1 00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,255 Pam: I am actually looking forward to "take your daughter to work day." 2 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:08,217 I am not great with kids, but I wanna get better 3 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,385 because I'm getting married. 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,554 So iput out a bunch of extra candy on my desk 5 00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,723 so the kids will come talk to me. 6 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,852 Like the witch in hansel and gretel. 7 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:22,022 Bribery. Nice. Oh, I have more. 8 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:25,567 Name's Pam. Miss beesly, ifyou're nasty. 9 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:28,591 Janet Jackson. Hey, you having a wardrobe malfunction there... 10 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:31,490 Michael, you can't be nasty today. Because of that. 11 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,993 Oh, god. Is that today? I reminded you last night. 12 00:00:35,327 --> 00:00:36,662 Listen, I like kids. 13 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,330 But this is not a kids' environment. 14 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:41,124 This is like hbo. No limits. 15 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,794 Michael: Who knows what I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff. 16 00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:47,005 And it is "r" rated. It is not rated "g." 17 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:49,883 I am like Eddie Murphy in raw. 18 00:00:50,092 --> 00:00:51,969 And they are trying to make me 19 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,512 into Eddie Murphy in daddy day care. 20 00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:55,722 Both great movies, but still. 21 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,350 Well, I'll be in my office. 22 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,495 Don't you think you should say something? They're cool. 23 00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:02,639 Michael, I think that as the boss you should really... 24 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,649 Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Hi, children. 25 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:10,862 I'm Michael Scott and I am in charge of this place. 26 00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:14,032 (Muttering) How do I make you understand... 27 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,535 I am like Superman. 28 00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:20,205 And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham city. 29 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,498 That's Batman. That's Batman. 30 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,585 Okay. I'm aquaman. Where does he live, guys? 31 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:25,836 The ocean. 32 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:28,338 I work with a bunch of nerds. 33 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,382 (Door slamming) 34 00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,716 Heho, finyone. Comeon 35 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,594 you are the future. 36 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:21,308 This is my file cabinet. 37 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:32,152 Oh, this is the partition 38 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:35,614 between my desk and Angela's. 39 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,576 Abby's my fiancee Stacey's daughter. 40 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,328 I think she'll have a good time. 41 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,955 I just hope she doesn't look on my computer. 42 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,585 Actually, I better go check. 43 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,757 Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa. 44 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,551 Oh, yes. Hello, how are you? Good to see you. 45 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,470 Wow, you've really grown up. 46 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:00,847 You know what? If you don't mind me saying so, 47 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:03,350 she is turning into a stone cold fox. 48 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,353 Better keep the frat boys away from her. 49 00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,355 I'm in eighth grade. 50 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,898 Stanley: She's in middle school. 51 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:12,943 Yeah, middle school's amazing. It is extraordinary. 52 00:03:13,110 --> 00:03:14,569 An extraordinary time. 53 00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:16,530 It's not that children make me uncomfortable. 54 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:19,658 It's just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? 55 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:22,703 I've never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle. 56 00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:26,123 They want how many spualpads? Well, 50... 57 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,126 I over-ordered because they had a back-order. 58 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,210 Michael: Okay. 59 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,896 Meredith: I got permission to bring jakey in to work. 60 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,506 Which is great because he got suspended this week 61 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,883 and now I don't have to pay for a sitter. 62 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,136 Will you pull that down there? 63 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:42,139 Okay, tell them what you wanted to say. 64 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:45,350 Doyouneed any help? No. Thanks. 65 00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:48,186 We'd have to explain everything. 66 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:51,148 It's probably just easier if we do it ourselves. 67 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:55,277 All right, iwasn't expecting that. Let's go draw. 68 00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:58,405 Oh, my god. She is so cute iwanna die. 69 00:03:58,488 --> 00:04:00,490 Don't you just love kids, Angela? 70 00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:04,745 I guess I wouldn't mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys. 71 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:07,914 God, I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies. 72 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:12,294 Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun. 73 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,838 And I'm learning that fun for Kelly 74 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,924 is getting married and having babies, 75 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,052 immediately, with me. 76 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:24,598 Just compare last year's order to this year's. 77 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,851 Yeah, I'm looking at it right now. 78 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:32,856 Yes. 79 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,321 Yeah, they're very... 80 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,907 They're different. 81 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,367 Yeah, we can stick with last year's, 82 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,745 we're just gonna have to supplement it, somehow. 83 00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:51,041 Hey, Abby, do you wanna help me shred some old documents? 84 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:54,252 Wsadumw pretty cool. No thanks. 85 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:59,883 I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. 86 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:02,719 Just one. 87 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,346 What are you reading? 88 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,390 From the mixed-up files of Mrs. Basil e. Frankweiler. 89 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,726 Best book. 90 00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:12,771 Yeah, but I've read it before. So have I. 91 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:14,564 Hey, question: 92 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,441 If you had to spend the night in the met 93 00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:18,360 or the aquarium, which would it be? 94 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,947 Definitely the aquarium. Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. 95 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,301 You don't wanna help me with some of my sales, do you? 96 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,660 'Cause I'm kind of swamped. 97 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,204 Sure. Really? Yes. 98 00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:30,831 And you're Abby, right? Yeah. 99 00:05:30,914 --> 00:05:32,040 I'm Jim. 100 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:35,544 Jim: And, let's sell some paper. Abby: All right. 101 00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:38,630 Let's start with your mom. 102 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,383 Yes. Well, we can... 103 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:46,972 Hey, you know what? Can I call you back? I'll call you right back. 104 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,348 Yes, I promise. 105 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:54,521 Hello. Can I help you? 106 00:05:57,148 --> 00:06:00,026 You can pick that up if you want. That's all right. 107 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,321 You wanna bring it over... 108 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,448 Here, I'll make some room. 109 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:16,167 My name's Michael. What's your name? Sasha. 110 00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,586 Nice to meet you. 111 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:21,631 Oh, you know what that is? That is a train whistle. 112 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,466 Like I'm the conductor. 113 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,220 But I'm sort of the conductor of the office here. Right? 114 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:28,471 (Whistle tooting) 115 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,181 Sure. You wanna try? 116 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,684 All aboard for sales! 117 00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:37,397 Next stop, kukabonga. 118 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,481 (Giggles) 119 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,108 (Groaning) 120 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,903 You broke my hand! There is no way that hurt. 121 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:45,488 Really? 'Cause she's pretty strong, Dwight. 122 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,616 Little girl, come over here. 123 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:50,285 Shake my hand. 124 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,704 Come on. I don't have all day. 125 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:58,585 I don't feel anything. Nothing. You're so weak. 126 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,718 Excuse me. These are expensive collectors' items, okay? 127 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,167 Do you have any computer games? 128 00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:10,597 No, I don't have computer games on my work computer. 129 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:11,741 That would be inappropriate. 130 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,726 Yeah, Meredith doesn't have any either. It's so lame here. 131 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:18,355 You call your mom, Meredith? That's very disrespectful. 132 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,148 Whatever, okay? 133 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,692 You can refer to me as Mr. Schrute. 134 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,277 That's your name? 135 00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:26,237 Mr. Poop? Sch rute. 136 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:29,199 Mr. Schrute. Sure, Mr. Poop. 137 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:33,828 Sch rute. 138 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,213 Are you mother goose? 139 00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:49,678 I drink like a hundred iced macchiatos a day and practically nothing else. 140 00:07:49,761 --> 00:07:50,804 Wow. 141 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:54,307 There's a really cool coffee place, jitterz, at the steamtown mall. 142 00:07:54,391 --> 00:07:56,351 You ever been there? No. 143 00:07:56,643 --> 00:08:00,397 You've never been to jitterz? Ryan, you are so dorky. 144 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,233 Give me your number so I can text you. 145 00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:07,654 Melissa: Come on. 146 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,572 Do you have an e-mail address? 147 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,200 I may be wrong, but I just thought you should know. 148 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,577 I think something a little fishy is going on. 149 00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,287 Stanley: A little fishy? Kelly: Yeah. 150 00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:19,666 I mean, I've been noticing them all day, and I just think... 151 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,543 That little girl is a child! 152 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:25,005 I don't wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon. 153 00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,190 Do you understand? Yes, sir. 154 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,507 Boy, have you lost your mind? No. 155 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,590 'Cause I'll help you find it. What you looking for? 156 00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:30,945 Ain't nobody gonna help you out there. 157 00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,154 Jesus can come through that door 158 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,239 and he's not gonna help you 159 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,223 okay. If you don't stop sniffing after my child. 160 00:08:35,473 --> 00:08:37,267 Stanley yelled at me today. 161 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:41,146 That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. 162 00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,827 That was greensleeves, a traditional English ballad 163 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,829 about the beheaded Anne boleyn. 164 00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:00,331 And now, a very special treat. 165 00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:03,376 A book my grom-mutter used to read me when I was a kid. 166 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:07,547 This is a very special story. It's called struwwelpeterl 167 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:11,342 by Heinrich hoffmann from 1864. 168 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,221 "The great tall tailor always comes 169 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,265 "to little girls that suck their thumbs." 170 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,100 Are you listening, Sasha? Right? 171 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,144 "And ere they dream what he's about, 172 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,688 "he takes his great sharp scissors out 173 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,066 "and then cuts their thumbs clean off." 174 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,293 Dwight, Dwight... There's a photo. 175 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,461 What the hell are you reading to them? 176 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,879 These are cautionary tales for kids. 177 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:30,963 My grom-mutter used to read them... 178 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,214 Yeah, you know what? No, no, no, no. 179 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,532 They_.no. The kids don't wanna hear some weirdo book 180 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,868 that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. 181 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,870 What's a Nazi? What's a Nazi? 182 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,431 Nazi was a fascist movement... don't... 183 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,600 From the 1930s in Germany... Don't, don't talk about Nazis 184 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,894 in front of... you know what? They're gonna have nightmares. 185 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,978 Michael: Why don't you just shut it? 186 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:49,255 I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls. 187 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:52,759 Why don't you just leave, okay? Okay. 188 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,721 Bye, Mr. Poop. All right. There goes Mr. Poop. 189 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,723 Now, who likes Dane cook? 190 00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:00,058 I do! 191 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,936 Children cannot lie. They are innocent and they speak the truth. 192 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:05,355 And out of the mouths of babes, 193 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:08,108 Michael Scott is freaking cool. 194 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,075 You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father 195 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,036 because he was a very strict disciplinarian. 196 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:23,957 I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities. 197 00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:32,298 This is where the magic happens. Right over here. 198 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,716 Let me show you this. 199 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,846 See all these? You know what that is? That's paper. 200 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:40,974 This is where paper comes from. Any questions? 201 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:44,144 So, you cut the paper and dye it and stuff? 202 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:47,230 No, we don't actually out the paper. That's a good question. 203 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:51,651 The paper is sent to us, out and dyed, from a paper manufacturer. 204 00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:55,780 And then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. 205 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:57,115 That's not fair. No. 206 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,200 Yes, it is. Well... 207 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,286 You need someone in the middle to facilitate... 208 00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:03,329 You're just a middleman. I'm not just a middleman. 209 00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:06,332 Wait. Why doesn't the sawmill just sell the paper directly to people? 210 00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,710 You are describing office depot. 211 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,712 And they're kind of running us out of business. 212 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,006 We have better service than they do. 213 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,968 There's creed! Let's take a look 214 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,220 at what he's doing, everybody. 215 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,098 This is creed. 216 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,934 And he is in charge of something. 217 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,060 Right? That is correct. 218 00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,062 Say hi to the kids. Hi, kids. 219 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,649 Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? 220 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,712 Michael: What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Just... no, no, no, no, no! 221 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:35,987 Would you cut it out? 222 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:38,156 What is your problem? The hair covers it up mostly. 223 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:41,284 No, no, no, we're not gonna see the four-toed creed, okay? 224 00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,220 You know, there's something interesting about me 225 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:47,081 that you might want to know. I used to be the star of a kids' show. 226 00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:49,083 Children: No way! Michael: It's true. I did. 227 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,044 Melissa: You serious? I am totally serious. 228 00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:54,631 There was a show called fund/e bundle and I was the star. 229 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,400 Abby: That doesn't sound like a show. It's true. 230 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,134 I can prove it. I can prove it. Watch this. 231 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,303 Ryan! Can you come here a second? 232 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,804 (Michael clearing throat) 233 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,766 I would like you to go to my mother's house in dickson city. 234 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:05,975 And if she is at the pool, 235 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,894 the back kitchen window should be unlocked. 236 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,580 I want you to boost yourself up. All right. 237 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:12,124 I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape 238 00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,358 labeled "fund/e bundle." 239 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,441 I want you to grab it. I want you to get my guitar. 240 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:16,837 Right. Okay. I want you to get a tambourine. 241 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,255 Do you know how to play the tambourine? 242 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,341 I'm already getting the pizzas from brunetti's, so... 243 00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,200 You know, I can go with him. No! 244 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:25,411 I will go. Okay. Thank you, Ryan. 245 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,413 Good attitude. Hottest in the office. 246 00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:30,250 All right. Now, what kind of pizza do you like? 247 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,186 Michael: I don't get why parents are always complaining 248 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:34,420 about how tough it is to raise kids. 249 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:35,964 You joke around with them, 250 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,258 you give them pizza, you give them candy, 251 00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:41,344 you let them live their lives. They're adults, for god's sake. 252 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:44,764 I am going to give you a little blast from the past 253 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:47,684 of Michael Gary Scott, when he was a child star 254 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:51,062 and a show that you might remember called fund/e bundle. 255 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,273 Michael: Okay, without further ado, Ryan. 256 00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,400 Woman on TV: Fund/e, are you ready 257 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,859 children: Yeah! 258 00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,152 Let's have some fun! 259 00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,822 That is miss Trudy. You can't tell from the costume, 260 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,949 but she had an amazing body. 261 00:13:03,741 --> 00:13:06,119 Michael: Okay, you can fast-forward. 262 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,288 And I want you... Jim: Is that a real, 263 00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:10,415 functioning windmill? Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop. 264 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,920 Yes! That is Edward r. Meow. 265 00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:19,007 That's pretty funny. Yes. 266 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:22,051 Recess! Hey, what's your name? 267 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,262 My name's Chet. Well, hi, Chet. 268 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,973 Is that Chet Montgomery? Michael: I don't know. 269 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:30,810 That is! He's the meteorologist from channel 5. 270 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,146 "Checking in with Chet. Doppler 7." 271 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:35,440 Roy: That guy's legit. 272 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:39,319 What do you wanna be when you grow up? I wanna be on TV. 273 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,946 And he is on TV now! 274 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:45,450 Would everybody please shut up? Please. So you don't miss it. 275 00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:47,910 Okay, next. 276 00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:50,997 So, what's your name? Oh, that's me! That's me! 277 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,582 (Roy laughing) 278 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,293 What's your favorite subject in school? 279 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:56,711 Recess. 280 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:57,920 Recess. 281 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:01,716 So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up? 282 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:06,554 I wanna be married and have a 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, 283 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,474 and no one can say no to being my friend. 284 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:19,984 Okay. Well, nice talking with you, Michael. Back to you, miss Trudy. 285 00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:23,363 Hi, everyone. It's one of my favorite... I could have sworn there was... 286 00:14:23,446 --> 00:14:26,115 Did you get married? No. 287 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,701 Why not? It just never happened. 288 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:32,872 So, do you have any kids? Nope. 289 00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:35,375 Jake: Do you have a girlfriend? I do okay. 290 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,935 Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery coolbackthen? Yes. 291 00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:39,420 Jake: Even I have a girlfriend. Okay. All right. Okay. 292 00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:42,215 So, you didn't get to be what you wanted to be? 293 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,967 I guess not. 294 00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,806 You know, I have a load of work to do. 295 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:53,434 So, I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza 296 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,479 and I'm gonna go do my work. 297 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,327 He's not coming out. He won't pick up the phone. 298 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,222 I can't believe his mom dressed him like that. 299 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,956 That's the real tragedy. 300 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,376 Pam, Pam! I love this guy! 301 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:20,753 Come on! 302 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,223 So, Melissa, I met your mom a couple times. 303 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:33,808 She's so nice. 304 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:35,977 Who, Teri? 305 00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:39,939 That woman is not my mother. That is my stepmother. 306 00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:46,255 Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something. 307 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,823 Okay. But first, that's not my name. 308 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,158 You're ugly. 309 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:55,371 Well, at least I'm not a horrible little latchkey kid 310 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,540 who got suspended from school. 311 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,127 Meredith! 312 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:02,753 (Mochng) 313 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,308 Yeah? 314 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:19,020 I think these belong to you. 315 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,857 Oh, that's okay. She can keep those. 316 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:25,193 Believe me, she has enough toys. 317 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,612 She doesn't need your watch. 318 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,697 Thank you. 319 00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,535 Is everything okay? 320 00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:39,874 You have to ask me that because you work for human resources. 321 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,293 That's true. 322 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,755 You know, sure, playing the field is great. Don't get me wrong. 323 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:48,758 But there's more to life than notches on my bedpost. 324 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:50,635 Tell me something honestly. 325 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:55,515 Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? 326 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:59,018 Well, you need a wife first. Or at least a girlfriend. 327 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,937 What about... not jan. 328 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,021 Okay. 329 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:05,942 If you really wanna have kids, I guess you could somehow... 330 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,821 A foster parent or something. 331 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,617 Or biologically. 332 00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:16,744 Somehow. 333 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:21,040 Thanks. That's... no, that really means a lot to me. 334 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:27,588 Hey, does Sasha have a godfather? Because_. 335 00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:29,340 Yes. Okay. 336 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:34,136 Is it okay if I take one? Sure. 337 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,305 Thank you. You're welcome. 338 00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:40,601 Is your job hard? It's not too bad. 339 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,272 I get to shred things sometimes. Do you wanna see? 340 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,398 Yeah! 341 00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:46,857 Really? Yeah. 342 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,359 Okay. 343 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,031 Here it is. Don't put your fingers in there. 344 00:17:54,115 --> 00:17:55,866 (Shredder humming) 345 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,118 (Paper crackling) 346 00:17:57,201 --> 00:17:58,869 Cool, huh? That's so cool, yeah! 347 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,206 Yeah, I get to do this, like, every week. 348 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,749 That's so awesome. I know. 349 00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:06,043 Yes, it is true. 350 00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:10,423 I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. 351 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:13,551 Thousands of people have done it. And I am going to do it. 352 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:17,013 I need a username. And I have a great one. 353 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,020 Little kid lover. 354 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,898 That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at. 355 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,111 Go ahead. 356 00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:35,531 Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight? 357 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,825 Oh, man, I would love to. 358 00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,786 I can't tonight. But can I come over some other time? 359 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,664 What are you doing? You never have plans. 360 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,333 Thanks, kev. 361 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,628 I'm actually going on a date. Nice. 362 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:51,922 Michael: Hey, no please. You can't leave yet. 363 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:54,508 There's still one more thing we need to do. 364 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:59,263 (Singing) You who are on the road 365 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:02,391 must have a code 366 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:06,270 that you can live by 367 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:10,900 both: And so become yourself 368 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,903 because the past 369 00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:17,698 is just a good bye 370 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:22,453 and teach your children well 371 00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:25,247 why does he own a guitar if he doesn't know how to play. 372 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:28,292 I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. 373 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:34,924 And feed them on your dreams 374 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,550 my theory is that... 375 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,719 The one they picks 376 00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:43,307 the one you'll know by 377 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:47,770 don't you ever ask them why 378 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,731 if I told you, you would cry 379 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:55,027 you just look at them and sigh 380 00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:01,200 and know they love you 381 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,453 and they do. Your parents love you very much. 382 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:05,788 One more time. 383 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:06,872 You... 384 00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:11,043 The schrutes consider children very valuable. 385 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:14,046 In the olden days, the women would bear many children, 386 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,465 so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. 387 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,551 And if it was an especially cold winter 388 00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,178 and there weren't enough grains or vegetables, 389 00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:23,848 they would eat the weakest of the brood. 390 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,727 No, they didn't eat the children. 391 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,812 It never came to that.