1 00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:04,647 Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash were you alone in your car? 2 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:05,923 Tom: Yes. 3 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,525 Your honor, this was an accident, plain and simple. 4 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,068 I don't want to put words in your mouth, 5 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:10,594 but "case dismissed." 6 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,317 And you were texting at the time, correct? 7 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,640 How dare you, sir? I was tweeting. 8 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:17,226 Please, read exhibit c, the transcript of your Twitter page 9 00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:18,995 leading up to and immediately following your crash. 10 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,773 "9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed." 11 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:28,028 "9:17. Drive faster, blue civic. Damn. #soccer moms." 12 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:31,323 "9:18. Gotta pass this lady on the ejkerkj..." 13 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,075 That's when I hit the fire hydrant. 14 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:36,161 Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant. 15 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:39,122 "9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. 16 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:43,085 "#unbreakable. #what's Mr. Glass up to these days? 17 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,128 "#why no sequel?" 18 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,047 Prosecution rests, your honor. 19 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:50,717 Mr. Haverford, you have a problem keeping your eyes on the road 20 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:52,344 and off your electronic devices. 21 00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:55,305 I'm going to tailor a punishment to fit the crime. 22 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:57,266 One week without screens. 23 00:00:57,349 --> 00:01:00,644 No phone, tablets, computers, television, anything. 24 00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:02,312 No! Please, send me to jail! 25 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:04,773 Any slip-ups, and that week becomes a month. 26 00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:06,066 Turn in your phone, please. 27 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:08,193 Fine. One last tweet? Bailiff! 28 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,863 Press "send," bailiff! Press "send"! 29 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:33,552 Howdy. 30 00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:35,095 Hey! What's with the get-up? 31 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:36,948 I just got back from that dude ranch with Ricky. 32 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:38,974 It was really fun. He bought this for me as a gift. 33 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,393 A cowboy hat from your cowboy friend. 34 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:42,787 That makes it sound like he's a cow. 35 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,313 From your cowboy boyfriend. 36 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:45,397 Your boy cow cowboy. 37 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,107 Just call him "Ricky." Okay, great. 38 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:49,276 Okay, everyone. 39 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,862 Great news, lots of old people have chlamydia. 40 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:52,946 Whoo! 41 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,574 Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands, 42 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,451 and what they're doing with that time 43 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:59,578 is going at it hard, old people-style. 44 00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:01,747 A lot of them haven't had proper sex education, 45 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:04,750 and as a result, stds are having a field day. 46 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:07,377 It's amazing what a few old guys can do 47 00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,921 with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs. 48 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:13,759 Okay, sex avengers, these old fogies are very set in their ways. 49 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,719 They're hopped up on e.D. Medication 50 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,346 and they got nothing to lose, 51 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:18,639 'causetheyte close to death. 52 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:21,099 Also, seniors can be pretty ornery. 53 00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,435 Actually, I think it's pronounced "horny." 54 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:26,146 I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people, 55 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:28,523 and we can ask Ann our grossest, 56 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:30,400 most perverted sex questions. 57 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:31,568 I'll start. 58 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,963 I'm an old lady, why do I need birth control? 59 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:37,032 I haven't had my monthly since I.B.J. Was president. 60 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:40,243 Well, with the elderly, we are not so concerned with pregnancy. 61 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,120 We're more concerned with disease. 62 00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:44,456 Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get? 63 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:45,624 I don't think so, no. 64 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,043 Because that's happening to me. What should I do? 65 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,462 Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat? 66 00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:53,006 I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter. 67 00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,591 I think you're good to go, nursey. 68 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,718 I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo! 69 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:58,553 You should never eat lube, 70 00:02:58,637 --> 00:02:59,947 you need to see a doctor immediately, 71 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:01,366 and I'm sorry, su, butyou have to be 72 00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:03,684 under40to ride this train. 73 00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:06,186 Oh! That's how you do it, kids. Andy: Nice. 74 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,940 Leron James. We still on for breakfast? 75 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,192 You are an hour and a half late for work. 76 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:15,529 Yeah. Sorry. I can't use my GPS, but I figured it out. 77 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:18,156 I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar. 78 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,825 You live three miles from here. 79 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:23,453 Three-point-four according to my GPS, which I used to use every day. 80 00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,955 I can't use screens for a week. 81 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,957 Big deal! I'm adapting. 82 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,626 I built a real-life pinterest board. 83 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,507 I really wish you could click those. 84 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,051 Wow, there he is, Barack Obama. 85 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,720 His name is congressman David Murray, 86 00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:42,139 he is our boss and he is white. 87 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,348 Don't embarrass me. 88 00:03:43,432 --> 00:03:44,808 Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt, 89 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,727 coordinating director of DC. Operations. 90 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:48,854 And I am April blart, mall cop. 91 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,189 Great! It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Ben. 92 00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:52,899 Heard such great things. 93 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,460 Oh, well, I really feel like I know you already. 94 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,528 I've watched all ofyourspeeches and debates. 95 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,863 It's very inspiring. 96 00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,156 Thank you, Ben. 97 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,450 And thank you all for your hard work. 98 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:04,327 Now, stay cool. It's a hot one out there today. 99 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:05,763 That's right, you could practically 100 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,330 cook an egg on the sidewalk. 101 00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,915 Terrific. 102 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:12,961 Okay, let's make sure we're ready 103 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,379 for the strategy session tomorrow. 104 00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:15,505 Okay. Okay? 105 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,389 Hey, we're still gonna assassinate him, right? 106 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:19,843 Ben! Dontsaythat 107 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,767 What the hell is he doing? 108 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,521 Leslie: Hello, can everyone hear me okay? 109 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:32,773 All: No. 110 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,733 Okay, great. I'm councilwoman Leslie knope, 111 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:37,235 and today we are here to talk about safe sex. 112 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,279 I know this is a personal question, 113 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,573 but how many of you out there are sexually active? 114 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,241 Oh, my. 115 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,952 I have two partners, often at the same time. 116 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:47,370 Wow. Thank you. 117 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:51,583 Does anyone know what we risk when we have unprotected sex? 118 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:53,186 Man 1: Heart attack. Woman 1: Falling in love. 119 00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,212 Partner dies on top of you! 120 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:58,423 Yes, but the truth is, the greatest risk you face 121 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,383 is sexually transmitted diseases. 122 00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:02,803 Are these old people really having sex with each other? 123 00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:04,280 Donna: Yeah, what'd you think they were doing? 124 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,057 I don't know, I thought we were just talking about it. 125 00:05:07,390 --> 00:05:09,768 Oh. 126 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:14,189 And the best way to prevent them is to use protection. 127 00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:15,583 Man 2: Well, that's all fine and good, 128 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,568 but what if the banana is soft and mushy, 129 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,529 and doglegs sharply to the left? 130 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:21,905 Leslie: Oh... 131 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,621 Oh, my god, Jerry, when you check your email, 132 00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:32,541 you go to altavista and type "please go to yahoo. Com"? 133 00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:33,684 Well, how else would I do it? 134 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:35,102 You don't have your email bookmarked? 135 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:36,294 Do you have any bookmarks? 136 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:37,712 What's bookmarks? 137 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:40,423 God, Jerry! You don't deserve the Internet! 138 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,591 I'm going crazy, Ron! 139 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,093 Life without screens is pointless. 140 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,636 I made an iPhone out of paper. 141 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,471 It's not the same, though. 142 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,476 This is the work of a lunatic. 143 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,478 You need to detox. 144 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,856 Tomorrow, we'll go to my cabin in the woods. 145 00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,691 It's so far away from civilization, 146 00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,569 the electric company is not even aware there's a structure there. 147 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,362 Thanks, Ron. 148 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,322 And hey, can you give me a ride after work? 149 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,283 There's no chance I can find my way home. 150 00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:11,204 If you encounter this scenario, 151 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,707 simply execute the following maneuver. 152 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:16,334 Chris: And stop! 153 00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,086 Greatjob, and very informative, 154 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,588 but we need to stop now forever 155 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:20,898 and pretend like this never happened. 156 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:21,923 Why? What's happening? 157 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:25,844 Oh, boy. 158 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:29,514 Marcia and Marshall langman are the town's morality watchdogs. 159 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:32,893 Marcia is motivated, calculating and hyper-vigilant, 160 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:35,061 and her husband, Marshall, 161 00:06:36,104 --> 00:06:37,230 is vivacious. 162 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:41,026 This, that's happening here, is not allowed! 163 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:44,404 We at the society for family stability foundafion 164 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:47,073 object to this smut being taught. 165 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:51,411 It's against Pawnee's abstinence-only sex education law. 166 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,621 That's only for schools. 167 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,788 Chris: Actually, it's not. 168 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,583 The way the bill is drafted prohibits any government employee 169 00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:59,419 from teaching anything but abstinence, city-wide. 170 00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,421 Thank you, Chris. You're welcome. 171 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:04,257 If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors, 172 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,152 the next thing you know, it'll be in our high schools, 173 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,820 then our kindergartens, and before you know it, 174 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,346 we have babies in thong underwear. 175 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,430 Is that what you want? 176 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:11,890 Yes, that's what I want. 177 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:14,559 Ladies and gentlemen, this vulgar sex show is over. 178 00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:15,727 Please forget everything 179 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,079 this horrible woman has told you. 180 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,774 It is not over. It is far from over. 181 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:24,569 Andy, pack up ourbananas! 182 00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:33,203 This is a great idea. Fresh air, no screens. 183 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,830 I'm getting really good at chopping wood, too. 184 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:37,707 You're a regular Paul bunyan. 185 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,542 Ow! I got stung by the wood! 186 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,961 Oh, no, it's a splinter. 187 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,295 I need to get on webmd now! 188 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,881 I need an iPhone or a Samsung galaxy, something with 4g. 189 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,633 There's no time for the edge network. 190 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,468 What are you doing? 191 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,636 Got it. 192 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,239 I still think we should find a computer 193 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,349 and Google "sterilization techniques." 194 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:55,642 Yeah, I have a new idea. 195 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,436 You need to purge all of this garbage from your system. 196 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,689 Talk about all the things you do on those screens, 197 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,483 and let the words just float away into the fresh air, 198 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,776 and then we will be done. 199 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:06,152 Okay, worth a shot. 200 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,862 Every day I start by hitting up 201 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,281 Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, and Instagram. 202 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,242 Sometimes I like to throw in linkedln, 203 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,285 for the professional shawtys. 204 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:16,162 See? That was easy. 205 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,664 Then I like to go on Reddit. 206 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:20,227 Reddit's great, 'cause it has all the important links you need. 207 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,129 Yeah. New shirt? 208 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,506 I got it at the dude ranch with my boyfriend. 209 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:27,590 You like it? 210 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:28,925 It's not my favorite shirt, 211 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,011 but it is my least favorite shirt. 212 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:37,142 Perd, we strongly believe in teaching and practicing abstinence. 213 00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:40,228 We all have some crazy urges from time to time, 214 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,855 but you just can't act on them. 215 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:44,858 You have to Bury them way down deep inside. 216 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,652 You have to say, "get out of here, you crazy urges! 217 00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:49,422 "You are not welcome in this brain of mine!" 218 00:08:49,446 --> 00:08:52,574 There are some statistics that I 'd like to share with you now, 219 00:08:52,657 --> 00:08:54,242 and they are numbers. 220 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:59,080 Some 85% of Pawnee residents support abstinence-only education. 221 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,374 And the other 15% are perverts. 222 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,084 J. K., you guys. 223 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,962 And 100% of pawneeans are "perd-verts." 224 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,506 That's the name I call fans of this show 225 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:11,176 based on the fact that my name is perd, 226 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,136 we'll see you after the break, perd-verts. 227 00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:15,865 Look, we need an emergency task force meeting. 228 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:16,890 What do we do? 229 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,391 Objective studies have shown 230 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,602 that abstinence-only education doesn't work. 231 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:21,895 People still have sex. 232 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,458 They don't know how to use protection, 233 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,023 so the disease keeps spreading. 234 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:26,900 We need to give people practical knowledge. 235 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,152 Ann Perkins, your expertise is thrilling, 236 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,904 and frankly, almost arousing, 237 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,239 but the law is the law. 238 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,866 Well, you're on city council now. 239 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:35,950 Change the law. 240 00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,219 Leslie: The people support this. 241 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,537 I couldn't fight those numbers even if I wanted to. 242 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,122 It's political suicide. 243 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,017 So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? 244 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:44,834 Great plan. There's no other option, Ann. 245 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,238 Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time. 246 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,380 I did eat all the bananas, 247 00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:51,966 so you can't play with those. 248 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,653 Hey, nice work on the jobs research. 249 00:09:54,677 --> 00:09:56,429 Shh. Look. 250 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,201 What am I looking at? He's not doing anything. 251 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:01,226 That's the point. 252 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,520 This morning he got in, sat down in there, 253 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,731 and has been staring straight ahead, doing nothing. 254 00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:08,942 He's a robot. He's not a robot. 255 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,861 He's just thinking. He's got a lot on his mind. 256 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:15,281 Yeah, like, "one, one, zero, one. Must eat babies for fuel." 257 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,742 Why would a robot need to consume organic matter? 258 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,161 Sorry. 259 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,543 You know what, they probably put a TV in there, 260 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:26,042 and he's watching old speeches to bone up or something. 261 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,252 Let's go see. 262 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,462 Congressman, 263 00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:30,755 here is the briefing packet 264 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,382 for our strategy meeting later. 265 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,842 Excellent, thank you. 266 00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,363 Anything else I can do for you? 267 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:40,265 No, sir. All systems are operational. 268 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:43,059 Great. Stay cool. Hot one out there today. 269 00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:45,645 Thank you, congressman. 270 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,570 Wikipedia, mankind's greatest invention, 271 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:54,863 you can learn about anything. 272 00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,364 Take ray j, for example. 273 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,616 We all know he's a singer, he's Brandy's brother, 274 00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:01,161 and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian, 275 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,539 but did you also know he's snoop dogg's cousin 276 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,667 and he was in the '96 Tim Burton movie Mars attacks? 277 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,752 Suddenly, you're on the Mars attacks page. 278 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,505 I love gchat. You can talk to anybody. 279 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:15,300 I hit up Brad.Pitt. It wasn't the actor. 280 00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:16,718 It's actually a guy named Brad 281 00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:18,887 that's a teacher in Pittsburgh. 282 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,284 We don't have a lot in common, butwe chat quite a bit. 283 00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:25,768 Emoji are little cartoons you text instead of words. 284 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,163 Instead of saying, "what up, boo?" 285 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,165 You can type "what up," and then a cute, little ghost, 286 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,231 'cause that means "boo." 287 00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:31,375 There's even a little Indian guy, 288 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,735 but he has a turban on, which I think is racist, 289 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,112 but the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, 290 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,591 and it's like, "hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?" 291 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,533 Podcasts. There are a million of 'em, 292 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,160 and they're all amazing. 293 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,620 Jean-ralphio and I have one called 294 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,205 "nacho average podcast," 295 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,724 where we rate different kinds of nachos. 296 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,499 It seems like... Okay, that's enough! 297 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:49,626 No more talking. 298 00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,395 But you told me to get it all out of my system. 299 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:53,421 I had no idea how much you had in your system. 300 00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,131 This is a real problem, Tom. 301 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:58,301 You are an addict and you need to change. 302 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:02,722 I've downloaded every episode of intervention. 303 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,349 I know what to do here. 304 00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:08,269 You're right. I am an addict. 305 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:11,606 I've hurt all my friends and family with my addiction. 306 00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,983 I will accept this gift of rehabilitation. 307 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,276 I'm proud of you, 308 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,737 but also a bit fearful that we're verging on 309 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,114 what I call "feelings territory," 310 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:22,617 so let's stare at the fire in silence. 311 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,702 I've had a breakthrough, Ron. 312 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,537 What do you say you chop up some more wood, 313 00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:29,207 and I'll take your car and go grab us some victory steaks? 314 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,670 Perfect. 315 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,964 I'm so glad you've come to your senses. 316 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,840 Here's our educafional pamphlet. 317 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,968 I recommend you start reading at chapter three. 318 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,177 Leslie: "Chapter three. 319 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,239 "There's a party in your pants and no one is invited." 320 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,181 This is crazy. I mean, obviously, 321 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,492 the best way to prevent disease 322 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,017 is to magically stop all sex, 323 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:49,161 but that's not gonna happen. 324 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:52,188 Well, maybe not where you come from in "tramp-sylvania." 325 00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,815 Good one, honey! 326 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,193 I'm from Michigan! 327 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,779 That wasn't worth saying. Why are you doing this? 328 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,258 You're gonna get up there and say a bunch of stuff you don't believe? 329 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,366 Well, it's the law. 330 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,076 I get that. I just... 331 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:06,703 You're not acting like yourself. 332 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,539 Really? You want to go there? 333 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,541 Go where? You know where we're going. 334 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,001 No, I have no idea, honestly. 335 00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,186 Okay, I guess we're going there. 336 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,211 Are we leaving? 337 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,355 You want me to act like myself? 338 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,439 You're dressed like a cowboy! 339 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,216 So? It's fun, and I like it. 340 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,635 When you dated Andy, you dressed in flannels. 341 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,804 When you dated Chris, you dressed in spandex. 342 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,557 Ann, please do not lecture me about acting like myself. 343 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:32,186 You're dressed like an abstinence girl on the outside! 344 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:34,289 God, I'm off my comeback game right now. 345 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,958 You know what? I don't care, do whatever you want. 346 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,692 Okay. 347 00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:39,235 Girl, you look like Annie oakley 348 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,196 and pippi longstocking had a baby and I love it. 349 00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,117 A deerjumped in front of the car, 350 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,619 and then a bear jumped in front of the deer! 351 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,164 "Tommy edamame is back on the grid. 352 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,458 "Tell everyone to light me up with their 'dijjies'. 353 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,168 "Got to load them into my burner." 354 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,795 Yes, iwent to best buy and bought a phone. 355 00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,672 Out of the car, now. 356 00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,966 Where are we going, Ron? 357 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,970 Are we walking to best buy to get a better phone? 358 00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,597 I'm Marshall langman and I'm here to say 359 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,099 that sex before marriage is never the way 360 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,602 I waited till marriage and then some to do it 361 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,187 if you decide to sin you'll rue it 362 00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:15,313 word. 363 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,442 Thank you very much, Marshall. 364 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,277 Hello, my aged friends. 365 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,905 Some of you might remember that I was here before. 366 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,031 I don't remember that. 367 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,199 Well, I was. 368 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,242 But I have a new message for you. 369 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:33,122 The best way to be safe is to simply postpone sex 370 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,707 until marriage. 371 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,709 I am not going to be told not to have sex 372 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,504 by someone who's 10 years myjunior. 373 00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:40,880 Amen, Gladys. You're right! 374 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,633 Not about the age thing, about the other thing. 375 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,510 Perhaps you might understand it better 376 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,428 if I read to you from this pamphlet, 377 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,347 "so you think you know more than god. 378 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,057 "Our bodies are god's gift, 379 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:53,184 "but they're also the devil's playground. 380 00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:57,438 "The devil likes to hide in all your private nooks and crannies, 381 00:14:57,522 --> 00:15:01,401 "and if you open too wide, he might get out, or in." What... 382 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:04,570 Can we see the condom demonstration again? 383 00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:07,615 'Cause I don't know where Lou has been. 384 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:12,537 Well, I wish I could, but I... 385 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:19,168 Screwit. Okay, here. This is a penis, right? 386 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,021 You put a condom on it, and you pull the tip like this, 387 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,381 and you roll it all the way down the penis. 388 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,858 Tell you what, condoms for everybody! 389 00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:26,134 Who wants some? 390 00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,736 Safe sex for everybody! 391 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,803 This is... 392 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:30,304 Hey, who wants to party? 393 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,351 It's a censure from the mayor's office. It's so official. 394 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:37,103 I mean, look at the paper quality. 395 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:38,646 This is no joke. 396 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,690 I know I'm supposed to help educate the public, 397 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,693 but I also have an obligation to uphold the laws. 398 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,194 You're my boss. What's my move here? 399 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,029 Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now. 400 00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:49,449 That's right. Why am I still weirdly scared of you? 401 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,868 I'm very confident and I make a lot of eye contact. 402 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:52,952 Hmm. 403 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:57,331 As your city manager, I recommend that you formally apologize 404 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:01,002 and that, in the future, you stick to the letter of the law. 405 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,855 But between you and me, as your best friend... 406 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:05,965 What... I kind of admire what you did up there. 407 00:16:06,048 --> 00:16:08,551 Made me happy that I voted for you as my city councilmember. 408 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,221 Okay, this is great, just make sure 409 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,991 that you don't go too tight on him, all right? 410 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,808 Hey, can I ask you a question? 411 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,852 What's the deal with the congressman? 412 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,646 Seriously, like, he seems a little robotic... 413 00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:21,731 Or something? 414 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,608 Yeah, yeah, he's great, yeah. 415 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:24,877 He turns it on when he has to, 416 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,611 and when he doesn't, he just sits there. 417 00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:28,738 There's no surprises, it's perfect. 418 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,324 Oh, congressman, can you just sit in the chair 419 00:16:31,407 --> 00:16:33,326 to test the satellite feed? 420 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,785 Okey-dokey. 421 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:36,787 Just run through some of your stump speech. 422 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:40,041 We've gone through some difficult times, 423 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,668 but we're from Ohio. We're tough. 424 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:47,715 We won'tjust survive these dark times, we will thrive! 425 00:16:47,924 --> 00:16:49,884 That's great. Good. 426 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,010 Cool beans. 427 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,804 See you guys later. 428 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,768 God, I love him. He's the best. 429 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,855 I'm sorry I crashed your car. 430 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,024 Please forgive me, Ron. Please, Ron? 431 00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,317 Please? 432 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:09,245 What are you doing? Are you going to kill me? 433 00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:12,573 Why do you need to be constantly distracted, Tom? 434 00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:18,037 The truth is I spend a lot of time looking at screens 435 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,831 because recently a lot of the stuff in my real life 436 00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,458 isn't going that great. 437 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,503 So I'd rather play doodle jump than think about that. 438 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:28,548 Okay? I'm sorry, I really am. 439 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,092 Go sit in your office 440 00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:33,803 while I consider whether to turn you in to the judge. 441 00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:37,515 And while you're there, neither doodle norjump. 442 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:45,940 Hey. I just wanted to come lend my support. 443 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,709 What are you going to say out there? I don't know. 444 00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,569 I got censured, it's a big deal. 445 00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:53,906 Well, if you ask me, you were elected to lead and not to follow. 446 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,242 Which is probably what I should've said 447 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:57,577 instead of what I did say. 448 00:17:57,660 --> 00:17:59,245 I feel terrible about what I said, too. 449 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,788 No, you were right. 450 00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:02,957 I know, but I still feel terrible. 451 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,542 I'm sorry, continue. 452 00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:06,502 I kind of lost myself in this relationship. 453 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,796 Iboughtalasso onhne, leshe. 454 00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:09,922 Yikes. 455 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,258 I turned all myjeans into Daisy Dukes. 456 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,427 My personality kinda gets swept up 457 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,638 in whatever guy I'm dating, and I want to change that. 458 00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,140 I broke it off with Ricky. 459 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,617 Well, that's good, but I'll tell you, 460 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,102 he1lnever lasso another heifer 461 00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,062 as fine as you, Annie oakley. 462 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:30,109 The story of that commercial break is it's over. 463 00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,570 Leslie, what exactly does "censure" mean? 464 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:36,073 It means that I have been formally disciplined for breaking the law. 465 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,618 Well, you know what they say, "you break it, you buy it." 466 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:41,287 Thatdoesnt really apply here. 467 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,331 Tell that to the folks at pier 1, 468 00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:46,626 an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside. 469 00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,252 Perd, I'd like to apologize. 470 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:49,462 Thank you. 471 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:52,340 Apologize for the antiquated laws in this city. 472 00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:55,051 States that teach abstinence-only 473 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,637 have the highest rates of teen pregnancy and stds. 474 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,722 To continue this policy is insane. 475 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,975 Look, we all want the same thing, right? 476 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:06,103 We want fewer unwanted pregnancies and fewer stds. 477 00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:08,481 Why don't we use every weapon that we have? 478 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,816 I know that most of you don't agree with me on this, 479 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:14,028 but I'm going to fight very hard to change your minds, 480 00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,656 and until then, I will take this censure, 481 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:20,660 and I will wear it proudly, like a badge of honor. 482 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,203 Wow, strong words from a woman 483 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,914 who is trying to pin a piece of paper to her blazer. 484 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:28,334 Next up on the program, we hear from you, our fans, 485 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:31,462 in our new segment, "are you there, perd-verts?" 486 00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:34,674 It's me, perd, hosting a new segment. 487 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:38,177 I'm so bored. 488 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,470 I have something for you, son. 489 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:41,472 My iPhone? 490 00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:43,516 I am giving you a non-electronic book 491 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:44,639 made of paper from a tree. 492 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:48,104 It is called auto repair manual: 1982. 493 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:51,023 You will read this book from cover to cover, 494 00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:54,318 then you will assist me in repairing the damage to my car. 495 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,320 I will not report you to the judge, 496 00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:58,906 but if you slip up again, you will have much more to fear 497 00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:01,409 than some feeble government employee in a robe. 498 00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:02,868 Thanks. Two more things. 499 00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:05,705 When you do get your phone back, you will not stare at it 500 00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:07,548 when you're talking with another human being. 501 00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:09,667 Look a man in the eye when you speak with him. 502 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,544 And second, if you ever need 503 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,921 to discuss your problems with someone, 504 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,883 find Leslie, she lives for that crap. 505 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,468 Get to work. 506 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,556 They're killing me in the press. 507 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:26,350 The Pawnee sun is calling me "loose-ly grope." 508 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:27,874 But you know what? I don't even care. 509 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,121 I'm gonna kick all their asses! 510 00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:30,438 I am so fired up! 511 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:32,732 I'm gonna go right now and drink, like, 1,000 red bulls 512 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:35,401 so I can draft a new bill to undo abstinence-only. 513 00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:39,321 Man, you are just a machine. Get stuff done. 514 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:41,133 Hey, why don't you send it to me when you have a draft? 515 00:20:41,157 --> 00:20:42,700 I'll try to help. You're the greatest. 516 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,219 But you're gonna have to take out a lot of cursing, 517 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,637 'cause like I said, I am very fired up. 518 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,748 Well, you go get 'em. I love you. 519 00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:51,041 I love you, too. What are you wearing? 520 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:52,752 I can't do that right now. 521 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,672 Yo, you ready to go? 522 00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:58,716 Why, yes, I am, April! 523 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,342 Let's go now! 524 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:01,761 What's wrong with you? 525 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,721 Wonderful! 526 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,347 Hey, be careful out there. 527 00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,391 Traffic is nuts on the streets and roads. 528 00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:09,935 Oh, no! They got you! 529 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,272 Terrific! Hey, I'm hungry. 530 00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:16,025 Let's go eat some batteries... I mean, human food. 531 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,318 Hey, uh, batteries... 532 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:20,446 I mean, human food sounds good to me. Wonderful. 533 00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:24,116 Let's go.