1 00:00:02,377 --> 00:00:05,339 Well, the honeymoon was amazing. We saw the bus stop 2 00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:07,925 where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus. 3 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,801 Theoretically. It's possible. 4 00:00:09,885 --> 00:00:13,096 Then, we went and visited Honolulu city hall. 5 00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,348 (Gasps) Shut up. I know. 6 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,266 Oh, mygod what was it like? It was amazing. 7 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,952 Well, it looked amazing. But it was closed. 8 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:18,977 Oh, my god. Bummer. 9 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,103 Okay, I have presents. 10 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,815 Chris, we got you an aoai tree. 11 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:26,235 Because the aoai Berry is a super food. 12 00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:28,028 And a super gift. 13 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,423 Donna, we got you some coffee because you said, and I quote, 14 00:00:30,447 --> 00:00:33,087 "I like my coffee like I like my men. Dark, rich, and full-bodied." 15 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,368 Yes, indeed. 16 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:37,496 Ann, we got you some very rare Hawaiian fertility tea. 17 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,748 Guaranteed to help you have a baby. That's so nice. 18 00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:40,832 Where did you find that? 19 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:43,001 Well, the bus boy at our restaurant, 20 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:45,170 um, told us about a guy who we met in a parking lot. 21 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,506 And then, he had a backpack full of this stuff. 22 00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,383 And I'm just realizing now that it's not tea 23 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,610 and I'm going to throw it away. 24 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:54,388 Ben: Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger. 25 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:57,057 It reminded us of you when you're at work. 26 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,350 A handsome gentleman. 27 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,036 Leslie: We did not forget Jerry. Right, right, right. 28 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:05,148 We got Jerry some ear buds and a bag of peanuts 29 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,942 and a skymall catalog. 30 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:09,861 Same thing you got me from your trip to Washington. 31 00:01:09,945 --> 00:01:13,949 Tom, we got you an autographed portrait of your personal hero. 32 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:17,244 (Gasps) No way! Scott caan from Hawaii five-o? 33 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:21,039 April, as requested, we threw that box you gave us into that volcano. 34 00:01:21,707 --> 00:01:22,833 Thank you. 35 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,376 Andy, as you requested, 36 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:27,546 we got you a three-pack of white t-shirts from target. 37 00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,423 Thank you. All mine are dirty. 38 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,925 Thank you, Hawaii. 39 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,511 (Theme music playing) 40 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:52,946 (Uerrylaughs) 41 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:55,574 Thank you so much. It's great to be here 42 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,200 at the Pawnee correspondents' lunch. 43 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,345 There are so many wonderful, talented journalists here. 44 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:02,080 Also here are some reporters from the Pawnee sun. 45 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:03,999 (All laughing) Oh! 46 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:06,835 Oh, hey, hey. I love the Pawnee sun. 47 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:08,920 Some people say that it's a useless tabloid, 48 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,339 but I don't think it's useless. 49 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,674 I think it's great for housebreaking puppies. 50 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,217 (All laugh) 51 00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,179 I am prepping for the Pawnee correspondents' lunch. 52 00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,430 It's an annual affair 53 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,849 where the media and the government roast each other. 54 00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:23,477 My number one target? The Pawnee sun. 55 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:27,439 Three hundred and sixty four days a year, they rake me over the coals. 56 00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,608 Today, I take those burning coals, 57 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,735 I shove them back down their throats, 58 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,945 and I watch their melting flesh 59 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:36,073 drip off their worthless faces. 60 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:38,533 It's all in good fun. 61 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,285 Okay, I need morejokes, people. 62 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,871 Ben is having his first day at work, so he cannot help me, 63 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:44,514 so I need you guys to pick up the slack. 64 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,541 I have a joke for you. Okay. 65 00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:49,294 The government in this town is excellent 66 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:52,005 and uses your tax dollars efficiently. 67 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:54,091 (Giggling) 68 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,217 That's not really a joke. 69 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:58,095 I disagree. I find it hilarious. 70 00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:01,098 Ann Perkins. 71 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,059 Hey, Chris. Got to run to a meeting. With Ron. 72 00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,103 Great idea. I'll run to my next meeting. 73 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,067 Sorry. The door was open. 74 00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,861 I wish this office had only walls. 75 00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,506 Chris broke up with his girlfriend a week ago, 76 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:20,033 and I have decided to ask him to be the father of my baby. 77 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:23,036 Except, I cannot work up the nerve to do it. 78 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,288 Turns out they don't make greeting cards 79 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,375 for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you. 80 00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:34,881 Actually, Ron, I could use your advice on how to be blunt and honest. 81 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:38,427 I want my friend to do something for me, 82 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,011 and I don't know how to ask him. 83 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:41,847 What do you want him to do? 84 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,391 Plant ficuses. 85 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,309 In my front yard. 86 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,104 Grossest metaphor ever. 87 00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:50,272 I've seen your house. 88 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:54,359 You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard. 89 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:55,986 No, I don't think so. 90 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,656 Anyway, what if he thinks I'm asking too much of him? 91 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,659 And I ask him to plant the ficuses, and he doesn't want to, 92 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,721 and then he gets weird about it and it ruins our friendship. 93 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,038 Then, plant the damn ficuses yourself. 94 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:09,082 (Sighs) I wish that were possible. 95 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,628 We are so excited to have you working with us 96 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:16,840 here at the all new sweetums foundation. 97 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,926 This is your office. 98 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:21,928 This is incredible. 99 00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,139 And look at that art. 100 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:29,936 Ah, yes. My late husband. He was so decrepit. (Laughs) 101 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,772 Ben: I really like helping people. 102 00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:35,609 Running the new sweetums foundation charity allows me to do that 103 00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:39,112 and work in an office with more mahogany wood 104 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:42,991 than currently remains in the Amazon rainforest. 105 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,035 So, win-win. 106 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,037 Except for the rain forest. 107 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,832 I need you to select your first charity by tomorrow. 108 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:54,211 Sweetums' public image is currently at an all-time low. 109 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,962 Yeah. There's even a rumor going around 110 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,964 that the chocolate is made of rat parts. 111 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,801 (Laughs) Well, you know what they say about rumors. Yeah. 112 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,552 They're mostly true. 113 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,721 Yeah. Including the rat thing? 114 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,158 What are you going to do? It's where all the flavor comes from. 115 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:10,185 (Groans) Would you look at that? There is a smudge on my tail. 116 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,024 All better. 117 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,862 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Pawnee correspondents' lunch, 118 00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:23,865 where politicians and the media make fun of each other. 119 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:26,952 But if you ask me, they should be making fun of the food. 120 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:29,955 I am not the cook! (All laugh) 121 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:34,042 Well, well, well. If it isn't Kim terlando from the Pawnee sun. 122 00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:35,836 Do you happen to have a can opener? 123 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:38,380 Because I'm about to open this on you. 124 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,925 Did you make that can of whoop-ass for this exact moment? 125 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,301 Yeah. I came prepared. 126 00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:45,554 I'd expect nothing less. Good luck with your speech. 127 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:47,317 Oh, yeah, my speech doesn't need your luck. 128 00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:49,015 It needs a surgeon general's warning, 129 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,619 because it's so harmful to your health. 130 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,644 Oh, look. It has one. 131 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,354 That's how ready I am. 132 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:56,064 I'm glad you're so confident. 133 00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:58,108 Nice to see you. Nice to see you, too. 134 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,988 Chris, can I talk to you for a second? 135 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,990 Absolutely. I cannot wait. One second. 136 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:07,909 Excuse me, sir? I think I accidentally got the meat option. 137 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,313 Yeah, and I got the veggie option. 138 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,747 Shauna malwae-tweep. My ex-girlfriend. 139 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,958 It seems like you and I have a classic "mix-em-up". 140 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,043 Yeah. Fancy meeting you here. 141 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:19,838 This isn't awkward for you, is it? Chris, it's okay. 142 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,681 You want to switch? I'm starving. Definitely. 143 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,222 Whoa! Check out the new digs. This place is insane. 144 00:06:29,306 --> 00:06:32,893 Thanks for coming, guys. I'm super swamped and I need your help. 145 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,019 Pass. 146 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:36,229 You came down here to pass on helping me? 147 00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:39,024 Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. 148 00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:41,151 It was totally worth it. 149 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,987 Andy, are you okay? I'm fine. 150 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,780 It's just that life is pointless 151 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:47,532 and nothing matters and I'm always tired. 152 00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:49,910 Also, I can't sleep, I'm over-eating, 153 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,513 and none of my old hobbies interest me. 154 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,789 Ever since Andy failed the police academy exam, 155 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:57,459 his self-esteem has hit rock bottom. 156 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,669 He's always sad and sweaty. 157 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,172 He's usually happy and sweaty. 158 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:04,925 I have to pick our first charity by tomorrow, 159 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,135 and there's a million applications. 160 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,012 Can you guys help me sort them out? 161 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:12,015 You know what? This sounds like fun, babe. 162 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,684 Come on. Let's help him. It will be fun. 163 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,020 Well, it sounds like you guys got it covered. 164 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:19,498 I'm going to head out. I actually have my own charity to tend to. 165 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,191 Tommy's tummy foundation. 166 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,068 Yeah, well, they bring me fancy lunches here. 167 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,337 If you stay, you can have some. 168 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:29,532 What? Crab? Caviar? On behalf of Tommy's tummy foundation, 169 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,743 I'm happy to accept this generous donation. 170 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:33,995 Please welcome Kim terlando. 171 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,085 Thank you, Martin. 172 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:44,297 It's nice to be here among all of these excellent journalists. 173 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:47,467 And also the people that work with me over at the Pawnee sun. 174 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,219 (All laughing) 175 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,638 Damn it. That was my opener. 176 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,683 Now, I love working at the sun. Okay? 177 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:58,395 I know you all think it's just a useless tabloid, but it's not. 178 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,564 It is great for housebreaking puppies. 179 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,191 (All laughing) 180 00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:06,069 Oh, my god. Those are myjokes. She's stealing myjokes. 181 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:10,156 Some people say that the sun has a problem with the truth. 182 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,993 There's no problem. We just ignore it. 183 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:16,079 (All laughing) 184 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,417 Jerry, stop laughing. Those are stolen jokes. 185 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,128 I'm totally dead. What am I going to do? 186 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,505 Oh! I just opened up a can of whoop-ass on myself. 187 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,260 I remember the very first correspondents' lunch. 188 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,846 I rode here in a horse and buggy. 189 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:34,014 (All laughing) 190 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:37,892 No, no, no. That wasn't a joke. I actually did. 191 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,102 (All laughing) 192 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,770 That also is not a joke. 193 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,815 Ron, Kim told all myjokes. All of them! 194 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,608 She must have gotten a copy of my speech. 195 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,402 Did anybody iosetheucopy? All: Nope. 196 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:48,685 Right here. Mine's right here. 197 00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,047 (Councilman Milton chattering indistinctly) 198 00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,448 (All laughing) 199 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,782 Aw, geez. 200 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,285 Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done. 201 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,745 And no dessert! 202 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,913 I need new material, and it needs to be great. 203 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,433 And it needs to knock people on their butts. 204 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,626 And it needs to transcend the genre of roast comedy. 205 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,837 Perkins, go. Oh, wow. Um... 206 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:09,257 Okay, so. Councilman Milton is old, right? 207 00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:12,010 And he's wearing a green tie, so maybe there's something there 208 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,804 where he went to school with his high school buddies 209 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,849 that were dinosaurs, and his tie is green, and they're green. 210 00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,267 (Laughs) 211 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:23,146 Oh, Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault. 212 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,832 You've never had to compensate for anything. 213 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,901 The rest of you ugly nerds need to give me some jokes stat. 214 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,736 Andy: Ben? 215 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,237 Ben? 216 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:32,363 Yeah, Andy. 217 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:35,033 I think I might have found something that's actually pretty cool. 218 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:37,368 Okay, well, just put it aside and I'll read it later. 219 00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:40,497 No. Andy found it, and he's going to tell you about it right now. 220 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,706 Go, babe. 221 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:45,001 Uh, it's the redwood music program. 222 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,630 It's an after-school music class for at-risk kids. 223 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:49,774 It will keep them off the street. 224 00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:52,926 Whoa! And the streets, as you know, are dangerous. 225 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:56,763 Example, I fell in a sewer grate once. I was there all day. 226 00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:00,558 In conclusion, we cannot let our children live in the sewer any longer. 227 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:04,020 Redwood music program. Go. Your honor. Amen. 228 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:05,939 That's a great idea. Yeah. 229 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,942 Anyone else come across anything good? Tom? 230 00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:13,196 Um, yeah. I've got a good one. 231 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,950 It's called the clean sheet foundation. 232 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,577 That's my pick. 233 00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:24,457 They provide legal assistance to the kkk. This is your pick? 234 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,960 Yeah. Can you pass the bon-bons? 235 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,795 Perd hapley is here today. 236 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,797 Or as perd would say, 237 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,926 "my name is perd hapley, and the person I see here today 238 00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:36,678 "is me." (Laughs) (All laughing) 239 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,098 Everyone seems to be laughing now. 240 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,268 Do you see what is happening with Chris and shauna? 241 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,645 They are flirting like crazy. 242 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,438 It's disgusting. They're in public. 243 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,857 That's called a conversation. 244 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:52,068 Ron, there are no ficuses. Okay? 245 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,113 I wanted to ask Chris to be the father of my baby. 246 00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:56,531 Good god. 247 00:10:56,614 --> 00:11:00,160 And the metaphor you chose was "planting ficuses in your front yard"? 248 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:01,929 I was going to wait until he was single to ask him, 249 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,430 but now, he's flirting with shauna again. 250 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,081 What do I do? 251 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,458 It's been nice talking to you. 252 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:08,543 What? 253 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:11,713 Maybe I should just do impressions. 254 00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,673 (Foreign accent) "I am borat." There's one. 255 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,967 But I need to do someone that no one has heard before. 256 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,594 Like, I don't know, neve Campbell? 257 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,904 What does neve Campbell sound like? 258 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:19,929 I don't know. 259 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,576 Someone (bleep) Tell me what neve Campbell sounds like. 260 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,494 Just keep it short and get the hell out of there. 261 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,437 (Audience applauding) Thank you. 262 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,481 Our next guest has asked me to read this. 263 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,734 Oh, no. Oh, no. I forgot I did this. Joan. 264 00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,986 "Strap on your adult diapers, everyone, 265 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:38,573 "because you're about to wet yourself from laughter." 266 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,241 Give it up for Leslie knope. 267 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,911 (Applause) 268 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,415 What's up, Pawnee? 269 00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:49,000 (All laughing) 270 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,544 Borat. 271 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,004 (Scattered chuckling) 272 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,799 Well, that's my time. They're giving me the light. 273 00:11:57,425 --> 00:11:58,927 So, uh... I did great. 274 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:00,553 (Scattered applause) 275 00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:01,864 Martin: Thank you, Leslie knope. 276 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,640 You know what they say. Drama is hard. 277 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,434 And sometimes, comedy is not in our whee/house. 278 00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:07,685 (Whirring) 279 00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:10,146 Tom, do you have to run that right now? 280 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:13,358 Oh, no, Ben. These smoothies will just blend themselves. 281 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:17,862 (Blender stops) 282 00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,948 Okay. (Blender whirring) 283 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,201 I think I have our winner. 284 00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,662 It's called rural ambu-care. 285 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,705 They want to buy an ambulance for people 286 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,374 who live far away from the hospital. 287 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,918 Ambulances are dumb. When has an ambulance ever helped anyone? 288 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,711 What about Andy's music thing? 289 00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:36,435 Well, this is a great service that will help a lot of needy people. 290 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:37,507 Sorry, Andy. 291 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:41,636 Why? No, it's totally fine. I'm happy for them. That's awesome. 292 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:44,639 You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to head out to, uh, the car. 293 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:46,200 Okay. It's a little hot in here. I'm a little sweaty. 294 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:48,101 Well, I'm terribly disappointed, 295 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,145 but I'm sure the doctors, or giraffes, 296 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:53,564 or whatever you decided to help 297 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:57,360 will be thrilled with the whatever you decided to whatever. 298 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,112 I'm outtie. Greatjob, team. 299 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:01,948 What? 300 00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,076 Ever since Andy failed the police exam, he's been really depressed. 301 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:08,288 Picking out a dumb charity is the most excited he's been in weeks. 302 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:09,622 You're so selfish. 303 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,541 Selfish? I'm running a charity. 304 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,835 Oh! It's all about what you're doing, isn't it? 305 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,421 Classic Ben. (Clattering) 306 00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:18,006 Sorry. Forgot the oysters. 307 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:20,466 Great work today. 308 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,013 Christopher. Chns, toe, fun 309 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:26,782 it's like you have furry toes. 310 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,057 Ha! Hilarious. 311 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,310 I have a question for you. 312 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,646 It's something very important. Which is... 313 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,649 What is your 314 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,527 spirit animal? Jaguar. Why do you ask? 315 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:44,615 Doing a survey. Whelp, survey completed. So, take her easy. 316 00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:45,783 You didn't ask me. 317 00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:48,745 But if you had, the answer I would have given is doggy. 318 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,623 Chris, Ann wants to ask you something right now. Go, Ann. 319 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:53,833 In front of perd? 320 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,960 Yes. No more delays. Go. 321 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,722 (Speaking quickly) I want to have a baby. Will you be the sperm donor? 322 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:06,846 The story of this situation is it's extremely personal. 323 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,140 Think it over. Bye. 324 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:14,687 Leslie, permission to leave the corner. Denied. 325 00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:16,731 But, look. I did not lose your speech after all. 326 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:20,610 I forgot. I put it in my shoe for safekeeping. 327 00:14:21,235 --> 00:14:23,071 It's a little moist, but it is still here. 328 00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:25,198 Then, how did Kim get the speech? 329 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,283 Wait a minute. The Pawnee sun 330 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,285 has been one step ahead of me for months. 331 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,372 They knew that kernston's withdrew its sponsorship of the commons 332 00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:33,539 before I even announcedit 333 00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:36,584 they asked me about the sewage eruption in ramsett park 334 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,378 right after Ron e-mailed me about it. 335 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:41,881 And Kim asked me if I liked the first season of army wives 336 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,675 just moments after Netflix did. 337 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,513 The Pawnee sun hacked my e-mail. I've been hacked! 338 00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,849 Okay. Smashing your phone won't stop hacking. 339 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:55,228 That's also my phone. Jerry, quiet! This is serious. 340 00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,375 Well, the police said they were going to launch aninvesfigafion 341 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,584 to see whether or not I was hacked. 342 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,944 But it's very complicated and it could take up to a month. 343 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:06,364 There is nothing more disgusting than an invasion of privacy. 344 00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,784 And I should know. I've had many women steal my undershirts. 345 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,262 I have a press conference about the Pawnee commons in two hours. 346 00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:15,123 So, I need to go through every e-mail that I've ever sent, ever. 347 00:15:15,206 --> 00:15:17,208 I need to know what they might use against me. 348 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:20,169 They can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say. 349 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,213 Can it, unabomber. This is an emergency. 350 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,632 Hey, Ben. Hl 351 00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:26,008 you wanted to talk to me? 352 00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:28,886 Or probably not. I mean, I don't even want to talk to me. 353 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:30,680 No, I wanted to talk to you. 354 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,224 Just wanted to thank you so much for your help, Andy. 355 00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,852 Sorry we didn't wind up choosing the after-school music program. 356 00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,228 It's just... I totally get it. 357 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:38,747 The music program would be effective, 358 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:42,817 but the ambulance is going to help people right now who are in trouble. 359 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,620 And itwould probably look good in the media. 360 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:47,738 Yeah. That's exactly right. 361 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:49,323 Your morning tea, Mr. Wyatt? 362 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,509 Imagine all the money you could save 363 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:52,261 if you didn't have to pay for this expensive stuff. 364 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,638 (Laughs) Am I right? You could help, like, a zillion more charities. 365 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:58,166 Yeah, that's also exactly right. 366 00:15:58,249 --> 00:15:59,959 I feel like I should have thought of that. 367 00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,202 Let me tell you something else that's interesting, Ben. 368 00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:03,254 What? 369 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,506 I farted five minutes ago. 370 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,862 I didn't even smell it until just now. 371 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:09,802 That's how tight my pants are. 372 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,930 Anyhow. Later days, dudes. 373 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,977 Okay. Nothing too bad, so far. 374 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:21,397 There's a "top ten Ben's butts 2012" slideshow. 375 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:25,401 You e-mailed it to Ben. And Ann. And the huffington post? 376 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,805 Yeah, I'm not embarrassed by that. 377 00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,404 Who is todo toadfoot? 378 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:32,533 You wrote him an e-mail about riding your dragons to pelennor fields 379 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:35,119 and signed it "dimple broadbelt of buckland." 380 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:38,247 Yes, that's Ben in my fantasy lord of the rings pen pal letters. 381 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,600 I am a little embarrassed by that. 382 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:42,543 Here's one to me. And it just says "thanks". 383 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:44,062 You're welcome. (Cell phone vibrating) 384 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,546 Oh, great. I got a new e-mail 385 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,381 about the parking lot at the Pawnee commons. 386 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,383 I keep getting e-mails all the time. 387 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:51,361 I have to do well at this press conference. Donna... 388 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:53,262 Listen, freaky. 389 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,014 Every single one of my boyfriends 390 00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,724 has tried to hack into my e-mail. 391 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:59,227 Igotanidea. Everybody out. 392 00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:04,607 Sorry. Oh. 393 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,151 Ann Perkins, I see you behind that attractive purse. 394 00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:09,070 You haven't returned any of my calls. 395 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,240 Yeah. That's because, uh, I'm mortified. 396 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:16,327 I'm so sorry that I was so weird and blunt. 397 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:18,246 I am touched and honored 398 00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:21,082 that you would even consider me to be the father of your child. 399 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,167 And I'm glad that you came right out and said it. 400 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:24,686 I mean, if we're really considering this, 401 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,171 then we have to start at a place of complete honesty. 402 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,841 You're right. And I'll start now. 403 00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:34,679 You are a great specimen. 404 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,430 That's a terrible choice of words. 405 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,851 If my baby turned out to be anything like you, 406 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:42,853 I'd be lucky. 407 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,567 Can I have just a little bit of time to think about it? 408 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,027 Of course. Yes. Take as much time as you want. 409 00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:52,738 Or maybe just, like, a couple of days because I'm getting antsy. 410 00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,700 And I'm ovulating on Thursday. So, chop-chop. 411 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:57,368 But take your time. 412 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,454 Wear loose pants! 413 00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:09,463 I've got to tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. 414 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:11,924 I know. Stop talking and get out. Yep. 415 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:17,513 The redneck ambulance is a great choice. 416 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:21,601 We can release a publicity shot of a buck-toothed hayseed 417 00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:24,103 taking medicine for the first time in his life. 418 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,314 We can figure out the photo later. 419 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,859 Oh, I forgot. It's fondue Friday. Yay! 420 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:33,404 Yeah, also, as president of the foundation, I'm making a few changes. 421 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,448 I'm giving up this office. 422 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:38,951 And no more visits from a masseuse or fancy lunches. 423 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,786 It's way out of hand. 424 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:44,582 Sweetie, all the money we spend on the foundation is tax deductible. 425 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,418 I know, and it's a huge waste of money. 426 00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,629 I mean, there's plenty of cheap office space around. 427 00:18:49,712 --> 00:18:53,257 And I have an idea for how to use some of the money we'll save. 428 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:55,926 (Laughs) Get yourself a matching nude portrait? 429 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,137 I can call the painter. Please don't. 430 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,515 First, I'd like you all to check under your chairs. 431 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:04,644 I think you might be surprised and excited by what you find. 432 00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,605 Is it chocolate? Even better. It's dirt. 433 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:10,358 The epa has recently reviewed our soil samples, 434 00:19:10,441 --> 00:19:13,110 and they determined that we achieved, and I quote, 435 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,571 "minimal acceptable standards." 436 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,740 So, not too shabby. 437 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:21,994 Uh, councilwoman knope, you've claimed construction will take 18 months, 438 00:19:22,078 --> 00:19:24,246 but a source tells me itwill be much longer. 439 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,457 I would deny that report. 440 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:31,587 I've also learned that the epa found midi-chlorians in the soil? 441 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,214 How serious is that, exacfly? 442 00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:34,924 It's very serious, Kim. 443 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,385 It's almost as serious as e-mail hacking, 444 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,680 which is what you have been doing to me for weeks. 445 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,264 (Gasps) 446 00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:46,018 I really thought you guys would gasp there. 447 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:48,312 That is a baseless accusafion. 448 00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:50,564 Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance 449 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,401 found in the blood ofjedi knights 450 00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:56,862 from the movie star wars: Episode I, the phantom menace. 451 00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:58,447 Which, side note, was a terrible movie 452 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,634 and almost destroyed the franchise, according to my husband. 453 00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:01,927 But that is neither here nor there. 454 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:05,287 The point is, I sent councilwoman knope the fake e-mail 455 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:08,416 about the epa finding midi-chlorians an hour ago. 456 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,500 As a trap. 457 00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:10,663 Into which you have fallen. 458 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,128 Well, 459 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,088 I have never seen star wars. 460 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:18,968 Because I was too busy hooking up with guys, unlike you losers. 461 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,595 (Laughs) Oh, you want to compare numbers, tedando? 462 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:22,972 Get to stepping. 463 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,241 Leslie: Lwouldjust like to point out 464 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:26,559 that Kim terlando stole all of myjokes 465 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:27,786 for the Pawnee correspondents' lunch. 466 00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:29,103 And they were greatjokes. 467 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:32,690 So I spent the whole night writing new ones. Luckyforyou. 468 00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:34,650 Let's get started. 469 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,254 I've very excited to be here. You know who else is excited to be here? 470 00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:38,654 Neve Campbell. 471 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,364 What a great party. 472 00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:42,742 Of five. All right. Thank you, guys. 473 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,996 The point is, I could use someone to help me at the foundation 474 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,207 as a part-time assistant, but also an idea man. 475 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:55,171 Might I suggest Tom? He loves ideas. Also, a man. 476 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:58,466 Well, no, Andy, I've already chosen the person, 477 00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:00,384 and it is not Tom. 478 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,013 Then, who is it? 479 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:08,058 Vveh, heis, uh, shfing right here in this courtyard. 480 00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:12,813 Thatguy? 481 00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:15,316 Do you even know him? Oh, my god. Andy, it's you. 482 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:18,527 I think you may have a knack for charitable giving. 483 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,904 Will you come work for me? 484 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,740 Uh-oh. What's happening? 485 00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,201 Oh!