1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,505 April: Andy and Leslie sent us care packages. 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:07,382 "Hey, Ben, just a few things to remind you of home. 3 00:00:07,466 --> 00:00:08,509 "Love, Leslie." 4 00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:13,889 Ah. Waffle mix. J.J.'S diner mug. New pajamas. 5 00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:16,099 Wow, there's a lot of stuff in here. 6 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,185 "Box one of twelve"? 7 00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,480 "April, here's something to help you remember 8 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,273 "our three-legged dog, champion." 9 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,441 Oh, that's cute. 10 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,401 "Also, you are way better at laundry. 11 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,987 "Can you please do mine and send it back to me? 12 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:31,448 "Thanks. Love you. Mouse rat rules. Love, Andy." 13 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,533 Less cute. 14 00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:33,742 "P.s. Please hurry. 15 00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:36,453 "I've been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now." 16 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,413 Look, there's a picture. 17 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,581 Ben: Ah. 18 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:40,958 That's horrifying. 19 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,587 I love him so much. 20 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,569 Okay. So, do you have the results of the study? 21 00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:09,987 Yes, and they're great. 22 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:13,699 Your tax on soda would definitely lower diabetes in this town. 23 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,867 And I have a great prop for the meeting. 24 00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:17,286 This is the amount of sugar 25 00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:19,079 that the average Pawnee ten-year-old 26 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,290 consumes from soda every month. 27 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,833 That is gross. It's gross. 28 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,668 All that sugar? It's really gross. 29 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,503 What a powerful image. What are you doing? 30 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:27,772 What did you put in this sugar? It's so good. 31 00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:29,923 My first act as a city councilwoman? 32 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:32,968 I have proposed a tax on all those giant sugary sodas 33 00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,970 so we can discourage people from drinking them. 34 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:38,223 I believe with my help all local restaurants can get healthier. 35 00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:41,059 Paunch burger, big 'n' wide, the fat sack, 36 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,644 colonel plump's slop trough. 37 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:44,813 Which was formerly sue's salads. 38 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,357 Until we ran that out of town. 39 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,445 Ah, councilwoman, in honor of your never-ending quest 40 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:54,781 to personally babysit each and every American citizen, 41 00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:57,534 I went to paunch burger and got myself a number two. 42 00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,579 Double bacon grenade deluxe, hash browns, 43 00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,956 chili cheese fries, and one poached egg. 44 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,750 Ugh. "Number two" is right. 45 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,378 I also picked up a 64-ounce sweetums sugarsplash. 46 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,088 Damn it, I love this country so much. 47 00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,591 Ron, I'm really glad that you're here. 48 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,468 Our political differences aside, 49 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,553 I am about to go to my first committee meeting 50 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,847 as a city councilwoman. 51 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:22,297 And there's something I need to say to you. Please don't. 52 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:24,144 I know you hate feelings and emotions. 53 00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,480 But I would not be where I am if it wasn't for you. 54 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,316 You hired me. You've always supported me. 55 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,734 How can I ever repay you? 56 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:33,445 Ah. Get me a refill. 57 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,616 Ben: Hey, everybody. 58 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,951 So, I've been going over your reports. 59 00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:42,996 Let's try to be consistent with our fonts, guys, okay? 60 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,915 There's a crazy amount 61 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,084 of random font differences in these memos. 62 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,128 Yeah, people. Consistent font usage. Come on. 63 00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:53,256 Times new Roman across the board. 64 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:56,927 No Geneva. No garamond. Definitely no papyrus. 65 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,470 Papyrus? Are you kidding me? 66 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,865 There's no place for that in a professional office setting. 67 00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,474 Yes. Thank you, April. 68 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:06,478 These college interns really need to be whipped into shape. 69 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:11,858 But don't worry, because they call me devo, because I can whip 'em good. 70 00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:17,030 And obviously, make sure the content is perfect, too. 71 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,157 Oh. And 12-point. 72 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,535 Thirteen is just obnoxious. 73 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:22,953 Great meeting. 74 00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:26,581 Out of the way, people! Motivational brigade coming through! 75 00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:31,586 So, you boys are going to go work out together, huh? 76 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:32,796 Nice. 77 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,256 Whereabouts? Community college. 78 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:35,507 Yeah, that's too far. 79 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:37,467 Chris and Tom offered to help me train 80 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:38,760 to become a police officer. 81 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:42,305 The physical exam is about three months away, 82 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,307 and I am in terrible shape. 83 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,435 But I can already do this. 84 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,481 So I'm getting there. 85 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,084 So, I've got a list of everything 86 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,168 that I'm supposed to be able to do 87 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,294 to get into the police academy. 88 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:59,823 And number one is be able to run two miles in under 25 minutes. 89 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,093 That's a typo, right? I mean, that's humanly impossible. 90 00:04:02,117 --> 00:04:04,995 When you are able to focus your mind and your body, 91 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,163 anything is possible. 92 00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:10,208 Anything is possible! 93 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:13,503 Ms. Pinewood. Recently, many of the local restaurants 94 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:19,217 have changed their small size option to a whopping 64 ounces. 95 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:21,803 That's correct. And it's great for the consumer. 96 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,263 More bang for the buck. 97 00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,973 Are we putting bargains on trial here? 98 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,392 How could any sane person call that small? 99 00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:29,811 Well, if the customer truly wants a smaller size, 100 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:30,937 there is an option. 101 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,732 Oh! Do you mean the "little swallow"? 102 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,025 Does anybody buy that? 103 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,943 Some girls buy them for their dollhouses. 104 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,862 But they're not very popular. 105 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,907 I mean, for only a nickel more, you get 64 ounces. 106 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:46,161 Well, uh, paunch burger just recently came out 107 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:48,997 with a new 128-ounce option. 108 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,876 Most people call it a gallon. 109 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,294 But they call it the regular. 110 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:58,089 Then, there is a horrifying 512-ounce version 111 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,009 that they call child size. 112 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,386 How is this a child-size soda? 113 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:06,723 Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year-old child 114 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,391 if the child were liquefied. 115 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,268 It's a real bargain at $1.59. 116 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:11,520 I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood, 117 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,563 but why would anybody need this much soda? 118 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,024 It's not my place to speak for the consumer. 119 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,442 But everyone should buy it. 120 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,130 Chris: Come on, Andy. Come on. You can do it. 121 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,823 Go, go, go. 122 00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,282 You can do it, Andy. Dig, dig, dig. 123 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:27,202 Yes. Oh, my god. 124 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,538 I'm so hot. That was horrible. 125 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:33,875 I'm going to die. I'm so tired. 126 00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,712 Everything hurts. Running is impossible. 127 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,090 What are you doing? 128 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:43,593 Tom, now is not the time for criticism. How did he do? 129 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,930 Andy finished his two-mile run in 29 minutes and 43 seconds. 130 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,390 Andy: No! 131 00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:50,600 I'm never going to be a cop. 132 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,310 I'm going to have to be a robber. 133 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,812 Oh, come on. Hang in there, pal. 134 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:55,272 I'm going to drive around. 135 00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,192 Andy? I'm proud of you. 136 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,528 Not because of what you did, which was terrible. 137 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:04,656 But because of what I'm going to be able to get you to do. 138 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:05,907 I guess I'm proud of me. 139 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:07,117 Thanks, man. Me, too. 140 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,578 We have so much work to do. 141 00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:11,246 Oh, hey. Ellis, have you put 142 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:12,889 the campaign pictures up on the website? 143 00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:16,668 Yeah. I started doing them. 144 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,921 And are you going to finish doing them? 145 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,048 Nope. Later, man. 146 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,850 I actually think you look really good, 147 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:34,561 except for the stick up your butt. 148 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:37,814 Who do you think drew it? Was it Nathaniel? Ellis? 149 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:42,444 Man, I feel like these interns do not respect or like me at all. 150 00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:45,488 Honestly, you could loosen up a bit on the font stuff. 151 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,325 And everything. In general. 152 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,702 God, this is insane. They're interns. 153 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,288 They're totally replaceable. And I'm their boss. 154 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,206 I can just fire them. 155 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,709 Uh... hey, Jen. Listen. 156 00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,634 I'm having a problem with some of the interns. 157 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,130 I'm thinking of making some changes. 158 00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:03,340 Yeah. 159 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,802 Turns out Ellis is congressman Murray's nephew. 160 00:07:07,886 --> 00:07:10,680 Nathaniel is related to Donald rumsfeld. 161 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,849 Brittany's dad is Ben bernanke's dentist. 162 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:16,019 Every single one of these little twerps is seriously connected. 163 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,646 So, new plan. 164 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:23,568 Instead of firing them, I am going to kiss their asses like crazy. 165 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,322 Ms. Knope, this is about consumer rights. 166 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,699 And if they don't want to drink our delicious sodas, 167 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:32,994 we do provide healthier options, like water zero. 168 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,330 Oh, yes, let's talk about water zero. 169 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:39,626 The name implies that there are zero calories. Like most water. 170 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:43,088 But in fact, it has 300 calories per serving. 171 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,297 Isn't that misleading? 172 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,715 The zero on the label 173 00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:48,259 refers to the amount of water in it, which is zero. 174 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:52,889 If you want zero-calorie water, try diet water zero lite. 175 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,432 It has only 60 calories. 176 00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:55,976 Okay. I think we're done here. 177 00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,644 Okay. Thank you so much. 178 00:07:58,103 --> 00:07:59,938 Oh, councilwoman, one more thing. 179 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:03,733 Ifyour tax bill passes, local restaurants will hurt badly. 180 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,986 We'll have to lay off about 100 people. 181 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,905 You're bluffing. She's bluffing. 182 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240 Are you bluffing? 183 00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,242 The second your tax bill passes, 184 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,452 this press release goes wide. 185 00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:17,622 See you at the meeting. 186 00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:21,668 "Leslie knope soda tax forces massive layoffs." 187 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,254 Oh, my god, Ann. I need some sugar. No. No. No, no, no. 188 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,564 I need some sugar. Stop it. Leslie. 189 00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,007 You stop it right now. 190 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,028 Leslie: Okay, let's get started. 191 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:32,137 I proposed this bill, 192 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,902 but the issue has become very complicated. 193 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,224 So, before I decide how I am going to vote, 194 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,600 I'd love to hear from both sides. 195 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:38,744 Who would like to start? Yes? 196 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,311 Yeah. I work at colonel plumps, 197 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,715 and word around the slop trough is 198 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:43,523 they're talking about laying people off. 199 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:46,359 So, maybe you could get off your high horse and help me keep my job. 200 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:47,485 All: Yeah. 201 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,487 Well, sir, I may vote against the tax. 202 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,698 Because, fiankw, idonttakejob lossenghfly. 203 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,033 Dee Dee: No, I want the tax. 204 00:08:53,116 --> 00:08:55,201 My husband started drinking those giant sodas 205 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,454 and he's gained 100 pounds in three months. 206 00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:59,539 Consequently, we haven't had sex in 10 years. 207 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:02,518 I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months. 208 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,982 Well, we have lots of other problems. 209 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,588 Well, ma'am, my original stance was that 210 00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,965 implementing this tax would be good for public health. 211 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,801 All taxation is theft. 212 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,512 If the government can tax me, I can do this. 213 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:16,973 Grover, give that woman her purse back. 214 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,285 There are a lot of pill bottles in here. 215 00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:20,310 Okay. 216 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:23,938 Tom: Been making some modifications to the pace car. 217 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,775 Speaker system. Mad men bar. iPad dock. 218 00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:29,360 And bam! Orange racing stripe. 219 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:31,696 It's a perfect recreation of han lue's Nissan 220 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,782 in the fast and the furious: Tokyo drift. 221 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:36,576 Weirdly, so far, no one has noticed. 222 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:40,497 I want to find something that really motivates you. 223 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,707 Why do you want to achieve this goal? 224 00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:44,477 I just want to get a good job for me and April. 225 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,086 Yes. Keep going. Dig. 226 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:47,670 Okay, yeah. 227 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,965 I love April. I think she's awesome. 228 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,651 She's all I care about in the whole world. 229 00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,344 Yes. Love and family. 230 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,346 What else is there, really? 231 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,098 Nothing at all. 232 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,891 I exercise because when I was a baby, 233 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,351 I had a rare blood disorder. 234 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,687 And I suppose I need to feel like my body is in tip-top shape. 235 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:08,900 So it doesn't destroy me, leaving me to die alone. 236 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,070 Great! You got yours, I got mine. 237 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,405 I'm going to go run until I puke. Let's go. 238 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,293 Ben: Guess what's in these boxes, everybody. 239 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,411 What? Pizza. 240 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,330 That's right. Everybody chill out. 241 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:24,165 Take a pizza break. On me. 242 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,292 Ellis. What's up, my male? 243 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,169 Grab a slice of "za", bro. 244 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,254 All right. 245 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:31,923 Hey. Dude, you play ultimate? 246 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,486 Yeah, I play intramural at Georgetown. 247 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,177 Dude, so did I in college. 248 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,846 Whoa. You guys should get married. 249 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,181 We should play tomorrow morning in the park. 250 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,724 What about the website? 251 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,562 Whatever. You can put those pics up anytime. 252 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,439 We should lock down some tight disk grabs. Am I right, ell-bones? 253 00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:49,732 Yeah, sounds good. 254 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,901 Yeah? Better than working. 255 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,194 No doubt. No doubt. 256 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:54,946 All right. Listen up, pizza lovers. 257 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:59,909 Tomorrow morning, pre-work ultimate in the park. 258 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,870 Everybody's invited. What do you say? 259 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,247 Let's do it to it, my dudes. 260 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,584 Okay. Anyone else? 261 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,502 Yeah. If we put a tax on soda, 262 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,171 I mean, what's next? Income? 263 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,797 Sir, you don't pay your income tax? 264 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,674 Whether or not I pay income tax 265 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,193 is none of the government's business. 266 00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,553 No... well... No, actually, it is. 267 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,722 Well, you don't know my name or what I look like, 268 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:21,890 so good luck finding me. 269 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,642 I think we should tax all bad things. 270 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:28,771 Like racism, and women's vaginas. 271 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:31,024 We're not taxing anyone's genitals. 272 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,443 Then, what the hell are we doing here? 273 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,028 Come on, boys. 274 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,407 Okay. Um, let's take a quick straw poll. 275 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:42,660 Hold up green if you agree and red if you disagree. Ann? 276 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:46,331 "The soda tax is good and will help people get healthier." 277 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:48,082 Lesue: That's about half. Ann: Half. 278 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:51,544 Okay. "The soda tax is bad and unfair to consumers." 279 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,839 Half and half. Thank you so much. This is very confusing. 280 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:55,924 Man: I've got an idea. 281 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,842 Maybe instead of me losing my job, 282 00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,260 you ought to lose your job. 283 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:01,387 Let's recall Leslie knope. 284 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,644 Let's do this! 285 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,188 Nice catch. 286 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:12,690 Someone please tell me we "Kodak'd" that moment. 287 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,943 Yeah, rock that scoober. 288 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,527 Wow! 289 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,529 You got it, Howie. 290 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,907 All right, April. What's the score? 291 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,617 A thousand to seven. 292 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,911 Good sportsmanship, bro. 293 00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:26,329 Sorry. 294 00:12:26,704 --> 00:12:28,039 Okay. Andy, repeat after me. 295 00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:30,124 "I run for April." I run for April. 296 00:12:30,208 --> 00:12:31,793 Run for your wife, son. 297 00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,503 "I run for love." I run for love. 298 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,921 Players at your marks. 299 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,798 What do you run for again, Chris? 300 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:39,384 Nobody. Nothing. Does it really even matter? 301 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,427 Get set. Get at me. 302 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,889 Whoa! 303 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,058 Oh, hey. You okay? No. 304 00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:49,310 There's something wrong with my body. Andy: What? 305 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,271 My legs aren't working. 306 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:52,981 I'm broken. 307 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,304 I need to go to the hospital and see a doctor right away. 308 00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,902 Leslie: Hey. Yikes. You look weird. 309 00:12:57,986 --> 00:12:59,445 So do you. 310 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,114 That's a lie. You always look beautiful. 311 00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,967 Okay, well, I couldn't sleep a wink last night. 312 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:04,071 So, at 5:00 in the morning, 313 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,702 iwent to paunch burger for a pick-me-up. 314 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,346 I couldn't decide what kind of soda I wanted, 315 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,122 so I had them put all six in one cup. 316 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,349 Do you know what it tastes like? Disgusting? 317 00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:11,416 Mmm-hmm. 318 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,126 How are you going to vote? I don't know. 319 00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,420 If I vote for the tax, then I might lose my job. 320 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,823 And if I vote against it, I might be betraying my own bill. 321 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,925 It's like I'm floating in this giant river of ambiguity. 322 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,386 You know, I'm under a warm waterfall of uncertainty. 323 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,804 Do you just have to pee real bad? 324 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:26,389 Yes. Yeah. 325 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,308 I've lost all of my instincts. 326 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,310 I'm lost. I don't know what I'm going to do. 327 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,104 I'm just going to have to wait and when they call my name, 328 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,772 I'll do what my gut tells me to do. 329 00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:38,276 Councilman howser. Aye. 330 00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,111 Councilman howser votes aye. 331 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:42,947 Councilwoman knope, how do you vote? 332 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,088 Gentlemen, it appears that I have fallen ill. 333 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:02,592 Mayhaps, might I suggest that we have a recess... 334 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:05,887 Can we take a recess? 335 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,389 Well, your pulse is super-fast, 336 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,533 but that wouldn't be out of line 337 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:13,394 for someone who drank and then barfed up a gallon of sugar water. 338 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,230 Oh, I'm a mess. Everything's upside-down. You know? 339 00:14:16,314 --> 00:14:17,899 I mean, when I used to just work here, 340 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,442 I was always so sure of myself. 341 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:20,943 And now, everything is different. 342 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,362 Oh, jeez. You know what? 343 00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,165 Do you guys know how to dissolve super glue? 344 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,422 Well, not everything is different, right? 345 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:30,745 Right. 346 00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:32,789 Ben: Hey, Ellis. 347 00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,499 Elbow. 348 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,167 El chupacabra. 349 00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,253 Drinking coffee. 350 00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:41,964 What? Oh, it's... 351 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:45,802 It's from 40 years ago. Never mind. 352 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,888 Hey. That was really fun this morning, huh? 353 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:49,972 Yeah. Yeah. 354 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,391 Yeah, totally. 355 00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:55,436 Ben: Oh, wow. Look at that. 356 00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,231 Did you draw that? 357 00:14:58,314 --> 00:14:59,607 Uh, nope, I didn't. 358 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,360 No, no, no, no, no. It's really good. 359 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:05,321 I mean you're a... You're a great artist. 360 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,323 I can't do this. Look. 361 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,993 I don't care who you're related to. I'm your boss. 362 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,954 And you can't keep disrespecting me like this. 363 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,914 Hey, man. I didn't draw it. 364 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:17,083 Your daughter did. 365 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,292 What? 366 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,294 Her. 367 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:22,588 April's not my daughter. She's my friend. 368 00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,882 Does everyone think she's my daughter? 369 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:28,428 Whatever. The point is she would never do that to me. 370 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,013 Sorry, dad. 371 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:40,356 Ron. My rock. My steady, guiding light. 372 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,316 Oh, captain, my captain. 373 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,026 Did you get that soda refill I asked for? 374 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:45,671 I need you, Ron. Okay? I'm in big trouble. 375 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:46,964 I need to go back to those chambers 376 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:48,548 in 20 minutes and I have to cast a vote, 377 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:49,758 and I don't know what I'm going to do. 378 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,659 I'm sure you'll figure it out. Ron. 379 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:54,179 The people at the public forum said they might want to fire me. 380 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,746 So, what? I tried to fire you. 381 00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,333 Okay, Ron. Come on. Be serious. 382 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,043 I was not joking. 383 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,047 Here's your personnel file. See for yourself. 384 00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:10,595 "Brilliant work. Commendation. Above and beyond." 385 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:11,679 Keep reading. 386 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,475 "Request for termination"? 387 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:17,518 You tried to fire me once? 388 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,937 No, no, no, no. I tried to fire you four times. 389 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:22,482 What... you... me... 390 00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:25,902 Foun_ fired times? 391 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,571 If you need to boot again, trash can's on your right. 392 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,992 Hey, man. What did the doc say? Everything okay? 393 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,328 The tests and blood work came back, 394 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,371 and the news is terrible. 395 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,373 They found 396 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,959 nothing. Nothing? 397 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,378 Nothing. The silent killer. 398 00:16:44,712 --> 00:16:47,423 Oh, my god. Chris, that means everything is okay. 399 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:48,901 Why weren't you at practice this morning? 400 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,027 Yeah, you should have been there. 401 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,491 I finally hit my minimum requirement. 402 00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:53,054 Minimum champion! 403 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,389 I'm going to die one day, probably. 404 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:59,310 Without ever having left my Mark on this silly little planet. 405 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,021 I'm going to die an anonymous, 406 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:04,899 meaningless speck of dust. 407 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:06,025 Wow. 408 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:08,587 It sounds like you're really going through some tough stuff right now. 409 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,739 It's too bad there's not doctors for your mind. 410 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:14,468 All right, well... hey, I'm going to go run some more laps. 411 00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:15,993 Will you time me? Go. 412 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,162 He's kind of right, Chris. 413 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,331 You were freaking out because you were thinking about 414 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:21,666 Andy and his family, 415 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:22,829 and how you don't have one. 416 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:26,045 Every time something tiny goes wrong, you spiral like crazy. 417 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,660 Maybe you should see a therapist. 418 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,801 I hope I'm not out of line. 419 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:39,725 You are as in line as a person can be. 420 00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:43,563 You are a genius and an amazing motivator. 421 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,482 What was my time? 422 00:17:47,108 --> 00:17:48,150 I don't know, 43? 423 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,402 Yes! New record. 424 00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:54,865 All my life, I have tried to achieve external goals. 425 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,742 Run a four-minute mile. 426 00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:58,578 Climb mount Everest. 427 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,663 But before I can do that, 428 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,916 I need to climb the mount Everest 429 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,877 of my mind. 430 00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,589 I don't understand. Why did you try to get me fired? 431 00:18:09,672 --> 00:18:12,758 The first year you worked here, you drove me nuts. 432 00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:16,012 I would say no to something you wanted to do, and you'd ignore me. 433 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,847 Or go over my head and do it anyway. 434 00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:20,933 You were insubordinate, stubborn, a pain in my ass, 435 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:22,143 and worst of all, bubbly. 436 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,145 I was a dedicated public servant. 437 00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:26,480 Right. That was the worst thing you were. 438 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,692 The point is I ended up withdrawing all four requests 439 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:30,860 to have you fired. 440 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,530 Because ultimately, I'd rather work with a person of conviction 441 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,532 than a wishy-washy kiss-ass. 442 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:39,201 Well, I had conviction because I knew what ibehevedin. 443 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,078 But I don't know with this new job. 444 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,997 I just feel like I've lost my bearings. 445 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:44,707 No, you haven't. 446 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:49,128 You may have wandered into unknown terrain, but you're still you. 447 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,088 You know what? 448 00:18:51,547 --> 00:18:53,341 Are you going to pull out some embarrassing 449 00:18:53,424 --> 00:18:54,925 photo of me from high school? 450 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:56,427 Take this compass. 451 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,346 All great adventurers need one. 452 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,932 Thank you, Ron. 453 00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:05,019 And listen. As far as all this firing stuff goes, 454 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,355 I will not forget, and I will never forgive you. 455 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,315 There she is. 456 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,068 Here's that report you wanted, boss. 457 00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:15,404 It's funny because it has 30 different fonts on it 458 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,781 and you only like one. 459 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,991 Do you like it? Yeah, it's hilarious. 460 00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:24,497 Okay, I'm sorry I drew those pictures of you. I was just messing around. 461 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,998 You may not take this seriously, 462 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:28,542 but this job is important to me. 463 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,586 And by the way, you should take it seriously 464 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,380 because I asked you to come work here 465 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:33,881 becauselthought you'd enjoy it 466 00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,174 and I think you're smart. 467 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:38,511 But you have to have some semblance of professionalism. 468 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:41,722 And I need you to give, like, even a 15% effort. 469 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,225 Twelve percent. Fifteen. 470 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:46,060 For god's sake, I'm asking for 15% effort. 471 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,062 It's not supposed to be a negotiation. 472 00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:49,772 Fine. I'm sorry. 473 00:19:51,148 --> 00:19:52,400 Fifteen... 474 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:57,780 City councilwoman knope, how do you vote? 475 00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:03,077 Aye. Strongly in favor. 476 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,080 The soda tax measure passes, three to two. 477 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:08,958 Leslie: Yes, I am very pleased with my vote 478 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,751 because I voted my conscience. 479 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,337 And by the way, she's totally bluffing about laying people off. 480 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,672 You watch. 481 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,174 Anyway, I may have made some enemies today, 482 00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:18,384 but that is part of the job. 483 00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:19,778 And who knows, maybe in the future, 484 00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:22,388 my enemies will become my friends. 485 00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,014 Stranger things have happened. 486 00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:26,308 Let's keep it down out there. 487 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,607 Yeah. I love cupcakes. 488 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,026 Ellis hates you and he has herpes. 489 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:37,987 Hey, what's your problem? 490 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,405 My problem is you, smellis. 491 00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:41,031 Ben told you to finish the website. 492 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:42,700 And if you don't do it, I swear to god, 493 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,535 I'm going to murder you in your sleep. 494 00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:46,498 I know where you live. Fourteenth street, right? 495 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:47,806 I'm going to get a melon baller 496 00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:49,832 and scoop your eyes out and eat them 497 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,460 and your congressman uncle is going to have to buy you a dog 498 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,587 to drag your eyeless face around. 499 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,259 Do you understand me? Yes. 500 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,011 Do it. Okay.