1 00:00:02,169 --> 00:00:04,963 I'm gonna get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:06,632 Dealer's choice. Please and thank you. 3 00:00:06,882 --> 00:00:10,511 What can I get you, Ann? I will have oatmeal and berries. 4 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:14,389 And I will have catfish and grits, with pumpernickel toast. 5 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:15,891 Explain. 6 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:19,061 Well, instead of getting swept up in my boyfriends' personalities, 7 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:21,480 I am dating myself and trying new things. 8 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,148 So every time I go out to eat, 9 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:25,400 I order one thing that's typical me 10 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,694 and then something that I would never order. 11 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,297 Now I have two best friends, Ann and Ann. 12 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:30,798 Each one more beautiful than the other. 13 00:00:30,822 --> 00:00:35,244 Oh, I also have been documenting all the new things I'm trying on my blog. 14 00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:37,621 Check this out. I went skydiving. 15 00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:38,914 (Screaming) 16 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:43,502 Which Ann is screaming like a maniac? Oatmeal Ann or catfish Ann? 17 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,588 I'm not sure, because I instantly blacked out from extreme terror. 18 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,549 (Screaming) 19 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,989 Leslie: Hey, I have an idea for your blog. 20 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,466 I think you should take yourself ice-skating. 21 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:14,616 That sounds fun. 22 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:16,678 Yeah, we'll do a double date. You and you, and me and Ben. 23 00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:18,596 But I have to warn you, I'm very good at ice-skating. 24 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,860 I can do jumps. You know what? I probably shouldn't come. 25 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,058 I'll embarrass the both of you. 26 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,668 Actually, I know what my next activity is gonna be. 27 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,753 And it's a biggie. 28 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:28,255 I want to be a mom. 29 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:31,466 I'm going to the sperm bank today. Can you come? 30 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:32,843 Wow, today? 31 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:37,306 Ann, you know that I fully support any woman's decision, 32 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:40,100 especially a beautiful unicorn-nurse like yourself, 33 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,269 in creating the family that she wants. 34 00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:45,063 But you are so brilliant and kind and stupid hot. 35 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,291 I mean, you're definitely gonna find 36 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:48,567 a wonderful guy who loves you and respects you 37 00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:51,069 and fills your home with multi-ethnic genius babies. 38 00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,196 Maybe, or maybe not. 39 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:57,701 You hit the lottery with Ben, and that's great, but not everybody's so lucky. 40 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,620 I've wanted to be a mom for a long time, 41 00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,663 I'm ready, and I think I'd be good at it. 42 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,751 Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. 43 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,629 And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. 44 00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:12,132 If she were dating a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, 45 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:15,969 I'd be like, "congratulations, Ann, and Channing Tatum." 46 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:18,847 Because that is the only scenario that would make sense to me. 47 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:22,017 What a gorgeous herbaceous medley. 48 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:26,271 There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats. 49 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,649 Salad is traditionally the first course at a wedding. 50 00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:30,651 Is a gerbil marrying a rabbit? 51 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,040 Ben: I'm in charge of food for the wedding. 52 00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:37,449 So I brought in Pawnee's three best caterers and a panel of experts. 53 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:41,036 Chris loves vegetables. Ron loves meat. 54 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:43,664 And Tom considers himself a foodie, 55 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:47,376 which apparently means taking instagrams of food instead of eating it. 56 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,836 Okay, so I liked number one, 57 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:53,674 Chris liked numbertwo, and Ron liked number three. 58 00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:55,509 Tom, what about you? 59 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:59,554 Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mmm, yet exhausting. 60 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:03,016 Number two's was subtle and provocative, 61 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,394 like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret. 62 00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:07,062 Nothing you're saying is helpful. 63 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,897 But number three's told a story. 64 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:13,944 A story from a book I wouldn't read, but I would watch the movie of. 65 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,028 Ben: That's nonsense. 66 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,906 You know what? I'm gonna go with the first place. 67 00:03:17,989 --> 00:03:19,241 Ireahyloved thatappefizer 68 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:20,575 oh, the mini-calzone? 69 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:23,537 Iwouldn't call it that. It was more like a savory pastry. 70 00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:28,583 Delicate little dough pocket filled with tomato sauce, cheese, and seasoned meat. 71 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,836 Just a stunning culinary innovation. 72 00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,170 It was a calzone. 73 00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,423 It was literally just a small calzone. 74 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,051 Let me just get some details for your file. Now, are you two a couple? 75 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,971 No. Tragically, we are both heterosexual. (Laughs) 76 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,432 So, Ann, what are you looking for in particular? 77 00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:45,642 Some sperm. 78 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,145 I meant in terms of a donor. 79 00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:52,065 You know, nice guy, nice sperm. 80 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,749 Flip through this binder, make a note of anyone who interests you, 81 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,278 and I'll be back shortly. 82 00:03:57,028 --> 00:04:00,073 Oh! This guy went to Harvard! So did the unabomber. 83 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:02,200 This guy seems healthy. Loves cycling. 84 00:04:02,284 --> 00:04:05,454 Yeah, so did Lance Armstrong, and he turned out to be a lying drug user. 85 00:04:05,537 --> 00:04:07,539 Or a hero. I don't know where we stand on him now. 86 00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,333 Hello, ladies. Fancy meeting you here. 87 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:12,377 Whoa, sewage Joe. 88 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,713 Wow, Ann, you remember Joe fantringham. 89 00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:17,516 He is the gentleman who was fired for emailing a picture of his penis 90 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:18,759 to every woman in city hall. 91 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,511 Guilty. Yeah, that's what the judge said. 92 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:25,015 Joe, you are a donor here, huh? Did you hear that, Ann? 93 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,518 Big time, me and all my buddies. Free money, free porn. 94 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:29,895 Bestjob I ever had. 95 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,313 Also, 96 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:35,650 if you're looking to buy some weed, I'm looking as well. 97 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,153 Yup. Shall we? 98 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:43,533 Okay, Leslie knope outfit number eight. 99 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,368 Babe, youlook superhot 100 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,496 you realize you've said that about all of them? 101 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,332 Well, she has, every single time. 'Cause she is super hot. 102 00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:53,001 Honestly, you'd look hotnaked. 103 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:56,421 Ugh! This suit makes me want to scold a catholic child. 104 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:59,758 I don't know who Ann Taylor is, but I hate her and I want to kill her. 105 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,761 I have to lead a public forum for the Pawnee commons 106 00:05:02,844 --> 00:05:06,264 every day this week, and I hate talking to people. 107 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,058 So, to get through it, 108 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,685 I figured I'm just gonna basically try to imitate Leslie. 109 00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,146 She still wears this. 110 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:16,399 She had the patch sewn in. You can't remove it. 111 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,151 What's in the pocket, you ask? 112 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:23,156 A ticket stub from a fleetwood Mac concert in 1995, and... 113 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:29,120 This one is terrible, but it is slightly less terrible than the rest. 114 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:33,959 So tomorrow, I lead a public forum in Leslie's fleetwood Mac sex pants. 115 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,253 Fleetwood Mac sex pants. New band name. I call it. 116 00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:39,506 Ooh, you know what? Maybe just fleetwood Mac. 117 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,592 So what's the next move? 118 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,029 Is there, like, a better sperm bank in eagleton or something? 119 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,973 Mmm, you don't want a demon baby. Look, you're Ann Perkins. 120 00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,767 Sperm that is worthy of your perfect eggs does not grow on trees. 121 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,521 I think, ideally, you'd want to know the guy, right? 122 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,399 You'd want to know his personality, his favorite season of friends, 123 00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:59,985 whether or not he hates jazz... hopefully, he does. 124 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,069 You'd want to know him. 125 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:03,613 Yes, Leslie, you're totally right. 126 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,615 I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna make a list 127 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,076 of all the guys I already know who could be donors. 128 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,703 And then, I'm gonna call them 129 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,390 and tell them I'm doing some blog entry on men's health or something. 130 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,833 I can interview them and ask them whatever I want. 131 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,168 You're a genius! This is your idea, andlloveit 132 00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:19,045 I'll call you later. 133 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,266 Leslie: Ifl don't slow this baby train down, 134 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,633 Ann may end up having a baby with some random weirdo 135 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,385 instead of her soul mate. 136 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,348 I fully believe that a woman should be in charge 137 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,805 of what happens to her body. 138 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,308 In this case, the body is Ann's, 139 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:33,143 and the woman in charge of it is me. 140 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,732 I was up all night brainstorming and this is the complete official list 141 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,317 of candidates for Ann's baby daddy. 142 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,403 Wow, how did you come up with these three names? 143 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:46,740 Well, I eliminated everyone in a relationship and the obvious "no's", 144 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,783 like knuckle-hair Dave from hr. 145 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:50,011 I don't mind the knuckle hair. 146 00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:51,286 I just think he's a dick. Yeah. 147 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,996 And I was left with those three guys. 148 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:56,625 Don't forget, they don't know about the sperm donor thing. I don't want them to know. 149 00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:58,436 I told them I was interviewing them for a blog. 150 00:06:58,460 --> 00:06:59,900 Here comes the first one. Dr. Harris! 151 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,087 Hey, there he is. Hi. 152 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:02,672 Ann, Leslie. 153 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,536 Small office. Mine's way bigger. 154 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,761 Is this gonna take long? Got a patient coming in. 155 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,637 No, not at all. Please have a seat. 156 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,847 Actually, maybe you should check in on your patient. 157 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:13,099 I know that I hate it when my doctor makes me wait. 158 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,269 Guy's got a spinal fracture. He's not going anywhere. 159 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,772 Ooh. The seats in my office are leather. 160 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,023 Okay. 161 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:25,362 Chris? 162 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,238 I'm dying. 163 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:31,159 I was dying earlier today. And then I died. 164 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:32,869 Now I'm dead. 165 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:36,164 I had to cancel a date with shauna malwae-tweep. 166 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:37,832 And I really like her. 167 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:41,002 Do you think she'll still like me now that I'm dead? 168 00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:42,587 What is this? 169 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,924 It's food poisoning. I have it too. 170 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:48,468 I did not sleep for one second last night. 171 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,720 And I cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl. 172 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,222 Oh, god, don't say that. 173 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,932 Has anybody talked to Tom? 174 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:57,143 I can't even imagine what that tiny little man must be feeling like. 175 00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:01,314 I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last 12 hours alone. 176 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,483 He might have just disappeared off the earth. 177 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:06,277 We need to call him. We must reach out to him. 178 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,117 I can't do it. 179 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,035 (Grunts) 180 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:25,505 Ben, extension 7820. 181 00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:34,264 (Touch-tones beeping) 182 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:41,104 Hello, everyone. I'm April ludgate from the parks department. 183 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:45,400 And welcome to a public forum about the Pawnee commons. 184 00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:50,447 As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford, 185 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,824 "Hillary Clinton is great." 186 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:57,037 Now, if you all would kindly look under your chairs, 187 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,080 you will find a special surprise. 188 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:03,960 A flyer with details about the project, and friendship bands 189 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,421 that I've made for each and every one of you. 190 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,799 So now, I guess we're park pals. 191 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,593 You should see the booger under this chair. 192 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,802 Andy. 193 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:16,181 It's nice to see you again, Ann. I was happy to get the call. 194 00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:18,183 Yeah, Pete, you look great. Aw. 195 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:21,061 So are you still dunking basketballs? 196 00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:25,023 You know, I'm a lot more than just a former high school basketball star. 197 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,484 I teach marketing over at Pawnee community college. 198 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,444 Oh, that's great. Yeah. 199 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,197 Would you say you value education? 200 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,617 I see what's going on here. 201 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,744 You want my sperm. 202 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,205 What? What are you talking about? 203 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:43,333 When will women in this town stop scheming to get my sperm? 204 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,376 Wow! 205 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,670 That son of a bitch is astute. 206 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:50,548 Okay, all I need to do is just shoot one more person down 207 00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:51,883 and then I can buy some time 208 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:55,303 and convince Ann to wait for her own Ben-level soul mate. 209 00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:58,598 The last guy is Howard tuttleman. 210 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,226 I know that name. How do I know that name? 211 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:05,063 I know it's a winter's morn, but it feels like a summer's Eve, 212 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,524 'cause the douche is in the building. 213 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,817 What's up, ladies? 214 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:12,821 (Signing) 215 00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:13,905 Whoa! 216 00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,616 Smells like some vomit took a dump in here. What happened? 217 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,868 We got food poisoning, Tom. 218 00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,663 Ugh! How do you not have food poisoning? 219 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,748 Because he didn't eat anything. 220 00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:27,085 He just took pictures and talked about the "wow" factor. 221 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,587 Not true. I ate everything you did. Are you sure? 222 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,382 Is there anything that you didn't eat? Oh, yeah. 223 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,092 I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. 224 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,969 Haver-food rule number six. 225 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,763 Never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. 226 00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:41,307 Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid. 227 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:46,187 The calzones betrayed me? Never again, guys. 228 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:49,399 As god as my witness, they're dead to me. 229 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,484 All right, well, Tommy feels great. 230 00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,361 And I'm about to go eat some lasagne. 231 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,571 Peace! 232 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:56,948 (Gags) 233 00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,242 I'm afraid this park will raise my taxes. 234 00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,536 Ah, well, fear not. 235 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,581 Between the normal parks budget and our corporate partners... 236 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,625 I'm also afraid the park will be noisy, and full of spiders. 237 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:11,087 And dark at nighttime. I'm scared of a lot of stuff. 238 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:15,008 Everything's fine. I'm fine. I'm Walter, and I'm fine. 239 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,135 Is this gonna be a topless park? 240 00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:19,554 I don't think there are topless parks. 241 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:22,974 Well, let's build the first one and be heroes. 242 00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:26,477 If this is going to be a topless park, I won't sign your petition. 243 00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:31,065 If she's going to the topless park, I'm not signing the topless park petition. 244 00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,528 You know, I take that back, I'm still in. What's up? I'm Harris. 245 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:38,573 Yeah, yeah. Forget whatever that Pawnee commons is. 246 00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:42,202 I'm with that pervert. Topless park! Topless park! 247 00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:43,536 Topless park! 248 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,996 Men: Topless park! 249 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:46,581 Where'd you go to school again? 250 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,083 Northwestern. I studied semiotics. 251 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,377 Wrote a thesis on narrative forms in the digital world. 252 00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:55,465 Then you became a morning shock jock and created the sport "taintball"? 253 00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:56,591 (Laughs) 254 00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,384 Yeah. You know, the douche persona 255 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,148 is something I came up with during college. 256 00:12:00,178 --> 00:12:01,888 It started as satire, 257 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,824 and, you know, we snowballed to where we are today. 258 00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:06,243 I mean, I know it's a silly thing to do, but it pays the bills. 259 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,287 Well, I think, you probably need to get back to the studio, 260 00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:10,688 play some fartjokes, make fun of some immigrants... 261 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,900 Actually, a farting immigrant segment would be really funny. 262 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,944 (Grunting and mimicking farting) 263 00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,029 (Chuckles) Good looking out, Leslie. 264 00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:22,116 You guys ever want to do this again, sans clothing, give me a shout. 265 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,868 Gross. That was the douche talking. 266 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,430 Honestly, good luck on this project. It sounds really interesting. 267 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,623 I'm gonna scan a quick pic of them boobies 268 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:31,668 for a little deposit in "El banco de spanko." 269 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,420 That was the douche talking. Douche nation. 270 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,256 You guys know where the library is? 271 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:37,465 Wow! 272 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,717 Okay, that's not gonna work. Back to the drawing board. 273 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:41,844 No need. I choose Howard. 274 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,239 You want to have a baby with the douche? 275 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,306 His name's Howard tuttleman, Leslie. 276 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:48,268 And I know he plays that obnoxious character on the radio, 277 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:50,937 but he's a good guy, his family is healthy, 278 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,605 and he is successful and smart. 279 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,565 Ann, you cannot be serious. 280 00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:56,401 I am. And I've made my decision. 281 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,610 I am sure of it. 282 00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:58,820 (Sighs) Okay. 283 00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:01,572 Douche! Hey, douche! 284 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:04,742 Councilman howser. Councilwoman knope. 285 00:13:05,243 --> 00:13:06,244 'Sup, Leslie? 286 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:09,247 You wanna funkthisjunk in the back of my trunk? (Chuckles) 287 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:10,665 That was the douche talking. 288 00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:13,376 Okay, look, Ann is not interviewing you for her blog. 289 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,420 She's thinking about having a baby, 290 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:18,548 and she's considering you as a possible donor. 291 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,008 Wow! 292 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,092 Whoo! 293 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,320 You know, I've thought a lot about having kids. 294 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:26,639 It's the next big step in this grand adventure that we call life. 295 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:29,267 Frankly, I don't think you would be the right man for the job. 296 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,477 Well, frankly, I don't think it's for you to decide. 297 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,205 You know, if we had a little girl, 298 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,273 I would name her Elizabeth, after my grandmother. 299 00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:37,775 She was this strong, amazing woman. 300 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,112 And if we had a boy, I don't know, I'd name him something funny, 301 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,531 like "dick" or "o.J." (Laughs) 302 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:45,658 Guess I have a lot to consider. 303 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,201 Leslie: My god. 304 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:50,371 I have driven Ann right into the belly of the douche. 305 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,042 Hey, what's up? Oh, nothing. 306 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:55,918 I was listening to the radio on my way here, 307 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,628 and I heard something very interesting. 308 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:01,883 The douche: So, crazy ira, remember that chick Ann I used to... 309 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:02,967 (Woman moaning) 310 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:05,803 Ira: Yeah, she was smoking hot! (Farting) 311 00:14:06,387 --> 00:14:10,600 Turns out, she wants to have my baby. 312 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,310 (Woman moaning) (Baby crying) 313 00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:16,356 Anyway, her iesbo friend tells me she's on the prowl for some baby beans, 314 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:20,276 and it's down to me and some other turd-munchers. (Farting) 315 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:22,695 Wow! 316 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,365 You should be angry. I can't believe Howard did that to you. 317 00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:28,326 I can't believe you did that to me. 318 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:32,246 I am making a very important life decision, and you betrayed me. 319 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,183 Because I thought you were making a huge mistake. 320 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,751 Look, I get it. I know you're frustrated with dating, 321 00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:38,554 and you think you're not gonna meet someone, 322 00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:41,546 but two years ago, I didn't think I would meet someone like Ben, and I did. 323 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:45,009 My idea of a perfect family does not require a soul mate. 324 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,012 I want a baby, that's it, accept it. 325 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,138 (Knocking on door) 326 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,891 Councilman Milton, do we have a meeting? No, no, no. 327 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:54,852 I just wanted to toss my name into the ring, 328 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:58,439 in respect to this Indian woman's vagina. 329 00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:02,735 Hey, how was the forum? 330 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:06,155 Um, crappy. We only got four signatures. 331 00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:10,034 Two of them were me and Andy, and one of them said "farts mccool." 332 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,621 I just don't know how Leslie can be Leslie all the time. 333 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,332 I was her for two hours and I want to die. 334 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,420 Well, you know what? We've got another forum today. 335 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,088 Let's just hop back in that saddle. 336 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,066 What should I do? Should I wear a blonde wig? 337 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,259 Oh, my god, yes. That would be so hot. 338 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:29,303 Andy. If you think... if you... Do you think it would help? 339 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:30,972 I mean, if you think it'd help you. 340 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:32,557 (Sighs) 341 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,410 Chris: Well, I'm feeling so much better. 342 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:37,353 Almost no weird stuff snuck out of my body last night. 343 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:41,023 And I feel like the emptiness of my stomach is gonna lead to a pretty epic breakfast. 344 00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:42,316 Guys, what do I do? 345 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,404 My choice almost killed us, and we can't agree on another one, so... 346 00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,866 Maybe there's a catering company in snerling that we should look into. 347 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:53,369 No, it has to be from Pawnee. I just know that's what Leslie wants. 348 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,455 I got it. This might sound crazy, 349 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:58,416 but Jean-ralphio has started a catering company. 350 00:15:58,624 --> 00:15:59,667 He has? 351 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,628 Now, granted, he is currently standing trial for counterfeiting Euros, 352 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,715 but the trial's gonna be over quick. He's definitely guilty. 353 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,383 Ugh! Forget it. 354 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,137 Dry toast and half a grapefruit for Chris. Thank you. 355 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,055 Egg whites for Ben. Thank you. 356 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:14,807 Egg whites for Tom, 357 00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:18,478 and pretty much everything we make for Ron. 358 00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,229 And don't you go sneaking off. 359 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,398 I'm sending home some free waffles for Leslie. 360 00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,650 Thanks, jj. You're the best. 361 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:33,034 Okay, we're back. We got an update on "operation baby douche." 362 00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,327 (Laughs) 363 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,288 All right, special guest is councilwoman Leslie knope. 364 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,582 How are you, les? Woman on recording: Me so horny. 365 00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,210 That was not me. That was a farcical sound effect. 366 00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:43,628 Did she say "fartsicle"? 367 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:44,712 (Laughs) 368 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:47,798 The fartsicle. Frozen farts you can eat. 369 00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:50,593 Put it in your face-mouth! (Fart sound effect plays) 370 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,720 Child on recording: It's cold and it smells. 371 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:54,514 God, how did you make that so fast? 372 00:16:54,597 --> 00:16:57,767 Anyway, look, I am here because I want you to stop talking 373 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,268 about my friend's womb. 374 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:00,952 Sorry, councilwoman. I'm in it to win it. 375 00:17:00,978 --> 00:17:02,855 The douche is gonna be a daddy. 376 00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,942 And crazy ira's gonna be the creepy uncle. 377 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,318 Okay, all right. (Laughs) 378 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:10,321 Look, she is a wonderful person, and she does not deserve this. 379 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:11,447 So I need you to lay off. 380 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,949 Okay, I will lay off 381 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,786 if you can survive one round with breasty Bertha in... 382 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,872 Both: The jell-o pit! 383 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,500 Bill cosby: (On recording) Rudy! Get in the jell-o. 384 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,378 Okay, I am a city councilwoman, so I am not gonna jell-o wrestle. 385 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:26,462 I mean, this is fun. 386 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,982 Don't you want your constituents to know that you got a fun side? 387 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:30,550 Yeah, show your fun sides. 388 00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:32,233 This is not about me and my constituents! 389 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,428 This is about you talking about my friend. 390 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,323 All right, I will stop talking about your friend 391 00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:38,182 if you get in that jell-o for one second 392 00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:39,767 and say, "Rudy." Bill cosby: Rudy. 393 00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,561 'Cause of the cosby show. Classic. 394 00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:42,645 Classic. 395 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,164 Fine, I will stand there for one second 396 00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:45,332 and say it, and then we're done. 397 00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:46,649 Fair's fair. Fair's fair. 398 00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:49,193 Bill cosby: Somebody get me a pudding pop. 399 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,528 Both: Oh! 400 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,655 Yeah! Yeah! 401 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,283 Rudy. There, happy? 402 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,368 No, say it like bill cosby. 403 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,580 (Impersonating bill cosby) Rudy. 404 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,707 I don't know. Yeah! 405 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,792 Oh, she's touching her boobs now. 406 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:06,669 No, I'm not. I'm just standing here. 407 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,992 And I am leaving, just like you're gonna leave Ann alone. 408 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:10,548 (Grunts) (Both laughing) 409 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:13,134 She's in there! She's into it now! 410 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:15,803 Bill cosby: Rudy has fallen into the jell-o. 411 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:19,849 Theo, now there's jell-o all over my favorite sweater. 412 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,852 Crazy ira: And the gold medal goes to Leslie knope! 413 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:27,148 Okay, can you give me that bag? I have to go change into my Leslie suit. 414 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,774 You got it, babe. 415 00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:30,484 Thanks. 416 00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,571 Andy! What? 417 00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,573 This is the wrong bag. What? 418 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,117 This bag is full of fruit roll-ups and baseball cards. 419 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,994 I don't have my Leslie pantsuit, 420 00:18:40,077 --> 00:18:41,912 or my Leslie headband, or my Leslie notes. 421 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:44,081 I can't do this meeting without my Leslie stuff. 422 00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,458 Honey, I am so sorry. Andy! 423 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:46,876 I guess I must have screwed up. 424 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,399 Look, youlook amazing in this outfit. 425 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,511 Plus you're the smartest person on the planet. 426 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,600 I think you can do this just being yourself. 427 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:53,716 (Groans) 428 00:18:56,844 --> 00:19:01,057 Yeah, so how much money is this whole Pawnee commons project gonna cost me? 429 00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:02,475 Uh, good question. 430 00:19:02,558 --> 00:19:05,603 40% will be coming from our corporate partners, 431 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,563 and another 30%... Excuse me, ma'am. 432 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,148 I didn't ask for a math lesson. 433 00:19:09,357 --> 00:19:11,651 So why don't you just tell me how much it's gonna cost me? 434 00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:12,818 And don't use numbers. 435 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:17,323 Look, you won't have to pay any extra money, okay? 436 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:20,701 And don't ever call me "ma'am" again. Thanks. Next question. 437 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:23,788 Yeah, I wanted to talk more about that topless park idea 438 00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,831 that a local hero brought up yesterday. 439 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:27,875 Yeah, there's not gonna be a topless park, Harris. 440 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,460 Nobody wants your creepy stoner eyes 441 00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:33,130 staring at them while they're enjoying a park, okay? Stop being gross. 442 00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,717 Yeah. Shut me down! 443 00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:40,262 You scare me, and I gotta say, I kinda dig that. 444 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,390 What's your deal? 445 00:19:43,099 --> 00:19:44,392 She's married to me. 446 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,394 Ann: I heard you on the radio. 447 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:48,854 Thanks for doing that. Got dicey. 448 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,815 But they did invite me to participate 449 00:19:50,898 --> 00:19:54,402 in their topless jell-o-lympics... So that's something. 450 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,863 It is possible that you were right. 451 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:03,369 This is obviously a huge decision, and I should take my time. 452 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:04,829 I want you to be happy, you know? 453 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,122 I guess I just didn't consider 454 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,766 that you would take a different path than I did. 455 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:11,127 I tried to impose my dream on you, and that's wrong. 456 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,253 And I'm sorry. 457 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:15,065 But I think you do need to take a little bit more time with this decision. 458 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:17,383 Maybe employ a more methodical approach. 459 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:20,761 One that involves color-coded binders. 460 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:25,766 Is that a drawing of my reproductive system saying "let's do this"? 461 00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:29,603 The knope way involves a lot of uterine cartoons. What can I tell you? 462 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:32,773 Besides, what is more cuter-us than your uterus? 463 00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:35,127 (Laughs) You ready, Ann? Yeah, I'm ready. 464 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,569 We're in it now. Yes, we are. 465 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,112 Let's make a baby together. 466 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,322 You should phrase that differently. Right. 467 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,243 Are you sure you're cool with jj's diner 468 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:47,496 catering what you've referred to as "the wedding of the millennium"? 469 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:49,165 Are you kidding me? 470 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,792 I thought that I could not love you any more than I already did. 471 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,002 But I was dead wrong. 472 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,547 Is that smoke? 473 00:20:58,466 --> 00:21:01,802 Hey! What are you doing? Celebrating. 474 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,305 We got 80 signatures and, like, 30 complaints 475 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:05,890 of excessive rudeness, but who cares? 476 00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:07,617 (Laughs) Yeah, you should have seen her, Leslie. 477 00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:10,436 She was awesome. So smart, so hot, so mean. 478 00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:12,831 I wanted to bone her right there in that dirty church basement. 479 00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:14,940 No, what are you doing? 480 00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:17,610 Uh, we are burning this awful pantsuit. 481 00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:19,987 That's mine. I wanted that back. 482 00:21:20,905 --> 00:21:23,545 Well, frankly, you should have thought of that before we burned it.