1 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:05,130 Merry congratu-Christmas! 2 00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:06,548 Half "merry Christmas," what? 3 00:00:06,632 --> 00:00:09,301 Half "congratulations," because I just received some news. 4 00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:12,513 You, Ron Swanson, have been nominated for an award 5 00:00:12,596 --> 00:00:15,224 from the Indiana fine woodworking association. 6 00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:16,767 How did you hear about that? 7 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,244 I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert 8 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,729 for seven years and it finally paid off. 9 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:23,565 Recently, I made a chair. 10 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:27,486 When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. 11 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,989 I submitted it to the Indiana fine woodworking association, 12 00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:34,034 who felt it merited consideration for an award. 13 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:37,079 It's been a real whirlwind. 14 00:00:37,329 --> 00:00:40,123 I have to confess, I'm very honored by this nomination. 15 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,291 Right? 16 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:44,294 This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event. 17 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,422 Oh, my god, I love events! I can't wait to go tonight. 18 00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:48,632 Why are you going? 19 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,551 As your self-appointed emotional guardian, 20 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:53,011 it is my duty to love and support you. 21 00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,156 Plus, you know, this is a big deal. You shouldn't be there alone. 22 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,765 That's correct. I'm bringing Diane. 23 00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,117 Things are going very well with us. 24 00:00:58,141 --> 00:01:00,686 Even better. I am very excited to meet Diane. 25 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,580 You're not taking "no" for an answer, are you? 26 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,274 I forgot to sing you my merry congratu-Christmas Carol. 27 00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,609 Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you 28 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:08,819 get out. Yup. Hmm. 29 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:31,758 How about the new Sushi place in eagleton? 30 00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:33,135 I'm allergic to Sushi. 31 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:35,387 Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf. 32 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,448 Hey, Ann, you been to any swanky restaurants lately? 33 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,016 What's the occasion? It's December. 34 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,269 It's the time we celebrate our most sacred and special event... 35 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,521 Jerry dinner Jerry dinner 36 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,106 Jerry dinner 37 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:48,525 Jerry dinner 38 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,277 what the hell is Jerry dinner? 39 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,446 Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, 40 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,656 we put a dollar in this box. 41 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,658 At the end of the year, we take all the cash 42 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:58,619 and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner. 43 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,746 This year, we have... 44 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:03,081 $516. 45 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:05,626 Aw. Geez! 46 00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,378 And that's $517. 47 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:12,883 $518. 48 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:17,137 You guys, that's so mean. 49 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,348 It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. 50 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:21,391 It's like talking about people behind their backs. 51 00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:22,434 Everybody wins. 52 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,812 You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner. 53 00:02:27,022 --> 00:02:28,940 That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. 54 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,652 If you're kidding, you suck, but ifyou're serious, 55 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:33,445 I actually have been thinking about it. 56 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:37,783 Hey, April, matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. 57 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:40,035 Boom! I'm out. 58 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,662 Who's matlock? 59 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:43,789 Hey, bud. 60 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:44,873 How are you? 61 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:47,417 Great. I just finished making an entry in my dream journal. 62 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:52,339 This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. 63 00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:55,592 Progress. 64 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:57,928 So I feel like we haven't gotten a ton of time together 65 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,638 since I got back from DC. 66 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,890 Well, we both are in serious relationships. 67 00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:05,519 You have Leslie and I have my therapist, Dr. Richard nygard, 68 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,229 who I see 15 times a week. 69 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,273 Well, Leslie has plans tonight, so I'm solo. 70 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,150 You wanna hang out? Pdloveto. 71 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,903 It'll bejust like old times in Indianapolis. 72 00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:17,280 We're back. All right. 73 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:18,532 Ohhh... 74 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,575 Lots of hugs. 75 00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,871 Welcome to the Indiana fine woodworking awards, 76 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,165 or as I like to call it, heaven. 77 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,417 Ron. Ah. 78 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:32,129 Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? Diane, this is Leslie knope. 79 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,798 Diane, wow. Ron has told me so much about you, 80 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,134 in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist. 81 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,721 Yeah. He's not a big sharer. I don't even know what his middle name is. 82 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,013 It's ulysses. 83 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,266 I can see why he didn't tell me that. 84 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,809 Mary, mother of god. 85 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,146 That's Christian becksvoort! 86 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,106 He's the modern master of the shaker ster. 87 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:54,025 I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh. 88 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,694 Go over and say hello. 89 00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:58,113 No, I'm sure he gets swamped with attention all the time. 90 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,365 Oh, if you ladies will excuse me, 91 00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:03,368 there is a Jack plane that needs my attention. 92 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:04,703 Diane: Go on then. 93 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,874 So, tell me everything about yourself. Your kids, your hobbies. 94 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:11,626 What are your five biggest hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets? 95 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:15,464 In honor of Jerry dinner, 96 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:18,925 let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year. 97 00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,385 Yes. Mine was... 98 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:21,928 The time he slipped on a cinnabon 99 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,472 andlanded in a bunch of garbage. 100 00:04:24,890 --> 00:04:28,018 My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue. 101 00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,313 My favorite Jerry moment is when 102 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:34,441 you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know. 103 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:37,068 You're so cute when you're bullying, babe. 104 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:41,364 You know what? Ann was right. This is mean. We are going to pick up Jerry. 105 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,949 What? No! 106 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,243 It's Christmas time. Don't you want to be good people? 107 00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:46,328 Notreahy. Neven 108 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,598 hey, ifwe're going that way, can we stop at our place real quick? 109 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,123 'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant. 110 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:52,751 And a jacket and one of my socks. 111 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,128 Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that. 112 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:58,381 I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts academy, 113 00:04:58,465 --> 00:05:00,345 which house do you think you would have been in? 114 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,886 Look, obviously, I want to say Gryffindor 115 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,429 but I've got to go with hufflepuff. 116 00:05:04,513 --> 00:05:05,972 I respect your honesty. 117 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,725 Gryffindor. Seeker on the Quidditch team. 118 00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,269 Diane, that's my chair, right there. 119 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:14,105 It's beautiful, Ron. Yours is the winner. 120 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:15,982 I'm not sure I stand a chance. 121 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:19,110 Hey, you most certainly do. 122 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,155 They'd be crazy not to vote for you. 123 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,281 Which one is Ron's? 124 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,741 I don't know. 125 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,327 Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? 126 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:30,580 Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer. 127 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,543 Whoa! What is going on at the gergiches'? 128 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:37,712 Oh, my god! Jerry's having a Christmas party! 129 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,214 I can't believe he didn't invite us. 130 00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,424 How dare he! What'd we ever do to him? 131 00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,218 It's probably just family. 132 00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,511 And Ben and Chris. 133 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:48,014 And Ann. I didn't even know she knew Jerry. 134 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:52,978 Wow! The gergiches really go all out. This is incredible. 135 00:05:53,937 --> 00:05:57,023 Mmm. This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had. 136 00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:00,443 Remain calm, but I think you just drank 137 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,988 some of the regular, full-fat eggnog. 138 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,241 Chris, one cup won't kill you. 139 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,119 No, but itwill add exactly 440 calories. 140 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,998 But you know what? I'm fine. 141 00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:15,500 You only live once. 142 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:20,422 Mmm. I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them 143 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,591 taste way better than things with no fat. 144 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,718 Yeah, Chris... Everybody knows that. 145 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,721 Ron, guess why my thumbs are up. 146 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,683 Because I'm giving you my 100% approval about Diane. 147 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,060 She is perfect for you. She gets you. 148 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:38,064 She is at the bar right now ordering a lagavulin, neat for you. 149 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,566 I mean, she's even putting up 150 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:41,776 with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff. 151 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,530 I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the super bowl, guys. 152 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:46,694 Let's take it down a notch. 153 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,117 Anyway, you have my approval. 154 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,280 I don't need your approval. 155 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,536 Butyouhaveit dontneedit 156 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:52,787 but you got it. 157 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:57,459 This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life. 158 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,710 I am so, so happy for him... 159 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:02,172 Tammy: Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. 160 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,132 Wow, look at this room. 161 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:07,260 So much wood, ready to be worked. 162 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,388 Me! 163 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:14,684 Hey, hey, hey. Alert... alert, alert, alert. 164 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,145 She's here, isn't she? 165 00:07:17,228 --> 00:07:20,774 Oh, hey, Ron. What a coincidence. 166 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,901 Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here. 167 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,028 Tammy, this is Diane. 168 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:28,323 Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, 169 00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,908 who is also my ex-wife. 170 00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:31,660 Twice ex-wife. We were married twice. 171 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,996 And divorced twice. Everything is done. They are totally done. 172 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,123 Tammy, what are you doing here? 173 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,960 I just have a little something I need to get drilled. 174 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,420 Can I speak with you for a moment? 175 00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,506 Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat. 176 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:46,049 Shouldn't you be at the library, 177 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:47,592 forcing people to borrow books? 178 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:50,220 Leslie, you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 pm. 179 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,721 Of course it does. 180 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:53,723 Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron. 181 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,849 So you can ruin his life? 182 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,434 So I can have fun with him, 183 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,521 and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure. 184 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:01,499 Leslie: This may be the hardest challenge yet 185 00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:03,066 for Leslie knope, emotional guardian. 186 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,026 I need to protect a sweet couple 187 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,153 from a sex-crazed demon librarian 188 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,572 who makes me question my stance on using the "b" word. 189 00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:11,550 I don't know, maybe just this once. 190 00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:14,244 No, Leslie, fight it. Fight it. 191 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:19,165 April: Mmm. It looks warm in there! Warm and happy. 192 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:21,668 Mmm. Look at that gingerbread man. 193 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,391 What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies. 194 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,481 Donna: I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. 195 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,132 Look like Blake Griffin. 196 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,508 Andy: You guys! 197 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,428 There's a buffet in the house! 198 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,513 I didn't even know you could do that! 199 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,557 We need to crash this party. 200 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,018 Ann, let us in. 201 00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:40,145 Let's go. 202 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,982 Well, well, well. 203 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:47,569 You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that? 204 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,654 I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. 205 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:51,538 It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. 206 00:08:52,282 --> 00:08:56,327 This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. 207 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:57,871 There's no place for meanies. 208 00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:00,040 Forget it, I'm coming in. 209 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,876 Wait. Get off me. 210 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,419 You're so weak, really? 211 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,047 I mean, I'm barely even doing anything. 212 00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:10,091 Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palms. Ow. 213 00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:13,011 It's because of your man strength, man Perkins. 214 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,179 Tom: Let us in, Ann. 215 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:15,740 It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 216 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:17,390 'causetheyte unflattering to my hands. 217 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,476 Sorry, guys. This is your penance. 218 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,936 You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry. 219 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,938 Hey, I already did something nice for Jerry. 220 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,316 I drove here to take him to Jerry dinner. 221 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,151 Aw, Donna. You can come in. 222 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,235 Okay. 223 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,403 What? What about us? 224 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,488 April: What? Donna! 225 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,572 Merry critches, bitches! 226 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,240 Donna, don't leave us! Donna? 227 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:37,827 Oh, well, whatever. It's Jerry's party. How cool could it be? 228 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,579 Andy: Santa! 229 00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,122 They have a Santa! Oh, my god. 230 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:42,248 What? Aw! 231 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:46,628 Welcome to the Indiana fine woodworking association awards. 232 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:52,342 I'm your host, Martin house/y, and wow, it's gonna be a great show... 233 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,426 Knock on wood. 234 00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:57,222 Oh, my gosh. 235 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,766 What a coinky-dinky. Look, we're sitting at the same table! 236 00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,976 Tammy, this table is reserved. 237 00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:04,479 A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. 238 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,481 That's my boob and my butt, respectively. 239 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,316 Remember that, Ron? 240 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:09,484 Subfle. 241 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,462 Well, you know, they asked me if! Would host this event, 242 00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,822 and I said, "would I?" 243 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:19,077 Ben, come meet Jerry's wife. Gaer? 244 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,288 Happy holidays, Chris. 245 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:23,873 It's so good to see you. 246 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,357 I have someone I'd like you to meet. 247 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:27,669 I'm Gayle gergich. 248 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,172 Gaer... you're gaer? 249 00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:32,924 Jerry's beautiful wife. 250 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,385 Who looks like that. 251 00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:38,805 Gaer, I hope you're not in any way uncomfortable that I'm here, 252 00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,140 since I dated your daughter. 253 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,808 Oh, not at all. 254 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,144 You're welcome here any time. 255 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:48,148 Oops, there's a little hair on your shoulder. Oh. 256 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,985 Well, look who's a silver fox. 257 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:54,696 Will you look at that? 258 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,447 I'm sorry, you're okay? 259 00:10:57,073 --> 00:11:00,118 You don't feel like your body is in decay or death is inevitable? 260 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:04,247 My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose. 261 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,750 Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose. 262 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:12,297 Welcome, everybody, to another gergich Christmas. 263 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:14,757 Sadly, one of our three beautiful angels, 264 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,110 Millicent, couldn't be here tonight, 265 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,928 but our other two beauties Miriam and Gladys 266 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:22,098 are going to help gaer and me play a little tune. 267 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:28,521 Here we go a-caroling among the leaves so green 268 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:32,609 here we come a-wandering so fair to be seen 269 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,861 both: Love andjoy come to you 270 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:37,113 and to you glad Christmas, too 271 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:41,701 and god bless you and send you a happy new year 272 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:45,830 and god send you a happy new year 273 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,210 I'm going to call a cab. 274 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,879 Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? 275 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:56,007 He's the one that didn't invite us to his Christmas party. 276 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:57,300 Jerry filter! 277 00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:58,509 Jerry filter! 278 00:11:58,593 --> 00:11:59,969 Who's Jerry filter? 279 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,847 Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. 280 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,433 So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. 281 00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:08,144 Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam. 282 00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:10,980 And... 283 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:12,941 Here's our invitation. 284 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:15,902 There's three years of nice messages on here. 285 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,362 "Congratulations on your wedding. 286 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:19,197 "I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry." 287 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,407 "Hope you have the best birthday, Tom." 288 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,993 I just tied my high score in snake. 289 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,958 Our next award is for "achievement in chairs." 290 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:35,713 The nominees are Asa christiana for chair, Ron Swanson for chair, 291 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:36,881 h. W. Davenport for chair. 292 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,591 So exciting, Ron. 293 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,843 Okay, Ron, this is your moment. 294 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,720 Tune her out. She's not even here. 295 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,389 And the winner is... 296 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,224 Ron Swanson for chair. 297 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,684 Oh, wow! Whoo! 298 00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:01,614 This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about. 299 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,994 I made my first chair when I was five, 300 00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:08,079 but the quality of the wood was wanting, 301 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:11,082 so when I turned nine, 1 used my factory wages 302 00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:14,210 to purchase some beautiful local walnut. 303 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,299 Thank you for this... 304 00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:22,427 This all good... night good. 305 00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:26,514 There it is. 306 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:35,916 Hey, you're looking at a picture of Millie. 307 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,026 You want to take off, grab some vegan fries? 308 00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:39,861 She really was delightful. 309 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,030 I truly wish her all the best. 310 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:46,075 Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. 311 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,886 I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, 312 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,120 you would have fallen apart. 313 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,122 It's just a picture. 314 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:52,832 Gayle: Millie! Hi, mom! 315 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,294 We wanted to surprise you and come home early. 316 00:13:57,628 --> 00:13:59,422 Oh, hey, Chris. 317 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,968 Let's take a moment now to remember 318 00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:06,346 those woodworkers who are no longer with us, 319 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:09,140 and the beautiful coffins they all designed themselves. 320 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,979 Hey. Hey. 321 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:16,439 Have you seen Ron? 322 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:19,001 He disappeared after the speech and I can't find him anywhere. 323 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,110 Diane, the stuff with Tammy 324 00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,738 is so complex and weird and gross. 325 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:26,240 It just would probably be better if you let me handle it. 326 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:27,909 I'm not worried about Tammy. 327 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:29,911 I mean, I'm a middle school vice-principal. 328 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:32,205 I deal with hormonal psychopaths all the time. 329 00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:33,706 Oh, great. Good. 330 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:34,832 What concerns me is you. 331 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,250 You who? 332 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,877 You you. You me? 333 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,480 You're the one who's been at his side all night. 334 00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:40,814 You're the one who's been protecting him, 335 00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:42,758 you're the one who knows all the intimate details 336 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,550 of his romantic history with that monster. 337 00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:46,636 Oh, no, no, no, no. Diane, you misunderstand. 338 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:47,929 I'm happily engaged. 339 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:51,182 You and Ron have an intimacy that I just don't understand, 340 00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:53,518 so if there is a threat to my relationship with Ron, 341 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,938 it's not Tammy. It's you. 342 00:14:57,021 --> 00:15:01,776 Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts. It's the big one, best desk. 343 00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:07,407 Where's Diane? I need her. 344 00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:09,075 Shelefi. Of course. 345 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,243 Tammy ruins everything. 346 00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:11,994 No, she left because of me. 347 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:14,247 She's threatened by our relationship. 348 00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:20,044 That's ridiculous. I don't think of you romantically. 349 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,380 You're pro-government, you never stop talking, 350 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:24,674 and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare. 351 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,801 Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare" 352 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:29,178 is every other man's "total package." 353 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,347 But the point is, I don't think it's about dating. 354 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,516 I kind of see where Diane is coming from. 355 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:36,686 We are close friends, and I'm very involved in your life. 356 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,104 I wouldn't say we're close. 357 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:41,023 By Swanson standards, we're close. I know when your birthday is. 358 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,442 So does baskin-Robbins. 359 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:45,528 I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums. 360 00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,071 Keep your voice down, woman! 361 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,908 Fine, we're friends. So what do I do? 362 00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:53,077 Tammy's waiting for me in my car. 363 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,705 I think you should take my car and go get Diane, 364 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,166 and I will handle Tammy. 365 00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,877 Thank you. Protect your eyes, she's a gouger. 366 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,211 Good to know. 367 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,089 Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Carl. 368 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,591 Well. Hi, there. 369 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:08,217 Hi. How did you two meet? 370 00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:09,385 Whitewater rafting. 371 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:12,472 He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, 372 00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:15,308 and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into. 373 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:16,767 And then we got together. 374 00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:18,728 Ah, so random, right? 375 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,772 What a story! I felt like my heart was whitewater rafting. 376 00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:24,484 Well, I won't keep you guys. It's good to see you. 377 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:27,028 Oh, little tip, there is fat in the eggnog. 378 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,154 Okay. 379 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:31,699 So how'd it go? You okay? 380 00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,118 I'm fine. 381 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,620 If therapy has taught me anything, 382 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,705 it's that I need to face my fears, 383 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:39,790 even when my fears are engaged to a man 384 00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:42,084 with the chiseled jawline of a young me. 385 00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,295 Thank you, Ben. 386 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:45,463 Thank me? For what? 387 00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:49,217 For looking out for me tonight. You're a good friend. 388 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,177 Hey... 389 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,596 So gaer and Jerry... 390 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,265 I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation. 391 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,812 Well, hello there, big b... 392 00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:05,066 Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron? 393 00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:08,277 Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone. You'll never get him back. 394 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:11,030 Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. 395 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:14,200 All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, 396 00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,868 and he's toast. 397 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,495 Few hours, you say? 398 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:21,165 Leslie! Stop this car! Where are we going? 399 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:22,542 I don't know. 400 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,168 You're gonna regret this! 401 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:27,713 Well, hello again. 402 00:17:27,838 --> 00:17:30,007 You ready to be nice to Jerry? 403 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:33,511 Because it's so cold out here, it reminds me of my wife's lasagne. 404 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,638 I actually like that one. 405 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:39,976 Hey, guys! I thought you weren't coming. You know, never got your rsvp. 406 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,144 Hi, Jerry. We got you a gift. Merry Christmas. 407 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:44,772 Yeah, just... 408 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,833 We took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, 409 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:49,402 since you almost farted yourself to death. 410 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,947 Every time we did something mean, we put a dollar in a box. 411 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:55,658 Wow, I'm the luckiest man on earth. 412 00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:58,327 Okay, well, come on in! It's a party. 413 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,294 Oh, geez. 414 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:07,712 Tammy: Give me the keys! 415 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:08,796 Leslie: No! 416 00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:10,798 Gneemtome! Neveh 417 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,467 hey, game over, Tammy. Whoo! 418 00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,261 What? You... 419 00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,346 I'm going in! 420 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,599 Whoo! 421 00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:21,475 Ha! Ow! Ah! 422 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,313 Oh, my god, I am so turned on right now. 423 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:27,106 What is wrong with you? 424 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,709 Yeah, tell me you're not feeling this. 425 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,318 You are so crazy! 426 00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,569 I got 'em! 427 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:33,738 I got 'em. No! 428 00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:35,823 No! You'll never catch me! 429 00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:37,742 Come back here... ow! 430 00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:40,036 You are not gonna ruin this night! 431 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,319 Tammy: Get away from this car! 432 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,623 What are you doing? 433 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:44,874 You're crazy! 434 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,876 Ron! Ron! 435 00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:48,538 Ha, ha, ha. You're too late! 436 00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,465 No! No, no, no, no, no, no! 437 00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:57,136 She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder 438 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,055 if I was ever gonna get to that point. 439 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,557 I'm worried that maybe 440 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,521 there isn't room in your life for another woman. 441 00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:06,520 At this very moment, Leslie is throwing herself 442 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:10,650 in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you. 443 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,610 Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, 444 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,654 who is very important in my life, 445 00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:16,864 but I would sooner visit Europe 446 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:19,450 than have something romantic happen between us. 447 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:23,204 Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, 448 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,748 I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. 449 00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:28,417 But not France, right? 450 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:29,502 God, no. 451 00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,006 See? You know me pretty well already, 452 00:19:34,465 --> 00:19:37,218 but you're about to get to know me even better. 453 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,970 I brought you here because I want to show you something 454 00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:42,098 that almost no one knows about... 455 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,559 Certainly not Tammy, and not even Leslie knope. 456 00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:48,896 Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, and especially the ladies, 457 00:19:48,979 --> 00:19:52,066 put your hands together for the one, the only, 458 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,860 my man, Mr. Duke silvers. 459 00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:02,284 A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. 460 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:03,703 Emcee: Yeah. 461 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,538 It might be cold outside, 462 00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:08,499 but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz. 463 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,377 I, of course, am Duke silver, 464 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,588 and I would like to dedicate this first song 465 00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,340 to my duchess. 466 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,847 You're so lucky. 467 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,309 I'm going to kill you. 468 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,776 Leslie: Lthinkit's time to officially retire 469 00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:38,779 as Ron's emotional guardian. That's Diane's job now, 470 00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:41,532 and she seems more than up to the task. 471 00:20:41,907 --> 00:20:44,160 I mean, I'd do anything for Ron. 472 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,747 Even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife. 473 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:51,876 But I think I'm safe. She's gotta be tired by now. 474 00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,043 Hi. 475 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,339 Officer skorggel. I pulled over 476 00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:00,634 a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically. 477 00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,928 Ran the plates, saw it was your car. 478 00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:04,096 Figured it was stolen. 479 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,991 Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, 480 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:08,434 so I can put you into these handcuffs. 481 00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,895 Yes, please, officer, get her out of those cuffs. 482 00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,646 I want this to be a fair fight. 483 00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:15,524 Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? 484 00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:18,027 Leslie: Ron! 485 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:19,111 There we go. 486 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:24,992 Help.