last night, we just reorganized furniture.
Yeah, well, improvement in the flow is undeniable.
Have you seen this place?
Yeah, but I'll be honest. We are a bit boring now, aren't we?
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
Well, it's a happy coincidence then that today is Calypso's birthday.
Oh, yeah!
- Yeah! Shit, that's today? - Yeah, it certainly is.
The most holy day in the Calypsian calendar.
And seeing as many of us here are Calypsish--
Oh, yeah, I'm Calypsish.
You're Calypsish, you're Calypsish.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is Calypso's birthday something that you guys
just made up, just invented so that we can have a party?
Correctamundo.
- Yeah, it is! - Aye, Calypso birthday!
You can buy new clothes. Or how's this?
Give a lot of it away to those less fortunate.
- Yeah. - Hey, Captains,
your crew were just wondering if we're doin' anything
for Calypso's birthday.
Calypso's birthday?
Correct. It's a day of observance.
By far, the holiest of days in our culture.
Traditionally celebrated by a big bash.
Well, definitely. We should--
Yes. I'll get onto that.
Have fun.
We should do that.
Yeah, so they're just tryin' to Calypso you.
It's totally just a huge made-up excuse for a big party.
Well, you know what?
You could use this loot to pay for a big bash.
Turn poison into positivity!
Poison into positivity.
The evils of piracy have plagued our nations
and our communities for long enough.
Indeed, I was minding my own business and I was beset by brigands.
You? You robbed me?
And those 20-something brigands took my nose.
So, it's up to us fine gentlemen
to stand up against this modern piracy
and stay vigilant.
Remarkable speech, Prince.
This was delivered by messenger this morning.
Alright. Party supplies on Ed.
We're gonna need flowers and lanterns.
We're gonna need a goat. And some rum. A rum-drinking goat!
So, what do we think Calypso drinks?
Bearing in mind Blackbeard is payin', so let's--
Then I reckon she drinks a fine brandy.
- One worthy of a goddess. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
We've only got rum. One type.
Cheap.
- Well, we'll take that, then. Yeah. - Yep, yep.
Hey, urchins, I'm gonna change your lives.
Here's 50,000 doubloons.
You know how long it was till I had that kinda money?
A fuckin' long time.
And here is a knife.
You stab anyone who comes near that money, okay?
I want a knife.
Yeah, you can have a knife, too.
Pro tip here: When you're killing someone, okay, don't bother stabbing, alright?
Chances are they'll survive.
You wanna slash big, deep slashes side to side so the guts all fall out.
Hey.
Did I see you offer both these children knives
and a big bag of money?
Yeah. Yeah, well, I just thought I'd give these filthy, little gutter rats
the head start that I never had.
Poison into positivity.
Are you a pirate?
- No, we're not pirates. - No.
And you won't be pirates either. Okay?
We own an inn.
Yes, of course. How can I forget?
Don't pirate, kids. Alright?
Agree. Don't be pirates. Don't be pirates.
I see you've received our invitation.
That's a very interesting way to describe blackmail.
Do we like the term "blackmail"? It's so unpleasant.
Can we just say that I...
I see you,
clearly.
Left a bit of yourself behind at Spanish Jackie's?
Auntie, please.
He's been through enough.
He's disfigured himself as a result of a business deal gone wrong.
No, no, we don't need to pile on.
I would be very careful who you trifle with, Zheng Yi Sao.
'Cause I'm a minor prince.
And that's why we're blackmailing you.
Again, I don't like that term. "Minor prince."
"Pirate queen who bent China to her will."
These are just labels.
I don't wanna talk about who you are.
I wanna talk about who you could be.
Here we go, guys. The snacks are ready.
- What's all this, then? - I'm working on my look.
Look?
The fuck's a look?
Well, tonight I'm going as the Sea Goddess Calypso.
I'm thinking dramatic eyes, dramatic lips.
Drama on the cheeks.
Now, it's imperative you do not sip until Calypso herself decrees.
Come on!
May the goddess have mercy on this thirsty little guy.
- What is this? - Welcome, ye party animules.
- Thank you. - For you!
Hang on, that's my tub!
Is it? Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm new here.
The moving of the tub, it's a sacred tradition!
- Yeah, this guy's devout as fuck! - Just go with it.
Fine. As long as it's returned without a dent.
Do you feel that?
She must be near!
Greetings, mortals.
Is that Wee John?
'Tis I, Calypso.
Raise your motherfucking glasses or feel my absolute wrath.
La, la
Yeah, just play that. Just follow my beat.
Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is la vie en rose
When you kiss me, heaven sighs
And though I close my eyes
I see la vie en rose
When you press me to your heart...
What's happening right now?
- I think you did it. - Did what?
Turned the poison into positivity.
And when you speak
Angels sing from above
Come on.
Everyday words seem to turn into love
Oh, God! We're under attack!
Get down!
What's happening? Is it fireworks?
Good evening, doomed crew of "The Revenge."
Ned Low. Fuckin' perfect.
I'm going to torture you all, by the way.
Ya know, we've never met.
But there's a reason for that.
Because I only hang out with cool pirates.
No. The reason is that I have always thought you were a very
generic pirate.
Ya know? Beard? Check.
- Hair? Check. - Fuck off.
Tattoos? Check. Ya know, just sort of a typical, common,
dirty bag of pirate.
I didn't even want your fuckin' record.
I only broke it 'cause I was bored.
Ya know, music came very easily to my younger brother.
Let me guess, you killed him?
Strung up your little fiddle bow with his guts
or something super melodramatic like that.
Oh, shit. Struck a chord.
- I think you got it in one. - Oh. Yeah.
It's usually something like that. It's often family-based stuff.
I will not be undone by another idiot savant!
Fuck you!
You torture like a bitch.
- Oh, yeah? - That's good.
But maybe don't encourage him.
Hey. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's me you want. It's me you want!
Don't! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, you fucker!
This is really gonna hurt.
Just so you know.
Relax. I'm tender-headed, ya know?
Alright! Okay!
I don't think the torture has begun.
Wait, so it gets worse than this?
Yeah, it gets way worse.
So, what's the plan, you weird fuck?
Yeah, I'm probably gonna cut your skin off in strips or some bullshit like that.
You don't sound very excited about it.
What are we...
what are we celebrating here, guys?
- It's Calypso's birthday. - Calypso.
- I'm Calypso. - Oh, God.
Guys, they Calypso'd them.
Ned would shit his pants if we did that.
Yeah, Captain likes a bit of whimsy now and then.
Well, I guess our captains have very different ideas about whimsy.
Maybe we should talk about it.
- No. Same shit, different day. - Okay. Okay. Okay.
- I'll shut up. I'll shut up. - Ya know, whatever this is,
it's just gonna turn me on.
Oh, really?
Go fuck yourself.
We were in there for a whole day.
I guess this is just engaged life.
Here's to 24 hours of freaky uninterrupted love.
Yeah, why weren't we interrupted? Where is everyone?
- That doesn't sound-- - Are we under attack?
Comfy?
Tighter, please. I think you've almost fixed my lower back.
Alright, you idiots. It's almost showtime.
Everyone settled in? Prepared to give their finest performance?
Can you hurry up?
Do you want it done fast or do you want it done well?
Both!
Yeah, right. Both.
Torturing us won't get your record back.
I know that. I'm just doing it for the lolz.
Now, you are about to witness
a little something I call, "The Symphony."
Let's all tune up! Tuning up!
Okay, so, let's see here.
Weapons. Weapons. Weapons.
Babe, here's everything I could find that's sharp or pointy.
Oh, my God, that's actually, like, making me nauseous.
- We really have to, like, do something. - Yeah, yeah. No, no.
Maybe we just, like, tell their stories.
And in some ways, isn't that the best revenge?
But we're not really at the revenge step.
We're sort of in the, like, pre-revenge window.
But there's a bunch of them and two of us.
Right, so, so, so, like, a plan.
Yeah, we definitely need a plan.
And we probably need more knives.
We definitely need more knives.
Okay, I'll go get some.
Okay. Like, a bunch more knives.
- Jesus! - No! You're late!
- I wasn't late. - It really hurts!
Thank you.
It's nice to get a little positive reinforcement now and again.
Don't talk to my employee.
- Oh, God. - That's the problem.
You see her as your employee rather than the person she actually is.
Okay, kill him.
Alrighty, dumbasses. Let's take it from the top!
Enough trifling!
Release my crew or Hellkat-- Is it Hellkat?
It's actually Hellkat Maggie.
- Oh! That's a beautiful name. - Thank you.
Hellkat Maggie gets it.
Go ahead and kill her. She can't even tie a rope correctly.
Maybe I'm demoralized by your constant fucking criticism.
Me too. I've had enough of the shiny fuck.
I don't like the way it makes me feel working for you.
Yeah, this job sucks.
You're mercenaries. You don't have feelings.
How about you stop telling me who I am?
- Yeah, and she has a name. - Yeah.
A beautiful one.
Fuck yeah! You wanna get crazy?
Let's get fuckin' crazy!
Guys, Stede's already got this!
- Yeah. Where you been? - We got engaged.
I love that.
Anywho, where were we? Oh, that's right.
Your lot was turning, weren't you?
Good.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Come on. Come on.
Please. Let's have a little professionalism.
Now he's saying please.
Who's comin' in late now, Neddy?
In summary, you have built a pirate navy,
and you want the Crown to pay them not to pirate.
Correct. Pay them a living wage.
Then they will stop stealing your shit.
Do you know where a fifth of your nation's treasure winds up?
- On the sea floor. - On the floor of the sea.
Get out. No way, the sea floor?
But you are gonna end all that.
You could end all that.
Because of Papa's access to the Treasury?
Yes, but more importantly,
because you're Prince Richard Banes, respected pirate abolitionist.
And you could be the man to end all piracy
without firing a single shot.
Shot.
Thanks for the treasure, Bonnet! You're a good dude.
Awfully sorry to hear about your mum, Vincent.
Hope she's feeling better soon.
Thanks, Bonnet. You're the fuckin' man, bro.
Alright. Full sail, dawgs!
And I mean that supportively and affectionately.
You are all a disgrace!
I'll find you! I'll hunt you down!
Alright, gang! Let's talk profit sharing.
Maggie!
So, Bland Beard. How ya gonna do it?
I'm not. I don't respect you enough to kill you.
You're not worth the poison.
What happened to you? What happened?
You used to be a killer,
but now you're just a washed-up, low-born dirtbag.
- Walk! - Now this is how ya do it.
This is what it's all about right here.
Go.
Get up.
On the plank?
Yeah.
That is kinky.
You're gonna toss me into the sea?
Works for spiders. Works for men.
Ya know, once you kill me,
you are a real pirate.
You're not an amateur anymore.
Don't do it, Stede.
Killing in cold blood, you can't come back from that.
See? That's why he likes you.
It's because of your bumbling amateur status.
You're like a pet, I think.
You hurt my crew.
You shit-talked my friend and damaged my ship.
But worst of all, you fucked Calypso's birthday!
Fuck off.
Alright, well, what would you like me to do? Jump?
No, don't forget your fiddle.
I'll be in my quarters.
Give him a minute.
First kill's always a mind-fuck.
I'm gonna check on him.
Hey. You okay?
Look, I was a wreck after my first kill as well.
I mean, well, it was my dad, so there's that--
Je vois la vie en rose
Il me dit des mots d'amour
Des mots de tous les jours
Et ca m'fait quelque chose
Il est entré dans mon coeur
Une part de bonheur
Dont je connais la cause
C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré, pour la vie
Mon coeur qui bat
C'est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie
Il me l'a dit, l'a juré, pour la vie
Et dès que je l'apercois
Alors, je sens en moi
Mon coeur qui bat
Da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, daaa, da
One more song! One more song!
I've got one more song!
My apologies, guys, but I couldn't let 'em
harm this little fella.
So we just went and hid off the side for a couple of hours, here.
And now I've got really sore fingies from hangin' there holding you! Yes, you!
Mate, you got sore fingies? I've got sore footsies and got tortured!
- And we survived! - Yeah.
Let's fuckin' party!
- I'll go get the fireworks! - Yeah!