April: Andy and Leslie sent us care packages.
"Hey, Ben, just a few things to remind you of home.
"Love, Leslie."
Ah. Waffle mix. J.J.'S diner mug. New pajamas.
Wow, there's a lot of stuff in here.
"Box one of twelve"?
"April, here's something to help you remember
"our three-legged dog, champion."
Oh, that's cute.
"Also, you are way better at laundry.
"Can you please do mine and send it back to me?
"Thanks. Love you. Mouse rat rules. Love, Andy."
Less cute.
"P.s. Please hurry.
"I've been wearing a bandana as underwear for three days now."
Look, there's a picture.
Ben: Ah.
That's horrifying.
I love him so much.
Okay. So, do you have the results of the study?
Yes, and they're great.
Your tax on soda would definitely lower diabetes in this town.
And I have a great prop for the meeting.
This is the amount of sugar
that the average Pawnee ten-year-old
consumes from soda every month.
That is gross. It's gross.
All that sugar? It's really gross.
What a powerful image. What are you doing?
What did you put in this sugar? It's so good.
My first act as a city councilwoman?
I have proposed a tax on all those giant sugary sodas
so we can discourage people from drinking them.
I believe with my help all local restaurants can get healthier.
Paunch burger, big 'n' wide, the fat sack,
colonel plump's slop trough.
Which was formerly sue's salads.
Until we ran that out of town.
Ah, councilwoman, in honor of your never-ending quest
to personally babysit each and every American citizen,
I went to paunch burger and got myself a number two.
Double bacon grenade deluxe, hash browns,
chili cheese fries, and one poached egg.
Ugh. "Number two" is right.
I also picked up a 64-ounce sweetums sugarsplash.
Damn it, I love this country so much.
Ron, I'm really glad that you're here.
Our political differences aside,
I am about to go to my first committee meeting
as a city councilwoman.
And there's something I need to say to you. Please don't.
I know you hate feelings and emotions.
But I would not be where I am if it wasn't for you.
You hired me. You've always supported me.
How can I ever repay you?
Ah. Get me a refill.
Ben: Hey, everybody.
So, I've been going over your reports.
Let's try to be consistent with our fonts, guys, okay?
There's a crazy amount
of random font differences in these memos.
Yeah, people. Consistent font usage. Come on.
Times new Roman across the board.
No Geneva. No garamond. Definitely no papyrus.
Papyrus? Are you kidding me?
There's no place for that in a professional office setting.
Yes. Thank you, April.
These college interns really need to be whipped into shape.
But don't worry, because they call me devo, because I can whip 'em good.
And obviously, make sure the content is perfect, too.
Oh. And 12-point.
Thirteen is just obnoxious.
Great meeting.
Out of the way, people! Motivational brigade coming through!
So, you boys are going to go work out together, huh?
Nice.
Whereabouts? Community college.
Yeah, that's too far.
Chris and Tom offered to help me train
to become a police officer.
The physical exam is about three months away,
and I am in terrible shape.
But I can already do this.
So I'm getting there.
So, I've got a list of everything
that I'm supposed to be able to do
to get into the police academy.
And number one is be able to run two miles in under 25 minutes.
That's a typo, right? I mean, that's humanly impossible.
When you are able to focus your mind and your body,
anything is possible.
Anything is possible!
Ms. Pinewood. Recently, many of the local restaurants
have changed their small size option to a whopping 64 ounces.
That's correct. And it's great for the consumer.
More bang for the buck.
Are we putting bargains on trial here?
How could any sane person call that small?
Well, if the customer truly wants a smaller size,
there is an option.
Oh! Do you mean the "little swallow"?
Does anybody buy that?
Some girls buy them for their dollhouses.
But they're not very popular.
I mean, for only a nickel more, you get 64 ounces.
Well, uh, paunch burger just recently came out
with a new 128-ounce option.
Most people call it a gallon.
But they call it the regular.
Then, there is a horrifying 512-ounce version
that they call child size.
How is this a child-size soda?
Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year-old child
if the child were liquefied.
It's a real bargain at $1.59.
I'm sorry, Ms. Pinewood,
but why would anybody need this much soda?
It's not my place to speak for the consumer.
But everyone should buy it.
Chris: Come on, Andy. Come on. You can do it.
Go, go, go.
You can do it, Andy. Dig, dig, dig.
Yes. Oh, my god.
I'm so hot. That was horrible.
I'm going to die. I'm so tired.
Everything hurts. Running is impossible.
What are you doing?
Tom, now is not the time for criticism. How did he do?
Andy finished his two-mile run in 29 minutes and 43 seconds.
Andy: No!
I'm never going to be a cop.
I'm going to have to be a robber.
Oh, come on. Hang in there, pal.
I'm going to drive around.
Andy? I'm proud of you.
Not because of what you did, which was terrible.
But because of what I'm going to be able to get you to do.
I guess I'm proud of me.
Thanks, man. Me, too.
We have so much work to do.
Oh, hey. Ellis, have you put
the campaign pictures up on the website?
Yeah. I started doing them.
And are you going to finish doing them?
Nope. Later, man.
I actually think you look really good,
except for the stick up your butt.
Who do you think drew it? Was it Nathaniel? Ellis?
Man, I feel like these interns do not respect or like me at all.
Honestly, you could loosen up a bit on the font stuff.
And everything. In general.
God, this is insane. They're interns.
They're totally replaceable. And I'm their boss.
I can just fire them.
Uh... hey, Jen. Listen.
I'm having a problem with some of the interns.
I'm thinking of making some changes.
Yeah.
Turns out Ellis is congressman Murray's nephew.
Nathaniel is related to Donald rumsfeld.
Brittany's dad is Ben bernanke's dentist.
Every single one of these little twerps is seriously connected.
So, new plan.
Instead of firing them, I am going to kiss their asses like crazy.
Ms. Knope, this is about consumer rights.
And if they don't want to drink our delicious sodas,
we do provide healthier options, like water zero.
Oh, yes, let's talk about water zero.
The name implies that there are zero calories. Like most water.
But in fact, it has 300 calories per serving.
Isn't that misleading?
The zero on the label
refers to the amount of water in it, which is zero.
If you want zero-calorie water, try diet water zero lite.
It has only 60 calories.
Okay. I think we're done here.
Okay. Thank you so much.
Oh, councilwoman, one more thing.
Ifyour tax bill passes, local restaurants will hurt badly.
We'll have to lay off about 100 people.
You're bluffing. She's bluffing.
Are you bluffing?
The second your tax bill passes,
this press release goes wide.
See you at the meeting.
"Leslie knope soda tax forces massive layoffs."
Oh, my god, Ann. I need some sugar. No. No. No, no, no.
I need some sugar. Stop it. Leslie.
You stop it right now.
Leslie: Okay, let's get started.
I proposed this bill,
but the issue has become very complicated.
So, before I decide how I am going to vote,
I'd love to hear from both sides.
Who would like to start? Yes?
Yeah. I work at colonel plumps,
and word around the slop trough is
they're talking about laying people off.
So, maybe you could get off your high horse and help me keep my job.
All: Yeah.
Well, sir, I may vote against the tax.
Because, fiankw, idonttakejob lossenghfly.
Dee Dee: No, I want the tax.
My husband started drinking those giant sodas
and he's gained 100 pounds in three months.
Consequently, we haven't had sex in 10 years.
I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months.
Well, we have lots of other problems.
Well, ma'am, my original stance was that
implementing this tax would be good for public health.
All taxation is theft.
If the government can tax me, I can do this.
Grover, give that woman her purse back.
There are a lot of pill bottles in here.
Okay.
Tom: Been making some modifications to the pace car.
Speaker system. Mad men bar. iPad dock.
And bam! Orange racing stripe.
It's a perfect recreation of han lue's Nissan
in the fast and the furious: Tokyo drift.
Weirdly, so far, no one has noticed.
I want to find something that really motivates you.
Why do you want to achieve this goal?
I just want to get a good job for me and April.
Yes. Keep going. Dig.
Okay, yeah.
I love April. I think she's awesome.
She's all I care about in the whole world.
Yes. Love and family.
What else is there, really?
Nothing at all.
I exercise because when I was a baby,
I had a rare blood disorder.
And I suppose I need to feel like my body is in tip-top shape.
So it doesn't destroy me, leaving me to die alone.
Great! You got yours, I got mine.
I'm going to go run until I puke. Let's go.
Ben: Guess what's in these boxes, everybody.
What? Pizza.
That's right. Everybody chill out.
Take a pizza break. On me.
Ellis. What's up, my male?
Grab a slice of "za", bro.
All right.
Hey. Dude, you play ultimate?
Yeah, I play intramural at Georgetown.
Dude, so did I in college.
Whoa. You guys should get married.
We should play tomorrow morning in the park.
What about the website?
Whatever. You can put those pics up anytime.
We should lock down some tight disk grabs. Am I right, ell-bones?
Yeah, sounds good.
Yeah? Better than working.
No doubt. No doubt.
All right. Listen up, pizza lovers.
Tomorrow morning, pre-work ultimate in the park.
Everybody's invited. What do you say?
Let's do it to it, my dudes.
Okay. Anyone else?
Yeah. If we put a tax on soda,
I mean, what's next? Income?
Sir, you don't pay your income tax?
Whether or not I pay income tax
is none of the government's business.
No... well... No, actually, it is.
Well, you don't know my name or what I look like,
so good luck finding me.
I think we should tax all bad things.
Like racism, and women's vaginas.
We're not taxing anyone's genitals.
Then, what the hell are we doing here?
Come on, boys.
Okay. Um, let's take a quick straw poll.
Hold up green if you agree and red if you disagree. Ann?
"The soda tax is good and will help people get healthier."
Lesue: That's about half. Ann: Half.
Okay. "The soda tax is bad and unfair to consumers."
Half and half. Thank you so much. This is very confusing.
Man: I've got an idea.
Maybe instead of me losing my job,
you ought to lose your job.
Let's recall Leslie knope.
Let's do this!
Nice catch.
Someone please tell me we "Kodak'd" that moment.
Yeah, rock that scoober.
Wow!
You got it, Howie.
All right, April. What's the score?
A thousand to seven.
Good sportsmanship, bro.
Sorry.
Okay. Andy, repeat after me.
"I run for April." I run for April.
Run for your wife, son.
"I run for love." I run for love.
Players at your marks.
What do you run for again, Chris?
Nobody. Nothing. Does it really even matter?
Get set. Get at me.
Whoa!
Oh, hey. You okay? No.
There's something wrong with my body. Andy: What?
My legs aren't working.
I'm broken.
I need to go to the hospital and see a doctor right away.
Leslie: Hey. Yikes. You look weird.
So do you.
That's a lie. You always look beautiful.
Okay, well, I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
So, at 5:00 in the morning,
iwent to paunch burger for a pick-me-up.
I couldn't decide what kind of soda I wanted,
so I had them put all six in one cup.
Do you know what it tastes like? Disgusting?
Mmm-hmm.
How are you going to vote? I don't know.
If I vote for the tax, then I might lose my job.
And if I vote against it, I might be betraying my own bill.
It's like I'm floating in this giant river of ambiguity.
You know, I'm under a warm waterfall of uncertainty.
Do you just have to pee real bad?
Yes. Yeah.
I've lost all of my instincts.
I'm lost. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm just going to have to wait and when they call my name,
I'll do what my gut tells me to do.
Councilman howser. Aye.
Councilman howser votes aye.
Councilwoman knope, how do you vote?
Gentlemen, it appears that I have fallen ill.
Mayhaps, might I suggest that we have a recess...
Can we take a recess?
Well, your pulse is super-fast,
but that wouldn't be out of line
for someone who drank and then barfed up a gallon of sugar water.
Oh, I'm a mess. Everything's upside-down. You know?
I mean, when I used to just work here,
I was always so sure of myself.
And now, everything is different.
Oh, jeez. You know what?
Do you guys know how to dissolve super glue?
Well, not everything is different, right?
Right.
Ben: Hey, Ellis.
Elbow.
El chupacabra.
Drinking coffee.
What? Oh, it's...
It's from 40 years ago. Never mind.
Hey. That was really fun this morning, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, totally.
Ben: Oh, wow. Look at that.
Did you draw that?
Uh, nope, I didn't.
No, no, no, no, no. It's really good.
I mean you're a... You're a great artist.
I can't do this. Look.
I don't care who you're related to. I'm your boss.
And you can't keep disrespecting me like this.
Hey, man. I didn't draw it.
Your daughter did.
What?
Her.
April's not my daughter. She's my friend.
Does everyone think she's my daughter?
Whatever. The point is she would never do that to me.
Sorry, dad.
Ron. My rock. My steady, guiding light.
Oh, captain, my captain.
Did you get that soda refill I asked for?
I need you, Ron. Okay? I'm in big trouble.
I need to go back to those chambers
in 20 minutes and I have to cast a vote,
and I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm sure you'll figure it out. Ron.
The people at the public forum said they might want to fire me.
So, what? I tried to fire you.
Okay, Ron. Come on. Be serious.
I was not joking.
Here's your personnel file. See for yourself.
"Brilliant work. Commendation. Above and beyond."
Keep reading.
"Request for termination"?
You tried to fire me once?
No, no, no, no. I tried to fire you four times.
What... you... me...
Foun_ fired times?
If you need to boot again, trash can's on your right.
Hey, man. What did the doc say? Everything okay?
The tests and blood work came back,
and the news is terrible.
They found
nothing. Nothing?
Nothing. The silent killer.
Oh, my god. Chris, that means everything is okay.
Why weren't you at practice this morning?
Yeah, you should have been there.
I finally hit my minimum requirement.
Minimum champion!
I'm going to die one day, probably.
Without ever having left my Mark on this silly little planet.
I'm going to die an anonymous,
meaningless speck of dust.
Wow.
It sounds like you're really going through some tough stuff right now.
It's too bad there's not doctors for your mind.
All right, well... hey, I'm going to go run some more laps.
Will you time me? Go.
He's kind of right, Chris.
You were freaking out because you were thinking about
Andy and his family,
and how you don't have one.
Every time something tiny goes wrong, you spiral like crazy.
Maybe you should see a therapist.
I hope I'm not out of line.
You are as in line as a person can be.
You are a genius and an amazing motivator.
What was my time?
I don't know, 43?
Yes! New record.
All my life, I have tried to achieve external goals.
Run a four-minute mile.
Climb mount Everest.
But before I can do that,
I need to climb the mount Everest
of my mind.
I don't understand. Why did you try to get me fired?
The first year you worked here, you drove me nuts.
I would say no to something you wanted to do, and you'd ignore me.
Or go over my head and do it anyway.
You were insubordinate, stubborn, a pain in my ass,
and worst of all, bubbly.
I was a dedicated public servant.
Right. That was the worst thing you were.
The point is I ended up withdrawing all four requests
to have you fired.
Because ultimately, I'd rather work with a person of conviction
than a wishy-washy kiss-ass.
Well, I had conviction because I knew what ibehevedin.
But I don't know with this new job.
I just feel like I've lost my bearings.
No, you haven't.
You may have wandered into unknown terrain, but you're still you.
You know what?
Are you going to pull out some embarrassing
photo of me from high school?
Take this compass.
All great adventurers need one.
Thank you, Ron.
And listen. As far as all this firing stuff goes,
I will not forget, and I will never forgive you.
There she is.
Here's that report you wanted, boss.
It's funny because it has 30 different fonts on it
and you only like one.
Do you like it? Yeah, it's hilarious.
Okay, I'm sorry I drew those pictures of you. I was just messing around.
You may not take this seriously,
but this job is important to me.
And by the way, you should take it seriously
because I asked you to come work here
becauselthought you'd enjoy it
and I think you're smart.
But you have to have some semblance of professionalism.
And I need you to give, like, even a 15% effort.
Twelve percent. Fifteen.
For god's sake, I'm asking for 15% effort.
It's not supposed to be a negotiation.
Fine. I'm sorry.
Fifteen...
City councilwoman knope, how do you vote?
Aye. Strongly in favor.
The soda tax measure passes, three to two.
Leslie: Yes, I am very pleased with my vote
because I voted my conscience.
And by the way, she's totally bluffing about laying people off.
You watch.
Anyway, I may have made some enemies today,
but that is part of the job.
And who knows, maybe in the future,
my enemies will become my friends.
Stranger things have happened.
Let's keep it down out there.
Yeah. I love cupcakes.
Ellis hates you and he has herpes.
Hey, what's your problem?
My problem is you, smellis.
Ben told you to finish the website.
And if you don't do it, I swear to god,
I'm going to murder you in your sleep.
I know where you live. Fourteenth street, right?
I'm going to get a melon baller
and scoop your eyes out and eat them
and your congressman uncle is going to have to buy you a dog
to drag your eyeless face around.
Do you understand me? Yes.
Do it. Okay.