1
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:05,339
Welcome to animal control.
Let me show you around.

2
00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:07,883
Those are some chairs.
That's a cat or possum.

3
00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:12,221
Oh, this is a napkin where I
wrote down a cool name for a dog.

4
00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,139
Bark Obama.

5
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:15,224
Brett: Right?

6
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,850
Is that...
What's happening here?

7
00:00:16,934 --> 00:00:19,311
Brett: Oh, yo. Yeah.
We found this bird outside.

8
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:20,954
We tried to turn it
into a work whistle,

9
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:22,856
like in the beginning
of the flintstones.

10
00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,234
Tougher than it looked, though.

11
00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:28,028
We have a massive
pest problem in this town,

12
00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:29,797
and it's because
the animal control department

13
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:33,033
has been disaster,
at catching animals.

14
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,578
They're great at ingesting
and selling marijuana.

15
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:39,915
This place is a miserable suck
hole run by two pot-head losers.

16
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,209
It's completely
and utterly mismanaged.

17
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,335
Thanks!

18
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:44,878
It does seem
to be very poorly run,

19
00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,630
but we've only been
here for two minutes.

20
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,382
There may be a method
to their madness.

21
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:50,592
There's more than one way
to skin a cat. Brett: Four.

22
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:51,861
There's four ways to
skin a cat. (Trap snaps)

23
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,011
Ow, ow! Regular blade...

24
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:54,388
Ow, what is this?

25
00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:55,639
Coyote trap, dude.

26
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:56,974
Ah, this hurts!

27
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,475
Yeah, we got
a huge vermin problem.

28
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,245
I mean, we've been meaning
to call somebody about it,

29
00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:01,895
butnobody get on the phone.

30
00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,981
You're the people
you would be calling.

31
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,774
(Laughs) That is so trippy.

32
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,528
Ow! You're fired! You're fired!
The whole department is fired.

33
00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:11,905
Ow! This hurts! This was
one of my running feet!

34
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:13,740
Yo, let's go to Jamaica.

35
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,027
No, we should go to Jamaica.

36
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,994
Oh, is that what you
said? Yeah, dawg.

37
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,161
(Both laughing)

38
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,309
(Knock on door)

39
00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:43,312
Ron, you've been
sweating in here all day.

40
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:44,515
Are you drinking any fluids?

41
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,898
Yes, plenty.

42
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,693
No, you need to drink water.

43
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:50,986
Usually, I take it neat,

44
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,905
but I will make an exception
in the name of health.

45
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:57,200
Last night, I watched a movie
with Diane and the girls

46
00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:00,662
in which an orange fish
is separated from his father.

47
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,331
The children were sniffling,

48
00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:05,667
which I believed to be due
to the sad nature of the film.

49
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,462
I was wrong.

50
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,922
You need to take
off those layers,

51
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,883
rehydrate, and go to the doctor.

52
00:02:13,008 --> 00:02:16,511
Thank you for your concern,
I will be fine.

53
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:19,222
Please turn the thermostat up
to 90 and leave me alone.

54
00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,724
Ron, this isn't safe.

55
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:22,351
I am a grown man.

56
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:24,936
I have had a cold before,
I need no help,

57
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:28,148
so if you don't mind...

58
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:32,235
That seems about right.

59
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:33,904
Tom: Okay, pop quiz.

60
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,448
Name the scent.

61
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:38,408
Uh, spasm. No, butter face!

62
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,077
Very good! Yes!

63
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,662
I'm trying to get
more big companies

64
00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:43,455
to donate to
the sweetums foundation,

65
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,874
and Tom got us a meeting
with Dennis feinstein,

66
00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:49,795
Pawnee's premiere manufacturer
of perfumes and Cologne.

67
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,421
(Sniffs)

68
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:52,506
(Huffs)

69
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:53,715
Oh!

70
00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:56,510
Or possibly, insecticide.
(Exhales)

71
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:59,471
Dennis feinstein belongs
to a new generation of wealth.

72
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:02,516
Rappers, tech geniuses,
x games medalists,

73
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,851
and, of course, scent artists.

74
00:03:04,935 --> 00:03:07,688
The man owns a rolexus.

75
00:03:07,771 --> 00:03:09,064
It's a Lexus
filled with Rolexes.

76
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:10,273
What's the point of that?

77
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,651
To have it, which he does.

78
00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,820
Okay, I'll lay out
the benefits of donating.

79
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:17,239
Tom will flatter and
schmooze as only Tom can.

80
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:19,467
Andy, you know, this is just
a learning experience for you,

81
00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:21,076
so you just watch and listen.

82
00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,012
Tom: I had to pull a lot of
strings to get this meeting,

83
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,247
so please, no one embarrass me.

84
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:28,083
Ben, puton
something decent, like a tux.

85
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,711
Andy, you're hopeless,
just take a shower.

86
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,879
I already took what
I call a "dwyer shower."

87
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:35,298
I rubbed my armpits
with air fresheners.

88
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,717
(Sniffs)

89
00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:38,260
New car.

90
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:41,638
Animal control has
long been a repository

91
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,808
for some of this government's
most incompetent employees.

92
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,518
Jerry gergich
got his start there.

93
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,061
Well... all right, well.

94
00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:51,231
Yeah, so our new director
needs to be competent, effective,

95
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,792
and not completely
stoned all the time.

96
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,001
Jamm: I'm way ahead
of you there, girly.

97
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,610
I got the perfect guy.

98
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:59,281
Friend of mine, bit of an
alcoholic, a little grabby,

99
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,074
either a war hero
or a war criminal,

100
00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,869
depending on who you ask,
but a good dude.

101
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,704
How do you know him?
I do his teeth.

102
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:09,916
A few coffee stains up front,
but his canines are insane.

103
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,210
Gosh, Jeremy, he sounds perfect.

104
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:14,337
Are his gums great, too?
Jamm: Oh, yeah.

105
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,757
They are excellent, beet red.

106
00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:17,841
I was being sarcastic.

107
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,510
I think we should open this to
the floor for more discussion.

108
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:24,723
Uh, maybe you would like
to explain this to her, please?

109
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,767
Traditionally, Leslie,
the councilmen just

110
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:28,894
kind of take turns on
departmental appointments.

111
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:32,606
Yeah, this one is mine,
then dexhart, then you.

112
00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:33,940
This whole place runs on dibs.

113
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,187
Leslie: Are you kidding me?

114
00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:36,943
You guys are all fine with this?

115
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,070
Well, Milton's asleep,
but the rest of you?

116
00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:40,739
This is how departments
get mismanaged.

117
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,365
No. We are going to be thorough.

118
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:45,869
I'm going to find a candidate, and
I encourage you all to do the same,

119
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,913
and then we will
interview all of them.

120
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:48,997
Bodng!

121
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,249
"Boring" is my
middle name, so...

122
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,418
My thoroughly vetted candidate

123
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,062
is going to blow your
candidate out of the water.

124
00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:59,090
Oh. I guess I'm leaving. Good
to see you. Great meeting!

125
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,051
Ron: I'd like to object again

126
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,386
to being brought
here against my will.

127
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,323
Okay, I'm just gonna
double-check your form here.

128
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:07,891
Ron! You redacted
all the information.

129
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,059
I answered some of them.

130
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,102
For date of birth,
you wrote "springtime".

131
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,854
Which is true.

132
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,540
Everything you write
down is confidential.

133
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,024
We need you to
give real answers.

134
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,400
Fine.

135
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,569
How many drinks of alcohol
do you consume a week?

136
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,696
One. That's it, one drink?

137
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,156
One shelf.

138
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,284
Do you exercise? Yes.

139
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:28,161
Lovemaking and woodworking.

140
00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:30,997
Do you have any history of
mental illness in your family?

141
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,958
I have an uncle who does yoga.

142
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,084
Allergies?

143
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,503
Cowardice and weak-willed men.

144
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:37,629
And hazelnuts.

145
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:38,839
Sexual history.

146
00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:40,882
Epic and private.

147
00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:43,593
Okay. I'm gonna
go get your doctor.

148
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,137
He's a rude, brash jerk.
You'll love him.

149
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:49,336
I'm gonna cut
right to the chase.

150
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,977
I don't like charity.
I don't get it.

151
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:55,814
Feels to me like, I'm giving money
away and getting nothing in return.

152
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:56,940
Well, that's not true.

153
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,942
You can really help
your personal brand

154
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:02,195
if you show that you're a mogul
that gives as much as he gets.

155
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,448
If I give as much as I get,
I'm giving $20 million.

156
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,450
Aye, aye, aye. (Laughs)

157
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,453
That's how much I'm worth,
$20 million.

158
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,163
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

159
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,456
(Laughs)

160
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:18,003
He's disgusting, but I want to take
his money and give it to needy people,

161
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:22,299
so I'm just gonna keep
on smiling. Yay! (Laughs)

162
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:27,095
People who give to charity,
they get amazing press.

163
00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:30,932
Like Bill Gates. Have you
ever heard of Bill Gates?

164
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:35,061
He lives in Seattle, guy
with glasses. Bill Gates?

165
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,897
I know who Bill Gates is.

166
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,315
Bill Gates is,
like, a super nerd.

167
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:41,067
Is this some sort of nerd
thing? Are you calling me a nerd?

168
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,069
He meant Mark Cuban.

169
00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:44,487
Cuban?

170
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:47,198
Now, that's the kind of guy I
can hang out with. Mark Cuban.

171
00:06:47,282 --> 00:06:48,867
Yeah. I'm interested now.

172
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:50,201
Keep talking.

173
00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:51,786
April: Stay still.

174
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:54,956
"Don't think about how much this
itches." That's very good advice.

175
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,893
I have to say,
this is the greatest

176
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,418
search committee ever assembled

177
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,378
to find a new animal
control department head.

178
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:01,981
Chris traeger can
do more with one foot

179
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,316
than most people
can do with three.

180
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,342
I'm not going to lie
to you. I needed that.

181
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,468
I know.

182
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,261
April ludgate is beautiful.
Stop.

183
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:09,596
You are talented.

184
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,799
But most importantly, you're
passionate about animals.

185
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:14,184
That's true.
It's because I'm halfwolf.

186
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,519
Okay, Donna, you took
a look at all the resumes,

187
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:17,747
so send in the best candidate.

188
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,732
Wassup? I'm Harris.
I'm 33 years young.

189
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:24,027
I have my cousin Jason's
truck for two more weeks.

190
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:28,198
I have one testicle. Whac-a-mole
accident. And I'm down to clown.

191
00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,576
Harris, we know who you are.
I iiterallyjust fired you.

192
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:36,456
(Laughs) Is this that job?
That's crazy. Never mind.

193
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,684
Why would you think Harris
would be the best candidate?

194
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:40,710
'Cause he's one
of only two applicants

195
00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,921
with actual experience
at animal control.

196
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,464
Uh-oh. Does that mean...

197
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,800
What up? Yo, my name is Brett.

198
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:50,303
I like burgers. And also,
I'm very high right now.

199
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:51,888
Dude, this is hilarious!

200
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:53,306
Oh, yo!

201
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,933
(Laughing)

202
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,059
We live together!

203
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,352
Yo, we live in the same place!

204
00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:58,895
Harris: This is my boy!

205
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,481
Hey, wyld stallyns!

206
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:03,650
You guys know why there
are all those cops out there?

207
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,276
Where are the cops at?

208
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,404
I gotta go.

209
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,493
A lot of charities waste
their money on overhead,

210
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,161
but we at
the sweetums foundation,

211
00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,746
okay. Spend our money wisely.

212
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,748
You know what? Shut up.
All right.

213
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,417
You guys seem like
pretty cool dudes,

214
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,793
and I'm feeling pretty generous,

215
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:25,588
so why don't we take this conversation
to the Pawnee smokehouse?

216
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,216
Dumb-dumb Eddie, get the
checkbook. We're going out.

217
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,844
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys,
we're going out. Let's scent up!

218
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,138
I call dibs on ooze.

219
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,347
I got money shot.

220
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:35,432
Yeah.

221
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,558
I got blood spurt.

222
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:37,767
Ooh! No, don't use that one.

223
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:39,519
Eh, go ahead.

224
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,771
So why do you want this job?

225
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,650
Well, I love cats,
and dogs sure are great.

226
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,360
Well, you have all
the qualifications.

227
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:48,987
You went to a four-year college.

228
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,614
Actually, when I went there,
it was just a two-year college.

229
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:55,160
Wow, so you're not even technically
qualified to work at your current job.

230
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,120
Aw, jeez.

231
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,306
You're fired. Get out.
Chris: No, no, you're not fired,

232
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:01,392
but we're definitely going
to have to lower your salary.

233
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,501
Oh, well, fair's fair. (Laughs)

234
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:07,964
I am very, very, very,
very frightened of animals.

235
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,300
This may not be the job for you.

236
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,511
I know, but my therapist, Dr. Richard
nygard, told me to confront my fears.

237
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:14,971
You see Dr. Richard nygard?

238
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,599
I'm a nygardian, too!

239
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,142
Would you sign my cast? Yes,

240
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:20,769
but just please
don't give me this job.

241
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:24,606
The spaying and neutering tools,
do you think those fit humans?

242
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:27,484
Mmm-mmm. And is there a
lock on the spaying room door?

243
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,693
Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

244
00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:30,278
Thank you so much for coming in.

245
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:31,988
Thanks for having me.
Leslie: Okay.

246
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:35,408
Hello, Orin. Thank you so
much for applying, now leave.

247
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,868
April: Hey, give him a chance.

248
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,995
What makes you qualified
for animal control?

249
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,498
(In monotonous tone)
I studied zoology in college,

250
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,626
and I can control
animals with my mind.

251
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,252
Get out.

252
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,755
I made you say that.

253
00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:51,216
I liked him.

254
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,761
Well, that was a truly
depressing slate of candidates.

255
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:56,580
I think you've got
several options.

256
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,598
They're all terrible,
but you have them.

257
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,518
Before you begin,
a few ground rules.

258
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,521
I need you to explain
everything you do before you do it,

259
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,232
so I can determine
whether I will allow you... oh.

260
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:10,485
(Groans)

261
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,488
Balsa wood? You could
at least use mahogany.

262
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,616
(Laughing)

263
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,578
There's something
occluding your ear.

264
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,580
It's sawdust. Just blow.

265
00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:24,374
(Ann gasps)

266
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:28,503
You've got strep throat. I'm writing
you a prescription for penicillin.

267
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,106
We'll have the rest
of your test results

268
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,548
in about 20 minutes.
Cholesterol...

269
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:33,967
Not interested. Good day.

270
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,306
Wish all patients
were like that.

271
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,600
It's really annoying
when they ask questions.

272
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,187
You know, they claim
that smoking is bad for you,

273
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:49,315
but is there any medical
evidence to back that up?

274
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,525
Great point.

275
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:53,528
So, the sweetums foundation has
really accomplished a lot recently.

276
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,572
Our health care outreach program

277
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:59,242
has reduced pink eye in
the rural community by 30%...

278
00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,327
To 70%.

279
00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:03,705
Snooze. You guys
ever been fox hunting?

280
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,666
I have my own foxes
flown in from Russia.

281
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,544
We drug them pretty heavily
so they can't get very far.

282
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,463
In fact, mostly, they just
flop around on the ground.

283
00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:14,299
Makes it easier
to just walk up and...

284
00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,259
Bow! (Laughs)

285
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,219
Stupid foxes.

286
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,470
It's deeply erotic.

287
00:11:19,554 --> 00:11:20,597
That sounds amazing.

288
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,515
We should go hunting sometime.

289
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:26,519
I'd love to. I could bust out my
Ralph Lauren fall 2010 collection.

290
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:29,230
Copped it in 2012.
Clearance rack!

291
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:33,526
Wear whatever you want, as long
as it's not too bright or reflective.

292
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:37,197
You know, I want you
blending in to the surroundings.

293
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,531
How fast can you run?

294
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:41,618
I think that guy
wants to hunt me.

295
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,077
So, Dennis, not to interrupt...

296
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,371
Then don't. Boom! (Laughs)

297
00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,873
Shut him right down!

298
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,709
I have heard
so much talking from you.

299
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,629
I don't want to hear your
fat mouth say anything else.

300
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,756
Boo. (Laughs) Ben: Oh.

301
00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:57,592
You're a dick.

302
00:11:58,718 --> 00:11:59,969
Excuse me?

303
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:01,971
Andy... how dare you
talk to me like that?

304
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:03,389
Where are your manners?

305
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,058
You come to me asking for money,

306
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,227
and you treat me like this?
I don't think so.

307
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:09,687
Wrap it up! We're done!

308
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:13,149
Hey! Show these
garbage people out!

309
00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,277
Take the garbage out, Eddie.

310
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:18,780
Donna?

311
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:20,907
Gentlemen.

312
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:26,120
Mr. Palletta, what is
your occupation currently?

313
00:12:26,204 --> 00:12:30,041
I run a children's break dancing
studio called dj. Jazzy vern's.

314
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,684
Do you have any
experience with animals?

315
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,586
A bat landed on my face once.

316
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:38,132
Hey, you know what, he's not a
rack of ribs, so stop grilling him.

317
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:39,342
Nailed it.

318
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:40,825
Ribs are better
smoked than grilled,

319
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,012
so UN-nailed it, with the
back part of the hammer.

320
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,139
How many more questions
are there gonna be?

321
00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,243
Jamm said if I got my teeth
whitened, I'd just get the gig.

322
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,518
(Mumbling)

323
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,412
Hold up, that's enough.
Thank you, you're done.

324
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,854
You did a heck of a job, vernie.

325
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,439
Thanks, jimbo.

326
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,524
Not bad, right?

327
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,192
I mean, if he can catch raccoons

328
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,611
as well as he can teach
six-year-olds to pop and lock,

329
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,154
he's a home run.

330
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,365
That is an insane statement.

331
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:03,728
Well, I don't see anyone better.

332
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,997
April, I got a present for you.

333
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,081
I don't like lotion.

334
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,959
I like my hands to be cracked
and calloused like a railway worker.

335
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:16,462
I know. I filled the bottles with
fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

336
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,423
Really? Thanks.

337
00:13:18,506 --> 00:13:21,259
On an unrelated note, do you
remember all those candidates

338
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,636
we were interviewing
for the animal control job

339
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,639
and how they were all total losers
who didn't care about animals?

340
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,391
Except for Jerry, who was great,

341
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,035
but who we had to pass
on for other reasons.

342
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,686
I was just happy
to be considered.

343
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:35,106
Anyhoo, I nominated
you for the position,

344
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:37,084
and your confirmation hearing
is in three minutes.

345
00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,152
Surprise.
No, I don't want the job.

346
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,587
You can have your
mud and blood back.

347
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:43,781
April, please, you will be so good
at it. You are so good with animals.

348
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,551
Even if I wanted the job,
I don't want to do

349
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,410
the stupid confirmation
heanng, okay?

350
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,888
Stupid councilmen asking me
stupid questions about my stupid life.

351
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,539
It seems stupid. No, it's easy.

352
00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,207
They'll just ask
you a few questions.

353
00:13:53,291 --> 00:13:54,571
Let's practice.
What's your name?

354
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:56,294
Batman. See? I failed.

355
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:59,339
I will be there to help you,
okay? I will be your pocahontas.

356
00:13:59,422 --> 00:14:01,758
Climb into my papoose.
Please do this.

357
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,468
Please, please.
Do it. Do it. Do it.

358
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:04,737
Do it. You're gonna do it. Okay.

359
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,054
Yes! Yay!

360
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:07,513
But only if you divorce Ben.

361
00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:08,657
Hey, don't even joke about that.

362
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,558
What? I really think
he's wrong for you.

363
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,731
We now resume
the confirmation proceedings

364
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,816
for director of
the animal control department.

365
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:22,362
Okay. Let's tear this
chick a new one, shall we?

366
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,989
Ms. Ludgate,
we have found many e-mails

367
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,993
showing how you sexually
harassed Leslie knope's assistant.

368
00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:31,621
Andy? That's my husband.

369
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,874
They were still extremely graphic,
and appreciated by all of us.

370
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,960
I had never heard of several
of those terms, and I'm a freak.

371
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,338
Those are personal. No
one's allowed to read those.

372
00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:44,550
You once posted a video of
yourself drinking alcohol in city hall

373
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:45,968
while you were still a minor.

374
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,220
How do you justify that?

375
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:50,973
Easily. Alcohol is
delicious and fun...

376
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:54,143
Damentally a substance
that should not be abused.

377
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,645
I agree, April. Very good point.

378
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,648
Wow. Ms. Ludgate,
are you a ventriloquist?

379
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,400
I mean, that is amazing
how you make

380
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:02,985
your words come out
of Ms. Knope's mouth.

381
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,546
Would you like to
put her on your knee?

382
00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:05,988
I mean, that'd be really fun.

383
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,282
Just three years ago, you
drove... she's not ready.

384
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,326
Now, you've rushed
her into this,

385
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,286
and now jamm's
sharpening the knives.

386
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:15,164
Leslie, no one needs
to be jammed today.

387
00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:18,251
Okay, all we need is
some kind of distraction.

388
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,253
Grab that gave!
And break your other foot.

389
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,614
Ihketheidea
of double the signings,

390
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,274
but I think the negatives
outweigh the positives.

391
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:26,092
Don't panic.
Maybe she can pull this off.

392
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,511
I guess my first move
as director would be to fill

393
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,097
your office, house,
and car with snakes,

394
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,099
and then train a crow
to fly up your butt.

395
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:36,144
Okay! Let's take a brief recess.

396
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,938
Well, well, well.
Look who's back.

397
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,774
Thank you so much
for seeing us again, sir.

398
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:45,236
We just came to apologize.

399
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:48,197
Mr. Dennis feinstein,
let me just say,

400
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,992
from the bottom
of my heart, my bad.

401
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:54,495
I just started working here,
and I really want to do a good job,

402
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:56,998
and I blew it.

403
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:00,751
Thank you for saying that.

404
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,396
Thought about it last night,

405
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,255
and I decided that
if you came in here

406
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,091
and apologized to me like a man,

407
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:09,385
that I would forgive you,
and that's what you've done,

408
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,012
so you're forgiven.

409
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,221
To that end,

410
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,893
here is a check
for $25,000 for your charity.

411
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,561
(Sighs) Go out there

412
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,229
and help some kids
with their pink eye,

413
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,665
or whatever it is
you guys are doing.

414
00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:24,108
Mr. Feinstein, thank you.
This is extremely generous.

415
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,902
It's nothing, really.
I'm happy to help.

416
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:29,113
This check is made out to
"go (bleep) Yourself."

417
00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,490
In yourface!

418
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,743
Dennis feinstein helps no man!

419
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,912
Get the hell out of my office!

420
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,848
What's your problem? Why did
you make me apologize to him?

421
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:39,916
Guys, guys, hold on a sec, okay?

422
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,627
Mr. Feinstein,
with all due respect,

423
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,546
you are a major dick.

424
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:46,631
Dennis: What? Tom: Run!

425
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:47,924
Eddie, get my crossbow.

426
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,151
Andy: Crossbow? What the...

427
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,760
You will pay for this!

428
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,679
Hey, you look better.

429
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:57,058
I guess actual medicine can be
effective. Who would've thunk?

430
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:58,226
Please leave me alone.

431
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:01,187
Not until we go over your test
results and your blood work.

432
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:03,189
Your blood pressure looks fine.

433
00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:06,192
I'm not sure how this is possible,
but your cholesterol is 120,

434
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:07,503
which is the lowest
I've ever seen.

435
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:09,111
What's cholesterol?

436
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,572
And the only problem I see
is that your potassium's low,

437
00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,491
so just eat a banana
once in a while.

438
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,702
No, thank you.
I live the way I live,

439
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:20,873
I eat the things I eat,
and I'll die the way I'll die.

440
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,626
That's oddly beautiful,
but also stupid.

441
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,254
You're not alone
in the world anymore, Ron.

442
00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,089
You're dating a woman
who has two kids.

443
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,049
So, every three days,

444
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,260
think about Ivy
and Zoe and Diane,

445
00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:34,095
and eat a damn banana.

446
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,473
(Groans)

447
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,309
I am so sorry, April.

448
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,020
You are doing terribly up
there, and it's all my fault.

449
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:44,689
It's not you, it's me.

450
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:45,982
Are you breaking up with me?

451
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,167
I'm breaking up with the idea

452
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,110
of you being director
of animal control.

453
00:17:49,193 --> 00:17:53,239
I say we just withdraw your
application and let vern become director.

454
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,366
He does have good teeth. No!

455
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,286
All right, I have an idea.

456
00:17:58,369 --> 00:17:59,829
Trust me.

457
00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:03,749
Ms. Ludgate, it is the
opinion of this committee

458
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,543
that you are terrible.

459
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:08,504
Can you give me even one reason

460
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,214
why you're the right
man for this job?

461
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:13,217
No. But neither is your guy.

462
00:18:13,301 --> 00:18:14,844
Neither of us
should get the job.

463
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,053
Oh, no? Why is that?

464
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:18,931
There shouldn't be a separate
animal control department.

465
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,309
Its budget is tiny,
and it's ineffective,

466
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,936
and frankly,
no one could change that.

467
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,856
So I think it should be absorbed
into the parks department.

468
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,649
That is a genius idea.

469
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:31,611
Somebody wake up Milton.
History is being made.

470
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:32,903
Iwo jima!

471
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:34,780
Animal control would be
way more effective

472
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,091
if it ran through
the parks department,

473
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,909
and if you want, I can
write up an official report

474
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,911
inlanguage
simple enough for even

475
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,997
you dummies to understand.
Dummies.

476
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:45,517
Councilman, you have to admit
that that idea makes a lot of sense.

477
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,002
Hang on a second.
You seem to be forgetting

478
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,171
that I already told
vern he got the job,

479
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:51,922
and he already
bought a new speedboat.

480
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,716
Leslie: Well, I hope
he kept a receipt.

481
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,844
That was a brilliant idea
from a dark, tortured genius,

482
00:18:56,927 --> 00:19:00,181
and I move that animal control
be absorbed into parks and rec.

483
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:02,433
I second that.

484
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:04,935
Leslie: Yay!

485
00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:08,022
Look at that, April.
You won over jamm.

486
00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,440
Jamm: Uh, no, she didn't.

487
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,567
I'm just sick of being
on the losing side.

488
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:14,028
I'm going to tell everyone
this was my idea.

489
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:16,989
Retro-jammed.

490
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,786
What do we do now?

491
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,622
Can I apologize again? I'm
getting really good at apologizing.

492
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,625
Screw that. You should apologize
for apologizing to that guy.

493
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:29,478
God, we really could've
used the money, though.

494
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,253
Just wish we'd made
a bigger impression.

495
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:33,547
You did. I was really impressed

496
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:36,217
by all the stuff the foundation's
done for all them poor homies.

497
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,968
So, you know what?

498
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,137
Rent-a-swag is gonna
donate five cents

499
00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:42,181
from every dollar
we make this month.

500
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,864
It's not feinstein money,
but it'll help.

501
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:45,768
That's very generous, Tom.

502
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,186
Feinstein's the worst.

503
00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:50,147
I hope he gets into an accident
driving that rolex mobile.

504
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:53,442
For the last time, it's a
rolexus, and you can't drive it.

505
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,278
Leslie: April,
I have a gift for you.

506
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,613
Ta-da.

507
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,115
At Leslie's suggestion,

508
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,449
I have made you deputy director

509
00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,993
of animal control within
the parks department.

510
00:20:03,077 --> 00:20:05,162
You'll be amazing at it,
and the best part,

511
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,622
there is no
confirmation hearing.

512
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,582
How did you make
this plaque so quickly?

513
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,026
I had it made
your first week here.

514
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:13,087
I knew you'd be going places,
so I wanted to be prepared.

515
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:15,881
Can I hire an intern? Not yet.

516
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:17,466
Can I hire a Mexican elf? No.

517
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,260
Can I buy a child bride? No.

518
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,303
Then how is this
even a promotion?

519
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,657
Leslie: Government shouldn't
operate based on personal favors.

520
00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:25,933
It should operate
based on good ideas.

521
00:20:26,016 --> 00:20:29,019
April had the best idea,
and today the best idea won.

522
00:20:29,103 --> 00:20:30,980
Leslie, I really have
to go to the bathroom.

523
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,773
Oh, yeah, right, sorry.

524
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:34,191
You don't have
to come in with me.

525
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:35,568
Oh, iwasn't going to.

526
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,130
Chris: Could you pick up
the pace a little bit?

527
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:39,947
Leslie: Yes, miss Daisy.

528
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,407
Night, Ron.

529
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:42,491
Jerry: Night, Ron.

530
00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,464
(Groans)

531
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,549
Ladies, ladies.

532
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,852
(Gags)

533
00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:18,736
(Huffs)