1
00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:05,255
Dwight: Kevin Malone,
you're next. Spit that out.

2
00:00:06,798 --> 00:00:09,468
Spit. Okay, come on. Let's go.

3
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,474
You look cute today, Dwight.

4
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,601
Thanks, girl.

5
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:23,649
So, yesterday Dwight found
half ajoint in the parking lot,

6
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,943
which is unfortunate,
because, as it turns out,

7
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:29,738
Dwight finding drugs is more
dangerous than most people using drugs.

8
00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:34,159
Let's go over some of these
symptoms of marijuana use, shall we?

9
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:37,037
You tell me
who this sounds like.

10
00:00:37,663 --> 00:00:41,291
Slow moving, inattentive,

11
00:00:42,084 --> 00:00:43,335
dull,

12
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,088
constantly snacking,

13
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:49,633
shows a lack of motivation.

14
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,012
Hey.

15
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:57,975
I like the people I work with,
generally, with four exceptions.

16
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,727
But someone committed a crime,

17
00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:01,937
and I did not become

18
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:05,482
a lackawanna county volunteer
sheriff's deputy to make friends.

19
00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:07,985
And by the way, I haven't.

20
00:01:40,976 --> 00:01:45,022
(Imitating Stanley) I enjoy
the tangy zip of miracle whip.

21
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,231
(Pam laughing)

22
00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:48,400
Jim does the best impressions.

23
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,987
Sometimes he'll look up at me from
his desk, and he'll just be someone else.

24
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,739
Like, he'll go...

25
00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:02,664
That's supposed to be Phyllis.

26
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,333
I can't do it as good as he can.

27
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,918
And the guys are saying,
"chug! Chug! Chug!"

28
00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,920
But I'm so small
and all I had eaten that day

29
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:11,548
was one of those auntie em
pretzels from the food court.

30
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,717
So I said,
"is it okay if I sip it?"

31
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,053
And they said, "no." But
Ryan seemed cool either way...

32
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,262
Stop!

33
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,307
This is not
"Kelly kapour's story hour."

34
00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:24,519
Illegal drugs were consumed
on company property, okay?

35
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,980
Your ass is on the line, mister!

36
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:30,067
My ass is on the line!
Now, I'm gonna ask you again,

37
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,779
what time did you
go home last night?

38
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:35,238
6:00.

39
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,082
I didn't know that you were
at a party on Saturday night.

40
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,167
I go to a lot of parties.

41
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,920
Okay, I'm gonna need to search
your car. Give me your keys.

42
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,755
I am not giving you my keys.

43
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,382
Don't make me do this
the hard way.

44
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:55,384
What's the hard way?

45
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:59,388
I go down to the police station on
my lunch break. I tell a police officer,

46
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:02,516
I know several, what I suspect
you may have in your car.

47
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:05,435
He requests a hearing from a
judge and obtains a search warrant.

48
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,230
Once he has said warrant,
he will drive over here

49
00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:10,816
and make you give him
the keys to your car

50
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,151
and you will have to obey him.

51
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:14,861
Yeah, let's do it that way.

52
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,905
Dwight! Is he bugging you?

53
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,449
Dwight, dude, you gotta take
a chill pill, man.

54
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,952
It was one joint
in the parking lot.

55
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:25,747
You know, you're totally
harshing the office mellow.

56
00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:27,916
I can't stop this
investigation. It is my job.

57
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:29,167
Whoa, you are a volunteer.

58
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,670
I volunteered for this job.
And that's not the same.

59
00:03:31,753 --> 00:03:33,046
It is my duty... volunteer duty.

60
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,006
To investigate the crime scene.

61
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:39,094
I have six more interviews to go,
and then I will reveal what I know.

62
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:40,303
(Coughing) Narc!

63
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,555
(Snickering)

64
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:44,617
If you are attempting to compliment
me, then you have done a very good job.

65
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:45,993
I wasn't attempting
to compliment you.

66
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:47,519
Well, you have,
because being a narc

67
00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,247
is one of the hardestjobs
that you can have.

68
00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:50,498
Okay. And I am
very proud of being...

69
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,666
Why don't you just cool it?
Cool it!

70
00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,775
Dwight, please! God! So...

71
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:57,070
(Imitating stoner) Dude,
where's my office? I totally lost it

72
00:03:57,696 --> 00:04:01,116
because I was half-baked,
smoking doobies!

73
00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:05,203
Doobie brothers. I was
smoking doobies with my brothers.

74
00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,205
Peace out, seacrest!

75
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,793
Well, your office is
behind you. Thanks.

76
00:04:12,669 --> 00:04:15,046
Munchies.
Who wants some munchies?

77
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:18,175
I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.

78
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:21,428
I don't know if anyone's
ever offered him any.

79
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:24,222
Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico,
when he was five,

80
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:26,349
to attend his
great-grandmother's funeral.

81
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:30,353
What does that mean to a united
states law enforcement officer?

82
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:32,606
He's a potential drug mule.

83
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:36,026
Have you ever taken any
illegal drugs? No, I have not.

84
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,571
Do you think it's possible that
maybe you could have had some drugs

85
00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:42,532
in your system
without you knowing about it?

86
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:44,951
What are you implying?

87
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,578
Have you ever

88
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,041
pooped a balloon?

89
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,254
Okay, I'm done with this.

90
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:04,888
He sure left in a hurry.

91
00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:06,473
I don't wanna blow this.

92
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:09,351
Dwight: This is what all good
law enforcement officers dream of,

93
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,062
the chance to solve
an actual crime.

94
00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,524
Dwight: Do you know
what this is?

95
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,317
Yes, it's marijuana.

96
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,152
How do you know that?

97
00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:20,403
It's labeled.

98
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,573
Damn it.

99
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:28,745
That is northern lights,
cannabis indica.

100
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:30,539
(Sighing)

101
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:33,667
It's marijuana.

102
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,115
I'm just saying that you
can't be sure that it wasn't you.

103
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,255
That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.

104
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,591
Marijuana is a memory loss drug,
so maybe you just don't remember.

105
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:42,884
I would remember.

106
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,779
Well, how could you
if it just erased your memory?

107
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:45,887
That's not how it works.

108
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:48,014
Now, how do you know
how it works?

109
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,975
Knock it off, okay? I'm
interviewing you. No!

110
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,602
You said I'd be conducting the
interview when iwalked in here.

111
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,438
Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke?

112
00:05:56,898 --> 00:06:00,569
So, Pam told me you do a great
Stanley impression. I'd love to hear it.

113
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,695
(H esitating)

114
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,238
Oscar: Good.

115
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:08,660
"Why do you keep cc-ing me on
things that have nothing to do with me?"

116
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:12,581
Is that supposed to be me?

117
00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:15,500
Oh, hey, Stanley. I was
just doing an impression.

118
00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:18,003
I do not think that is funny.

119
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,173
He does everyone in the office.

120
00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:23,300
Hmm.

121
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,640
"I do not think that is funny."
"I do not think that is funny."

122
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,225
Jinx. Buy me a coke.

123
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,102
No, no! No talking!

124
00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:40,734
Jim is not allowed to talk
until after he buys me a coke.

125
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:44,613
Those are the rules of jinx
and they are unflinchingly rigid.

126
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,580
"Sold out"?

127
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:56,708
That has never happened
in the history of jinx.

128
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,544
Sorry, it's not my problem.

129
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,554
Dwight: I know you're innocent,

130
00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,474
but it can't look like I'm
treating you any differently.

131
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,017
I understand.

132
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,270
(Shouting) Where were you
yesterday after work?

133
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,023
Michael: Uh-oh, uh-oh.

134
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:24,819
Who's he calling? Ratting
somebody out! Narc! Narc!

135
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,447
Kevin. That is so good, Michael.

136
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,449
Michael: Remember the narc bit?

137
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,451
Uh-oh. Okay, I
will let them know.

138
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,578
Who's in trouble?
Attention, everyone!

139
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:38,083
Drug testers are coming in a couple
of hours to test everyone's urine.

140
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:40,251
(Laughing) What?

141
00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,063
What are you talking about?
Company policy.

142
00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:43,672
If drugs are found
on the premises,

143
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:47,717
there is automatic drug testing
conducted within 24 hours.

144
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,219
Is that true, Toby?

145
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,554
When you sign
your job application,

146
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,432
you agree to comply
with random drug testing.

147
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,955
Michael: Two nights ago, I
went to an Alicia keys concert

148
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,748
at the montage mountain
performing arts center.

149
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,649
I had scored these
great aisle seats.

150
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:06,319
Anyway, after the opening act, this
beautiful girl sits down next to me.

151
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,990
And I never get to meet girls
with lip rings and she had one.

152
00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:11,950
I don't know exactly
how this happened,

153
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:15,120
but one of her friends started
passing around some stuff

154
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,883
and they said that
it was clove cigarettes.

155
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,124
And I'm sure that it was
clove cigarettes.

156
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:21,501
Everybody in the aisle
was doing it.

157
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:25,588
Okay, attention, everyone! The
drug testing has been cancelled.

158
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:30,093
Instead, I will be going around to each
of you and doing a visual inspection.

159
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,762
No, you can't do that. I
can do that. It is my office!

160
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,055
Dwight: No, you cannot.

161
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:37,892
It has to be official
and it has to be urine.

162
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:44,232
All right.

163
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:45,900
Okay.

164
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:56,161
Kevin, what prescription drugs
are you taking besides Rogaine?

165
00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,663
I'm not taking Rogaine.

166
00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:00,415
Angela, what about you?

167
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,792
Idonttake
any prescription drugs.

168
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:05,378
You're not on anything?

169
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,674
Good.

170
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,073
Kelly: So, the first time we went
out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine.

171
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:20,101
But I was so nervous. So this
time, I wanted it to be special.

172
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,644
So I bought a new dress!

173
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,748
One of those kinds that's
kind of low-cut at the top

174
00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,648
to show something.
But not everything.

175
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:27,817
I mean, not everything, Jim.
I promise...

176
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,070
Hey, guys. What's going on?

177
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,781
We're just having
the best conversation.

178
00:09:32,864 --> 00:09:36,493
Okay, well, Michael wants to see
everyone in the conference room.

179
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,577
But you know what?

180
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:41,247
We have a few minutes, so you guys should
definitely finish up your conversation.

181
00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:42,707
Kelly: Thanks.

182
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,420
So, I was looking so hot...

183
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:50,298
It has come to my attention

184
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:54,803
that some people here think
that the use of drugs

185
00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,097
is something to laugh about.

186
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,349
We don't feel that way.
No, not at all.

187
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,768
You were the one joking
around, calling Dwight a narc.

188
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,186
No, no.

189
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,189
That was a test.
I was testing you.

190
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:09,901
And you all failed. Miserably.

191
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:14,072
When I said that Dwight was a
narc, how many of you defended him?

192
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,616
How many of you said, "hey,
you know what? He's right.

193
00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:21,121
"What he's doing is protecting
this office from the evils of drugs."

194
00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:22,247
Thank you, Michael.

195
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,082
I am ridiculously anti-drug.

196
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:28,253
I am so anti-drug that I am
above suspicion in any way

197
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:32,298
that involves suspicion
or testing of any kind.

198
00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,093
Drugs ruin lives, people.

199
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:38,304
Drugs destroy careers.

200
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:42,308
Take cheech and Chong. Everybody
knows that cheech and Chong are funny.

201
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:46,479
Butjust imagine how funny they
would be if they didn't smoke pot.

202
00:10:46,771 --> 00:10:49,858
I want everybody
to take a look to their left.

203
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:53,570
Now, I want everybody
to take a look to their right.

204
00:10:53,945 --> 00:10:58,616
One of those people
will be dead from drug use

205
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,869
at some point in their lives.

206
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:04,706
This year more people
will use cocaine

207
00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,167
than will read a book
to their children.

208
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,626
Where did you get these facts?

209
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,879
Are these facts scaring you
or are they not?

210
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,172
They are not.

211
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:15,508
Do you think
that smoking drugs is cool?

212
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,927
Do you think that
doing alcohol is cool?

213
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,053
Stanley: No, I don't.

214
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:23,558
And I have a glass of red wine with dinner
about once a week, for the antioxidants.

215
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:26,361
Toby: Yeah, I have the same...
Michael: Okay. Enough, enough, enough!

216
00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:31,274
I have written down
a list of illegal drugs.

217
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:35,236
Take a gander. How many
of these are you familiar with?

218
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,363
Hookah is not
an illegal drug, Michael.

219
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:38,448
Yes, it is.

220
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,201
No, it's not.
It's a type of pipe.

221
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,913
You can fill it with tobacco, often
mixed with fruit or other flavors...

222
00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:46,998
Okay, you know what, Toby?

223
00:11:47,165 --> 00:11:48,416
Pam, could you take this down?

224
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:52,921
In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I
would like to test his blood and his hair.

225
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,047
You can't do that.

226
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:58,218
I can test anyone randomly,
and I have chosen you randomly.

227
00:11:58,301 --> 00:11:59,677
That's not random. Okay.

228
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,555
Eenie, meenie, minie, moe,
is random.

229
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:07,393
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need
a volunteer to select one of these words

230
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:11,314
and tell us of something tragic

231
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:15,360
that happened in either their
lives or the lives of a loved one.

232
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,612
Yeah, Pam.

233
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:20,531
I know that Jim
has an amazing story

234
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:24,285
about a relative of his who got
caught up in the world of drugs.

235
00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:25,578
Michael: Really? Pam: Mmm-hmm.

236
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,331
Jim, it's okay. You can...

237
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,585
This would be a good place
to let it out, Jim.

238
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,922
These are people you can trust.
These are people who care about you.

239
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:37,382
It's okay. Just...

240
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:40,635
We will not judge you.
We are here to not judge you.

241
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,637
Oh, he's doing it. Okay.

242
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,519
It's okay.

243
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:07,912
Okay, are you sure? That
looked like it was gonna be good.

244
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,291
All right. Okay, well...

245
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:12,875
Wow!

246
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,420
He really pulled out
the big guns.

247
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:19,132
Fake crying.
I did not expect that.

248
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:25,179
The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,

249
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:29,100
is that I hate drugs.
I hate them!

250
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,978
And based upon what I have seen,

251
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:34,897
you all don't quite hate them
as much as I do.

252
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:38,985
So, you are going to have
a drug test and I am not.

253
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,654
No, you will be tested.
Yes, I will... will not be.

254
00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:45,033
No, you will be. That is the
law according to the rules.

255
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:48,870
Okay, well, Dwight, just know
that I've been very busy today

256
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,707
and I've got a lot of work to do and I
wasn't planning on going to the bathroom

257
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,585
and I don't even know if
anything's gonna come out. Okay?

258
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,337
So, good. Thank you.

259
00:13:59,797 --> 00:14:03,301
Hi, Linda. Dwight schrute,
assistant regional manager.

260
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:06,220
You might remember testing
my urine a few years back

261
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,765
when I was applying to be
a volunteer sheriff's deputy.

262
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,600
We test a lot of urine.

263
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,268
Mine was green.

264
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,063
Oh, right.

265
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,648
How are you? I'm all better.

266
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,151
So, I need you to do some work
on the Saint Andrews account.

267
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:23,946
I need your urine, I need some
filing done. What kind of filing?

268
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,532
Just forget it. Just the urine.

269
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:30,119
Thatgoes directly
to the tester. Just_

270
00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,419
I need your urine.

271
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,424
Like in a cup? Yes, in a cup.

272
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:44,801
We're not animals, Dwight.

273
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,427
For what purpose?

274
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,192
It's none of your business.
Then I refuse.

275
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,223
Okay, all right, just...

276
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:54,602
I went to an Alicia keys
concert over the weekend.

277
00:14:56,437 --> 00:15:00,316
And I think I may have
gotten high accidentally

278
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:03,027
by a girl with a lip ring.

279
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,113
Are you serious?

280
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:12,203
I need clean urine for the lady.

281
00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:16,749
(Sighing)

282
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,084
But that's illegal.

283
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,419
Don't think of it that way.

284
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:22,964
It's like urine
goes all over the place.

285
00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:25,383
You know, there's no
controlling it. It just...

286
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:26,509
Not my urine.

287
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:30,346
A cup could find its way under
the urine. It might be an accident.

288
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,431
We have...

289
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:32,950
Were you forced to do drugs
at this concert?

290
00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,214
No, just... is something wrong?

291
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:35,476
Look, just...

292
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:39,897
Just fill up the cup.

293
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:48,406
Do you want
to give Michael your urine?

294
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:52,660
I want him to have
all the urine he needs.

295
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:55,455
You're not gonna get
my permission on this.

296
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:58,082
I know that.
Don't you think I know that?

297
00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:04,172
Yeah, we do testing all
over the country. Cool.

298
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,966
Hey, are you guys hiring?

299
00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,469
You want to work
at the urinalysis lab?

300
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,638
Yeah. Maybe.

301
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,141
(Dwight moaning)

302
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,898
My father's name
was Dwight schrute.

303
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:25,943
My grandfather's name
was Dwight schrute.

304
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:28,863
His father's name?

305
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,991
Dwide schrude.

306
00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:33,951
Ambh

307
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,126
I loved my father very much.

308
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,253
Every morning
he'd wake up at dawn

309
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,464
and make us biscuits with gravy.

310
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,926
When I was little, my dad and I
played a lot of games together.

311
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:53,221
My dad cheated a lot,
but I never busted him on it.

312
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:55,640
I would have,
except I didn't know about it.

313
00:16:55,723 --> 00:17:00,019
He didn't tell me till years later.
And I was shocked when I found out.

314
00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,022
What?

315
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:07,818
Did you wanna tell me something? You
look like you want to tell me something.

316
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:09,838
You look like you have
something really important to say

317
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,198
and you just can't
for some reason.

318
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,619
Come on, you can tell me.

319
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,413
Jim, you can tell me anything.

320
00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:57,785
I'd like a magazine.

321
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,620
We just need urine, sir.

322
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:01,122
I'd still like one.

323
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:05,084
Michael: Dwight, well,

324
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:09,797
I passed the test, thanks to
you and your untainted pee.

325
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:12,508
Thank you very much.
That's great.

326
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:15,011
What's wrong?
Where's your costume?

327
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,762
It's a uniform.

328
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:19,557
And I turned it in today when
I tendered my resignation.

329
00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:20,850
Why? What...

330
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,811
I took an oath
when I was sworn in.

331
00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,189
And I broke that oath today.

332
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,042
Here.

333
00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:49,170
Just buy it from me.

334
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:52,798
I haven't talked to you
in hours and it's been weird.

335
00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,801
And I really wanna know what
the hell's going on with Dwight.

336
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,400
Hey. Hi.

337
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,961
How much time do you have left
on your break?

338
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,111
Ten minutes.

339
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:21,077
Since you did such a good job
with the investigation,

340
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,955
I decided to pull a few
strings, call in a few favors,

341
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:29,502
and I've decided to make you official
security supervisor of the branch.

342
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,546
Really? Yes, sir.

343
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:37,093
That's fantastic. Because I've always
felt that the security here sucked.

344
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,136
So, you wanna...

345
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:46,352
"Dwight k. Schrute, I hereby declare
you an honorary volunteer corporal

346
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:49,397
"in charge of assisting
all activities' security."

347
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,275
Okay. Here's your badge.

348
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,945
Thank you, Michael.

349
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:59,990
Very nice, great.
Can I have a gun?

350
00:20:00,491 --> 00:20:01,867
No. I don't have a gun.

351
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,160
Okay.

352
00:20:03,619 --> 00:20:06,080
I'll have to bring in
my Bo staff.

353
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,666
I don't think so. Don't...

354
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,210
Good. Thank you, Michael.

355
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,675
I need to go over some
details with you. All right.

356
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,385
First of all... well, thank you.

357
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:20,678
Hank. Okay.

358
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,639
How many orange traffic cones
do you have?

359
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,600
Two. Oh, god.

360
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:29,937
Wow. What a terrible day
to not be able to talk.

361
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:32,499
Jim: Dwight was literally
carrying around his own urine

362
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:34,316
and dressed like
one of the village people.

363
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,862
Why does he do the things that he
does for Michael? I just don't get it.

364
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,990
What is he getting
out of that relationship?