1
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:07,883
Karen: So, do you
want to see it or not?

2
00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:11,303
I don't know. Theyte,
hke, Friday night crowds...

3
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,764
Oh, my god.
You're, like, agoraphobic.

4
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,224
Agoraphobic? Yeah.

5
00:00:15,307 --> 00:00:16,683
Really. Yeah.

6
00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,770
You would rather sit on your
couch and watch a Phillies game

7
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,064
than go out to a movie
with your awesome girlfriend.

8
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:23,899
Absolutely correct. Later, Jim.

9
00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,567
Kev, have a good weekend.
Yeah, sure.

10
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:28,004
Okay, so this is
what's gonna happen.

11
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,947
You're going to suck it up.
Here we go.

12
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,406
And we're gonna go to dinner.
Okay.

13
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,218
And then
ete
gonnagotothernowes. Soundsgood.

14
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,535
Hey, Halpert.

15
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,246
Hey.

16
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,001
Roy! Roy!

17
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,754
God!

18
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,555
Pam, please call security.

19
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,224
Every day for eight years,

20
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:59,027
I have brought pepper
spray into this office

21
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,853
to protect myself
and my fellow employees.

22
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:04,189
And every day, for eight years,

23
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:05,774
people have laughed at me.

24
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,235
Well, who's laughing now?

25
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:47,274
No need for consternation.
Everything is under control.

26
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,237
Jan: Michael, last Friday,
one of your employees

27
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,320
attacked another
employee in your office.

28
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,447
It was a crime of passion, jan.

29
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,532
Not a disgruntled employee.

30
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,826
Everyone here is
extremely gruntled.

31
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,203
Is Toby there?

32
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:02,497
I'm here, jan.

33
00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:04,583
What is the situation, Toby?

34
00:02:04,666 --> 00:02:06,918
Well, we fired Roy, obviously.

35
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:10,213
And Jim won't press charges
against Roy or the company.

36
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,715
Yeah. Thank god.

37
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,958
But now, apparently, Darryl
has some issue with this...

38
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:17,262
No, he has been wanting a
raise for a couple of months,

39
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:20,098
and he'sjust using
this Roy thing as leverage.

40
00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:21,683
Well, are you gonna
take care of this?

41
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:22,934
Yeppers.

42
00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:25,228
What did I tell
you about "yeppers"?

43
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,482
I don't remember.

44
00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,984
I told you not to say it.
Do you remember that?

45
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,527
Yesh.

46
00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,367
Pam: I really don't
want to talk about it.

47
00:02:38,950 --> 00:02:40,494
I don't mean to be rude.

48
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:43,872
But I just, I don't want
to comment on what happened.

49
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:47,542
Itsucked.

50
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:55,175
I guess all things considered,

51
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:58,136
I was lucky Dwight was there.

52
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,973
And Roy was lucky that
Dwight only used pepper spray,

53
00:03:02,099 --> 00:03:04,601
and not the nunchakus
or the throwing stars.

54
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:15,195
Hey, man, I never got a chance
to thank you for stopping Roy.

55
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:17,823
Thank you.

56
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,991
"Thank you" not necessary
and thus not accepted.

57
00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:22,828
I saw someone breaking
the law and I interceded.

58
00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:25,038
Okay.

59
00:03:27,833 --> 00:03:29,042
Got you something.

60
00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,377
Don't want it.

61
00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:31,920
You don't know what it is.

62
00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,273
Don't want it, won't open it,
don't need it, won't take it.

63
00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:37,092
Citizens do not accept prizes
for being citizens.

64
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:45,934
It was a little glass display
case for his bobblehead.

65
00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:49,146
That would have made
his evening, I think.

66
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:52,107
He saves my life, I get
him a box for his desk toy.

67
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:54,651
Even-Steven.

68
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,778
No, don't call me a hero.

69
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,989
Do you know who
the real heroes are?

70
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,116
The guys who wake
up every morning

71
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,368
and go into their normal jobs,

72
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:05,412
and get a distress call
from the commissioner

73
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,622
and take off their glasses
and change into capes

74
00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:09,750
and fly around fighting crime.

75
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,543
Those are the real heroes.

76
00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,837
Angela, Roy's check.

77
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,881
He's coming in
later to pick it up.

78
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:19,050
Man, lcannotbeheve
I missed the fight.

79
00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:20,552
It was crazy. Man.

80
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,262
You saw it?

81
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,431
Describe it, please.

82
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:27,684
Well...

83
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:32,022
I heard some shouting, and I
look over and Roy's by reception,

84
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,441
and you could just tell
he's gonna punch somebody.

85
00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:38,570
Jim says something, Roy stops
over there, all of a sudden, bam,

86
00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:41,573
Roy goes down and Dwight's
standing there like an action hero.

87
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,576
It was insane.

88
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,790
Well, good for Dwight.

89
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:53,543
Okay, I want you to be
Darryl and ask me for a raise

90
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,755
because I need to try out some
of these negotiation tactics on you.

91
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:57,923
Where'd you get that?

92
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,049
Wikipedia.

93
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,635
Wikipedia is
the best thing ever.

94
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:07,140
Anyone in the world can write
anything they want about any subject,

95
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:11,436
so you know you are getting
the best possible information.

96
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,314
Okay, Darryl,
ask me for a raise.

97
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,858
Hey, Mike, since Roy
left I've been doing

98
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,819
a lot more work
and I need a raise.

99
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,821
Well,
that's interesting, Darryl.

100
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:24,574
I think that maybe you should...

101
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:32,916
Can't hear you.

102
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,252
What I'm saying is that...

103
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,841
Still nothing.

104
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,384
Okay. See what I did?

105
00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:46,638
By leaning back
and by whispering,

106
00:05:46,721 --> 00:05:49,641
I established
a dominant physical position.

107
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:51,685
Nice.

108
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,103
Okay, let's try another one.

109
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,437
Okay.

110
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,815
Walking out of
the room unexpectedly.

111
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:58,483
And what happens in this one?

112
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,527
That's a surprise. Okay.

113
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,362
Go ahead, ask me for a raise.

114
00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:03,989
Can I have a raise?

115
00:06:07,617 --> 00:06:09,619
Sex. Steve Martin. Teri hatcher.

116
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,371
What? What?

117
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,665
Well, what did you say?

118
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,668
I didn't say anything. I was
waiting to see what would happen.

119
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:17,836
No, it's...

120
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:21,923
It sounded interesting,
what you were gonna...

121
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:25,468
I saw the perpetrator advance
towards the victim at a high rate of speed.

122
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,971
His head was thrown back,
his shoulder and arm cocked,

123
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,931
indicating an attack position.

124
00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,766
Perp grabbed the victim.

125
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,604
I removed my weapon
from its secure hiding place.

126
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:36,771
Which is where?

127
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:37,856
Irrelevant.

128
00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:40,859
Discharged it at a distance
of a little over a meter

129
00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:45,238
into the perpetrator's
eyes, nose and face area,

130
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:49,618
rendering him utterly
and completely disabled.

131
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,370
Then I contacted
the authorities.

132
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,040
The end.

133
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,959
Thanks, Dwight.

134
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,087
That is the bravest
thing I have ever heard.

135
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,256
I can't imagine
what I would have done.

136
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,549
I can.

137
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,593
You would have left
me to fend for myself.

138
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,279
Like the time we were
on the Ferris wheel,

139
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,239
and that kid dropped a milkshake
on me and you just laughed.

140
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,490
Well, that was funny.
That's why.

141
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:12,599
Oh, it was?

142
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:15,244
Okay, well, the next time that you
get scared that you think a murderer

143
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,370
is in your apartment
in the middle of the night,

144
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,455
and you call me
to calm you down...

145
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:18,480
Okay, you know what, I...

146
00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:19,916
Could you stop? ...You
can just call somebody else

147
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,626
because I'm not going to
do it anymore, Ryan. I'm not.

148
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,085
Well, don't talk to me
about calling...

149
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,503
There's a bunch
of people back here.

150
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,047
I call you in the middle
of the night... guys.

151
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,322
To tell you that I love you.

152
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:33,370
I don't think Michael intended to punish
me by putting Ryan back here with Kelly.

153
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,538
But if he did intend that...

154
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,582
Wow.

155
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,001
Genius.

156
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,336
Yeah?

157
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:42,587
You ready for me?

158
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,882
Yes, yeah.
Absolutely. Have a seat.

159
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,427
You know what, actually, let's
go into the conference room.

160
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,512
Okay.

161
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,639
No, you know what,
let's stay here.

162
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,100
Let's go.

163
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:58,395
Yeah, let's go to
the conference room.

164
00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:02,440
Tactic number six.

165
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:05,777
Change the location of the
meeting at the last second.

166
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,654
Totally throws them off.

167
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:21,167
Number 14,
declining to speak first.

168
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,921
Makes them feel
uncomfortable, puts you in control.

169
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,067
I am declining to speak first.

170
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:50,071
Okay, I'll start.
It's pretty simple, really.

171
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,407
I think I deserve a raise.

172
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,451
I'm scheduled to
get one in six months,

173
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,536
but I'd like that
to be moved up to now.

174
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,752
Darryl, you are

175
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:07,130
a good worker and a good man.

176
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,967
I just...
You know, times are tight,

177
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,554
and I just don't
think corporate's

178
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,389
going to go for this right now.

179
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,892
Are you wearing lady clothes?

180
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:20,643
What?

181
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:24,606
Are you wearing lady clothes?
Those look like lady pants.

182
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,901
No. This is a power suit.

183
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,569
That there is a woman's suit.

184
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:33,114
I do not buy women's clothes.

185
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,116
Do not make that mistake again.

186
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,451
I'm going to call Roy, man.

187
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,952
Okay. All right.

188
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:39,388
This is going to
make him feel better.

189
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:40,789
This is too good. All right.

190
00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:43,625
You know what,
Pam, would you please

191
00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,960
tell Darryl that this
is not a woman's suit?

192
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:48,338
Oh, my god.
That's a woman's suit.

193
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,256
You're wearing a woman's suit?

194
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,884
I do...
I wear men's suits. Okay?

195
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,385
I got this out of a bin.

196
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:56,054
There were these
huge bins of clothes,

197
00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,556
and everybody was riffling
through them like crazy.

198
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,600
And I grabbed one.

199
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,103
And it fit.

200
00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:07,690
So I don't think that this is
totally just a woman's suit.

201
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,068
At the very least,
it's bisexual.

202
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,778
Who makes it?

203
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,452
It is mysterious, because the
buttons are on the wrong side.

204
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,662
That's the mystery.

205
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,848
Look, it's got shoulder pads.
And did you see that lining?

206
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:23,998
Okay. Did you see that?

207
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,166
Would you stop it, please?

208
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,960
So none of that tipped you off?

209
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,504
It's European, okay?
It's a European cut.

210
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,631
Michael, the pants
don't have any pockets.

211
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,675
No, they don't, see?

212
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,261
Italians don't wear pockets.

213
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,763
It's been a really
rough couple of days.

214
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,517
This helps a little.

215
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,228
Hey, maybe you want to
come over and raid my closet?

216
00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,356
No, I don't want to do that
because I'm twice your size anyway.

217
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,358
Yeah, he look
like Hillary Clinton.

218
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,193
Let's just do this in 15.

219
00:10:52,277 --> 00:10:54,362
Okay, can you stand
right there for one second?

220
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:55,989
I got to send some e-mails.

221
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:58,658
Negotiations are
all about controlling things,

222
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:01,035
about being
in the driver's seat.

223
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:05,456
And you make one
tiny mistake, you're dead.

224
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,667
I made one tiny mistake.

225
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,211
I wore women's clothes.

226
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:18,511
So, Karen, how do you feel that
Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass

227
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,305
over another woman?

228
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,266
I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.

229
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,852
You must have been scared
out of your mind.

230
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,562
Well, you know,
it happened so fast,

231
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,772
I didn't really
have time to be scared.

232
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:32,192
What happened, exactly?

233
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:36,029
I wasn't here. So I haven't
really heard the whole story.

234
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,365
Well, Jim and iwere talking.

235
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:42,577
And Roy walked in,
looking super angry.

236
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,330
And he's a big dude, you know?

237
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,166
And all of a sudden,
Jim pushed me out of the way

238
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,043
and Roy cocked his fist.

239
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,252
And then?

240
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:54,631
And then, bam, Dwight sprays
him and knocks him on his butt.

241
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:57,800
Goodness.

242
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,221
When I heard Jim
and Pam had kissed,

243
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:05,266
my reaction was to have lots of
long talks with Jim about our feelings.

244
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,769
Roy just attacked him.

245
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,521
I'm not sure which
one Jim hated more.

246
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,315
Let's get down to business.

247
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,526
Why don't you tell me why
you think you deserve a raise.

248
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:16,903
Well, it's simple, Mike.

249
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:19,155
I mean, we merged
these two branches, right?

250
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,283
So now we're shipping twice
as many orders as we used to.

251
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,661
And with Roy gone,
we've got a smaller crew.

252
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,454
And I'm picking up
all of his slack,

253
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:29,874
so I think I should be
compensated fairly by getting a raise.

254
00:12:29,958 --> 00:12:32,126
Well, those are
very good points.

255
00:12:32,502 --> 00:12:34,170
What? I can't hear you.

256
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,589
Those are very good points.

257
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,800
I can't...
What, Mike? Are you...

258
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:43,554
You make a very
compelling argument.

259
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:52,272
Sorry I almost got you killed.

260
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,481
Yeah.

261
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,233
That was nuts.

262
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:59,737
He could have broken your
nose or something. Crazy.

263
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,745
It's just so stupid. I mean, getting
back with Roy and everything.

264
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:10,623
I mean,
what I was thinking, right?

265
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:15,712
No, I mean, you guys really
seem to have a strong connection.

266
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:20,466
Not anymore.
It's completely over now.

267
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:23,803
We'll see.

268
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:27,765
I'm sure you guys will find your
way back to one another someday.

269
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:28,933
Pam: Jim.

270
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,979
I am really sorry.

271
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:35,898
Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.

272
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,903
I'm going to give
you a piece of paper.

273
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,614
I want you to write down
how much you want.

274
00:13:43,698 --> 00:13:46,743
Then I want you to slide it
back across the desk to me.

275
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:49,954
Why can't I just tell you?

276
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:55,001
Because that is the way
these things are done in films.

277
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,090
Now slide it. Yes.

278
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,300
There you go.

279
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:08,348
Oh, come on. Be serious.

280
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,516
I am serious, Mike.
That's a 10-percent raise.

281
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,477
That's what I want.
I can't give you that.

282
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,103
I don't make this much.

283
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,772
Come on, be for real, Mike.

284
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:19,359
I don't. I'll prove it to you.

285
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,320
There is a pay stub.

286
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,868
Are you serious?
You're earning this?

287
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,078
Plus perks. Yes.

288
00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:32,330
Mike, this is barely
more than I make.

289
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,165
You've been here
ten years, dawg.

290
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,168
Fourteen years.

291
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,878
No, please, please don't.

292
00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:42,507
I'm sorry, Mike. Some mofos
got to hear about this one.

293
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,676
Okay. Let's take 15 again.

294
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,805
A boss' salary
isn't just about money.

295
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,099
It is about perks. It...

296
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:54,769
For example, every year
I get a $100 gas card.

297
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:57,814
Can't put a price tag on that.

298
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:02,026
Okay. If you don't want
a gift, at least let me

299
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:04,153
buy you a beer or
lunch or something.

300
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,532
When Han Solo returns to the
death star in the millennium falcon,

301
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:10,451
and shoots down the tie
fighters and saves the rebel cause,

302
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,912
do you think he does so
for a free beer?

303
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:14,872
Boy, I... no.

304
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:16,892
And why are you so interested
in buying me something, Jim?

305
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,584
What's your angle?

306
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:22,314
It's like when he annoys me
and I want to screw with him

307
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,715
to get him back,
he never sees it coming.

308
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,134
But now I want to be nice to him

309
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,510
and actually give him something,

310
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,719
and he's like an eel.

311
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:31,472
I just can't grab onto him.
It's infuriating.

312
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:35,268
Maybe you just feel guilty
about all the pranks.

313
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,605
Yes. That's probably what it is.

314
00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:41,232
So what do I do?

315
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:43,526
I don't know.

316
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,194
Maybe you should
go back out there

317
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,447
and sell paper so
we can go on a trip.

318
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:53,161
Michael?
Here's the $15 I owe you.

319
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:54,287
Yeah. Thank you.

320
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,539
I heard you might need it, so...

321
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,043
Here's the $40 you gave me.

322
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,879
I didn't give you $40.

323
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,839
In a way, you did.

324
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,635
Yeah. I heard how
much Michael makes.

325
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,638
I still think he's way overpaid.

326
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,099
Fourteen years.

327
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:16,601
Fourteen.

328
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:18,769
I know.

329
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,815
Okay, all right, I got to go.
Late.

330
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:27,069
Okay. Okay.
Here's the straight dope.

331
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:28,779
No tricks, no Wikipedia.

332
00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:29,864
What?

333
00:16:29,947 --> 00:16:32,742
I talked to corporate
and they told me that

334
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,536
I can only give you
a five-percent raise.

335
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:36,954
That's 'cause of you, Mike.

336
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:39,141
They're not going to give the
working man more than the boss.

337
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,583
Well, what am I supposed to do?

338
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,335
Get your own raise.

339
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,253
You've got to get out
there and earn, son.

340
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,964
I'm not going to go out
and ask for a raise right now.

341
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,090
That is ridiculous.

342
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,176
Well, when they merged
the two branches together,

343
00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:52,220
they put you in charge.

344
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,722
Okay? And we're shipping
more now than we ever have.

345
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,224
That's true. Yeah, that's true.

346
00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:59,101
You got to call
your girl and get paid.

347
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:02,063
Show her who wears the pants
in the relationship.

348
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:04,398
You know what, I should.

349
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:05,525
Yeah, you should.

350
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:08,986
I've been a loyal
employee for a long time.

351
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,738
Fourteen years long.

352
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,198
You know what, I deserve a bump.

353
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,325
Make it happen, captain.

354
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:19,163
I am making it happen, sergeant.

355
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,750
I remember it was very
late at night, like11:00, 11:30.

356
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,212
Big fella comes in screaming
about god knows what.

357
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,422
I think maybe
Halpert had stolen his car,

358
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,882
something like that.

359
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:33,427
So the big fella pulls out
a sock filled with nickels.

360
00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:36,889
Then schrute grabs a can
of hairspray and a lighter...

361
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,516
You're useless.

362
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:44,564
Jan: Well, why don't we talk
next month after the quarter ends?

363
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,358
No, jan.

364
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,237
I've never asked
for a raise in 14 years.

365
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,365
This is long overdue.
I want to do it today.

366
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:55,449
Today?

367
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:59,996
All right, well, if you want to do it
today, we should do it in person,

368
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,290
and can you get here by 5:00?

369
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,876
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll leave right away.

370
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,169
Great.

371
00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:10,423
And listen, because of
our, you know, situation,

372
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,883
we're going to need to
have a third party present.

373
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:14,677
Yes. I'm bringing Darryl.

374
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,221
Darryl from the warehouse?
Mmm-hmm.

375
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:20,516
No, Michael, we...
We need an hr rep,

376
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,977
so I think you
should just bring Toby.

377
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,146
Hey, I'd rather kill myself.

378
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,689
Michael,
he's your branch's hr rep...

379
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:28,065
No, Toby is terrible.

380
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,543
And we need
someone else in the room...

381
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,128
Toby is the worst
human being I've ever known.

382
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,737
Because of our
relationship. Michael!

383
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,615
Either Toby comes
with you or we don't do it.

384
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:40,453
Fine.

385
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:41,954
Kelly: You are so mean.

386
00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,348
Ryan: I don't know
what you're talking about.

387
00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,999
Yes, you do, Ryan Bailey Howard.

388
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,402
You called me stupid.
No. Isaid...

389
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:47,918
Toby, come on, let's go.

390
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,211
Where? Where?

391
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,607
I'm going to smack you in the head
with a hammer. Come on, let's go.

392
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,734
Kelly: What is so stupid about
wanting to name a baby Usher?

393
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:54,800
All right.

394
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:55,944
Usher Jennifer Hudson kapour.

395
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,845
Ryan: Don't you see
why that's insane?

396
00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,597
Oh, so I'm crazy now?

397
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,188
Comfortable, Mike?

398
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:08,272
Yeah.

399
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:10,296
What about you, man,
you comfortable?

400
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,948
Don't ever touch
a black man's radio.

401
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,577
Chris Tucker, rush hour.

402
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:27,083
I won't touch yours, by the way.

403
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,834
Thank you.

404
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,004
I haven't been to
New York in a long time.

405
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,589
Big apple.

406
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,383
Maybe I'll stay overnight.

407
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,677
I got a cousin
who lives down there.

408
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,637
How will we get home?

409
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,973
Oh, you can stay, too.
He's got a big place.

410
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,350
Maybe I'll stay.

411
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,685
It's not that big.

412
00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:48,437
Buses, though,
will get you home quick.

413
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:53,484
And then all of a sudden Dwight
stood up and was like, "no!"

414
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,670
Then what did he do?

415
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,296
Well, you should just read
the report that Toby did.

416
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,780
He took everyone's stories.

417
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:02,326
Dunder Mifflin, customer
service. This is Kelly.

418
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,080
Oh, yeah, I can totally
help you with that.

419
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,666
Okay. Let me just
get the folder out.

420
00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:13,337
Okay, it seems here that you
ordered 12,000 reams of paper.

421
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:15,047
Oh, 12 reams?

422
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:30,187
Hey, guys. Jan is ready for you.

423
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:31,397
Okay.

424
00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:34,233
Okay. Bring it home now.

425
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,652
And don't forget the new
black-man phrase I taught you.

426
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,362
Pippety poppety,
give me the zoppety.

427
00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:40,239
Yes, sir. Remember that.

428
00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:41,971
I'll be right outside
if you need me.

429
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,534
All right.

430
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,495
Darryl: Yeah. Itaught
Mike some new phrases.

431
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:48,873
I want him to get the raise.

432
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,292
I just can't help myself.

433
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,394
Hey, man...

434
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,022
I'm sorry.

435
00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:28,162
Thanks.

436
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:42,927
Can I, like, see you after
work for coffee or something?

437
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:44,553
I don't know.

438
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:46,972
Please.

439
00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,601
I just got some stuff
I got to say to you.

440
00:21:58,734 --> 00:21:59,819
Jim.

441
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,071
Roy. Look out!

442
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:05,282
Thanks, kev. I'm good, though.

443
00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:07,409
Thank you, hunter.

444
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:10,579
Hello. Come in.

445
00:22:12,957 --> 00:22:14,041
Okay.

446
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,045
Who is the boy toy?

447
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:20,256
That's my new assistant.

448
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:23,926
Were you going to tell me that
you hired James Van Der beek?

449
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,554
Ihaveto call you the second
I get a new assistant now?

450
00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:28,931
Be nice to get a memo.
We are lovers.

451
00:22:30,641 --> 00:22:32,017
Hi, jan.

452
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:35,604
Hi, Toby.

453
00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:39,441
First...

454
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:43,362
First off, Michael,
this is a salary negotiation.

455
00:22:43,654 --> 00:22:45,494
All matters regarding
our personal relationship

456
00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:47,825
have to be set aside.
Are we clear?

457
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,159
Bippety, boppety.

458
00:22:50,661 --> 00:22:53,372
Right now, we can offer you
a six-percent raise.

459
00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,583
Six percent?
After all we've been through?

460
00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:58,794
Oh, god.
I got you Jade earrings.

461
00:22:58,878 --> 00:23:00,129
Michael. No.

462
00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:01,422
No. No. Michael.

463
00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:03,090
You're going to
play it like this?

464
00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:06,677
You give me a good raise
or no more sex.

465
00:23:10,222 --> 00:23:11,932
What are you writing, perv-ball?

466
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:14,143
Just preparing
for the deposition.

467
00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:17,187
This may the first time that a
male subordinate has attempted

468
00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:19,356
to get a modest, scheduled raise

469
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,610
by threatening to withhold
sex from a female superior.

470
00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:25,321
It will be a groundbreaking case

471
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,698
when it
inevitably goes to trial.

472
00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:30,492
I'm so sorry, Pammy.

473
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,914
I mean, iwasn't going
to do anything, but then...

474
00:23:35,289 --> 00:23:37,666
I kept thinking
about you two together.

475
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:42,046
I just thought you guys
were really good friends

476
00:23:42,129 --> 00:23:44,506
or maybe he was
gay or something.

477
00:23:45,716 --> 00:23:47,301
Not that that's wrong.

478
00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:51,972
I'm sorry, too.

479
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:58,020
I just... I think that we both
made some bad choices.

480
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:09,573
So, you going to
start dating Halpert then?

481
00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:14,578
No. He has a girlfriend.

482
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,372
Oh, yeah.

483
00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:22,461
Wait a minute, you broke
up our wedding for the guy.

484
00:24:24,213 --> 00:24:26,507
There were a lot of reasons.

485
00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:31,845
What, you're not even
going to try to go out with him?

486
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:37,267
I don't get you, Pam.

487
00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:39,603
I know.

488
00:24:46,652 --> 00:24:48,070
What's this?

489
00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:49,571
What's what?

490
00:24:49,655 --> 00:24:53,200
"Certificate of bravery from
the Scranton police department

491
00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:57,579
"recognizing outstanding citizenship
from a very brave young man,

492
00:24:57,663 --> 00:24:59,164
"Dwight k. Schrute."

493
00:24:59,373 --> 00:25:02,251
Wow. I guess word got around.
That's a nice honor.

494
00:25:02,459 --> 00:25:04,670
Please. They hand
these out to little kids.

495
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,548
Look, there's a Teddy bear
in a policeman's cap.

496
00:25:08,424 --> 00:25:10,801
Didn't think you'd notice.

497
00:25:12,386 --> 00:25:17,266
Why don't you just take that
pen and stab me in the heart?

498
00:25:17,349 --> 00:25:18,934
This is me, jan. This is me.

499
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,478
Okay. Michael, please.

500
00:25:21,562 --> 00:25:23,123
You know, why don't
we just take a break?

501
00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:24,273
Okay. This is...

502
00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:26,442
This is going nowhere.
No. No. No.

503
00:25:26,525 --> 00:25:28,986
You do not try
tactic number eight on me.

504
00:25:29,069 --> 00:25:30,821
I invented tactic number eight.

505
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:31,947
I'm not going anywhere.

506
00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:33,091
Okay, Toby, how about if you...

507
00:25:33,115 --> 00:25:34,616
Sure. Great.

508
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:43,250
What's wrong with you?

509
00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:46,128
I don't know. Was a weird day.

510
00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:49,923
I accidentally cross-dressed.

511
00:25:51,008 --> 00:25:54,261
And then Darryl made me feel
bad for not making any money.

512
00:25:55,054 --> 00:25:57,014
And then I had to ride
up here with stupid Toby.

513
00:25:57,097 --> 00:26:01,602
And then your assistant
is all young and hot and I...

514
00:26:01,935 --> 00:26:03,228
Okay, Michael.

515
00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:07,399
I can offer you
a 12-percent raise,

516
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:11,320
but you have got to ask for 15.

517
00:26:12,946 --> 00:26:14,382
That's ridiculous.
I'm never going to...

518
00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:15,699
No, just...

519
00:26:15,783 --> 00:26:20,537
I just need you to ask for it so I
can record that you asked for it.

520
00:26:20,996 --> 00:26:22,206
Okay?

521
00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:25,542
Ah so.

522
00:26:31,298 --> 00:26:35,552
All right, Levinson,
here's the rub.

523
00:26:36,637 --> 00:26:39,515
I would like a 15-percent raise.

524
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:41,558
No, but we can offer you 12.

525
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:43,811
But you just said 15.

526
00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:47,606
Michael: Negotiation is an art.

527
00:26:48,065 --> 00:26:50,067
Back and forth. Give and take.

528
00:26:50,651 --> 00:26:53,737
And today, both Darryl
and I took something.

529
00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:56,156
Higher salaries.

530
00:26:56,698 --> 00:26:57,991
Win, win, win.

531
00:26:58,742 --> 00:27:03,705
But, you know, life is
about more than just salary.

532
00:27:04,248 --> 00:27:06,500
It's about perks.

533
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:08,836
Like having sex with jan...

534
00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:10,170
Michael.

535
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,593
So, you and Bob are looking
at a historical house?

536
00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:18,137
Near the river.

537
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:20,180
How many bedrooms? Fouh

538
00:27:21,807 --> 00:27:23,433
Dwight. Dwight.

539
00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:30,274
I've been doing some
very interesting reading.

540
00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:31,441
Really?

541
00:27:32,067 --> 00:27:33,402
Tales of bravery.

542
00:27:33,944 --> 00:27:35,487
Good stuff?

543
00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:40,367
I was thinking tonight
we could read it together.

544
00:27:41,410 --> 00:27:42,703
Thatsounds

545
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:44,705
fun.

546
00:28:04,057 --> 00:28:05,642
Will never say a word.

547
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:09,271
And now we are even.

548
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,570
And y: I graduated
from anger management

549
00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:18,322
the same way
I graduated from Cornell.

550
00:28:18,405 --> 00:28:19,448
On time.

551
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:23,076
Now I'm back, got a second
chance and I'm not going to blow it.

552
00:28:23,202 --> 00:28:25,412
So, look out, dunder Mifflin.

553
00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:29,333
I mean "look out" in a fun way.

554
00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:32,002
You know, not like,
"I'm going to hurt you."

555
00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:35,214
Hey, guys, guess who's back?

556
00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:40,552
Oh, god!

557
00:28:40,636 --> 00:28:42,471
No need to thank me.

558
00:28:42,554 --> 00:28:44,014
I'm not a hero.

559
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,516
I'm a mere defender
of the office.

560
00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:48,685
You know who's a real hero?

561
00:28:48,769 --> 00:28:50,270
Hiro from heroes.

562
00:28:50,771 --> 00:28:52,022
That's a hero.

563
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:54,650
Also bono.