1 00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:03,921 Hey. Hey. 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,484 Am I interrupting something important? 3 00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:07,758 Impossible. I work for the government. 4 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,177 I just picked up the girls. Thought we'd stop by. 5 00:00:10,552 --> 00:00:11,553 How are the girls... 6 00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:12,971 Both: Hi! 7 00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:15,140 Yes, they are. Hello, girls. 8 00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:18,268 Ron: Diane and I have been seeing a lot of each other, recently. 9 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:22,981 She is a sharp, confident, strong woman. Her children are loud. 10 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,692 Kung fu! 11 00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:28,529 Here comes trouble! 12 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:33,742 This is fun. 13 00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:34,868 Easy, girls. 14 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,203 We'll be careful, miss Lewis. 15 00:00:37,913 --> 00:00:39,873 I'm sorry. I got it. 16 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:42,435 We just wanted to invite you to come trick or treating tonight. 17 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:43,669 I think I'm a little old. 18 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:45,254 Can we go, Ron, please? 19 00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:47,130 Andy: Please? You can come, sure. 20 00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,696 But we have to go by 7:00 or else the good candy will be gone. 21 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:50,968 Sounds perfect. 22 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:53,679 Come on, girls. 23 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,556 Girls: Bye, Ron! 24 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:56,723 See you later, Ron! 25 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,642 See you tonight! 26 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:02,229 What the hell justhappened? 27 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,838 So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard. 28 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,923 But no trampoline room, correct? 29 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:33,844 Correct. Like all houses in the world, there's no trampoline room. 30 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:34,970 Mmm. 31 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:40,017 Ben is coming back from DC. In 10 days and we are moving into a house together. 32 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:43,729 He would move into my place, but it's a scary nightmare hoarder nest. 33 00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,647 His words. And Ann's. 34 00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,692 And the official report filed by the health department. 35 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,319 You guys need three bedrooms? 36 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,987 Well, the master is for us, 37 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,156 and then the second bedroom is our office, 38 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,761 where we will sit at a two-person desk 39 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:58,577 and write devastating op-ed pieces about social ills. 40 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:00,203 That's a fun room. I know. 41 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,581 And what about the third? That's the Oprah suite. 42 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,350 That's where Oprah stays when she's in town. 43 00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:05,893 But other guests can stay there, right? 44 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:07,794 I don't know. That's Oprah's call. 45 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,607 I'm just so excited that Ben and I are gonna be starting our lives here. 46 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,591 It feels like my future's finally back on track. 47 00:02:13,925 --> 00:02:16,762 Martha, I wanna lease this house. 48 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:18,096 Great. 49 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:20,742 Thought it was gonna be more dramatic than that. 50 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:21,767 Hold on. 51 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,226 Okay, say it again. 52 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:25,937 Martha, I wanna lease this house. 53 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,693 Whoo! 54 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:39,534 Parks department! Chris traeger, city manager, friend, 55 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:43,830 aspiring life coach and recipient of Dr. Richard nygard's award 56 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:47,000 for most improved patient for my psychotherapy sessions. 57 00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:48,669 Wow, that's great, Chris. 58 00:02:48,752 --> 00:02:50,170 Congrats. Thanks, Jerry. 59 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,005 It's just a piece of paper, 60 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:55,133 and he only made it for me after I specifically asked for it 61 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:56,718 while crying loudly, but... 62 00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,930 It sure meant a lot to receive it. 63 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:01,848 In honor of Halloween, 64 00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:03,975 the city manager's office will be throwing 65 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,499 a scary movie night in the courtyard. 66 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:08,897 Tonight's film is the 1986 horror camp classic, 67 00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,857 death canoe 4: Murder at blood lake. 68 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:14,194 Seriously? That's the best one! 69 00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,613 I hope no one minds if I live-tweet this bitch. 70 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,116 I am coming dressed as my greatest fear, 71 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,993 because Dr. Richard nygard feels that I should face my fears 72 00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:23,286 instead of running from them. 73 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:25,122 He's very wise. I see him five times a week. 74 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,739 He holds my life in his hand like a fragile little bird. 75 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:31,712 See you tonight! 76 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,382 Ben: Well, congressman Murray has an 18-point lead. 77 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:38,635 Calloway is out of money and has stopped campaigning. 78 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,262 So, congratulations! 79 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,683 Yeah. Great work, all of you! 80 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:45,809 Especially me! 81 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:48,478 Especially everyone. This was a team effort, really. 82 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,147 But I was the best. Thank you. 83 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,273 You were all fantastic. 84 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:55,360 Most of all me, April ludgate, the real hero. Thank you and you're welcome. 85 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:58,071 Actually, April, if you want, you can head back to Pawnee early. 86 00:03:58,155 --> 00:03:59,698 Wrap a few things up and... great. 87 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,908 Jennifer: Whoo! That's an exit. 88 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:03,660 Gone, but never forgotten. 89 00:04:03,869 --> 00:04:05,245 Who was that? I'm just kidding. 90 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,414 Well, everybody, great job! Once again. 91 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,040 Yes! Everybody! 92 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,292 All of you! 93 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:12,711 Can I talk to you for a sec? 94 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:17,233 Not bad, right? You know, I have to say, Murray really came through... 95 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,843 Yeah, yeah, this one's over. We won. Greatjob. Blah, blah, blah. 96 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,774 Let's talk about what you're gonna do next. 97 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:26,057 Well, I was gonna get a chicken parm and watch blade runner. 98 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:30,562 Oh. Are you talking about, like, job-wise? 99 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:34,691 Yes, Ben, I am talking about, like, job-wise. 100 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:37,944 So you're a Princess, too, hey? 101 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:41,031 Oh. For the last four years, everything has been princesses. 102 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,992 Every book, every movie, every backpack. 103 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,244 All princesses all the time. 104 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,288 That sounds fun. It's a nightmare. 105 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:50,791 Excuse me, I just have to file a quick report. 106 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,210 I'm applying to the police academy soon, 107 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,922 and the manual says I have to work on my observation skills so... 108 00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:03,637 Tree, leaves, night, sky, hand. Andy's hand. 109 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:05,972 What else you got? 110 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:11,686 7:22 pm. I got nobody answering the door at 143 cedar crest drive. 111 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:15,732 Door's cold. Possible scenarios. 112 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,734 Grand larceny. Somebody stole the heater. 113 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:19,277 I think no one's home. 114 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,721 Why don't you leave the observing to the professionals, Ron? 115 00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,283 Didn't see that. 116 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:28,078 Oh, no. Vice principal emergency. 117 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,121 What is it? Ihavetoleave. 118 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:33,250 Some idiot kids were caught pooping on the soccer field? 119 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,503 Oh! Too bad. Guess trick or treating's over. 120 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,755 Both: No, mommy, no! I'm sorry. 121 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,526 No, we can walk them around, it's no problem. I mean, we just got started. 122 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,343 Oh, that's so sweet of you. 123 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:47,806 Now, ladies, Princess mommy has to go take care of some bad guys, 124 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,559 so you be nice to Ron and Andy, okay? 125 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:55,105 Okay, let's go to the next house. 126 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,690 I need to go to the bathroom. 127 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,902 I have no idea what to do about that. 128 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,655 Donna: Uh-oh. 129 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:05,657 It's the death canoe. 130 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:07,742 Get your foot out the water, dumb-ass! 131 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,411 It's blood lake. 132 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,705 Now, I missed the first three death canoe films. 133 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:13,790 Why exactly is it a death canoe? 134 00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:14,958 Does it tip over easily? 135 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:16,167 Read my Twitter feed. 136 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,670 I live-tweeted the first three this morning in preparation. 137 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,756 In the fifth one, the canoe's actually the hero. 138 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,925 It's a crazy twist. 139 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,552 Okay. Watch this. Watch this. 140 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,474 "Hashtag, hilarious!" 141 00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:33,727 Holy... god! Boo! 142 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,270 Come on, man. 143 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:39,190 What are you supposed to be, a ghost? Where are your holes for your eyes? 144 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:43,111 This sheet is 1,200 thread count Egyptian cotton. I'm not poking holes in it. 145 00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:47,157 So, basically, you'rejust going as a pile of laundry? Sweet costume. 146 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:51,494 I usually do it up big on Halloween, but I'm having a bit of a cash-flow issue. 147 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:55,916 It's okay though. My next big business idea is always right around the corner. 148 00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:57,959 Corner snaps. 149 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,922 That's not an idea. That's just two random words. 150 00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:03,757 Hey. Hey. 151 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,442 You're the... The lady and you're the... 152 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,010 Usa! Cool. Great. 153 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,637 So hold on, what does this mean? 154 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,848 It means Jen wants me to keep working for her. 155 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:15,977 There's a businessman in Florida who wants to run for governor. 156 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,771 Florida? They have sharks in Florida. 157 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,522 And swamps. And swamp sharks. 158 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:20,607 Do you mean alligators? 159 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,442 Maybe. Look, so are you gonna do it? 160 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,754 I mean, I just applied for a lease. We were supposed to... 161 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:28,907 I know, and I know this makes the future a little murky, 162 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,910 but right now everything's really preliminary, okay? 163 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,703 We 'ii know more in a week or so. 164 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,747 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! 165 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:39,250 7:34 pm. Man dressed as a nerd. 166 00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,461 Female dressed as crazy witch. 167 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:43,755 Neither of us is in costume. 168 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,633 Case closed. Candy, please. 169 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:49,761 Ron, Zoe broke my tiara! 170 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:53,390 We both have the same tiara. Now she has one and I don't. 171 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,475 Okay. I didn't mean to, Ivy! 172 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,644 Okay, well, let's just even things out. 173 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:02,190 There. Now neither of you has a tiara. Problem solved. 174 00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,320 Mean pirate makes little girls cry. 175 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,492 All: Oh! 176 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,702 Donna: Right in his face! 177 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,955 "Sorry about yourjaw, son." 178 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:21,376 That's disgusting. I can't watch this. Then don't. Go inside. 179 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,950 Dr. Richard nygard says that I need to confront my fears. 180 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,923 And one of my fears is scary movies. 181 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,926 Another one of my fears is growing old 182 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,138 and paunchy, which is why I'm dressed like this. 183 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:36,099 Look, we all get old. Aging is a part of life. 184 00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:44,315 Chris's therapy has been a blessing. 185 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:47,819 Getting body-to-body contact with him has never been easier. 186 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,488 Just when things start to turn around, they fall apart. 187 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:53,491 Now I know exactly how fdr felt after Pearl harbor. 188 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:55,452 Look, you guys have survived this long. 189 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,245 Please don't let this ruin your night. 190 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,622 Let's have fun. It's Halloween. You love Halloween. 191 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,792 Hey, I know what would cheer you up. 192 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,587 Let's go wait outside the bathroom for Tom and scare him. 193 00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,380 That would cheer me up. 194 00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:10,884 Okay. 195 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,969 Ready and... 196 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,180 Boo! 197 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,976 Jerry, god. Gross. 198 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:21,936 Oh! 199 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,313 Jerry? 200 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,606 Guys, I... 201 00:09:25,023 --> 00:09:27,233 Oh, god, I think he might be having a heart attack. 202 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:28,902 What? Are you serious? 203 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:31,047 Oh! So much stuff is happening right now. 204 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,489 Call 911. Okay. 205 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,884 Just breathe, okay? You're gonna be fine. 206 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,910 Oh, geez! Did a dinosaur just fart? 207 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,620 Jerry, get a grip. Sorry, guys. 208 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,830 Ugh! Apology not accepted. 209 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,123 Stop talking, moron. 210 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,542 Dude. Lwish I could stop smelling. 211 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,586 Seriously, Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch? 212 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,922 Tom! Jerry's having a heart attack. 213 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,725 Oh, no, I didn't know that. Jerry, you okay? 214 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,305 Okay, I got you some magazines 215 00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:59,599 and those boring word jumbles you like to do. 216 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,976 Is there anything else you need, j? Maybe some gas-x? 217 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,228 Ha-ha, Tom. 218 00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:04,938 How is he, Ann? Give it to me straight. 219 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:07,315 He's great. He should be out of here in a day or two. 220 00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:10,860 Is that for real, or are you just trying to make him feel better because he's doomed? 221 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,297 Well, nothing's for sure. Tom: Doctor, let me ask you a question. 222 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,841 Medically speaking, how would you describe what happened to Jerry? 223 00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,325 He had a mild heart attack. 224 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:22,330 Yeah, but he also exhibited excessive flatulence. 225 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:26,668 Is there a term for having a heart attack while releasing so much gas? 226 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,044 Not really. 227 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:31,005 Gastrointestinal distress is common during a cardiac event. 228 00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:33,675 I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack. 229 00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,343 Is that too much to ask? 230 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,511 Thank you so much. 231 00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:39,389 Look at all the balloons and the flowers and the food and... 232 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:42,016 My goodness, you're so sweet to come visit this often. 233 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,685 Well, they did cause it. Hey. 234 00:10:43,768 --> 00:10:45,228 Jerry: No. That's okay. 235 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:46,604 I'm glad this happened. 236 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,624 I mean, yeah, I could do without the massive hospital bills, 237 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,275 but, no, this was a wakeup call. 238 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:51,478 I'm gonna make some changes. 239 00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,279 I want at least another 30 years with Gayle and my girls. 240 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,364 Don't worry, Jerry, okay? 241 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,409 You are gonna have the future that you've always planned. 242 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,743 Just leave it to us. 243 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,431 Leslie: Okay, so I have arranged for the parks department 244 00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:07,208 to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry 245 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,793 to help pay for his hospital bills. 246 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:11,880 The Pawnee municipal employee health care plan is kind of crappy. 247 00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,339 One time I sprained my wrist 248 00:11:13,423 --> 00:11:17,468 and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition. 249 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:19,679 Babe, how much should I sell this hat for? 250 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:20,763 I don't know, 8 cents? 251 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,307 Honey, this is the hat I was wearing 252 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:24,517 the first time I ever heard vitalogy by Pearl jam. 253 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,895 Oh! $900. 254 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,855 Yeah, that sounds about right. 255 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,857 Ron, you're not selling anything? 256 00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,359 I am selling this table. I made it. 257 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,905 So when am I gonna meet your new lover? 258 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:39,449 I'm afraid things have hit a rough patch with Diane. 259 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,659 She was not pleased with my babysitting performance 260 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,579 and left me a very loud message on my cell phone. 261 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:47,832 I'm sure she'll get over it ifyoujustsay you're sorry, though. 262 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:52,128 I like Diane, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a whole family. 263 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:55,256 If the kids ever wanted to come to my place, 264 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,300 I'd have to take a whole week off work 265 00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,552 just to undo the alarms and tripwires. 266 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:01,888 Hey, that's my name. 267 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,890 Yeah, that's my Chris traeger box. 268 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,975 All these boxes represent stuff 269 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,019 from different eras of ex-boyfriends. 270 00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:12,607 Here are those ankle weights I bought you that you liked so much. 271 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:14,400 Oh, we had some good walks in these. 272 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,611 If these ankle weights could talk... 273 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,154 They'd say, "buy me for a dollar." 274 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,240 Ann Perkins. 275 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:23,993 Recently, Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, 276 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:27,205 I kind of adopt that person's personality. 277 00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,624 The evidence is fairly damning. 278 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,293 Chris traeger, exercise phase. 279 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,587 Andy dwyer, my grunge phase. 280 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,090 Tom Haverford, my needless shopping phase. 281 00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:38,925 Also my credit card debt phase. 282 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:40,593 Ann Perkins. 283 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,887 Leslie: Thank you so much for coming. Good afternoon. 284 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:45,974 As many of you know, Jerry gergich, our friend, 285 00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:49,602 has suffered a devastating fart attack, and we are here to help. 286 00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:52,605 So there are some special auction items I will be dealing with. 287 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,692 The first item up for bid is an inscribed autobiography 288 00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:57,652 from Pawnee newscaster perd hapley. 289 00:12:57,735 --> 00:13:01,155 The book's entitled the thing about me is I'm perd hapley. 290 00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:04,033 Anyway, let's start the bidding at $20. $20. 291 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:06,202 Thank you sir, for $20. Do I see $30? 292 00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:08,597 Jennifer: Oh! Look at this view! Kutzwilder: Thank you. 293 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,624 Mr. Kurtzwilder, it might be helpful if you told us 294 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,876 why you want to be governor of Florida. 295 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:18,131 Well, I guess you could say mine is the classic Florida success story. 296 00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:19,674 Okay. I went to sfu law school, 297 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,218 I was working at a small firm in Orlando, 298 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:25,346 and one day, bam, just like that, gator eats penis. 299 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,224 Excuse me? Well, that was my first high profile case. 300 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,600 It was a classic Florida divorce. 301 00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,312 Guy cheats on his wife with Dan Marino's masseuse. 302 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:33,855 One day she cuts his junk off, 303 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:35,040 throws it in the everglades. 304 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:36,941 Why not? Damn alligator ate it. 305 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,819 And that case, that case made my career. 306 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,904 What a country. What a state. 307 00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:44,657 Florida, a little strange. 308 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:49,078 You know, here, here everyone has a chance to succeed. 309 00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,375 And now, all I want to do is give something back. 310 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:55,877 I want to help all of those people who are lucky enough 311 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,255 to have a penis-eating alligator fall in their lap. 312 00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:00,465 It's quite an image. 313 00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,634 Frankly, your path to victory is narrow. 314 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,803 Governor Scott might be vulnerable, 315 00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,890 but you have very little name recognition. 316 00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:11,351 Aren't you supposed to be puffing me up? 317 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:15,355 I'm considering paying you a lot of money to get me to the state house. 318 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:18,608 We're being honest, Mr. Kurtzwilder. It's not going to be easy. 319 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,111 But the barkley group is the best at what we do. 320 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,113 We're not in the business of losing elections. 321 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,033 We can get you where you wanna go. 322 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,827 I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" 323 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,540 on all those death canoe tweets. 324 00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:35,917 Also, "not safe for work." 325 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,544 You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane. 326 00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,380 That movie's 25 years old, Morris. 327 00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:42,924 And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me. 328 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,485 What are you doing now? I'm talking to you. 329 00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,636 I'm live-tweeting this dumb-ass conversation. 330 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,013 You like that coat? Yeah. 331 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:51,432 But $200? It's used. 332 00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:53,893 I paid $150 for it, then added the scorpion. 333 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,787 You can't sell clothes at a tag sale for more than they're worth. 334 00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,648 Umm, watch me. 335 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:03,152 Got a minute? Sure. 336 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:07,573 I didn't expect to see you after the yelling that occurred. 337 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:11,369 Yeah, I was a bit stressed, but I'm not here to make excuses. 338 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:15,039 I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the way I reacted. 339 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:16,874 Apology accepted. 340 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:20,073 Do you wanna say anything to me? 341 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,588 Oh! Yes. 342 00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:25,591 You look nice today. 343 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,678 You broke my daughter's tiara. 344 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,682 You ruined their Halloween. Don't you feel a little bit bad about that? 345 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:37,895 Okay... 346 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,439 Too late. 347 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,441 Goodbye. 348 00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:44,777 Dude, youte totally blowing this. 349 00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,280 I'm not gonna apologize. 350 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,991 It wasn't even a real tiara, for god's sake. 351 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,660 Well, relationship over. Too bad. 352 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:55,037 Oh, my god, you are so sad. 353 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:56,497 I am not. 354 00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:59,750 Ron, she's right. I've trained extensively in the art of observation. 355 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,378 You are sad, and we know why. 356 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:04,255 You didn't sell your table. 357 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,216 And it's probably a little too expensive. Shh. 358 00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:08,926 April: No. 359 00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:11,596 Leslie: Okay, this is our final auction item. 360 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:15,475 It's a one-of-a-kind autograph from mayor gunderson's dog, Rufus. 361 00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:17,953 Yeah, we need some big bids... 362 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,604 Excuse me one second. 363 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,814 Can you... just... okay. 364 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:23,900 Hey, how was the meeting? 365 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:28,738 Kurtzwilder wants me to run his campaign from Florida. 366 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:31,240 I'm not exactly sure when the job would even start, 367 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:33,951 but it would probably mean putting our plans on hold. 368 00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:37,580 Well, I mean, you know, obviously you gotta take it, right? 369 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,266 No, I mean, I'm not making any decisions 370 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:41,501 until we talk about this and everything itwould mean. 371 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,419 Look, I'm flying back to Washington. 372 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,046 I'll call you when I get there. Okay? 373 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:46,255 Yeah, okay. 374 00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,090 Love ya. Love you, too. 375 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,135 Okay, come on, $60? Man: $60! 376 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:52,803 $65, anybody? 377 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:54,805 Oh. Hey, we're up to $60. Not bad, right? 378 00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:56,015 Yes, Ann, bad. 379 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,559 You might not care about Jerry's future, but I do. 380 00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,829 Okay? We need to do something very drastic so he can be happy, 381 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,313 so we can all be happy. 382 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,066 Hmmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 383 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,376 Don't know what you're thinking, 384 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,961 but I'm definitely not thinking what you're thinking. 385 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:11,030 Good idea, Ann. Okay, we have a new item up for bid. 386 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,990 A wonderful surprise item. 387 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,826 An evening with sexy nurse Ann Perkins. 388 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,411 Yes. 389 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:18,538 Look at her, folks. 390 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,207 One evening with the most beautiful woman in the world. 391 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,167 Just dinner and dancing, nothing sexual. 392 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:25,211 Unless she's into that, but no, she's not. 393 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:26,563 Nothing fresh. Don't even try it. 394 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:27,964 But you never know, right? No! 395 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:30,567 No, she's not into it. Don't try anything, but, you know, give it a shot. 396 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,177 Either way, it's for a good cause. Let's raise some money. 397 00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:40,142 Please, we need to do this for Jerry and his future. 398 00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,727 This could be great, you know? 399 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,291 Three out of four married couples have 400 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:44,873 met each other at spontaneous auctions. 401 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,190 I don't think that's true. 402 00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:47,441 Well, I don't know, I... 403 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,693 Man: $100. 404 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,488 All right, what the hell. 405 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,657 Okay, we have a $100 bid for Ann Perkins. 406 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,617 $200. $200. Thank you so much. 407 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,911 $200 for the smartest, most accomplished woman I know. 408 00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,205 And check out that bod. Can I get 3? $300. 409 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:02,456 $500. 410 00:18:02,957 --> 00:18:03,958 Uh-oh! 411 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,626 $600. $700. 412 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,461 $750. $900. 413 00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:11,507 Wow, $900 from the man with the tank top and the tattoos. 414 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,271 That's so great. Let's beat that, shall we? 415 00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:15,101 Who wants to beat it? Anybody beat it, please? 416 00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:16,554 I'm sorry, I'm out. 417 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,348 Iwouldn't sell her to that guy, though. Just one man's opinion. 418 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:24,061 Okay. Sir, what would you do with your $900 date? 419 00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:28,482 How would you, uh... what are you gonna do to her? 420 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:30,067 I don't know. 421 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,278 My cousin's got a kickass mud pit in his yard. 422 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:33,738 She could watch me do belly-flops, 423 00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,781 then maybe we could get some Thai food 424 00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,545 and a tank of nitrous and see what happens. 425 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:39,708 Oh. That's not as bad as I thought itwould be. 426 00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:42,288 I am going to bid a million dollars on myself. 427 00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,290 Going once, going never, sold. 428 00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:53,591 One boom box, two sweaters down, $30 richer. 429 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,760 $30 for Jerry gergich. 430 00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:57,762 Oh! We got to give it to Jerry. 431 00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,764 300 bucks. What! 432 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:01,807 Forget Jerry. 433 00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:04,477 I'm gonna buy the complete Smallville box set 434 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,729 and live-tweet that whole bitch. 435 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,732 How'd you do? Terrible. I didn't sell one thing. 436 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:12,610 These monsters wouldn't recognize fine apparel 437 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,987 if Tom Ford slapped them across the face with it. 438 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:18,407 Tom: What up, playboy? 439 00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:19,492 You like that jacket? 440 00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,077 Wsamaw dope cut, right? Yeah. 441 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:22,787 Can I have it, mom? 442 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:24,246 I could wear it to homecoming. 443 00:19:24,372 --> 00:19:25,849 300 bucks for something you're just gonna 444 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,625 grow out of in a month? Forget it. 445 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,711 Wait, I can rent it to you. 446 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,046 Really? 447 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:35,132 Yeah, it's part of a business I run. 448 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:38,260 High-end clothes rentals for teens, tweens and everything in betweens. 449 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,013 That jacket is 20 bucks a week. 450 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:42,682 Done. 451 00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:44,392 This is a great idea. 452 00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,555 He grows so fast I never wanna buy him anything nice. 453 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:48,145 What's the name of your business? 454 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,439 Rent a swag. 455 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,066 How'd you do? 456 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:55,111 I sold 12 bucks ofandy, 40 bucks of Tom 457 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:58,155 and I nearly avoided getting bought by a tattooed weirdo. 458 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:00,658 That would have been an amazing box. 459 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,066 I'll buy the Chris traeger box. 460 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:04,471 Oh, you don't have to do that. 461 00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:08,791 No, no. It's for a good cause and, somehow, reclaiming my own identity. 462 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,502 I think Dr. Richard nygard would approve. 463 00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:14,004 I'll ask him. I'm on my way to my evening session. 464 00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:15,131 I see him twice a day now. 465 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,882 Great. Thank you. 466 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:18,801 I did buy a date with myself 467 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,345 so I might as well take me out to dinner. Right? 468 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,265 You know, it's none of my business, 469 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:28,144 but maybe dating yourself might not be such a bad idea. 470 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:30,896 No more of these boxes. 471 00:20:30,980 --> 00:20:32,189 Start an Ann Perkins box. 472 00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,027 I'm sorry, Jerry, but your future has been canceled. 473 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:38,654 We only raised $1,200. 474 00:20:38,821 --> 00:20:40,281 Leslie, thank you. 475 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,825 That is amazing. No, it stinks. 476 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,827 It's not even close to what you need. 477 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:48,456 With all your bills, and the inevitable follow-up problems, 478 00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:51,208 and the lifetime of chronic misery that awaits you. 479 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:53,335 I'll be fine. No you won't, Jerry. 480 00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,756 Because everything is up in the air now. There's no security. 481 00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:59,762 I mean, you had this whole plan for your retirement and your beach house 482 00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,387 and now Your future is just a huge pile of crap. 483 00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:06,223 Leslie, you can't actually plan your future. 484 00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:08,601 You know, there's no guarantees in this world. 485 00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:11,520 As long as the people I love are a part of my life, 486 00:21:12,146 --> 00:21:13,898 I will be just fine. 487 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,150 Hey, you wanna stick around? 488 00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:18,194 Watch some of my stories with me? 489 00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:21,155 Tonight's strawberry jell-o night! 490 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,699 Oh, my god, your life is so depressing. No, thank you. 491 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,211 Never seen anyone more tortured over good news. 492 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,963 I'm sorry, I don't mean to seem ungrateful. 493 00:21:38,172 --> 00:21:39,932 I just... you know, I have a lot to consider. 494 00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:42,567 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. Feelings and girlfriend and whatever. 495 00:21:42,927 --> 00:21:45,971 The point is just yesterday you said to me, 496 00:21:46,222 --> 00:21:49,141 "I'm never happier than when I'm managing a campaign." 497 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,476 I don't think I said that. 498 00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:51,560 You didn't have to. 499 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:53,187 Iwatched you in Florida. 500 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:54,814 You were saying it with your heart. 501 00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:56,690 Wow, you are really good at this. 502 00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:58,150 Yes, I am. I'm amazing. 503 00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:00,778 But more importantly, so are you. 504 00:22:01,779 --> 00:22:04,240 There aren't a lot of people that can manage a campaign. 505 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:08,828 But, you, Ben Wyatt, are one of them. 506 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:14,208 So, just take tonight and just think about your future. 507 00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:22,675 Hello, Diane. 508 00:22:22,758 --> 00:22:24,385 I have brought you flowers. 509 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,054 Also chocolates. 510 00:22:28,389 --> 00:22:29,974 And some grout cleaner. 511 00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:32,685 I noticed you needed grout cleaner, so I brought that, too. 512 00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:34,603 Very romantic. 513 00:22:35,980 --> 00:22:37,982 My kids are non-negotiable, Ron. 514 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:39,525 It's a package deal. 515 00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:43,112 I know. I'm sorry, Diane. I really am. 516 00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:47,408 I've been alone most of my life by choice, 517 00:22:47,491 --> 00:22:48,826 and kids... 518 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:52,454 This is all new for me. 519 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,165 But I'd like to become familiar with it 520 00:22:55,958 --> 00:22:57,835 if you give me a chance to prove myself. 521 00:22:58,961 --> 00:23:00,588 I did bring the girls something. 522 00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:06,260 I thought I could teach them to saw. 523 00:23:07,595 --> 00:23:09,555 I now realize that seems dangerous. 524 00:23:11,348 --> 00:23:14,560 Well, my boyfriend might not be moving back for a while 525 00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:16,270 so I have to back out. 526 00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,856 Just wanted to look at it one more time. 527 00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:21,418 You know I can't give you your deposit back. 528 00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:22,610 I know. 529 00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:25,696 And there's a $300... all right, Martha. I get it. 530 00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:31,118 Actually, is there a way I could put down, like a... 531 00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:33,370 Hey. Hey. 532 00:23:33,454 --> 00:23:35,331 I didn't know you were coming back here. 533 00:23:35,998 --> 00:23:37,207 What are you doing? 534 00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:41,420 Oh, my god, what are you doing? 535 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,881 I'm thinking about my future. 536 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:52,431 I am deeply, ridiculously in love with you 537 00:23:52,723 --> 00:23:54,767 and above everything else, I just... 538 00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:57,436 I wanna be with you forever. 539 00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,230 So, Leslie knope, 540 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,358 will... wait. Wait. 541 00:24:02,775 --> 00:24:03,943 Okay. Okay? 542 00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,153 Sure. Just... I need to remember this. 543 00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:07,821 Give me a second. Okay. 544 00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:13,327 Leslie... no, no, no, no, hold on. 545 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:14,995 Just... I need another second, please. 546 00:24:15,412 --> 00:24:21,502 I need to remember every little thing about how perfect 547 00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:25,172 my life is right now at this exact moment. 548 00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:26,256 Okay. 549 00:24:36,976 --> 00:24:38,102 Are you good? 550 00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:39,353 Yeah. I'm good. 551 00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:41,939 Leslie knope, 552 00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:44,191 will you... yes! 553 00:24:51,782 --> 00:24:53,158 Marry me? Oh, yeah. 554 00:24:53,242 --> 00:24:54,785 Okay. Great. 555 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,209 All: Trick or treat! 556 00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:03,627 It's November 8th. 557 00:25:04,003 --> 00:25:07,965 Yes, well, these girls didn't get a chance to go trick or treating so... 558 00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:09,842 Sorry, I'm in the middle of dinner. 559 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:12,886 My friend, somewhere in this house, there is some candy. 560 00:25:13,387 --> 00:25:15,365 Why don't you find it and put it in the pillowcases 561 00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:18,475 these adorable girls are holding and we'll get out of your hair. 562 00:25:19,143 --> 00:25:20,644 All right, hold on one second. 563 00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:24,356 You having fun, ladies? 564 00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:25,607 Yeah! 565 00:25:26,567 --> 00:25:29,403 All right, I got some calcium chews 566 00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:32,740 and a roll of cookie dough. 567 00:25:32,823 --> 00:25:33,991 Okay, what do you say, girls? 568 00:25:34,074 --> 00:25:35,826 Thank you! Thank you! 569 00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:37,453 Tremendous. 570 00:25:38,245 --> 00:25:39,455 Appreciate it.