1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,672 Alt(chanflng) Tedltedlted! Tedltedlted! 2 00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:09,885 Leslie: Article two, section two of the Pawnee charter reads, 3 00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:12,804 "be it decreed: Should the taxation of tea 4 00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:14,848 "rise to an unacceptable level, 5 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,101 "citizens shall dump Ted into ramsett lake." 6 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:19,645 (All cheering) 7 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:21,438 Does anyone object? 8 00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,190 As always, I object. 9 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,942 Nay, enough dithering! 10 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,361 Dump the miscreant! Boo! 11 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:28,737 (All cheering) 12 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:32,157 Leslie: Today is Ted party day, where we commemorate 13 00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:34,660 the great Pawnee tea dump of 1817. 14 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:35,994 Historical fun fact, 15 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:38,121 when the founding fathers wrote the charter, 16 00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,873 their old-timey script made 17 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,583 one of the as look like a d, 18 00:00:41,667 --> 00:00:43,043 so "tea" became "Ted." 19 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,562 It's just one of those little things 20 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:47,339 that reminds us of Pawnee's rich and vibrant past. 21 00:00:47,422 --> 00:00:50,551 Plus, we get to go find a guy named Ted and throw him into the lake. 22 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:51,760 Crowd: One! 23 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,428 I don't even go by Ted! 24 00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:54,555 Two! 25 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:55,764 I go by Theodore! 26 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:56,974 Three! 27 00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:58,600 (All cheering) 28 00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,416 Hey, Ted. Great job today. 29 00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:23,939 You were so funny when you were like, 30 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:25,877 "my cell phone, I left it in my pocket." 31 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:27,814 Then you checked it, remember, and it didn't work. 32 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,339 (Laughs) Yeah, that was hilarious. 33 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:32,801 Listen, I am just here to say that I am done with Ted party day. 34 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,095 Ha! Classic Ted. Ted: I'm serious. 35 00:01:35,220 --> 00:01:36,972 I'm not getting dumped in that lake anymore. 36 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,199 And I talked to the other Teds in town, 37 00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:39,503 and they're not doing it either. 38 00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:40,976 Come on, Ted party day is protected 39 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,853 by article two in the town charter. 40 00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,022 And we have the right, nay, the obligation, 41 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,065 to dump Ted into the lake every year. 42 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,501 That's the way it's always been done. 43 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,503 Okay, first of all, "that's the way it's always been done" 44 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,863 is not a good reason to keep doing something. 45 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,365 Second, it was a misprint. They clearly meant tea. 46 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,284 I just think you need to be careful 47 00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,328 about speculating what the founders meant 48 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,163 when they were writing the town charter. 49 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:04,416 Okay, fine. You want to enforce every single old law we have on our books? 50 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,209 Hey, can I see your keys for a second? 51 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,086 Here's a quarter. 52 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,755 I own your car now. 53 00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:11,381 Sorry. 54 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:14,009 The Pawnee charter clearly states that any white citizen 55 00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:17,262 has the right to seize any Indian property for 25 cents. 56 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,931 That is an outdated and racist law. 57 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,100 And obviously, they meant American Indian. 58 00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,852 Whoa, I think we should be careful 59 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:25,812 when we speculate what the founders intended 60 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:27,016 when they wrote the charter. 61 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:30,233 Okay, Ted. I know what you're doing. You're quoting me back to me. 62 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,069 But I'm gonna quote me back to you 63 00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:34,029 and say that Ted party day will never change. 64 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:38,992 Uh-oh. You, a woman, just raised your voice to a landowning male. 65 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:41,703 According to a Pawnee statute passed in 1868, 66 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,121 I get to do this. 67 00:02:47,751 --> 00:02:49,753 I was not aware of that statute. 68 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:53,090 Ron, you have to help me. 69 00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:54,675 Chris is making me do some stupid 70 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,426 management training leadership course. 71 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,475 Now that you run the animal control department, 72 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:01,390 you have qualified for the Chris traeger management training seminar 73 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,058 or ctmts. 74 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,811 It's not a great acronym, but it is a great seminar. 75 00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:07,854 Can you get me out of it? 76 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:08,939 Yes. 77 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,609 Ron: Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, 78 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:13,819 I'd choose to do nothing. 79 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,530 But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. 80 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,116 I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done. 81 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:21,410 Chris: Ron Swanson and April ludgate, 82 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,896 literally my two favorite people in the cataloged universe. 83 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:27,874 April will not be participating in your pointless course 84 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:30,043 because she has more important things to do 85 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:33,463 like not participating in your pointless course. 86 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:37,008 I just want April to become as great a department head as yourself. 87 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,844 Which is why this is pointless. 88 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,596 I've been head of the parks department for 12 years, 89 00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:44,099 and I never had any management training course. 90 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:47,102 Ron, you've never been ctmtsed? 91 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:50,564 I am legally required to ctmts every department head. 92 00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:52,734 Othennise, we are open to all kinds of liability. 93 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:53,817 What are you saying? 94 00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,420 I'm saying that tomorrow during the seminar, 95 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,028 April is going to have a classmate. 96 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:58,405 And spoiler alert... 97 00:03:58,488 --> 00:03:59,990 It's you. It's alf. 98 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,034 This went poorly. 99 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:04,578 (Door opens) 100 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,538 What, no. Damn it! 101 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:07,831 What are you bidding on? 102 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,667 It better not be Terrence Howard's tank top from hustle & flow. 103 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,169 Good. Hisnot 104 00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,480 'cause I am bidding on it and I am ready to spend an amount 105 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,923 that my accountant calls "dangerous and irresponsible." 106 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:19,760 Jj's diner put an old waffle iron up for auction. 107 00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:21,928 It's the perfect breakfast day gift for Leslie. 108 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,096 "Breakfast day"? 109 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,223 Ann: Leslie has anniversaries for everything. 110 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,601 "Zoo day," first time we went to the zoo together. 111 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:30,037 "Double date day," it was the first time we went on a double date. 112 00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:31,313 "Daniel day-Lewis day." 113 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,481 "Talk like a pirate day." 114 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,958 "Talk like a Pittsburgh pirate day," 115 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,817 which, why and how? 116 00:04:35,901 --> 00:04:38,904 This calendar was last year's calendar day present 117 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:42,699 celebrating the first time she ever bought me a calendar. 118 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:43,950 (Sighs) 119 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,012 You have to buy a present for every one of these? 120 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,264 She always tells me not to, but then she buys me something 121 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,183 that's awesome and thoughtful, and then I feel terrible. 122 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,167 But that's the thing. This is the perfect present. 123 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:56,046 I just keep getting outbid by someone named "tall Tyrion Lannister." 124 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,839 What kind of name is Tyrion anyway? 125 00:04:57,923 --> 00:05:00,050 You're kidding, right? Tyrion Lannister? 126 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:03,220 Lord of casterly rock? The half-man? 127 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:04,864 You don't watch game of thrones? 128 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,807 No. You do? Hell yeah. 129 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:09,017 Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? 130 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,477 They can get it. 131 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:13,063 Everybody on that show can get it. 132 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,149 I think I know who I'm bidding against. 133 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,402 Leslie: I now realize that I was wrong, 134 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,613 and it's time that we purged the books 135 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:25,158 of many of our town's outdated and obscure laws. 136 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:28,346 The bill that I have written with the full support of the city council 137 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:31,498 will repeal 110 obsolete laws 138 00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:35,377 such as all menstruating women shall be confined to their bathtubs 139 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,839 and article two, aka, Ted party day. 140 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:41,007 The floor is now open for public comments. 141 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:42,509 Oh, here we go. Thank you. 142 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:46,137 My name is garth blundin, and I object to your ridiculous proposal. 143 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:50,141 Uh, the Pawnee charter shall not be changed. 144 00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,768 Not today, not ever! 145 00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,229 Wow, a lot of passion, Mr. Blundin. Thank you so much. 146 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,957 Your objection is noted and officially in the record. 147 00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:57,315 Shall we proceed to... 148 00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:58,817 No. No, we shall not. 149 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:02,904 Article seven, section three allows for a citizen filibuster. 150 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:06,533 If I stand here and refuse to yield my time, 151 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,244 you are prohibited from voting on the bill. 152 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:13,415 That section defines buffalo meat as acceptable currency. 153 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,938 Mm-hmm. Is that the buffalo meat one? 154 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:18,837 I meant article three, section seven. 155 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:22,257 (Clears his throat) Let the filibustering begin. 156 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,051 I would now like to share some ideas I have 157 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,721 for j.J. Abrams' seventh chapter 158 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:29,347 in the star wars saga. 159 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:32,309 Pan down from the twin suns of Tatooine. 160 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,312 We are now close on the mouth of the sarlacc pit. 161 00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,438 After a beat, 162 00:06:36,521 --> 00:06:40,775 the gloved Mandalorian armor gauntlet of Boba Fett 163 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:43,612 grabs onto the sand outside the sarlacc pit 164 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:46,823 and the feared bounty hunter pulls himself 165 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:50,243 from the maw of the sand beast. Then... 166 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,661 Ugh. He's right. He can do this. 167 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:52,825 (Garth continues inaudibly) 168 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:54,265 This is exactly why we need to modernize these laws. 169 00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:57,167 This kind of thing made sense when we had council in a barn 170 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,877 and there were 80 people in the town. 171 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,587 But now, this is nuts. 172 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,380 Garth: If he holds the reality gem, 173 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,717 that means he can jump from different realities. 174 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,344 This will be our link 175 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,055 to the marvel universe from the star wars universe. 176 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:14,059 Imagine those two going up against robot Chewbacca, 177 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,352 'cause that's gonna happen. 178 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,354 After a beat, Luke says, 179 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,665 "Darth Vader was my father, but Ben Kenobi was my master." 180 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,483 And he cuts Hannibal Lecter in half. 181 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:22,734 Mr. Blundin, 182 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,486 look, the laws I'm trying to get rid of 183 00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,404 have no more relevance in modern society 184 00:07:26,488 --> 00:07:27,989 and they're embarrassing to Pawnee. 185 00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,992 Repealing them would show that we're changing with the times. 186 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,662 You can't just change the charter Willy-nilly. 187 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:36,790 You start by casuahyrepeahng a couple of old laws, 188 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,542 the next thing you know, yourjackbooted stormtroopers 189 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,503 are kicking in my door and arresting my wife 190 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,338 for no reason, if I were married. 191 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,466 By "jackbooted stormtroopers," do you mean the Pawnee police department? 192 00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:47,592 Hey, Clyde. 193 00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:48,927 Hi, Leslie. 194 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,553 Good Danish today. 195 00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,473 The Pawnee charter is not a living document, Ms. Knope. 196 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,684 You have no respect for the traditions of this town. 197 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,185 I absolutely do. 198 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,646 I used to give tours at the Pawnee historical house. 199 00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:01,856 Three times employee of the fortnight. 200 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:04,609 Oh, big deal, you put on a costume for a couple hours. 201 00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:08,613 By that logic, every time I go to bed at night, I am Wolverine. 202 00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,407 You bought X-Men pajamas? 203 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,826 I won them, madam, in a raffle. 204 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:14,536 The point is is that our founding fathers 205 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,180 were brilliant and they were courageous, 206 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,624 but they also had wooden teeth and pooped in holes in the ground. 207 00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,376 It was a more primitive time. 208 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,711 It was a better time. 209 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:23,837 (Scoffs) 210 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,880 You wouldn't have survived two weeks in their day. 211 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,049 Oh, really? How about a little wager? 212 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,593 How about you and I go live in that historical house, 213 00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,680 no modern technology, 1817 rules. 214 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,598 If you last longer, I withdraw my bill. 215 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,642 I win, you stop this nonsense. 216 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:40,228 (Laughing) You have yourself a deal. 217 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,858 Please write down what you hope to gain from the seminar, 218 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,569 seal it in the envelope, and then we'll open it when it's over. 219 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,195 When is this over? 220 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,697 As soon as you learn to embrace 221 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,144 the power of positive motivation. 222 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,053 It's a nine-hour seminar over two days. 223 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:56,870 Whoa! Oh, good. 224 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,163 All right, let's begin. 225 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,206 Hop on board the management train. 226 00:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,709 First stop, motivation station. 227 00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:03,877 (Blows train whistle) 228 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,879 (Shouting) All aboard! 229 00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,631 Stop bidding on my waffle iron. 230 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,383 You're "future Mrs. Tiger Woods"? 231 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,987 I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it. 232 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:16,598 The point is, I'm getting that waffle iron for Leslie for breakfast day. 233 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:19,726 No, you're not. I'm getting it for her for waffle day. 234 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,227 Wait, you have a breakfast day, too? 235 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,063 Mine's in June. Please, Ben. 236 00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,665 This is the celebration of the anniversary 237 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,316 of the first time we hung out at jj's, 238 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,419 which she considers the beginning of our friendship. 239 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,070 Well, imagine being married to her. 240 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,822 It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow 241 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,783 filled with cherished memories. 242 00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:37,386 I can't believe I'm complaining about how thoughtful my wife is. 243 00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:39,079 I'm sorry, honey. I love you. 244 00:09:39,162 --> 00:09:40,538 Look, lhave known her for longer, 245 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,345 I have five years' worth of anniversaries, 246 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:43,458 so I have seniority. 247 00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:45,251 Oh, god. Oh, no. We've lost the auction. 248 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,336 What? No. 249 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,214 Somebody swooped in at the last second, and now we're both screwed. 250 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,591 No. Okay, Tyrion Lannister, 251 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:52,860 why don't you just cast a spell 252 00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:54,177 and get us the waffle iron back? 253 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,805 Okay. I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are. 254 00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:58,783 Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't. 255 00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:00,558 The lannisters, while very wealthy, 256 00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,519 do not possess the magical abilities 257 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,771 of, say, the warlocks of qarth for example. 258 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:06,856 This is why we don't hang out. 259 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,527 Chris: Think of yourselves as engineers 260 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:12,403 steering a locomotive of positivity 261 00:10:12,487 --> 00:10:13,780 that runs on team power. 262 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,616 First of all, you don't steer a locomotive. 263 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:17,909 The tracks do. 264 00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:20,703 Second, there are only three ways to motivate people. 265 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,539 Money, fear, and hunger. 266 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:23,790 Oh, I disagree. 267 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:26,501 What about encouragement, appreciation, 268 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:28,086 and smiles. 269 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:31,589 When people feel supported, they will literally explode with productivity. 270 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,886 Can you guys just figure out which way is better 271 00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:35,135 and tell me so we can leave? 272 00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:36,278 Thank you for your input, April, 273 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,222 but the ctmts requires that we follow a very specific syllabus. 274 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,825 You're not being very inclusive, Chris. 275 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,684 I feel like my input isn't being appreciated. 276 00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:44,519 You've killed my spirit. 277 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,980 My spirit blood is on your hands. 278 00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,108 My god, I've taught you so much already. 279 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,152 Ron, I propose a challenge 280 00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:54,946 to see whose motivational methods are more effective. 281 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,865 Ron: Challenge accepted. 282 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,117 I don't want to seem overdramatic, 283 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,870 but this is literally a battle for April's soul. 284 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,539 I don't want to seem overdramatic, 285 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:07,000 but I don't really care what happens here. 286 00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,753 Andy: Oh, god. I hate this place. 287 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,673 Everything is old. Old things are dumb. 288 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,633 It's like, just be new. 289 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:16,843 I don't know, Tom. 290 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:18,696 I think there's some pretty cool things from back then. 291 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,096 That is a dope bonnet. (Door opens) 292 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,056 Oh, just getting here, I see. 293 00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,892 Yikes. Did you sleep here last night? 294 00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:26,019 Indeed. I want to be here when the cock crows 295 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,145 to get the chores done. 296 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,813 Already, I've done the preserves 297 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,649 and chased off an interloping cable installer. 298 00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:35,278 Okay, well, let's put all modern devices in this pail. 299 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,906 Nothing can be used that was invented past 1817. 300 00:11:38,573 --> 00:11:40,575 Andy, Tom, you will be our referees. 301 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:41,738 Thank you for volunteering. 302 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,762 Definitely didn't volunteer. I had much better things to do. 303 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,055 Leslie said she'd pay me 100 bucks. 304 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,498 And I had nothing better to do. I'm doing it for free. 305 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,518 Leslie: There's no way I'm losing this contest. 306 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,835 Old-timey dress? Check. 307 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:53,588 Extensive knowledge about early prairie life? Right here. 308 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:54,881 Rickets? Cured. 309 00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,066 Don't need to worry about rickets. 310 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,676 Antiperspirant? Not allowed. 311 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,012 Might get a little rough in there. 312 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,182 Hey, I was wondering if you could help me out. 313 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:05,767 Say no more. 314 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,518 Here's a bunch of guns. 315 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,854 Nope. Different thing. 316 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,775 I saw that you recently won an auction for the jj's diner waffle iron. 317 00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,735 And I'd like to... That's it right there. 318 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:17,458 I'd like to buy it. You and everyone else. 319 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:19,656 Hello, Ben. 320 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,408 Seems like I love Leslie more than you do. 321 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:23,868 Get in line. Roz: Yeah. 322 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,495 Get in line, pal. 323 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,955 Who are you? I'm roz. 324 00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:29,165 I'm Leslie's mailwoman, and I need to get her 325 00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,501 a mail day present by next Wednesday. 326 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,461 It's the anniversary of the first... 327 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,922 Both: Time you delivered her mail. Yeah, we get it. 328 00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:37,924 Looks like we've got ourselves an old-fashioned 329 00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:40,009 pawnshop waffle iron bidding war. 330 00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,804 Let's start the bidding at $650,000. 331 00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:45,181 Okay, I'll counter with 100 bucks. 332 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,391 200. 333 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:47,743 I'll let you take anything out of this bag. 334 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:48,869 Owner: I'll tell you what, Ann. 335 00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:50,773 I'll give it to you if you go on a date with me. 336 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,773 Oh, god. I can't believe I'm about to do this, butfine. 337 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,526 One date. But let me make one thing perfectly clear... 338 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,111 500 bucks. Sold. 339 00:12:58,319 --> 00:12:59,862 What? You still want to go out? 340 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:03,783 I just come into some money. $500 buys a lot of nitrous. 341 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,704 Yeah, nothing warms the blood like an old whirly-bout 342 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,973 with the old butter-gyre, eh, leshe? 343 00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:10,290 Indeed. 344 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,663 (Whispering) Man, this guy's tougher than I thought. 345 00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,520 I don't know how either of you guys are doing this. 346 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:16,144 One time my refrigerator stopped working, 347 00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,690 I didn't know what to do. I just moved. 348 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,841 I just don't think he's ever gonna quit. 349 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,677 He has that look in his eye that Ben gets when he plays risk. 350 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,887 (Sound of churn rattling quickly) 351 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,807 Oh, wow. That is really good. 352 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,517 Leslie: Andy. No, I'm sorry. 353 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:30,685 This tastes great. 354 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,288 All my favorite foods have butter on 'em. 355 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,565 Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes. 356 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:36,649 (Gasps) 357 00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:38,484 Butter is my favorite food. 358 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,546 Well, then you're gonna love what I'm churning up. (Chuckles) 359 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:41,797 Take a look at... oh, my god. This is horrifying. 360 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,614 (Gasps) Nobody eat that. 361 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:45,950 Leslie: I think I'm in over my head. 362 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,577 Garth really knows his stuff. 363 00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,871 He planted an entire field of barley. 364 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,040 How long is he planning on staying here? 365 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:56,419 Hey, um, aren't we husband and wife in this scenario? 366 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,147 I mean, like, shouldn't you... not a chance. 367 00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,297 Okay. 368 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,720 Wait, what's that? 369 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:07,221 Do you guys feel that? 370 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:09,807 (Screams) (Chicken clucking) 371 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,100 How long was that under there? 372 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,227 Tom: Man, garth is a machine. 373 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:15,355 He brought his own whale blubber to light the lamps. 374 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,357 I thought he was gonna last an hour Max. 375 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,068 It's like he's getting stronger the longer he stays here. 376 00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:21,152 Garth: Wee! 377 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:23,071 Look at my hoop, Leslie. 378 00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:24,489 Look at my hoop! 379 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,324 (Scoffs) Who could live like this? 380 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:28,826 No one. That's why we've moved on. 381 00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:31,829 It's fun to be here on, like, a school field trip or something. 382 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:32,955 It's so, so, so fun. 383 00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:34,165 So, so fun. 384 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,125 But to live like this is insane. 385 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,127 He must have cheated somehow. 386 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:40,356 I mean, there's no way a man who's into X-Men that much 387 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,020 can stay away from the Internet that long. 388 00:14:42,298 --> 00:14:43,338 We should check his phone. 389 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,426 Garth: (Singing) Goodness, how delicious 390 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:47,220 eating goober peas 391 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,889 Chris: Jerry gergich. 392 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:51,974 I need you to stop whatever it is you're doing 393 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,143 and file as many of these as you can. 394 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:58,189 Wow, duraflex cut-top a350s in deep maroon? 395 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:00,691 (Chuckles) The honor is all mine. 396 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,652 Well, I knew you were the man for the job. 397 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,113 You are smart and capable. 398 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,907 And I believe you can accomplish anything. 399 00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,617 Thank you so much. 400 00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:11,828 You got it, champ. Get filing. 401 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,121 Ho-ho! Aye, aye, captain. 402 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,707 Chris: That is one motivated worker bee. 403 00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,334 You guys doing experiments on Jerry? 404 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:19,752 Yes. Yes. 405 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:20,962 Cool. 406 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,216 (Rattling sound) 407 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,801 Tom: Got it. 408 00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,362 Okay, now let's not read anything. 409 00:15:28,386 --> 00:15:29,804 That's an invasion of his privacy. 410 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,639 Let's just look at his browser history 411 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,808 and his inbox and his outbox and his Facebook page. 412 00:15:33,891 --> 00:15:35,331 Yeah, he doesn't have any new emails. 413 00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:37,061 Oh, my god. It's true. 414 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,188 He hasn't gotten an email in 415 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,398 twelve days! 416 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,649 Is he a ghost? 417 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,443 The only ones he gets are spam. 418 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,069 And he responds to them. 419 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:46,612 I think I'm gonna be sick. 420 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,781 Oh, man. This guy has no friends. 421 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,268 Andy: I don't know. Seems like he's friends with that mule. 422 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:52,326 (Sighs) 423 00:15:55,246 --> 00:15:56,414 What's that? 424 00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:59,041 Well, since I can't give her a waffle iron for breakfast day, 425 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:02,044 I am making her a miniature Leslie out of breakfast food. 426 00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,129 Good lord. 427 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:04,314 Well, listen, I've been thinking. 428 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,883 How would you feel about going in on the waffle iron together? 429 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,968 Seriously? That would be great, 430 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,803 but whose holiday are we celebrating? 431 00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:12,805 Well, I think I may have a plan that'll get us 432 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,891 out of breakfast day and waffle day 433 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,852 and all the other days without making us seem like ungrateful people 434 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:20,313 who are annoyed at how amazing Leslie is. 435 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,732 Dude, whatever it is, I'm in. 436 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:23,816 Okay, great. 437 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:24,960 What should I do with this? 438 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:28,112 Uh, just burn it and Bury the ashes and pray it doesn't haunt you. 439 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:34,160 Jerry, stop filing those red folders at once. 440 00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,245 Begin filing these blue ones. 441 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,289 Oh, sorry, Ron. I promised Chris that... 442 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:39,916 This is the top priority. 443 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,667 I need these blue folders done now. 444 00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:44,670 You can eat when you have finished. 445 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,255 (Yelling) File! 446 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,715 Oh, my goodness. 447 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,302 Money, fear, hunger. 448 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,682 Leslie: Hey, there, garth. Whatcha whittling? 449 00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:58,643 A birthing stick. What's that? 450 00:16:58,726 --> 00:16:59,936 You do not want to know. 451 00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:01,145 Oh, my god. 452 00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:02,480 Oh, you look beautiful. 453 00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,106 I mean, you changed clothes. 454 00:17:04,190 --> 00:17:06,108 Violation. Ichahenge_. 455 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,902 You are bonnetless! Yes, you're right. 456 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,820 I admit, I can't take it anymore. You win. 457 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:12,406 Huzzah! The day is mine. 458 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,158 (Clears throat) I... 459 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:16,702 Yeah. I'm gonna miss saying huzzah. 460 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,829 Garth, I have another proposition. 461 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:20,748 Yes, I will go out on a date with you, 462 00:17:20,915 --> 00:17:22,750 but I realize you're a modern woman, 463 00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,669 so I will let you pay. 464 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,849 No. I was wondering, would you like to join 465 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,714 the Pawnee historical commission? 466 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:31,092 Those clowns? No, thank you. 467 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,237 They haven't answered a single one of my complaints 468 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:36,264 about their anachronistic use of fonts in their newsletter. 469 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:38,933 Well, I'm a member, and I think we could really use you. 470 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:42,353 But the only problem is there's tons of meetings, 471 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:45,690 lots of work with people who also love history, 472 00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:49,193 and many social occasions that you're gonna have to attend, 473 00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:51,028 like cocktail parties and such. 474 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,675 I can understand if it's something you don't want to commit to. 475 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:56,367 Just sounds like such a big bite out of my soap-making time. 476 00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,161 (Sighs) My cousin's arraignment is in may. 477 00:17:59,245 --> 00:18:02,164 But that's a day. I just fly out, I come back the same day. 478 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,541 On a trial basis, yes. 479 00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:04,875 Yes, yes. 480 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,502 Great. Welcome to the team. 481 00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:08,355 Leslie: Garth dropped his protest, 482 00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:11,507 and we were able to get rid of all the outdated laws in the town charter. 483 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,634 I mean, the charter is a wonderful document, 484 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:17,763 but we've had the benefit of almost 200 years of learning and advancing. 485 00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,682 Seems to me we ought to use it. 486 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:22,101 I did not change article two, though. 487 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,895 I just couldn't vote against a good, old-fashioned lake dunking. 488 00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:26,748 Though garth and I did come up with a compromise 489 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,608 that I think will make everybody happy. 490 00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:32,236 From this year hence, a volunteer will represent Ted 491 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:35,448 in our town's most historic and cherished tradition. 492 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:38,993 This year, the honor goes to Mr. Garth blundin! 493 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,828 (All cheering) 494 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:44,915 Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted! 495 00:18:44,999 --> 00:18:46,167 Andy: I'm Ted, too, guys. 496 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,960 Leslie: Andy! Yeah! 497 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,920 He's naked, everybody! Put that away! 498 00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:51,005 We're all Ted! Yeah! 499 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,089 Leslie: No, Andy! 500 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,508 (All cheering) 501 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:56,302 Woo! 502 00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:59,263 Thank god. I don't know how to swim. 503 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,141 Donna: Okay, final tally. 504 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,144 Jerry filed 268 red files. 505 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,479 Yes! 506 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:09,649 And 384 blue files. 507 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,484 Yes. Wait a minute. How is that possible? 508 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,795 Well, he was so happy when you told him he was doing a great job 509 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:16,214 that he spent 20 minutes on the phone telling Gayle about it. 510 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:17,490 And the prosecution rests. 511 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:18,991 Not so fast. 512 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,618 He may have filed more blue ones, 513 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,137 but they're almost all filed wrong. 514 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,789 Not surprising since he was a mess after you talked to him. 515 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:27,667 Another fascinating edition of ctmts. 516 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:30,252 We may never know conclusively which way works better. 517 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:31,671 But I do know this, 518 00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:34,382 when we first started the seminar, I hoped to 519 00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,926 be able to engage you in the process. 520 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,053 And by that measure I succeeded. 521 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:42,765 And I predicted that I would learn nothing from this process. 522 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,018 Mission accomplished. 523 00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:47,311 What did April write? 524 00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:48,896 Where is April? 525 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:54,193 "I will pit Ron and Chris against each other. 526 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,903 "They'll argue about dumb stuff..." 527 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:57,863 April: That doesn't matter, and I will bail. 528 00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:01,784 Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy. 529 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,578 Oh. And I'll also steal Ron's watch, just for fun. 530 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,748 I think April will be a fine manager. 531 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,458 I agree. 532 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,544 It's my favorite kind of battle. 533 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:14,505 Two men enter, one me leaves. 534 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,842 Ben: Happy waffle day. Ann: Happy breakfast day. 535 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,719 Oh, my god! 536 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:23,264 You guys, this is the best breakfast day/waffle dayjoint present 537 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,182 I have ever received. 538 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,268 Wow. Thank you so much. 539 00:20:27,351 --> 00:20:28,644 You're welcome. 540 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,646 But Ann and I wanted to tell you 541 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,565 that this is the last breakfast day 542 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:34,650 and waffle day we'll be celebrating. 543 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:36,318 Wait, what? 544 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:37,852 Oh, my god. You're both dying. 545 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:41,073 No, no. We just can't keep up with all the anniversaries. 546 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:43,534 It's too much, especially 'cause you're so good at them. 547 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,077 I'm no better at them than you are. 548 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:47,161 That's ridiculous, I'm so much better. Point taken. 549 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:48,789 But we have a compromise. 550 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:51,041 Every year, there will be one day, Ann day, 551 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,419 where you can celebrate all ofann's holidays 552 00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:56,672 and Ben day, where we can celebrate all of ours. 553 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,674 What about Ann month and Ben month? 554 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:00,676 How about a week? 555 00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:02,803 Fine. 556 00:21:03,012 --> 00:21:06,182 We went in with a day, figuring she'd counter with a month. 557 00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,267 We were fine with a week. 558 00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:12,080 But there will be a third week. It will be called friend week. 559 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,939 It will be commemorating this week, 560 00:21:14,023 --> 00:21:15,524 the week that my two best friends 561 00:21:15,691 --> 00:21:16,971 became each other's best friends. 562 00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:18,587 I have a friend week present for you right now. 563 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,779 Here you go. 564 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:22,239 How did you already have these? 565 00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:23,616 Ben: Thank you. Ann: Thanks.