1 00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:09,676 Josh: The stamford branch is closing, and everybody's just packing up their stuff. 2 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,679 Andy Bernard made these tasteful hats. 3 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:17,518 That's the other thing you have to watch out... yo, tuna. 4 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,978 I wanna talk to you about this new boss, Michael Scott. 5 00:00:20,062 --> 00:00:22,856 Yeah? So what's he like? 6 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:27,694 Likes, dislikes, favorite sports, favorite movies, favorite men's magazines. 7 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,280 You know what? I think you just need to meet him. 8 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,116 Playing your cards close to the vest. I get it. 9 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:37,538 Good luck over there, tuna. Cross me and I will destroy you. 10 00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,541 Sounds good, Andy. 11 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,837 This is gonna be an adventure. Yes, this is going to be very interesting. 12 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,215 All right, I'm out of here. 13 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:50,384 See you later? Bro. 14 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,600 Hey, is that Josh's computer? What? 15 00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:05,065 Pam: Hey! Hey! 16 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:07,734 How'd the run go? Pretty good. I finished. 17 00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:09,653 That's great. Yes. 18 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,113 Why is that great? 19 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,739 Because he accomplished something. 20 00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,658 What was your mile time? 21 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,326 About seven. 22 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:19,705 I could beat that on a skateboard. Well, that has wheels. 23 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:22,249 Yeah, well, my feet don't, and I can still crush that time. 24 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,293 Really, Dwight? How fast are you? 25 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,669 Let's just put it this way. 26 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,505 Last weekend, I outran a black pepper snake. 27 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,673 Really? 28 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,008 I am fast. 29 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,291 To give you a reference point, 30 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:35,262 I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. 31 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,014 And a panther. 32 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,182 Man, what is taking Toby so long? 33 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:41,101 Oh, I'll just time him later. 34 00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:43,854 And you'll compare the times? Yeah. 35 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:48,442 Are you ready? Set, go! No, my groin's really tight, I can't... 36 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,197 Am I being mean to Dwight? 37 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,677 I don't know. I did just make him run around the building, 38 00:01:57,701 --> 00:02:00,037 and I have no intention of timing him. 39 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,665 This isn't even a stopwatch. It's a digital thermometer. 40 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:07,794 He does make my life harder sometimes, and on purpose. 41 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,047 Like, he tried to put meters on the bathroom stalls 42 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,215 as a way of bringing in more money for the company. 43 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,594 Hey, three more laps to go! 44 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,388 You gotta pick it up if you're gonna beat Toby! 45 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,268 I should probably get back to work. 46 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,598 Here. Who's here? Nametag? 47 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,308 Yes, please. Karen filippelli. 48 00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:04,518 Karen... 49 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:07,604 Karen a-filippelli! Probably Italian. 50 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,190 Okay... possibly Filipina. 51 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,943 My branch is absorbing the stamford branch. 52 00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:17,406 Or as I like to put it, my family is doubling in size. 53 00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:18,841 And that's all I'm gonna say about it, 54 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:22,411 because I have a gigantic performance ahead of me, 55 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,914 and I have to get into my head and focus. 56 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,960 Who's next? That's Andy Bernard. 57 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,586 Andy Bernard. 58 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,463 If I were you... St. Bernard. 59 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,174 I would fire Anthony gardner... what? 60 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:37,509 Before noon... I'm not... 61 00:03:37,592 --> 00:03:40,113 To consolidate power. I'm not firing somebody on the first day. 62 00:03:40,137 --> 00:03:42,097 No, no, not somebody. Gardner! 63 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,266 The Japanese camp guards of world war ii 64 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:48,687 always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. 65 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:52,691 I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. 66 00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,903 I think I would have been good at choosing the person. 67 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,491 Good morning! Got the food, good! 68 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,994 Looky, looky, looky. What I want you to do... 69 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,580 Set it up in the conference room, please. Make it look nice, 70 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:07,890 as if you were trying to impress 71 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,392 a much older man who's way out of your league. 72 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,542 Okay. 73 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:17,883 Yes, I'm in a good mood today. I'm excited to meet all of the new people 74 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,511 and to see my old friend again, definitely. 75 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,764 That's always a thing that makes people happy, 76 00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:25,432 to have an old friend back. 77 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:27,434 Hannah: Hello? 78 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:29,895 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Our first arrival. 79 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:31,438 Welcome to Scranton. 80 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:35,692 This is Hannah smoterich-barr! Hannah smoterich-barr! 81 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:39,988 Welcome to our humble abode. Follow me to your desk. 82 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,575 Your ball-and-chain is right over here. 83 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,746 You know, a lot of these people, this is the only family they have. 84 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:52,417 So, as far as I'm concerned, this says, "world's best dad." 85 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,505 There he is! 86 00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,465 Tony... what's your last name? Gardner. 87 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:00,383 Gardner! I knew that. 88 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:04,721 There you go, gift bag for you. Okay! Thanks. 89 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,598 Michael, I didn't get a gift bag. 90 00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:07,933 Well, they're just for guests. 91 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,702 If there are any left over, you can buy one later. 92 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,061 My bag's mostly pencils. 93 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:15,398 Well, and coupons to various hot spots around Scranton. All right! 94 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,984 Let me show you to your area, sir. 95 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,694 Michael: Come on, big guy. 96 00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:22,239 Can I have your pencils? 97 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,490 Hi! 98 00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:26,117 I'm Pam. Karen. I love your sweater. 99 00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:28,411 Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me. 100 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,039 Really? That's so cool. I've always wanted to learn 101 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:34,000 how to knit. Welcome, welcome, welcome! 102 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:39,339 Take me to your leader. Oh, wait, I am your leader. 103 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,678 Wait, are you a robot or a martian? 104 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,266 I am actually your boss, Michael Scott. 105 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,392 Welcome. 106 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:54,229 Wow, you are very exotic-looking. Was your dad a gi, or... 107 00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,229 I 'ii be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. 108 00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:10,453 How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, 109 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,039 and never breaking off a handshake. 110 00:06:13,331 --> 00:06:15,250 I'm always thinking one step ahead, 111 00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:19,713 like a carpenter that makes stairs. 112 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:23,842 Andy: Hello. 113 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:28,889 You must be Andy Bernard. Aloha and welcome! 114 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:33,727 And you must be Michael Scott. Aloha and hello. 115 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:39,232 Very good. Welcome to our little kingdom. 116 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,736 We have a bag of nifty gifties for you. 117 00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:47,908 Well, Michael, thank you for welcoming me to your little kingdom. Mike. 118 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,912 Nifty! They are nifty! 119 00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,914 They're nifty gifties. 120 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:56,499 You know who I really like is this guy Andy Bernard. 121 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,586 He has got this very likeable way about him. 122 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,634 Which is why they need a passing game. Right? 123 00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:09,429 No way! Get him out of here. We don't want any of this kind in here. 124 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:10,931 Good to see you, man! Wow, okay! 125 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:13,433 How are you? Martin Nash, I presume? 126 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:16,144 This is a little gift bag for you free of charge. 127 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,605 Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. 128 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:22,067 Not... so your desk is... 129 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:25,362 Hi, I'm Jim. I'm new here. Oh, my god, it's really you! 130 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,074 I was just doing a little joke there about how we'd never met. 131 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,450 I know, I don't care. 132 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,786 Awesome! Good to be back. 133 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:34,788 The place looks really good. 134 00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:37,290 It's really good to see you. You, too. 135 00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,542 Where do I stand with Pam? 136 00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:43,880 No idea. I mean, we're friends. 137 00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:48,927 Always have been friends. That is where we stand. 138 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,137 Dwight: Well, well, well. 139 00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,974 Look what the cat dragged in from stamford. 140 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:56,101 Hey, Dwight. Fact. 141 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:59,980 I am older. I am wiser. Do not mess with me. 142 00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:01,773 Okay, sounds good. 143 00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,877 What are you doing? I don't know what you're talking about. 144 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,862 Do I have a smudge on my forehead? No, you look good. 145 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,949 Why are you looking at my forehead? I'm not. 146 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,493 Meet my eye line, Jim! I am. 147 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,413 Stop acting like an idiot! Okay. 148 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,500 Hey, buddy. Welcome back. Hey. 149 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,823 How are you, man? Good to see you. I'm good. How are you? 150 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,968 Oh, I'm sorry, are you sitting here now? 151 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,219 Yeah. 152 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,601 Unless you really, really want it back. 153 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:43,273 You know, man, itsreahyyourcau cool, thank you. 154 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,819 Let me get that for you. 155 00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,280 Got it? 156 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,037 This one taken? No? Good. 157 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:03,084 Yeah, Jim is a nice guy. That's why I got the desk. 158 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:08,214 Michael Scott, thank you. I appreciate it, Mike. 159 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:09,966 Michael: All right. 160 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:12,886 Hello. I don't believe we've been introduced. 161 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,221 Dwight schrute, assistant regional manager. 162 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,349 Andy Bernard, regional director in charge of sales. 163 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,702 So you'll be reporting to me, then. 164 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,769 On the contrary. 165 00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:24,147 My title has "manager" in it. And I'm a director. 166 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,776 Which, on a film set, is the highest title there is. 167 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,402 Do you know anything about film? 168 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:33,490 I know everything about film. I've seen over 240 of them. 169 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,034 Congratulations. 170 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,250 Hey, Toby. 171 00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:45,543 Hey, Jim. How are you, man? 172 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,104 Oh, really good! I just wanted to say hi. 173 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,297 How are you? Hey, welcome back. 174 00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,674 Oh, is that, like, your new thing, or... 175 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,760 No, I'm sorry, that's... 176 00:09:53,843 --> 00:09:57,055 No, that's cool. No, it's nothing, we'll just... 177 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,434 All right. Good to be back. 178 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:02,811 Okay. All right. 179 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,604 All right. Sorry about that. No problem. 180 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,689 It was... what? 181 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,024 Nothing. 182 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:14,572 "I present the orientation video." 183 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:17,408 We need to talk. Not now. 184 00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,285 Which is higher, assistant regional manager, 185 00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:21,079 or regional director in charge of sales? 186 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:24,040 I told you the titles are irrelevant. They just relate to pay scale. 187 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,750 Okay, so who gets paid more, me or Andy? 188 00:10:25,834 --> 00:10:30,088 It is not a matter of more or less. Your pay is just different, okay? 189 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,799 All right! Showtime, part one. 190 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,175 Okay, who reports to who? 191 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:38,638 I don't care, Dwight! You all report to me. That's all that matters! 192 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:40,699 The rest of it just work out amongst yourselves, okay? 193 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:43,393 And then if I want... work it out amongst yourselves, please! 194 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,187 I have a company to run. Will you let me run the company? 195 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:48,398 Will you? Please? ...One... 196 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,071 Kelly: Jim! Kelly! 197 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:58,158 Oh, mygod ihavesornuchtotehyou! Really? 198 00:10:58,241 --> 00:11:01,744 Yes. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, they had a baby and they named it suri, 199 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,496 and then Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, 200 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,832 they had a baby, too, and they named it Shiloh. 201 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:09,043 And both babies are amazing! 202 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:11,713 Great. What's new with you? 203 00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:13,423 I just told you. 204 00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:18,136 Okay, everybody settled in? Good. 205 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,639 Why don't we all proceed into the conference room, 206 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:25,435 or should I say the banquet hall? 207 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,687 For... drum roll, please. 208 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,610 The official 209 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:37,280 merger day all-family welcome breakfast. Come on in! 210 00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,282 Michael: Don't be shy. 211 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,536 Hey, champagne. No, no, guests only. 212 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:48,208 Smoked salmon! No, for the guests it is, 213 00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:50,001 for you, consider it cow meat. 214 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:52,045 Strictly taboo. Ieatbeef 215 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,547 well, then, consider it poisoned beef. 216 00:11:54,631 --> 00:11:55,673 It's no touchee. 217 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:58,343 The beef is poisoned? No, it's not beef! Just... 218 00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,471 Sit down, please. Welcome, help yourself. 219 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,224 You mightwant these orientation materials. 220 00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:07,936 Wrong, Toby, this is an orientation, not a bore-ientation. 221 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:14,817 Okay, do not worry. All of your questions are about to be answered. 222 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:16,527 Cell phones and pagers off, please. 223 00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:19,030 Oh, this looks promising. You won't be disappointed. 224 00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:22,909 Michael: Let's face it, moving to a new job can be very stressful, 225 00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:28,081 so I have made an orientation video especially for you newcomers. 226 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:34,170 But it's not like any orientation video that any of you have ever seen. 227 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,172 It's funny. 228 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:39,467 It's got a little bit of a zing to it. 229 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,595 And I hope that it gives you a flavor 230 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:45,682 of what we're all about here at dunder Mifflin, 231 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,643 and what we're all about here in Scranton. 232 00:12:48,726 --> 00:12:51,896 So let's just all laugh together. And watch... 233 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,609 Sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon 234 00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:59,112 call my man Dwight just to see what was shakin'! 235 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,531 Yo, Mike, our town is dope and pretty 236 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,450 so check out how we live in the electric city! 237 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:05,952 They call it Scranton! What? 238 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:08,538 The electric city! Scranton! What? 239 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,914 The electric city! 240 00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,542 Call poison control if you're bit by a spider! 241 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:15,753 But check that it's covered by your healthcare provider! 242 00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:19,841 It reminds me of the orientation video Michael showed on my first day, 243 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,176 the Scranton witch project. 244 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,137 I am so scared 245 00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,515 when people don't label their personal food. 246 00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,018 You like coalmines and you wanna see 'em? 247 00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:32,729 Well, check it out, yo the anthracite museum 248 00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,106 plenty of space in the parkin' lot! 249 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,900 But the little cars go in the compact spot! 250 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,361 Spot! Spot! Spot! 251 00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:44,157 Well, so far, I think it is killing. 252 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,826 I thought it would either be an a or an a-plus, 253 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:50,413 but I completely forgot that there is an a-plus-plus. 254 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:51,998 Dwight: What? 255 00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,045 This is Karen filippelli, please leave a message. 256 00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,547 Terrible. Totally unconvincing. 257 00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:05,219 This is Karen filippelli, please leave a message. 258 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:10,391 Notbad. But you are Italian, so try it more Italian. 259 00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,773 This is Karen a-filippelli, please leave-a me the message. 260 00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,735 You feel good? All right. 261 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,241 Karen filippelli. 262 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,788 Hey, buddy. 263 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,207 Anything new to report? 264 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,959 Do you mean, to me from you? 265 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,171 'Cause that's how it works. 266 00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:44,384 Sure thing, buddy. 267 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,225 Andy: Am I trying to get under his skin? Yes. 268 00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:55,895 Because the angrier he gets, the more marginalized he becomes. 269 00:14:55,978 --> 00:15:00,817 Meanwhile, Andy Bernard is out there laying on the charm. 270 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,320 Hey, Angela. Check this out. 271 00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:07,824 It's my new screensaver. 272 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:10,910 Do you like it? 273 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,496 I do like it, actually. Thank you. 274 00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:18,918 You have such a pretty smile, by the way. 275 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,088 Thank you. You're welcome. 276 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,175 Hey. Hey. 277 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,885 What happened to grape soda? 278 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,680 Oh, yeah, I'm trying to move away from that. 279 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,683 Getting into more of a bottled water phase. 280 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,978 You've changed so much. Well, I'm evolving, Pam. 281 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:41,691 So when do I get to hear everything? Are you still getting unpacked, or... 282 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,944 You wanna grab a coffee or something after work? 283 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:47,655 Tonight, actually? No, I'm just still getting settled, so... 284 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,782 Oh, yeah, no, you know, whenever. Okay. 285 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,701 Okay. 286 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:56,539 Sorry to interrupt, I... nope, you're not interrupting anything. 287 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,375 Nope, I'm... don't. All right. 288 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,544 Okay. All right. 289 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,840 I should probably get back to work. 290 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:09,552 Crack the whip. All right. Yeah, I know, me, too. 291 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:17,560 The day's going fine. It's been a little chaotic, but it's fine. 292 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:22,440 It's great. A lot of distractions, but it's good. 293 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,990 Take a picture, it'll last longer. 294 00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:33,951 I'm sorry, it's just... It's a little distracting. 295 00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:35,912 Ditto that, my brother. 296 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,556 Look what's on his computer! 297 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,850 What is that, a squid's eye, or... 298 00:16:57,934 --> 00:16:59,685 It's my left breast. 299 00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,524 How did you... Right place at the right time. 300 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,446 Oh, what's that smell? What smell? 301 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:15,201 There must be an air freshener plugged in somewhere. 302 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,620 It smells like a funeral home. 303 00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,789 Oh, |'|| help you find it. 304 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,545 You know what, never mind. What is it? 305 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:29,215 I think I'm just allergic to your perfume. 306 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,468 My perfume? It's just my crazy nose. 307 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,888 I'm used to different smells. 308 00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:40,351 Bob Vance bought this perfume for me in metropolitan Orlando. 309 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,520 It's made from real pine. 310 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:44,230 Who's Bob Vance? 311 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:47,692 You've a lot to learn about this town, sweetie. 312 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,154 I don't know who these new people think they are. 313 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,825 I've sat downwind of Phyllis' stinky perfumes for years. 314 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,785 Never said a word. 315 00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:01,205 People hate people that are different from them. That's natural. 316 00:18:01,289 --> 00:18:03,708 But you know what makes people forget their differences? 317 00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:04,959 A great show. 318 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:08,296 That is why I created the integration celebration. 319 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,672 This is the moment 320 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:12,675 when Scranton and stamford come together as one, 321 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:15,428 united in applause. 322 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,724 I know a lot of you must be thinking, 323 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,183 "wow, what a day. 324 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,103 "It feels more like a night at a party than a day at work." 325 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,272 Well, in my opinion, 326 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:30,651 business should feel like a night out, 327 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,738 a night at 328 00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:38,868 the roxbury. 329 00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:42,830 Okay, there's supposed to be music, and it's... 330 00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:45,458 I got it, I got it, Dwight! Just... 331 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,877 Do you have batteries in there? Stupid... 332 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:55,468 What is love? 333 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,345 That's it! Yes, yes! Okay. Here we go. 334 00:18:57,428 --> 00:18:58,429 Baby don't hurt me 335 00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:01,307 don't hurt me no more don't hurt me no more 336 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,391 let it rock, baby! 337 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,560 What is love? Baby don't hurt me 338 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,978 here we go, here we go! 339 00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:08,481 Don't hurt me no more 340 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,817 Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. 341 00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:18,032 You and me! You and me! Me and you! You and me! 342 00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:20,785 You and me! You! You! You! You! You and me! You! You! 343 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,329 Oh, my nose is so itchy. Why is my nose so itchy? 344 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,915 Probably because of all the nose candy. 345 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,501 Okay. 346 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,795 I told you these guys had a sense of humor. 347 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,254 Okay. Very funny, Michael! 348 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,983 Really funny, Michael! All right, all right, all right, I'm on a roll. 349 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,134 Why are the new people on the table? 350 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:40,888 To show them that we are not above them. 351 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:43,933 Shouldn't we be equals? 352 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,102 Not today, no. 353 00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:52,316 Tony! Please join your cohorts on the table, if you would. 354 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,195 This is difficult for me. 355 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,406 Hey, I understand, we're all friends. 356 00:19:58,489 --> 00:20:01,742 No, I mean, I can't physically. I can't get on the table. 357 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,160 Oh, well... 358 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:08,708 Just use the momentum of your lower half to hoist yourself up. 359 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,420 Okay? 360 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:20,177 You know what? I'll help. I will help. No, please. 361 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,471 Don't be shy. Dwight, let's do this. 362 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:23,835 Come on, we're doing this thing. 363 00:20:23,889 --> 00:20:25,474 Ready? On three. One... Let's get up. 364 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,102 Bend at the knees. Okay. Here we go! Here we go! 365 00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:31,021 I'm underthis. I'm under this hock here. 366 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,917 I don't know what I'm grabbing here! All right, all right! Stop! 367 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,235 Put me down! But it feels good. Push it, push it! 368 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:39,155 I'm right in your crack! No, put me down right now! 369 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,049 Don't give up! You got it, man! Put me down right now! 370 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,343 I've had enough! Put me down right now! You got it, you got it! 371 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:46,245 Vvah, mmfll ah, okay, okay, okay.Easy. Hey, easy. 372 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,955 I'm sorry! Don't... 373 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:51,667 It's just not going to work for me. 374 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,586 I have to go. 375 00:20:53,794 --> 00:20:54,879 I don't understand. 376 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,506 I was on the fence about this, 377 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,800 and it's just not a good fit. 378 00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:02,845 Well, we'll squeeze you in! I can't work here. 379 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:04,472 I have to quit. 380 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:12,480 You can't quit on the first day! That's heresy, my friend! 381 00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:17,151 Okay, let's talk about this. What happened? I mean, what... 382 00:21:18,194 --> 00:21:21,530 Was it Toby? Did he say something? 'Cause he's... 383 00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:25,576 No, Toby was helpful. He was very kind. 384 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,455 It's just your management style. 385 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,459 My management style? So... 386 00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:38,506 Didn't you think lazy Scranton was funny? No. 387 00:21:39,089 --> 00:21:41,008 Was it supposed to be funny? 388 00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:42,468 Okay, well... 389 00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,889 Don't bother quitting, because you're fired. 390 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,391 Excuse me? You are fired! 391 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:52,353 I'm sorry, but we don't have quitters on this team! 392 00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:53,854 Just clean out your desk! 393 00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:55,898 But there's nothing in my desk except coupons. 394 00:21:56,023 --> 00:21:59,860 Don't try to apologize to me, man. It's too late! Just get out! 395 00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,697 Take your bad vibes with you! 396 00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:04,990 That was my advice. 397 00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:06,885 Remember, I'm the one who suggested that you fire him! 398 00:22:06,909 --> 00:22:09,203 Probably the best advice you ever gave me, Dwight. 399 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:13,666 And what advice has Andy given to you today that you have acted on? 400 00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:18,170 Would none be an accurate estimate? None advice? 401 00:22:19,213 --> 00:22:20,589 Fire Andy. 402 00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:23,342 Fire Andy. 403 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:26,720 Dwight may have won the battle, 404 00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:30,933 but I will win the next battle. 405 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,478 Tony was right. This environment is dysfunctional. 406 00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:36,480 Well, maybe that's because some people treat it 407 00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,315 like their own private Hooters strip club. 408 00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:42,611 Whoa, Angela, hold on. Hooters is a restaurant 409 00:22:42,736 --> 00:22:44,613 with over 400 locations worldwide. 410 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:47,825 Back to work. We don't have to get along. We just have to work together. 411 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,869 No, we do have to get along. 412 00:22:49,952 --> 00:22:52,454 Can't we all just get along? 413 00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:57,293 Or have we forgotten the words of the reverend king? 414 00:22:58,043 --> 00:22:59,688 The word "merger" comes from the word "marriage” 415 00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:02,047 and that was what today was supposed to be. 416 00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:04,967 The loving union between people. 417 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:10,139 Instead, it has become like when my mom moved in with Jeff. 418 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,977 And once again, it becomes my job to fix it. 419 00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:18,731 Hey, hey, everybody! Something happened! 420 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:20,900 Those guys from Vance refrigeration, 421 00:23:20,983 --> 00:23:22,693 they let the air out of our tires! What? 422 00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:26,488 Yeah, they punk'd us, they punk'd us good! Come on! Come on! 423 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,577 Does Bob Vance work for Vance refrigeration? 424 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,120 Does he ever. 425 00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,880 Man, they got us so bad. We cannot let them get away with this! 426 00:23:43,047 --> 00:23:47,468 We have got to pull together as one and steal their refrigerators! 427 00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:49,094 Yeah! Yeah? 428 00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:50,512 I don't think we can do that. 429 00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:51,931 Go home, Toby. Just... 430 00:23:52,014 --> 00:23:54,767 Hey. Why doesn't your car have a flat tire? 431 00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:59,563 Why? I will tell you why. Because they saved the worst for me! 432 00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:02,524 They put a hate note under my windshield wiper. 433 00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:04,443 Check this out, it's so hateful. 434 00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:06,153 "You guys suck! 435 00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:08,948 "You can never pull together as one and revenge us! 436 00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:10,658 "That is why you suck!" 437 00:24:10,741 --> 00:24:12,618 For crying out loud. 438 00:24:12,701 --> 00:24:15,621 No. No, no, no, no! No, you are falling for it! 439 00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:18,791 You are playing right into their hands. This is just what they want you to do! 440 00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:20,185 Don't, okay. What is with this guy? 441 00:24:20,209 --> 00:24:22,211 Got an hour? I'll try to explain. 442 00:24:26,006 --> 00:24:27,716 Michael: This is egregious! 443 00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:31,512 This is egregious! 444 00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:34,890 Trust me, it only gets worse. 445 00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:38,686 Is he always like this? Sometimes he brings more costumes. 446 00:24:38,769 --> 00:24:40,270 When do people work? 447 00:24:40,354 --> 00:24:43,065 We find little times during the day. 448 00:24:43,148 --> 00:24:44,817 How are we gonna get home? 449 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:48,487 Bob Vance has an air pump. He said he'd fill all ourtires up. 450 00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:50,948 Bob Vance of Vance refrigeration. 451 00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:55,202 See that? Mission accomplished. 452 00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:57,431 They're like a bunch of fourth graders. 453 00:24:57,496 --> 00:25:01,875 Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. 454 00:25:02,251 --> 00:25:04,294 Although, that'll change! 455 00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:07,923 Because by the end of the fourth grade, thelunchlady 456 00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:11,176 was actually the person I hung out with the most. 457 00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:18,642 Jell-o. Hi, jan. Jan: Michael! 458 00:25:18,726 --> 00:25:20,537 Did you fire Tony gardner when he was trying to quit? 459 00:25:20,561 --> 00:25:25,399 I did. Major personnel crisis averted. Compliment accepted. 460 00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:29,403 Do you realize, Michael, that we now have to pay him severance? 461 00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:30,821 Yes. 462 00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:32,781 You do? 463 00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:36,201 But do you realize that that was actually Dwight's idea? 464 00:25:36,285 --> 00:25:37,828 Bad advice from my number two. 465 00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:41,498 What? No, no, no, Jim is your number two. 466 00:25:41,582 --> 00:25:42,750 What? 467 00:25:42,833 --> 00:25:44,833 He is the only one who has worked with both groups. 468 00:25:44,877 --> 00:25:47,129 I sent you a memo about this. 469 00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,467 Yes, I know that, for I do read the memos. 470 00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:56,722 So, after a great deal of thought and introspectivtion, 471 00:25:56,805 --> 00:26:00,350 I have decided to make Jim my new number two. 472 00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,813 If he even wants it. It doesn't come with a pay raise. 473 00:26:04,897 --> 00:26:06,815 No, it does, actually. 474 00:26:07,775 --> 00:26:09,943 So who will be your new number three? 475 00:26:10,027 --> 00:26:11,945 That I have not decided yet. 476 00:26:12,029 --> 00:26:14,448 Michael, I would just like to say that you have handled 477 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:17,868 this entire situation with great aplomb. 478 00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:20,829 Thank you, Andy, that's very kind, thanks. 479 00:26:20,913 --> 00:26:23,248 And I have to say that your leadership has brought... 480 00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:25,793 Shut it. Shut it. That's... 481 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,254 Suck-up. 482 00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:37,096 Hey, where you at, filippelli? 483 00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:41,517 Karen: I'm at the grocery store buying a corkscrew to give myself a lobotomy. 484 00:26:42,643 --> 00:26:44,483 What's wrong, you didn't have a good first day? 485 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:45,896 Oh, my god! 486 00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:49,316 Hey, you wanna meet at Cooper's in an hour? I need a drink. 487 00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:51,944 Yeah, sure. Sounds good. I... 488 00:26:53,195 --> 00:26:55,048 Hey, you know what? Can I give you a call right back? 489 00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:57,116 Yeah. Bye. Okay, thanks. 490 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,494 Hey. Hey! 491 00:27:00,577 --> 00:27:02,663 I thought you had already left. 492 00:27:02,830 --> 00:27:06,917 No, I just had some other stuff I had to do. 493 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,044 Good. What's up? 494 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,420 Oh, nothing, ijustfeel bad. 495 00:27:10,504 --> 00:27:12,824 I feel like things were a little weird today, or something. 496 00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,508 What do you mean? 497 00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:19,721 I just think I should tell you that I've sort of started seeing someone. 498 00:27:20,013 --> 00:27:21,223 And... 499 00:27:21,306 --> 00:27:24,560 That's totally cool. You can do whatever you want. 500 00:27:26,103 --> 00:27:28,647 Okay, good. 501 00:27:28,730 --> 00:27:31,400 We're friends. We'll always be friends. 502 00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:33,777 Right. 503 00:27:35,404 --> 00:27:36,697 It's good to have you back. 504 00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:39,283 Yeah, good to be back. 505 00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:54,089 Saw your dork-mobile in the parking lot. 506 00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:55,608 What does it get, like, four miles to the gallon? 507 00:27:55,632 --> 00:27:57,217 Try double that. 508 00:27:57,301 --> 00:28:00,179 Classic trans am, vintage American muscle. Please. 509 00:28:00,262 --> 00:28:03,932 Yeah, my xterra is pretty sweet. Luxurious yet rugged. 510 00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:05,017 Leave it to the Japanese. 511 00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:06,768 Xterra's not even a real word. 512 00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:09,521 Actually, it is, it's Latin for "earth." 513 00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:12,608 Oh, so you drive an x-earth? Yeah, that makes sense. 514 00:28:12,774 --> 00:28:16,403 I'd rather drive a classic trans am than an x-earth. 515 00:28:17,321 --> 00:28:18,697 Yeah, I bet you would. 516 00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:21,825 Oh, by the way, 1985 called. It wants its car back. 517 00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:25,120 Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, 'cause I drive an '87. 518 00:28:25,204 --> 00:28:26,455 Speaking of time machines? 519 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:29,499 I just got back from the future, and iwent to your funeral, and guess what? 520 00:28:29,583 --> 00:28:30,959 Nobody came. 521 00:28:31,043 --> 00:28:35,547 Speaking of funerals, why don't you go ahead and go die? 522 00:28:35,756 --> 00:28:39,968 That was a really well-constructed sentence. 523 00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:44,514 You should be an English professor at cor-not university. 524 00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,266 Idiot! 525 00:28:46,350 --> 00:28:48,810 If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a trans am. 526 00:28:49,019 --> 00:28:50,437 If you were driving a trans am, 527 00:28:50,520 --> 00:28:53,607 you'd be the smartest idiot in the whole world. 528 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,859 Idiot! 529 00:28:57,069 --> 00:28:58,695 You're the idiot. 530 00:28:59,154 --> 00:29:00,572 Nice comeback. 531 00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:04,952 I was making fun of your comeback. That's why it worked. 532 00:29:08,163 --> 00:29:11,041 I totally got the best of that interchange.