1
00:00:02,211 --> 00:00:05,923
So, I hope I have not overloaded
you with my 35-point presentation

2
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,174
on Pawnee commons,

3
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:10,636
but I think if I could sum
up this project in one word,

4
00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,347
it would be "dynamite."

5
00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:16,141
"Dynamite" stands for daring,
youth-friendly,

6
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:18,977
"natural, amazing,
merry, inviting,

7
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:22,105
"tourist attraction-y,
and eco-friendly."

8
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:25,192
Thank you, councilwoman knope.
Very, very thorough

9
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:26,276
and so many acronyms.

10
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,402
I know.

11
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,339
Dexhart: Councilman jamm?
Jamm: Thank you, bill.

12
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,823
No, please, everyone be seated.

13
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:34,910
Let the record show
there was a standing ovation.

14
00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:36,745
No, there wasn't. There was not.

15
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:38,038
History will decide.

16
00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,290
My plan for lot 48 is simple.

17
00:00:40,582 --> 00:00:43,752
But why read it when you
can shove it right in your face?

18
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,672
I want to sell this lot to
paunch burger. Here's why.

19
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,590
We make money. They make money.

20
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,468
Mmm-hmm. They make
burgers. We eat burgers.

21
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:55,722
That's a win-win-win-win.
Presentation over. Jamm out.

22
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:56,807
Councilman: Oh, man.

23
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,618
Are there curly fries?
I love their curly fries.

24
00:00:58,642 --> 00:00:59,768
Ann.

25
00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:02,354
Well, the planning commission
has a week to decide

26
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:05,357
if they want a beautiful,
innovative community park

27
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,484
or a bunch of greasy lard bombs.

28
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,777
I'm not editorializing.

29
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:13,031
Paunch burger's number-one-selling
burger is the greasy lard bomb.

30
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,492
Just give me a hint as to
which way you guys are leaning.

31
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,536
Off the record?
We're leaning towards jamm.

32
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:19,746
Why? You know my plan
is better for the community.

33
00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:23,292
Oh, it's way better,
but you're also short $50,000.

34
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:25,460
We can't approve
an underfunded project.

35
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:28,297
Hey, get the rest of the
money, you get your park.

36
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:29,798
You only have a week.

37
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:33,677
Just a couple of questions for the
registry. Wedding date, may 16th.

38
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,262
How many guests are we inviting?

39
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:36,972
Uh, about100. 25,000.

40
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,491
We're having
a little bit of a dispute.

41
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:39,867
I want to invite
everyone in the town

42
00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:41,393
and every sitting
member of congress,

43
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,121
and Ben's being
a little stubborn about it.

44
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,438
Just 100.

45
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,791
What are we going to do, guys?
How are we going to get that money?

46
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,192
Hey, come on.
Cheer up, little pups.

47
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:52,529
Registering for your wedding is the
most important moment of your lives.

48
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:56,074
Love_. Love fades
away. But things?

49
00:01:57,326 --> 00:01:58,493
Things are forever.

50
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:01,038
That's beautiful.
Did the Dalai Lama say that?

51
00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:03,624
Ooh! A citrus reamer!

52
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,709
Ah! This is the only
way to ream citrus.

53
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:06,894
You're gonna need two of these.

54
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,318
I don't want a citrus reamer.
I don't want any of this stuff.

55
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:13,842
Look, all I want is to be married to
you and to somehow get $50,000.

56
00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:15,969
Hey, hang on.

57
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:19,306
What if we register for the
park instead of the stuff?

58
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:24,144
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ben, it's not stuff. It's things.

59
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:28,231
Don't listen to him, things.
You're wonderful, and I love you.

60
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,609
Okay, this is a good
idea. Explain. Okay.

61
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:33,987
We could organize a black-tie
gala with food and music

62
00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,906
and maybe a silent
auction to raise money.

63
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,825
Yeah, and people could donate,
or they could bid to put their names

64
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,453
on everything in the park,
like benches, cobblestones,

65
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:42,996
trees, ants, air.

66
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,307
Right, some of that is possible.

67
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:45,874
Okay. You are a
genius. Let's go.

68
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,042
Hey, guys.

69
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,295
I'm really feeling
these sheets, very cozy.

70
00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:13,902
I just want to say thank you
for all your hard work this week.

71
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,946
Give yourseres a hand. Hey!

72
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,073
Butyour applause is premature.

73
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,324
You just told us to applaud.

74
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,689
Well, if I told you to jump
off a bridge, would you do it?

75
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:23,120
I hope so, because the only way

76
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,483
that this gala
is going to happen

77
00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,738
is if you do everything I say.

78
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:28,625
Tom, I need you to contact three
more food vendors on this list,

79
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,894
and they need to do it for free.

80
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:32,254
I'm omelet. Get it?
"I'm on it," "I'm omelet"?

81
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,732
I get it, and I love it, but I don't
have time for food puns right now.

82
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,036
Okay, I'm heading out. Good-pie.

83
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,342
(Laughs) Go.

84
00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:39,678
"Gurt." gogurt. I'm incredible.

85
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:41,722
Seeyou, guys okay. Donna, jewy_.

86
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,807
(Siren wailing) Chris: Leslie!

87
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,993
Leslie, we need you back at
the command center right now!

88
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:47,377
We have a class one
city emergency.

89
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:50,439
Oh, my god. Gayle. My girls!

90
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,940
What's the emergency?

91
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,442
Oh, this is just a drill,

92
00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:55,336
but I am having so much fun
pretending it's real.

93
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,445
Are you kidding me?

94
00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,328
The disaster preparedness
people picked today?

95
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,824
Leslie: Each year every city
in Indiana is reviewed

96
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,243
by the department
of emergency preparedness.

97
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:06,580
And Pawnee has
failed 12 years in a row.

98
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,707
On last year's report,
they stated,

99
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:11,334
"every time it so much
as drizzles in Pawnee,

100
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,044
"the town is in
danger of collapsing

101
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:15,589
"into thunderdome-style,
post-apocalyptic mayhem."

102
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,009
Ben: Okay, we don't know how
long Leslie's going to be gone,

103
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,136
so let's just knock
some of this stuff off.

104
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,555
Should someone stop Jerry?

105
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:26,183
Gaer!

106
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,561
Meh. He'll figure
it out eventually.

107
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,189
Andy: First, we do
the written exam,

108
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,357
and then we do
the personality evaluation,

109
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:37,011
which I feel like I'm gonna
nail, 'cause people always say,

110
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,196
"but he's got
a great personality."

111
00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:41,615
Okay, quiz me.

112
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:46,077
Okay, what does it mean
when an officer calls in a 35-42?

113
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:48,163
Assault and battery.
The way I remember that,

114
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:52,375
I picture 35 salt
shakers and 42 batteries.

115
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,711
Great. What is
the criminal code for arson?

116
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,338
Arson is 533.

117
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,565
You know how I remember that?

118
00:04:57,589 --> 00:05:01,343
I picture 533 salt shakers and
batteries lighting a building on fire.

119
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,761
Oh! I'm nervous.

120
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:04,471
Babe, look at me.

121
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:05,889
You are going to pass this test,

122
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:07,390
and you are going
to become a cop.

123
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:09,935
And if you don't,
I'll just divorce you

124
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:13,396
and marry someone else and then
cheat on them with you. (Chuckung)

125
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,773
(Kisses) That's so sweet.

126
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,691
Also, I got you a lucky charm.

127
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,629
I found a dead rabbit
on the side of the road,

128
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,464
and I cut its feet off and
made it into a lucky charm.

129
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,032
Baby, you are so creepy.

130
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,201
Thank you. I love it.

131
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,787
Man: Dwyer, you're up.

132
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:30,956
My name is Leonard tchulm.

133
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,875
I'm head of the Indiana department
of emergency preparedness.

134
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:37,045
And today I'm going to bring
death and destruction to your town.

135
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:40,298
I am Leslie knope. I am
the Pawnee emergency czar.

136
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,151
And this year, we are more
than prepared for your test,

137
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,303
but, um, it just so happens,
today is a little inconvenient.

138
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:46,888
Good, because
the best day for a drill

139
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,533
is when it's
inconvenient for everyone.

140
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,600
My mother is getting
a colonoscopy today.

141
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,870
I'm not even sure there's
anyone there to drive her home,

142
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,896
so we're all making
sacrifices, Ms. Knope.

143
00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:56,916
Well, I'm very sorry
to hear about your mother.

144
00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:58,275
Mmm. We're not that close.

145
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,901
Oh, good.

146
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:02,863
Okay, volunteer victims,

147
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,115
please put your
identification placards on now

148
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,158
and go to your designated
areas throughout town.

149
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:10,787
First responders, return to your
stations, and the simulation begins...

150
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:17,919
Went past the zero.

151
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,089
I got to wait till it goes...

152
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,342
Okay, now.

153
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:25,826
All right,
officers, bolt the doors.

154
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,846
We are officially
in lockdown mode.

155
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,180
The doors will not open

156
00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:31,641
until Leonard announces
that this drill is complete.

157
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,561
The most important event that I
have ever organized in my entire life

158
00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:37,939
is happening in eight hours,
and I am stuck in this room.

159
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,566
This is a nightmare.

160
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,360
Wait. Maybe this is a nightmare.

161
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,450
(Sighs) Nope, can't
fly away. This is real life.

162
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:54,831
Leonard: I'm now going to open
one of these 10 envelopes at random

163
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,083
to determine your
simulated disaster.

164
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,210
Pawnee has been hit by

165
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:01,630
a strain of avian flu.

166
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:05,008
Yes! Avian flu! Jackpot.
This is a simple one, guys.

167
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,010
Everybody open
their binders, okay?

168
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,095
"The knope protocol"?
Correction.

169
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:12,933
That's "mission im-Pawnee-ble:
Knope protocol."

170
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,619
Leslie: Now, if everyone
just follows my instructions,

171
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:17,270
we will ace this test, and
we will be done in 90 minutes.

172
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,981
"Step one,
insert the DVD scenario."

173
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,524
Hmm. What could be on this?

174
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,955
Good evening,
this is channel 4 lead anchor

175
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,612
Willow tremaine,
with breaking news.

176
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:28,406
Avian flu has just
hit the town of Pawnee.

177
00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:31,868
We go live now to St. Joseph's
medical center for an update.

178
00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:34,663
Hello, my name is
donate/la breckinridge, md.

179
00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:37,165
I graduated first in my class
from Harvard medical school,

180
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:38,528
so I know what
I'm talking about.

181
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,544
This is the avian flu,
or we call "h5n 1."

182
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,672
And it presents
itself in a number of ways.

183
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:46,549
Fever, muscle ache,
fatigue, diarrhea...

184
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,469
Sorry, did you make a DVD
for every disaster?

185
00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,596
Mmm. You should have seen
my makeup for ebola.

186
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,766
Anyway, let's listen to what the
smart and sexy doctor has to say.

187
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:58,478
If you or someone you know believes
you have avian flu, call this number.

188
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,271
I'm a doctor and I
can take care of you.

189
00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:03,650
Donna, are we on schedule
for the tent setup?

190
00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,527
The tables showed up,
which is good,

191
00:08:05,652 --> 00:08:07,445
but there are no chairs,
which is bad.

192
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:11,616
Okay, well, get some
chairs from somewhere.

193
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,994
Great leadership, inspiring.

194
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:18,206
Oh, god. Leslie was gonna go on
Pawnee today to promote the gala.

195
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:19,916
I'll do it.

196
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,585
No offense, Ron, but I don't
think you'd be great on TV.

197
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,630
I can speak in full
sentences and I won't cry.

198
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:29,759
Fair point. I did cry
last time. Godspeed.

199
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,894
Iacedit I got everything
right. I know I did.

200
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,146
I didn't fall asleep once.

201
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,355
Hey, that's awesome.

202
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:45,692
I'm so proud of you. I know.
I constantly surprise myself.

203
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,545
All I got to do now
is a personality evaluation,

204
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,279
then we can go to help Leslie.
Mmm-hmm.

205
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,322
Look, I got done early.
This is a gift for you.

206
00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,908
Devil horns made out of bubblegum
and I wrote 666 on the side.

207
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,411
Satan bunny. I love it.

208
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,597
Let's hide it before the
personality evaluation. Okay?

209
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,081
(Clears throat)
That's a good call.

210
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:03,543
Mmm! Smells amazing,
chef. What you cooking?

211
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,129
Little coq au vin?
Little bouillabaisse?

212
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,256
You can stop the ass-kissing,
Haverford.

213
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,383
I know why you're here.
I cannot do the gala.

214
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,511
It doesn't make business sense
to cater something that big for free.

215
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,638
Please. If the gala
doesn't go perfectly,

216
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:16,991
that lot could
become a paunch burger.

217
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,434
Doesn't that offend your
refined parisian sensibilities?

218
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,771
I'm from Orlando. And I don't
care about the paunch burger.

219
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,356
If it was another French
restaurant, maybe I'd worry.

220
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,069
Hey! Well, you know what?

221
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,153
What?

222
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,573
What? What you got for
me? Get out of my kitchen!

223
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,936
Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry,
sorry, sorry. Pardon! Pardon!

224
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,077
Hey, can you hear me?

225
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,412
Oh! Leslie, you on the TV!

226
00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:42,040
Well, you're on mine, Brett.
We're having a video conference.

227
00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:43,416
Oh, okay.

228
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,627
Pawnee has been hit
with the avian flu.

229
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,754
Tight. No, this is bad news.

230
00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:50,131
I need everyone
there at animal control

231
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,592
to eradicate all
the infected birds in town.

232
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:55,345
"Kill all birds."

233
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,388
This is for the
drill, right? Yes.

234
00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,434
But I'm actually gonna kill
these birds for real?

235
00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,684
No. No, just pretend.

236
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:02,977
Right.

237
00:10:03,228 --> 00:10:04,788
So how do I kill them,
like, with a gun?

238
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,399
I could fill up a bathtub and
just drown them one at a time.

239
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,026
Okay, let's forget
we ever talked.

240
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,402
Got it. Kill them.

241
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:12,862
Oh, my god. Horrified.

242
00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,466
Councilman jamm,
can you please contact

243
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:15,990
the CDC and give them an update?

244
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,594
Chris, can you
contact the police chief

245
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,119
and let him know
what's going on?

246
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,830
And, health director Ann Perkins,
how are we doing on snacks?

247
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,099
I got breakfast bars.
Oh, my god!

248
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,625
A meal inside a bar. Thank
you. You are so good at this.

249
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,086
Okay, casualty update,
only four dead,

250
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:30,588
two of whom were already
gravely ill and brothers.

251
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:33,341
That family took a terrible
hit. Well, that's great news.

252
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:36,136
The infection is contained,
bird population's under control.

253
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:38,596
I believe that we have
stopped this outbreak.

254
00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,098
(Cheering)

255
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,309
Not so fast.
I regret to inform you

256
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,937
that someone in this room
has begun exhibiting symptoms.

257
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,939
Christopher traeger. What?

258
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:51,401
Chris: A few months ago, the
thought of an infectious disease,

259
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:55,196
even hypothetical, would have sent
me careening towards bummerville.

260
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:59,325
But now I am infected
with a killer virus,

261
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,494
and I feel fine.

262
00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,121
Therapy!

263
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,249
This is highly irregular. We
have followed protocol to the letter.

264
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,458
No, you did not.

265
00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,436
Unfortunately, no one
contacted the transit department

266
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,795
to shut down bus service.

267
00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:13,047
So, you rode a bus
with a contagious man,

268
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,341
and he infected
you and 39 others.

269
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,260
That is impossible.
I do not ride the bus.

270
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,223
I ride my bicycle behind
the bus as a windbreak.

271
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,055
Doesn't matter.
Prepare for the diarrhea.

272
00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,224
Okay, who was supposed
to deal with transit?

273
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,107
My bad, guys. That's my bad.
Chris, very sorry.

274
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,442
Leslie: Damn it, jamm.

275
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,836
I should've had
animal control kill you.

276
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,778
Who you want me to kill? No one.

277
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:37,071
I'll kill him.

278
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:39,365
As soon as I'm
done with these birds.

279
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:41,284
Ron: Hello.

280
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,412
I'm here for the interview
about tonight's gala.

281
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:47,248
Yeah, listen, I'm
a little under the weather.

282
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,417
I went on a booze
cruise last week.

283
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,461
It just finished up an hour ago.

284
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:56,633
On a completely unrelated
note, I have horrible allergies.

285
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,468
Yeah. I'm sorry to hear that.

286
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,720
But I do need to
promote this event.

287
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,722
Don't worry about me.
I'm a true professional.

288
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:04,658
The show must go on.
Man: In five, four, three,

289
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:05,892
two...

290
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:09,812
Hello. I'm Joan callamezzo.

291
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:13,191
Today's show will not go on.

292
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,616
It seems like her
allergies are kicking in.

293
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,160
Talk. Talk.

294
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,454
Me? You. You, talk.

295
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:28,581
My name is Ron Swanson.

296
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,041
I am here to tell you

297
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,168
about a black-tie
gala fundraiser

298
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:34,337
for Pawnee commons
happening tonight.

299
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,090
All proceeds will go
toward building a park.

300
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:38,925
It will be enjoyable.

301
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,930
That's really all I had to say,
so perhaps I should leave.

302
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:45,598
No, no, no, no. No, stay.

303
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,475
Take a... take a phone call.

304
00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,602
Now I will take
your calls, apparently.

305
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,145
Yes?

306
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,106
Woman: Hey, Joan,
settle a bet for me.

307
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,149
Who's the sexiest
couple in history?

308
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,443
R-patz and k-stew, or bieber...

309
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:00,780
(Cell phone rings)

310
00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,240
Hey, how's it going?

311
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,660
Uh, well, this simulated
disaster is a total disaster.

312
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:06,744
How are you?

313
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,997
Ron subbed for
you on Pawnee today.

314
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,916
Ron who? Ron Swanson?
On television?

315
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,210
You know we want
people to come, right?

316
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,630
Donna still can't find any chairs.
We don't know where Jerry is.

317
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,716
And now some firemen are using

318
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,302
the lot as a triage center
for the emergency drill.

319
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:23,985
Okay, here's what you do.
Listen to me...

320
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,614
Leonard: Attention.
Panic from the outbreak

321
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,140
has overloaded
cell phone towers.

322
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,142
Please deposit your
phones into this box.

323
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:30,705
Oh, my god,
this drill will never end.

324
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,408
Okay, tell the
firefighters... all phones.

325
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,147
To set up triage
at the high school.

326
00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,398
All phones. And then to...

327
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:36,834
But I'm talking to someone
important. All phones.

328
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,794
Let me tell him something
important. Fix it, Ben! Fix it!

329
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:39,861
Okay.

330
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:41,696
What?

331
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,699
I found one chair,
got a lead on a second.

332
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,410
Keep me posted.

333
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,454
So this test will determine

334
00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:52,623
whether you have the right
personality profile to be a police officer.

335
00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:55,918
Just to make sure the machine
is working, is your name Andy?

336
00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,921
I don't know how to answer that.

337
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,506
A simple "yes" or "no."

338
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,175
Well, everyone calls me Andy,

339
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:06,054
but my full name is Andrew,
I think, so...

340
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,433
Wait. Yes.

341
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,976
Let's move on.

342
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:13,936
Scenano,
a high-school-aged child

343
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,855
asks to hold your
service revolver.

344
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,983
What do you do?
Yes, I give it to him.

345
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,361
When I was a kid, I always
wanted to hold a cop's gun.

346
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:24,072
To make that dream come
true for another kid...

347
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:25,835
Well, that's what
being a cop is all about.

348
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,202
Scenario, you pull
a car over for speeding.

349
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,787
You find out that
it's your father.

350
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,372
How do you handle the situation?

351
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,999
Well, first, I would be like,

352
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:36,959
"dad...

353
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,921
"You're alive? What the hell?

354
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:41,547
"I have so much I
want to say to you.

355
00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,674
"I love you.
I've missed you every day.

356
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,843
"I wish you could
meet my wife, April.

357
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,767
"Also, do you know
where my catcher's mitt is?"

358
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:51,057
Shouldn't you be taking her
to lie down somewhere?

359
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,910
Oh, no. If she ever found out
that we took her off camera,

360
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,102
we'd all be fired.

361
00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:56,938
So just keep taking phone
calls. You're doing great.

362
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:58,189
Man: Three, two...

363
00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,482
Hello, again.

364
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,902
I'm Ron Swanson, and I
am still taking your calls,

365
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:04,821
hopefully, about tonight's gala.

366
00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,406
You're on the air.

367
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,533
Man: Hi, what's wrong with Joan?

368
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:12,745
She has a bad hangover, which
she is pretending is allergies.

369
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,330
Is she gonna be okay?

370
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,749
Wouldn't know.
Never been hungover.

371
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,709
After I've had too much whiskey,

372
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,378
I cook myself
a large flank steak,

373
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,838
pan-fried in salted butter.

374
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,590
I eat that, put on a pair of
wet socks, and go to sleep.

375
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,592
That works? It does.

376
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:30,346
Please call now if you have
questions about tonight's gala

377
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,515
or one of my other interests,

378
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:35,810
woodworking, uh,
novels about tall ships,

379
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,354
meat, that sort of thing.

380
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:40,815
Chris: I'm afraid I have
some very bad news.

381
00:15:40,898 --> 00:15:45,361
"I, Chris traeger, after several
sustained hours of diarrhea,

382
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,864
"combined with violent
coughing and a devastating fever,

383
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,574
"followed by even more diarrhea,

384
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,493
"have succumbed
to the avian flu."

385
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:54,996
I'm dead.

386
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,765
I got to say, Leonard,
it kind of feels like

387
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,267
you're putting us
through the ringer here.

388
00:15:58,291 --> 00:16:00,331
Can you give us an idea
how long this is gonna take?

389
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,670
Probably six to
eight more hours.

390
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,505
Eight more hours? Nine.

391
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,507
Are all state emergency
drills this intensive?

392
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:09,260
Oh, no, hardly ever.
Councilman jamm requested it.

393
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:10,970
Oh, really?

394
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,031
Leonard: Specifically asked
that the drill be done today

395
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,683
and said I should give you
everything I got. Mmm-hmm.

396
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,394
Guys! Come here.
The game is rigged.

397
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,021
Jamm invited Leonard here,

398
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,440
and he screwed up the bus
thing on purpose to slow us down.

399
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:26,235
It is with a heavy heart that I
say, "we have been jammed."

400
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:28,237
God, that guy is the worst!

401
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,073
Look, we are stuck in this
room until the drill is over.

402
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,283
What are we gonna do?

403
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:33,493
The only thing we can do.

404
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,161
In order to save our park,

405
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,997
we have to
destroy the entire town.

406
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:45,421
Ladies and gentlemen, we are making
some changes to the knope protocol.

407
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,716
Ann, how much flu vaccine
does the hospital still have?

408
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:50,384
Enough for 2,000 people.

409
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,154
Great. Why don't you tell
the hospital director

410
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,013
toflushthem down
the toilet. You got it.

411
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,807
Leslie: Chief fugleberg, I
want you to order your officers

412
00:16:56,891 --> 00:17:00,394
to find all the infected birds
in the area and perform cpr.

413
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,104
Sorry. Won't they
become infected?

414
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:03,499
That's a risk we're
gonna have to take.

415
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,276
Our top priority is
now saving all the birds.

416
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,612
You know what? Let's send
the emergency responders home.

417
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:11,739
They've had a long day.
That's a great idea.

418
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,367
And you know what? Why
don't we just kick this up a notch?

419
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:17,370
Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with

420
00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:18,663
a tornado quake!

421
00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:23,459
Hey, what's up, dudes?

422
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,628
Is this the hero tent over here?

423
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,880
Must be,
'cause you guys are here.

424
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,924
Oh, also, backdraft.

425
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,468
Really holds up.
It's a great flick.

426
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,512
We are running
a drill here, man.

427
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:36,055
And we don't like backdraft.

428
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:38,307
The arsonist is a fireman.
That is not cool.

429
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,184
Okay. Hey, do you
think you could

430
00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,103
move this all over
to the high school?

431
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,980
We're throwing
a big gala here tonight,

432
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:48,818
and the motifwe're going for doesn't
involve, you know, like, corpses.

433
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:52,029
Listen, cowboy, we're not
going anywhere, so shut up.

434
00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:54,907
Why don't you turn around
and get the hell out of here

435
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:57,493
before things get a little...
Hey!

436
00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:59,870
Wow. Hey.

437
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,831
What are you doing?
Donna: Hello, Gregory.

438
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,458
Hey, d. What's up?

439
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,503
What's up is you're going to
listen to my little friend here,

440
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:10,047
and you're going to take
your business elsewhere.

441
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:13,175
Definitely. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

442
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:16,721
Hey, when this drill's over,
maybe I could go to this motif thing.

443
00:18:16,804 --> 00:18:17,888
We could hang out.

444
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,183
Hey, guys.
Pack it up. We're leaving.

445
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,019
Wait. Hang on.

446
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,187
I have an idea.

447
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,356
This is you're on with Ron.

448
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,735
You've got problems, I've got
practical solutions. Talk to me.

449
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:32,653
Go ahead, caller.

450
00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:37,283
Hi. My Yorkshire terrier has chewed
up the legs on my kitchen table.

451
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,368
Is there a cheap
way to repair that?

452
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,745
Great question.

453
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,623
Take a walnut and rub it
into the legs of your table.

454
00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:45,166
That'll mask the scratches.

455
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:49,211
Next thing you want to do is ditch the
terrier and get yourself a proper dog.

456
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:52,632
Any dog under 50 pounds is
a cat, and cats are pointless.

457
00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,759
Come to the gala. Next caller.

458
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,679
Grapes of wrath, chocolate-chip
ice cream, and Johnny cash.

459
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,057
Don't trust big banks
or small banks.

460
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:03,601
Banks are Ponzi schemes
run by morons.

461
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,312
Your house isn't haunted.
You're lonely.

462
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,689
Whatever happened to,
"hey, I have some apples.

463
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,613
"Would you like to buy them?"
"Yes, thank you."

464
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,443
That's as complicated
as it should be

465
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,320
to open a business
in this country.

466
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:18,574
Replacing the chain on your
chainsaw is child's play. Literally.

467
00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:20,983
Grab your son or daughter
and I'll walk them through it.

468
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,828
(Wailing)

469
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:31,837
Start by removing the
two nuts on the side cover

470
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:33,589
holding the guide
bar on the saw.

471
00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:36,759
(Scoffs) Johnny unitas.
Don't be an idiot.

472
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:40,262
You should be allowed to brew
whatever you want in your own bathtub.

473
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,015
Hello. Is it cold outside?
I'm all snuggled up

474
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,393
and I do not want
to get out of bed.

475
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:48,604
I refuse to help you.
Next caller.

476
00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,440
I've seen three
movies in my life,

477
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:55,736
bridge on the river kwai,
patton, and herbie fully loaded.

478
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,155
My girlfriend's kids love it.

479
00:19:58,572 --> 00:19:59,990
It's pretty funny.

480
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,534
Next caller.

481
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:04,995
Good morning.

482
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:09,458
Man: Hi. My wife asked me if the
dress she has on makes her look fat.

483
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:13,129
What do I say? She's waiting
on an answer in the other room.

484
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:16,090
In my experience, when a
woman asks a question like that,

485
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:19,051
she's feeling insecure
for some other reason.

486
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:22,388
Maybe you shouldn't
say anything to her,

487
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,682
and just put your hand
on the side of her face,

488
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,350
tell her that you love her

489
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:29,520
and that she is the greatest
woman you've ever met.

490
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,522
Also, in my opinion, most women

491
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:33,649
in this world are
vastly too skinny.

492
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,318
Thanks. You're the best, joanie.

493
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:41,240
Flash flood in Pawnee.
Major damage.

494
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,159
Oh, no. Lots of casualties.

495
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,286
Including councilman jamm.

496
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,747
What? No, no, you can't do that.

497
00:20:47,830 --> 00:20:50,833
It says right there, you're dead,
so is everyone you care about.

498
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:54,837
Oh, well, joke's on you. I
don't have anyone I care about.

499
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:57,047
And... it is a wrap.

500
00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:58,424
Everyone in Pawnee is dead.

501
00:20:58,841 --> 00:20:59,884
Ms. Knope, I'm afraid

502
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:02,344
I have to once again
give Pawnee a failing grade.

503
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,889
This was bad. Fort Wayne bad.

504
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:07,641
Bummer. Thank you for your
time. I think we're done here.

505
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:11,061
I will see everyone at the
gala, and I will see you in hell.

506
00:21:11,145 --> 00:21:13,105
Yeah, you're too late,
knope. That lot is mine.

507
00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:15,149
I can't hear you. I'm a ghost.

508
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:18,736
Yeah, well, so am I, so you
can hear me! Ghost jammed!

509
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:23,449
We got all the way to muncie
before we realized that itwasjust a drill.

510
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,285
I mean, all I'm saying
is you could've called.

511
00:21:26,494 --> 00:21:27,721
No one had your
cell number, big j.

512
00:21:27,745 --> 00:21:28,865
I find that hard to believe.

513
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,515
Oh, my god, why is
everyone standing around?

514
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,208
We have work to do.
Status report.

515
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,375
Status report! Well...

516
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:34,603
Nope, we don't
have time for that.

517
00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:35,729
We're gonna have to
postpone the gala,

518
00:21:35,753 --> 00:21:37,230
but we can't, because
the deadline is tomorrow.

519
00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,423
Oh, my god, I destroyed
the entire town for nothing.

520
00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:41,091
Leslie, it's okay.

521
00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:47,556
Leslie: Oh, my god.
You did all this?

522
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:49,725
How did you get food?

523
00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:52,228
I had a classic stroke
of Haverford genius.

524
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,355
Who has the most to lose
from a new paunch burger?

525
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:55,606
Their competitors.

526
00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:58,484
I got all the other fast food
places in town to donate food.

527
00:21:58,567 --> 00:22:01,862
I know black tie and chicky
tenders isn't the best mix, but...

528
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:03,614
No, Tom, I love it.

529
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:07,117
And more importantly, so will
all of our more ample citizens.

530
00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:08,345
How did you get the word out?

531
00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:10,996
Well, Ron went on Joan's show
and kicked ass.

532
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:15,292
I also helped a child perform a
tracheotomy on his elderly uncle.

533
00:22:15,626 --> 00:22:17,336
It's been a very rewarding day.

534
00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:20,256
Also, I told the firemen they
should use the lot as triage

535
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:22,883
and then gave them and
all of the dead and wounded

536
00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:25,386
two free drink tickets.
Leslie: Wow.

537
00:22:25,553 --> 00:22:28,264
This is great.
Thank you so much.

538
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:30,558
Let's start the gala.

539
00:22:31,308 --> 00:22:33,561
And thanks for
dressing up, Jerry.

540
00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:38,607
(Lively jazz music playing)

541
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:44,864
Hey. Hello, chief fugleberg.

542
00:22:44,989 --> 00:22:46,949
That's your buddy Andy dwyer
over there, isn't it?

543
00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:48,117
Such a shame.

544
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:49,326
Oh, no.

545
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:51,287
Did he fail his test?
It's weird.

546
00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:54,623
He got 100% on his written
test, first guy in history to do it.

547
00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,917
But he failed his
personality examination.

548
00:22:57,001 --> 00:23:00,296
He's a sweet kid. Just doesn't
have what it takes to be a cop.

549
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:01,589
Oh, Andy.

550
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:04,049
Too bad. He's certainly
something of a genius.

551
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:06,844
We could use his
brains on the force.

552
00:23:07,136 --> 00:23:09,847
Official police wrist lock.
You can't hit me. Try to hit me.

553
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:12,266
Or here, no, try...
It's this hand.

554
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:14,744
Wrist lock. Boom, too much
pain, you can't even hit me.

555
00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:16,186
Try to hit me.

556
00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:18,564
It! Had my gun, you wouldn't try

557
00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:20,024
to hit me, though, is the thing.

558
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:21,692
Hey, buddy. Hi, you two.

559
00:23:22,151 --> 00:23:23,903
Andy, do you have a second?
Yeah. Totally.

560
00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:27,031
Oh, hey, by the way, I feel like I
did pretty good on my test today.

561
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:28,594
I want to thank you
for all your help.

562
00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:29,825
It's my pleasure.

563
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:33,621
The first international crime ring I
bust up, I'm gonna dedicate it to you.

564
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:35,748
That would mean a lot.
(Chuckles)

565
00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:37,111
Did you want to
ask me something?

566
00:23:38,334 --> 00:23:40,920
You know what? It can wait.

567
00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:42,796
You guys have a great night.

568
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,132
You, too, citizen.

569
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:47,009
(Laughs)

570
00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,772
Can we do that thing
where I hit you again?

571
00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:51,305
Leslie: If I could have
everyone's attention, please?

572
00:23:51,388 --> 00:23:54,642
I am so happy to announce
that as of one minute ago,

573
00:23:54,725 --> 00:23:56,165
we have reached
our fundraising goal.

574
00:23:56,727 --> 00:23:58,103
(Cheering)

575
00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:03,442
Every dollar spent here
tonight by you, the community,

576
00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:05,945
will be poured right back
into this wonderful project.

577
00:24:06,195 --> 00:24:07,655
And speaking of community,

578
00:24:07,905 --> 00:24:10,908
I'd like to thank my
community, my friends.

579
00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,410
It's a lesson that I have
learned over and over again,

580
00:24:13,494 --> 00:24:14,536
but it bears repeating.

581
00:24:14,620 --> 00:24:16,288
No one achieves anything alone.

582
00:24:17,748 --> 00:24:20,167
Without further ado,
the best band in Pawnee,

583
00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:22,753
mouse rat. (Cheering)

584
00:24:22,836 --> 00:24:24,338
Park

585
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:27,466
we will build it, the park

586
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:30,135
it's not built yet, the park

587
00:24:30,761 --> 00:24:34,181
soon there will be a park

588
00:24:35,641 --> 00:24:37,059
park

589
00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:39,979
might not be safe after dark

590
00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:43,691
there could be dangerous sharks

591
00:24:43,774 --> 00:24:48,487
you should probably
learn martial arts

592
00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:52,199
I thought you should see
why Leslie tanked the drill.

593
00:24:52,282 --> 00:24:54,785
Councilman jamm
used you as a stalling tactic,

594
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:57,663
hoping itwould kill
Leslie's park project.

595
00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:00,600
If the test were any other
day, Leslie would have aced it.

596
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:01,709
I believe you.

597
00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:04,128
Maybe I'll find my way back
here in a month for a re-do.

598
00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:06,255
I appreciate it.

599
00:25:08,090 --> 00:25:10,134
Have you ever thought
of being a sperm donor?

600
00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:12,678
I'm impotent. Yeah, I
don't need to know that.

601
00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:16,515
This is the best wedding present
ever. This is the best night ever.

602
00:25:16,598 --> 00:25:17,993
I wish we were
getting married tonight.

603
00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:19,768
Well, we only have
three more months.

604
00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:21,353
I can't wait three more months.

605
00:25:21,437 --> 00:25:24,148
God, I just hate the feeling
of not being married to you.

606
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:26,734
Well...

607
00:25:28,152 --> 00:25:29,486
Let's just do it, then.

608
00:25:31,113 --> 00:25:33,949
Let's get married.
Here, tonight.

609
00:25:34,825 --> 00:25:36,410
I mean, we're all in black tie.

610
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:39,621
We've got plenty of
food and entertainment.

611
00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:42,541
And you did want to invite the
whole town to the wedding, right?

612
00:25:44,001 --> 00:25:45,294
Leslie...

613
00:25:47,171 --> 00:25:49,423
Let's get married. Tonight.

614
00:25:57,890 --> 00:26:00,059
Breaking news.
I've just been handed this.

615
00:26:00,142 --> 00:26:02,728
Pawnee has been hit
by a devastating earthquake.

616
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,730
We go to our reporter, live,

617
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:07,191
winnifred makepiece,
for the story. Winnifred?

618
00:26:07,274 --> 00:26:09,777
Thanks, Jessica. I'm here at
the Pawnee weather center

619
00:26:09,860 --> 00:26:12,362
with celebrated geologist
Isabella Winchester.

620
00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:15,074
Isabella, can you tell us more
about this killer earthquake?

621
00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:16,241
That's right, winnifred,

622
00:26:16,325 --> 00:26:19,078
the earthquake registered
an 8.5 on the Richter scale.

623
00:26:19,161 --> 00:26:20,579
That's correct.
It was a large one.

624
00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:22,414
Let's check in now
with local citizen

625
00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:24,291
Ann Perkins to see
how she's doing. Ann?

626
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:26,043
Thanks, Isabella.
I'm Ann Perkins.

627
00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:29,671
I'm a nurse, I'm a public health
official and I'm a super fox knockout.

628
00:26:29,755 --> 00:26:31,757
In fact, a lot of
people say the earthquake

629
00:26:31,924 --> 00:26:33,926
was caused by my
riveting sexuality.

630
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,595
I mean, no man can resist me.

631
00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:39,389
But you should
find a sturdy shelter

632
00:26:39,515 --> 00:26:41,725
and fill your bathtub
up with drinking water.

633
00:26:42,559 --> 00:26:44,144
Thank you so much, everyone.

634
00:26:44,228 --> 00:26:48,065
From all of us here at channel
4 news, I'm Jessica rabrit.

635
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:50,526
Have a good evening
and be safe out there.

636
00:26:51,693 --> 00:26:52,694
(Humming)