1 00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:04,588 Ann: Mr. Hotate, hi. Thank you for coming. 2 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:05,711 Would you like some water? 3 00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,258 Water? Like fire water? 4 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,969 That's racist, and I do not appreciate it. 5 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,180 No, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. 6 00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,389 I just meant, you know... 7 00:00:14,473 --> 00:00:15,516 I'm just messing with you. 8 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:17,017 Oh, my god! (Laughs) 9 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,435 He's funny. This guy's funny. 10 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:19,999 He does that sometimes. But seriously. 11 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:21,146 I'll have a whiskey. 12 00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,942 Leslie: Ken hotate is the leader of the wamapoke people, 13 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:28,070 and we are trying to get them involved in our Pawnee commons project. 14 00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:29,696 Ken and I get along great. 15 00:00:29,780 --> 00:00:32,199 But historically, Pawnee's relationship 16 00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:34,743 with the wamapoke has been more... 17 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,703 Murder-y. 18 00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:39,206 What about, and I'm just spitballing here, 19 00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:42,251 a large neon advertisement for the wamapoke casino? 20 00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,670 We have a new slogan that I'm quite proud of, 21 00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:47,381 "our slots are downright filthy." 22 00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:50,008 I think it's a slam-dunk idea. I think we're done here. 23 00:00:50,092 --> 00:00:51,134 I don't think we are. 24 00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:53,112 I don't know if we could put that in a public park. 25 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:56,557 Inthatcase, the playground will be great. 26 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,892 Why don't we retire to my longhouse 27 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,395 and smoke the ceremonial peace pipe to celebrate? 28 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:03,438 (All laughing) 29 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,482 Is he joking? I don't know. 30 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:27,921 Well, well, well. 31 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,966 If it isn't Mr. Best man and bachelor boy. 32 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:34,136 Ann Perkins, maid of honor, are you ready for the bachelorette party? 33 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,429 Uh, more than ready. 34 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:39,182 We've got dancing, jell-o shots, private karaoke, 35 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:42,019 and anything that can be penis-shaped will be penis-shaped. 36 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:43,979 Oh! What? 37 00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:45,689 As Leslie's maid of honor, 38 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,525 I really need her bachelorette party to go well. 39 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,862 Which is why I'm stress-eating gummy penises. 40 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,801 What are you losers doing for your bachelor party? 41 00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:59,870 I told Ben he could do whatever he wants. Sky is the limit. 42 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,998 We have Haverford, Swanson, dwyer... 43 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,708 Jerry forced his way in there somehow... 44 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,418 Things are bound to get crazy. 45 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:10,631 The game is settlers of catan. 46 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:13,717 The object is be the first to build a civilization 47 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,885 on this fictional island. 48 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,648 I can't believe this is what you want to do for your bachelor party. 49 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:20,599 Look, guys, we don't have to play this game if you don't want to. 50 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:24,102 I mean, I'm nationally ranked, so it isn't even really fair. 51 00:02:24,186 --> 00:02:27,397 Ben, this is your night. We do what you want to do. 52 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,232 Come on, let's play. 53 00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,902 I'm not a big bachelor party kind of guy, 54 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,363 so when the guys asked me what my perfect nightwould be, 55 00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:36,573 I told them the truth. Beer and board games. 56 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,159 They thought I was kidding. 57 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,036 I was not kidding. 58 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:43,955 Is this gonna be one of those cool bachelorette parties 59 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:46,249 where things get out of control and we murder someone, 60 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:49,053 and then we all have to take a blood oath to never reveal our secret? 61 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,506 Then I might have to leave early. 62 00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,092 What the hell? 63 00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:00,639 Well, well, well. Don't you ladies look nice... foronce? 64 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:04,017 Just kidding. I've actually always been attracted to this one. 65 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,435 Jamm, what the hell are you doing? 66 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,789 We're laying the groundwork for Pawnee's newest restaurant. 67 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,398 (April reading) 68 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,693 Look, the deal was that both of us 69 00:03:12,776 --> 00:03:14,545 had three months to get our proposals together, 70 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:15,849 and then we put it up for a vote. 71 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,048 We still have two weeks left. 72 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:18,115 Yeah, that's true. 73 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,991 However, here's the problem. 74 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,202 Turns out, I don't care. 75 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:24,788 You can't stop this train. Make all the ruckus you want. 76 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,623 By the time this all gets cleared up, 77 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,084 the people will be frothing at the mouth for that beef. 78 00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:32,212 Aw, sweet! A new paunch burger. (Laughs) 79 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:35,132 Their burgers will kill you! They're full of wasps! 80 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,466 Yeah, but they taste real good. 81 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:37,801 Yes, they do, sir. 82 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,219 Once again, open invitation. 83 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,556 I'm still technically married, but my wife knows the deal. 84 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:43,682 Ugh. 85 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:45,976 Oh, I'm sorry, what's this? 86 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:49,813 Seven contiguous segments, giving me longest road 87 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,149 and a sweet-ass 10 points for the win. 88 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,650 Uh, boo-yah! 89 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,528 Okay. All right. Guys, come on over here. Gather round. 90 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:58,029 I want to propose a toast. 91 00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,657 To our new lord of catan, 92 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,869 Ben Wyatt, a great friend and a wonderful man. 93 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,288 May you and Leslie find eternal happiness together. 94 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,998 Hey. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. 95 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,667 Thanks, you guys. Thanks for indulging me. 96 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:13,462 Hey, you want to stick around? I got a bunch of homeland episodes 97 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,005 burning a hole in my dvr. 98 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:19,634 I'm sorry. On principle, I cannot stand idly by 99 00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,636 and watch a bachelor party Peter out like this. 100 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,306 Now, I know you said no strippers 'cause they make you sad. 101 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:25,474 Correct. 102 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,826 Then let's go get a drink at essence. 103 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,518 It's the hot new bar in eagleton. 104 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,354 Things magazine said it's the next big thing. 105 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:32,805 But, Tom, this is Ben's night. 106 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:35,358 Believe me, if the group's happy, I'm happy. 107 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:36,610 I'd go. If you guys spot me. 108 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:37,694 It sounds expensive. 109 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,322 Just so you know, it's not your typical bar. 110 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,741 They specialize in molecular mixology. 111 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:46,286 It's kind of like an experimental new way to consume alcohol. 112 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,664 Son, there's no wrong way to consume alcohol. 113 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,044 Bartender: Here's your bud light. 114 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,128 I ordered a beer. 115 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:56,213 That is a beer. 116 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,423 And here's your nimbus Martini. 117 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,218 May I go ahead and chisel your aromasphere? 118 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,636 Please! 119 00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:08,600 This is the wrong way to consume alcohol. 120 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,393 Whoa! That's a pretty stiff cloud. 121 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:12,229 Who ordered the scotch? Right here. 122 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,980 Hold out your hands, please. 123 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,236 What's happening? 124 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:23,365 Oh, this is a sort of play on scotch. It's a whiskey-infused lotion. 125 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,325 Can I ask if this entire establishment 126 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:27,494 is a practical joke of some kind? 127 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,222 If you don't like the scotch, they have a vodka 128 00:05:29,246 --> 00:05:31,046 that's served in the form of a flash of light. 129 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,586 Hey. Having fun? 130 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,048 Well, four years of work down the drain, and I have a penis on my head. 131 00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:42,717 Jamm is stealing this lot right out from under us. 132 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:43,844 My dream is dead, Ann. 133 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:44,928 Mine too. 134 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,680 This is why I prefer nightmares. 135 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,640 You are sad drinking right now, 136 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:50,976 and I need you to be happy drinking. 137 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,602 Like when we watch grease together. 138 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,938 I know, Ann, but everything's gonna disappear. 139 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,566 April's mini-dog park, the "li'i" Sebastian fountain, 140 00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:58,984 even the wamapoke playground. 141 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:02,821 Yet another piece of wamapoke land plowed over by the white man. 142 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,531 Just try to forget about it. 143 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,993 I mean, there's nothing you can do to stop them tonight. 144 00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:09,953 Leslie: For almost 200 years, 145 00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:13,456 Pawnee repeatedly built factories, restaurants, and other stuff 146 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,042 on land held sacred by the wamapoke people. 147 00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,461 So we passed a law saying 148 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,547 that if any sacred wamapoke artifact 149 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,716 is found on a development site, 150 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:25,218 all construction must immediately stop. 151 00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,387 It would be terrible if that were to happen 152 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,431 on this future paunch burger site. 153 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,141 (Laughing) 154 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:36,521 Oh, this is bad. 155 00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:39,316 I should not have done this. 156 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,943 (Music playing) 157 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,111 (Door bell ringing) 158 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:45,196 Oh, I wonder who that is. 159 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:49,951 Well, if it isn't babe Lincoln! Imagine that. 160 00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:52,245 Hello, ladies. I'm Abraham Lincoln. 161 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,663 Who's the lucky Mary Todd? 162 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,457 Right here. Right here. 163 00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,541 Uh-uh, uh-uh. Me first. 164 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:57,626 Okay. 165 00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:00,962 All right, tear it up, 16! Emancipate them abs. 166 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,756 (All cheering) 167 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:04,466 Come on, Ann, not now. 168 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,134 Come on, Leslie, just loosen up. 169 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,553 I know for a fact this is a sex dream you've had. 170 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,448 Looks like it's time for the gettysburg undressed! 171 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,473 (Cheering) 172 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:15,393 Okay. And we're gonna have to stop now. 173 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,855 I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood for historical nudity. 174 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,982 Please, Mr. President, put your pants back on. 175 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:22,651 Ann, can I speak with you privately? 176 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,320 Is your name Glenn? Yeah. 177 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:26,756 I sat behind you in middle school band. 178 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,239 Do you still play the clarinet? 179 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,033 Yeah. 180 00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,410 How have you been, man? 181 00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:36,331 Man, if I ever have a bachelor party, 182 00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:37,999 I am definitely coming back here. 183 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,293 You never had one before you were married to Wendy? 184 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:41,698 No, it was a green card wedding. 185 00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:44,148 I did watch the three-way sex scene from wild things a few times 186 00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,174 the night before, but it didn't really count. 187 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,884 Ineverhad a bachelor party either. 188 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,029 Me and April, we got married with no warning. 189 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,430 I didn't even have time to take a shower before my wedding. 190 00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,307 (Laughs) Or after. 191 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:55,767 For, like, a week and a half. 192 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:59,479 Tammy one forbade me from any kind of celebration, 193 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,189 and Tammy two thwarted me by calling in 194 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,358 a bomb threat to the steakhouse. 195 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:06,528 I didn't have one, either! Yeah, really, it's a funny story. 196 00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:08,279 So two weeks before I married Gayle, 197 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:09,906 I had an emergency appendectomy. 198 00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,242 Boop! That's me hitting the snooze button. 199 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,202 Don't talk again for another 10 minutes. 200 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:15,412 New idea! 201 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:19,249 Tonight, everyone gets the bachelor party they never had. 202 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,459 One activity per bachelor. 203 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,628 Welcome to Tom's bachelor party, 204 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,715 held in a white airplane hangar from the ice planet hoth, 205 00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:29,300 replete with dangling, beautiful aerialists. 206 00:08:29,384 --> 00:08:30,385 To Tom Haverford. 207 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:31,553 All: To Tom Haverford! 208 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,471 (Cheering) 209 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:39,185 And to my bride, Rihanna. We truly did find love in a hopeless place. 210 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:42,814 Waiter, a round of light-flash shots for me and my friends! 211 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:44,482 (Guys cheering) 212 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,234 April: Okay, so what happened? 213 00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:49,988 Well, I buried a bunch of wamapoke artifacts in the dirt 214 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,950 so that people would find them and have to stop developing at the site. 215 00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:56,595 You know, when I say it out loud, it doesn't sound so bad. 216 00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:57,620 No, that's bad. 217 00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,764 Yeah, that's pretty uncool. 218 00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,832 Shut up, Glenn. I'm sorry, guys. 219 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,417 Councilman jamm was being sneaky, 220 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,502 and then I tried to sneaky him back, 221 00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,426 and it turned to crummy, and I have to undo it. 222 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,382 I need your help. 223 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:10,800 You don't mean... I do. 224 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,552 No. I'm not doing that. 225 00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,891 You guys, the penis hats cut your digging time in half. 226 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:20,727 I'm serious. Don't be afraid. Use the penises. 227 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,314 Bachelorette party... whoo! 228 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,107 Perkins does it again. 229 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,650 (Sighs) 230 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:31,446 You know, I met gaer right here at sherm's. 231 00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:32,572 Hmm-mmm. 232 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:36,284 She was slender. Blonde hair, big breasts, long legs. 233 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,661 Ugh, not my type at all. 234 00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:41,998 And what was it, exactly, that led to you two hitting it off? 235 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:43,792 Was she ”I, 236 00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:46,711 or did your father witness her father committing a crime? 237 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,397 Or was she temporarily blind... Chris: You know what? 238 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,965 All that matters is that you got married, and you're happy. 239 00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:55,345 So as all-time best man, I suggest we raise a cone to Jerry gergich. 240 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,138 Jerry gergich. All: Jerry! 241 00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,264 Thank you. 242 00:09:58,473 --> 00:09:59,808 Aw, geez. 243 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,476 No worries, Gary. (Laughs) 244 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,061 Oh, thanks, sherm. 245 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,730 How did you have that ready so fast? 246 00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:09,442 I always make a backup cone. He drops it about half the time. 247 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,653 Chris: Andy, you're next. 248 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,780 Any activity in the world. What would you do? 249 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,281 Well, mine's impossible. 250 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:16,825 I want to see a colts game. 251 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:19,119 I want to see the colts beat the patriots 49 to nothing, 252 00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:20,596 then iyell at Tom Brady and make him cry, 253 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,163 then I hook up with Dave Matthews, 254 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:23,873 and we play golden tee for 10 hours. 255 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:24,999 Baby! 256 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:28,086 That's a very specific dream, son. 257 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,922 Hey, Jim, Chris traeger. I need a favor. 258 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:36,594 I'm dead. I am dead. And this is what heaven is like. 259 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:38,596 I knew it. 260 00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:41,266 Tom: Oh, this is where they play the games! 261 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,518 You're up, Andy. 262 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,478 Hey, guys! Guys, come on over here. 263 00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:49,566 Andy, I want you to meet Indianapolis colts owner Jim irsay. 264 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,401 Andy, good to meet you, my friend. 265 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,236 Thank you. I love your team, sir. 266 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,029 I love them like they're my own children. 267 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,673 You're big enough to play football yourself, it looks like to me. 268 00:10:57,740 --> 00:11:00,140 (Laughs) I can't tell ifyou're joking, but I hope you're not. 269 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,620 This whole place is yours. 270 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,289 Chris: Jim lrsay and I became friends 271 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,875 while volunteering to mentor Indianapolis teens. 272 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,877 I gave them tours of the state house. 273 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,046 Jim gave them colts tickets and autographed jerseys. 274 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,174 They preferred Jim. 275 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:17,468 Reggie Wayne. I can't look at you, Reggie Wayne. 276 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,555 (Laughs) I got married in yourjersey. That's no joke. 277 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,932 That's weird. But I respect that. 278 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:24,809 I'm a big fan, Mr. Luck. 279 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,144 Okay, guy, settle down. 280 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,395 Okay. 281 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,439 Mr. Andrew luck, it's every groom's dream 282 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,774 to catch a touchdown pass thrown by you. 283 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:32,901 Could you do me the honor? 284 00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,736 Yeah, let's do it. Keep the spiral tight. 285 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,112 Okay. |'|| try. 286 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:41,784 (All cheering) 287 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,537 Touchdown, dwyer! 288 00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:46,831 Andy! Yeah! 289 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:47,916 Reggie: See ya! 290 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,418 (Singing) Hey, yeah 291 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,253 I wanna shoop, baby 292 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:54,297 shoop 293 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:57,050 here I go, here I go here I go again 294 00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:58,343 girls, what's my weakness? 295 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,011 Men okay then 296 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,180 let's call Ann real quick. Rub it in. 297 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,349 Ann: Hello? 298 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,059 Ann Perkins! Ann Perkins! 299 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:07,393 (Guys screaming) 300 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:08,996 We're having the time of our lives, 301 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,521 and I'm calling you to rub it in! 302 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,398 Really. 303 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:13,483 We went to an insane bar, 304 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,235 played football with the colts. 305 00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,028 With the colts! All: The colts! 306 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:18,196 Football! 307 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,319 Now we're going to a steakhouse. What are you doing? 308 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,284 Uh, well, we're surrounded by hot guys. 309 00:12:23,368 --> 00:12:25,787 We're surrounded by hot guys. Boom! 310 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,873 Oh, donnajust ripped off a stripper's underwear with her teeth. 311 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,625 Whoo! 312 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:31,876 Ann, who are you lying to? 313 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,044 Shh! Tom: No! 314 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:35,213 Can I take a break? My hands are tired. 315 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:38,049 Uh-uh. We paid for an hour. You gonna dig for an hour. 316 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:41,886 Gentlemen, welcome to the steak house of St. elmo. 317 00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:42,971 All: Yes! 318 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,365 Ron: Tonight we eat something's flesh! 319 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,557 I want meat! 320 00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:49,411 Jerry, are you sure this is our table? There's only four settings. 321 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,020 Excuse me, sir. This is not your table. 322 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,790 Well, I thought you said the gergich party. 323 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,607 No, no, I said the gingrich party. 324 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:57,485 (Gasps) Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. 325 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:58,778 Damn it, Jerry. 326 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:02,532 But you know what? Gingrich, gergich. I wonder ifwe're related. 327 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,659 I don't think so, Jerry. 328 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,035 Okay. 329 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:07,996 (Ron laughs) 330 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:10,707 One rare porterhouse, one rare sirloin, and a rasher of bacon. 331 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,126 It's the lord's work you're doing, John. 332 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:16,796 I'd like four more glasses of lagavulin in liquid form. 333 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,649 That's not something you really need to specify. 334 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,508 You'd be surprised. 335 00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:23,636 So, bachelor boy, how's it going with Diane? 336 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,013 Hmm. 337 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:27,265 I'm gonna be very candid with you all. 338 00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:28,850 I like her. 339 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,601 (All exclaiming) 340 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,813 Okay, okay, okay. (Clears throat) 341 00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,607 There are so many things that I could say about Ron, 342 00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:40,695 but I think that the best man's speech should represent the groom. 343 00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,280 So I will just say... 344 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:43,906 To Ron. 345 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,230 Jerry: Oh, to Ron! All: To Ron! 346 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,367 Tom: To Ron. 347 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:48,369 Just perfect. Perfect, Chris. 348 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:49,620 Here you are, sir. 349 00:13:49,704 --> 00:13:51,140 And I thought you might also like to know 350 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,999 that your meal has already been taken care of 351 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,834 by Mr. Hibbert. What? 352 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,044 All: Oh! 353 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:00,757 What's up, jell-o shot? Hey, man. 354 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,009 Roy hibbert. Entertainment 720 reunion. 355 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,093 Hey, Tom. 356 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,638 I am not paying for that guy. He owes me a lot of money. 357 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,057 It's true. 358 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:11,851 Ann: (Sighs) Coffee? 359 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:14,729 Yes, please. Take extra cream, 30 sugars. 360 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:18,941 I can't believe I tried to exploit the wamapoke for my own personal gain. 361 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,651 Well, we got most of the artifacts, 362 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,838 and even if we didn't, they probably won't find them. 363 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,448 Yeah, and if they do, you'll just go to jail. 364 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:28,659 But you can make wine in your toilet and fight people, 365 00:14:28,743 --> 00:14:30,787 which is a super-cool way to live. Oh, my god. 366 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:33,831 Tweep. I tweeped. I called tweep. 367 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,167 Look, I'm telling the truth here, lady. 368 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,544 We haven't found any American Indian artifacts. 369 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,338 Or regular Indian. 370 00:14:40,505 --> 00:14:44,675 Japanese, Muslim, Jewish, none of those weird countries. 371 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,010 Weird countries? 372 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,220 Shauna malwae-tweep. 373 00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:50,098 Wow, (laughs) I'm so glad that you're here. What's going on? Nothing? 374 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:52,725 Found something! There's other stuff, too. 375 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,228 Arrowheads, more pottery. 376 00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,647 I also found some weird-looking gummy candy. 377 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,107 Kathryn: All right, shut it down. 378 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,608 This is a PR nightmare. 379 00:15:00,691 --> 00:15:03,778 We can't do anything until the Indian affairs commission weighs in. 380 00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:05,780 This is (bleep) Bull (bleep) 381 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,491 Okay. 382 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,079 Leslie, Ken hotate is right over there, 383 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:14,914 you need to talk to him before the meeting 384 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,624 and come clean. 385 00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,626 (Groans) He's gonna be so mad. 386 00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:21,421 The zodiac killer never confessed. Why do I have to? 387 00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:23,965 Leslie, I want the Pawnee commons as bad as you do. 388 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,633 Actually, that's not true. 389 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:27,756 You want everything a thousand times more than I do. 390 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,971 But we do not want to win this way. 391 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,223 April, I wish you weren't right, but you are. 392 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:34,350 You have turned into a very beautiful, wise, 393 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,018 and fertile government employee. 394 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,478 Stop. 395 00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:39,957 It's kind of weird when she just starts 396 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:41,482 raining compliments on you, huh? 397 00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:43,317 Don't try to bond with me. 398 00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:45,736 Can't win. 399 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,155 (Laughing) 400 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,490 Hey, guys, I had these t-shirts made. 401 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:53,119 They're not exactly a summary of the party we ended up having. 402 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,704 But they're a good memento. 403 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:55,997 Madness indeed. 404 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,457 I love this! 405 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,251 Usually you can only get board game t-shirts in xxl. 406 00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,170 I just remembered. 407 00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:04,064 We left Jerry back at the gas station in martinsville. 408 00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,339 I'll go get him. 409 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,258 Ah, that guy's the best. 410 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,552 I feel bad he didn't get to have his moment last night. 411 00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:12,263 Hey, you know what we should do for him? 412 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,390 Yeah, get him a pet snake, but I keep it. 413 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,434 What? 414 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:20,354 In 1921, several wamapoke families were removed from their homes 415 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:23,649 so that Pawnee could install a bumper car track. 416 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:27,236 In 1951, Pawnee made it illegal for people to, 417 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,281 "dance or smell like a native American." 418 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:31,866 Why are you telling me all this? 419 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,701 Well, I want to raise the bar of awfulness 420 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,536 so that when I confess something to you, 421 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,787 you have perspective. 422 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:41,209 Those artifacts found at lot 48 were placed there by me. 423 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:43,920 I wanted to delay construction on the paunch burger 424 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,088 and buy some more time for my park project. 425 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,758 That is not great. 426 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,344 It sucks. I'm very, very sorry. 427 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,888 I have great respect for the wamapoke culture. 428 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,731 And this isn't even about the Pawnee commons. 429 00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,683 I just hope that you can forgive me, Ken. 430 00:16:58,643 --> 00:16:59,644 (Sighs) 431 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,396 Hey, guys. What are you doing here? 432 00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:06,192 Congratulations. You have won the award for best man. 433 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,794 Full disclosure... I voted for Ryan gosling, 434 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,237 but you came in a close second. 435 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,738 Now, you've never been married, 436 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,573 so you didn't get your own bachelor party. 437 00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,575 But let's look ahead. 438 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,702 Tom: The year is 2018. 439 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,372 America is thriving under president Nick Cannon, 440 00:17:19,455 --> 00:17:22,500 and tomorrow, Chris traeger's getting married. 441 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,001 Who's the lucky lady? 442 00:17:24,085 --> 00:17:26,837 Maybe she's an upbeat gal who's nuts about fitness. 443 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,048 Maybe she owns ajuice bar in snerling. 444 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:33,261 Maybe it's April. Maybe I die. Skydiving explosion. 445 00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,846 And then you go marry April. 446 00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,098 And it makes me sad, 447 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:39,976 but if she's gonna be with somebody, I'd like it to be you. 448 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,602 Strange, but sweet. 449 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:45,356 Only I didn't really die. I was faking it. And I come back. 450 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,442 I spy on you from my red corvette. 451 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,003 And I'm planning to kick your ass, 452 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,529 but I see how happy you make her, 453 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:55,116 and I have to walk away. I have to. And I do, slowly. 454 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,284 In a rainstorm. 455 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,554 Okay, this isn't really in the spirit of what we're trying to do. 456 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,621 But as time goes by, it eats away at me. 457 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:04,834 You're out living it up with my wife. And I'm alone. 458 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:06,836 In a cave. 459 00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,421 Training. 460 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,798 Anyone else want to chime in? 461 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,426 I thought you were my friend. I thought you were my friend! 462 00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,596 Okay, what we're trying to say is that you are a great guy, 463 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,806 and someday, you're gonna meet somebody 464 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:20,933 who's into all the same stuff that you are. 465 00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:26,647 You know, the old Chris would've loved this super-fit health goddess 466 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:28,649 you guys are talking about. 467 00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,568 But our great adventure reminded me 468 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,087 that now I just want someone that values 469 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,613 the important things in life... 470 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:37,366 Friendships, passion, happiness. And dimples are a plus. 471 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,492 (Laughs) 472 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:41,996 Aw, that's sweet. I forgive you, bro. You take care oprril. 473 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:44,665 After careful examination, 474 00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:47,585 we have determined that these wamapoke artifacts 475 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,962 could not have originated in lot 48. 476 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:52,506 Boom. Knew it. Leslie: There's something else. 477 00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,152 I would like to go on record and say that... 478 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:57,261 Hold on, Ms. Knope. Please. 479 00:18:58,095 --> 00:18:59,680 I would like to go on record. 480 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,599 Speaking as a citizen of Pawnee, 481 00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:03,100 I do not like the way you went back 482 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:04,894 on your deal with councilwoman knope. 483 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:08,898 It reminds me of what the settlers of Pawnee did to my ancestors, 484 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,026 taking their land without permission. 485 00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:14,987 He really plays white people like a fiddle. 486 00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:17,323 Wow, it's amazing to watch. 487 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:18,991 You and Leslie had a deal. 488 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:21,202 If that deal is not restored, 489 00:19:21,285 --> 00:19:25,790 well, I believe there are six paunch burgers in the wamapoke casino. 490 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,627 Perhaps it's time that we revisited those contracts. 491 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,087 Is that a threat? 492 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:35,633 Why, yes, I thought that was obvious. 493 00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,303 Take the sign down. We'll wait until everything's official. 494 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,971 In the spirit of fair play, 495 00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:44,517 I suggest we put on these authentic wamapoke headdresses 496 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,143 and dance around the table. 497 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,939 Absolutely not. That sounds highly offensive. 498 00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:51,649 Does it, white man? 499 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:54,110 No. It's not offensive. 500 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:56,028 So let's do it. You first. 501 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,907 So clearly, this is not offensive. 502 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,200 It is offensive. 503 00:20:01,283 --> 00:20:02,368 I am very sorry. 504 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:03,744 Take it off. 505 00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,121 Hey, Wyatt. 506 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,288 Oh, hey, shauna. 507 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:09,542 So I was chasing this story, but it seems like a dead end. 508 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,586 Then I heard about your crazy rotating bachelor party. 509 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,022 Would you mind if I wrote about it? 510 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,339 Sure. 511 00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:16,590 But is that really news? 512 00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:17,758 To me it is. 513 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:19,427 A group of good friends having fun, 514 00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:20,970 doing nice things for each other. 515 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:24,640 I mean, that's what's important in life, and I want to write about it. 516 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:25,933 Hey, Chris. 517 00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:27,017 Ben Wyatt. 518 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,019 And shauna malwae-tweep. 519 00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:32,022 Hey, shauna's doing a story on our group bachelor party. 520 00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:33,333 She said she wanted to write stories 521 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,985 about good people doing nice things for each other. 522 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,863 So I figured you two might have a lot to talk about. 523 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,157 You may be right about that. 524 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,700 Do you have a second right now? 525 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,662 I have thousands of seconds. Would you like to have lunch? 526 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:50,332 Are you a vegetarian? A vegan? A pescatarian? 527 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,500 Not that it matters. 528 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,668 I like burgers. 529 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:53,836 Perfect. 530 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,173 Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh! 531 00:20:58,007 --> 00:21:00,593 Three-ten, bullock! Three-ten, bullock! 532 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:02,636 Give it to me. 533 00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:04,430 Andy: How great a day was today? 534 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:07,391 Oh, god, I could die. Greatest day of my life. 535 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:10,102 I met Andrew luck today. I met Reggie Wayne today. 536 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,395 I met Jim irsay. 537 00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:14,023 I'm standing on the field. 538 00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:18,152 Lucas oil stadium. And I'm playing football with my friends. 539 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:21,322 (Guys cheering)