1 00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:04,755 (Humming) 2 00:00:05,381 --> 00:00:07,341 What the hell? 3 00:00:07,425 --> 00:00:09,260 No! This is not happening. 4 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,512 Didn't you get the memo? It's stairmageddon. 5 00:00:11,596 --> 00:00:13,181 Come on, Stanley! 6 00:00:13,264 --> 00:00:16,017 Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, 7 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,727 and he was really on top of it. 8 00:00:17,810 --> 00:00:20,605 Weeks ago, he started the stairmageddon awareness campaign. 9 00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:24,984 The idea was to get us prepared both mentally and physically 10 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:28,905 for a day that hopefully comes once in a hundred years. 11 00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:31,115 It's a mageddon! 12 00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:34,911 Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it! 13 00:00:35,328 --> 00:00:38,664 I put 17 damn years into this company, 14 00:00:38,748 --> 00:00:41,334 and now they're making me climb stair mountain? 15 00:00:41,459 --> 00:00:42,710 Come on! 16 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:47,215 Our office has an unusually large number of unusually large people. 17 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,675 This is an abomination! 18 00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:50,760 Come on, you got this! 19 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:54,096 Oscar: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, 20 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:57,391 and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, 21 00:00:57,475 --> 00:01:00,102 we have to compare it to the end of time. 22 00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:12,448 Red alert, red alert! 23 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:15,409 The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in! 24 00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:17,328 What? I just got a text from my brother. 25 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,373 Scrantontimestribunecom. There's a review of the documentary. 26 00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:21,540 (Gasps) What does it say? 27 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:22,917 I don't know, Phyllis! 28 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:25,378 I just got the text and started screaming red alert! 29 00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:28,297 Well, the alert was already set to red, because of stairmageddon. 30 00:01:28,381 --> 00:01:30,061 Do you think I should set it to double red? 31 00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:31,342 I think we should. 32 00:01:33,386 --> 00:01:34,387 (Grunts) 33 00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,514 "The office: An American workplace 34 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:39,100 "airing on pbs next month is a documentary 35 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:42,436 "following the employees of Scranton's own dunder Mifflin paper company!" 36 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:44,605 (All cheer) 37 00:01:44,689 --> 00:01:47,566 "In the series, which will air starting in may, 38 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:52,071 "we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. 39 00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:55,783 "There's Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant, 40 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:58,119 "Dwight schrute, the head salesman, 41 00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:02,540 "forever chasing a manager position he will never get." 42 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:05,334 What does Josh mcaulliffe know about the paper business? 43 00:02:05,418 --> 00:02:08,629 He works for a news... thing. 44 00:02:08,713 --> 00:02:10,589 "Andy Bernard. 45 00:02:10,673 --> 00:02:15,136 "The rudderless trust fund child/middle-manager 46 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:16,971 "whose incompetence is emblematic 47 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:18,848 "of a declining American economy." 48 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,766 Ouch. Sorry, Andy. Thats_. 49 00:02:21,434 --> 00:02:22,560 It's okay. 50 00:02:22,727 --> 00:02:24,270 What the hell does he know? 51 00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:27,356 "A possible explanation for his lack of career focus 52 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,985 "is his surprising musical talent." 53 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,903 I will. I want you to print that out for me. 54 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:35,489 Now that this documentary is coming out, 55 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:38,951 my days at dunder Mifflin are probably limited. 56 00:02:39,035 --> 00:02:40,494 And you know what? Good! 57 00:02:40,578 --> 00:02:43,414 Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. 58 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:46,125 I wanted to be my generation's Lisa loeb. 59 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:49,670 "Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, 60 00:02:49,754 --> 00:02:53,758 "a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure 61 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:57,261 "embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values." 62 00:02:57,345 --> 00:03:00,056 Oh... which public figure? 63 00:03:00,139 --> 00:03:03,100 I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years. 64 00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:07,688 No, I think they mean more like a politician. 65 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,318 (Panting) 66 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,528 You own the building. 67 00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:17,156 Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? 68 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,742 Who do I look like, Jackie joyner-kersee? 69 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:22,787 Well, I did say itwould be an inconvenience. 70 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,793 You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. 71 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:26,975 It's time to go out on a sale. 72 00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:28,876 Here we go. Son, you lost your mind. 73 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,670 I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator. 74 00:03:31,754 --> 00:03:33,422 The buyer is your sister's friend, 75 00:03:33,506 --> 00:03:37,551 this is the printing paper for the entire school district of lackawanna. 76 00:03:37,635 --> 00:03:40,096 You are coming, and that's an order! 77 00:03:40,179 --> 00:03:42,765 You are not my damn boss and you never will be! 78 00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:47,395 Guess what? Never going to happen! Pete. Iced tea! 79 00:03:47,478 --> 00:03:48,938 Three sugars, five creams! 80 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:51,857 Your morning 3x5 coming right up. 81 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:57,321 Well, we won't be late. I love you, mom. Thanks. 82 00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:02,284 Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? 83 00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,829 Oh, um, embassy suites, 84 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,247 do not disturb sign on the door, 85 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:07,474 mommy and daddy are on the floor. 86 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:08,541 (Chuckles) 87 00:04:08,624 --> 00:04:10,626 I wish. What then? 88 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,921 Oh, nothing that exciting. 89 00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,096 Marriage counseling. 90 00:04:22,388 --> 00:04:23,431 Mmm. 91 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:27,518 Did you know, that is the only kind of counseling I've never had. 92 00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:29,353 You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, 93 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:31,564 but I think it could really help. Mmm. 94 00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:34,733 Ifwe're having issues, it can't hurt to talk about them, right? 95 00:04:40,865 --> 00:04:44,452 Hey, Toby. Um... I wanted to ask you a question. 96 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:45,578 Oh, sure. 97 00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,329 It's a little, uh, personal. 98 00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:48,998 Let's do it. Let's get personal. 99 00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:52,209 I wanted to talk to you about your divorce. Whoa. 100 00:04:52,293 --> 00:04:54,503 Sorry. I... No, no, no. What I meant... 101 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,348 What I meant actually, was... no. It's okay, 102 00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:59,383 I can handle it. Uh... so? 103 00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,111 You guys obviously went through some tough times 104 00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,678 leading up to it. (Scoffs) 105 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:03,762 Okay. 106 00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:07,600 I was wondering if you ever did any couples counseling? 107 00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:09,894 Oh sure, lots of times, yeah. 108 00:05:11,270 --> 00:05:14,482 Wait, you and Pam aren't in couples counseling, are you? 109 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:15,566 Oh, god! 110 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:20,404 No, no. We're just starting couples counseling. 111 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,866 Which doesn't sound any better. 112 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:25,493 (Mumbles) 113 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:27,328 Even you guys. 114 00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:29,705 Kelly called it. 2013. 115 00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:35,461 Hey! Hey, hey. No. No. Get out of here. Clark, get out of here. 116 00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:37,463 My mistake. Toby: Yes, it is your mistake. 117 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:40,633 He's lingering, so annoying. 118 00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:42,009 I'm going to kill him. 119 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:45,721 How can I help? I'm here. That's all right. 120 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,515 Hello, William Morris agency? 121 00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:49,099 I need to speak with your best agent 122 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,310 who represents your biggest stars. 123 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:53,854 Yes, I'll hold. 124 00:05:53,938 --> 00:05:56,899 I'm sorry, I misunderstood. Goodbye. 125 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,909 Thank you, Stan. 126 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:09,078 Oh, honey. 127 00:06:10,287 --> 00:06:13,040 Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. 128 00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:14,750 Ribbon cuttings, charity balls. 129 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:18,170 Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. 130 00:06:18,254 --> 00:06:20,798 We just need to face the cameras together, 131 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,676 a beloved public servant and his devoted wife. 132 00:06:23,759 --> 00:06:25,469 And move on. 133 00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:27,721 All right. If! Have to be the good wife, 134 00:06:27,805 --> 00:06:29,390 I'll be the best damned wife there is. 135 00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:32,726 Correction, best darned wife. 136 00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:34,895 Sorry, I'm a better wife than that. 137 00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:36,772 (Sighs) 138 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:39,233 Andy, I need to talk to you. 139 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:42,820 Yeah. Come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. 140 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,114 Itsinsane. This promo with me playing banjo 141 00:06:45,197 --> 00:06:46,824 has 250 views already. 142 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,910 And every time I click, there's more. 251. 143 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:51,745 252. I can't even keep up! 144 00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:53,629 Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call. 145 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,499 (Grunts) 146 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,626 I hate people. 147 00:06:57,710 --> 00:06:59,510 Why do they never do what you need them to do? 148 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:00,879 Stanley has to go, that's final. 149 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,256 So what I'm hearing you say is, 150 00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:04,901 make Stanley go out on this sales call by whatever means possible? 151 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,468 Yes! 152 00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:08,762 I'm sorry I'm being curt. It's just, 153 00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:10,598 I'm about to land a top talent agent. 154 00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:11,765 Mmm-hmm. 155 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,517 Good luck. 156 00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,769 Directory. 157 00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:18,355 Movie star department. 158 00:07:19,273 --> 00:07:21,692 Back. Directory. 159 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:24,445 For five years I've held my instincts in check, 160 00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:26,196 because I wanted to be made manager. 161 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,868 Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. 162 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:34,455 It's kind ofpainful, but it's also freeing, in a way. 163 00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:37,499 Now it's all about my instincts. 164 00:07:41,837 --> 00:07:44,423 Hey, Dwight. Stanley. 165 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,675 One way or another, you are going to come with me 166 00:07:46,759 --> 00:07:47,801 to make this sale. 167 00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:49,219 Pass. 168 00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,222 Hey, can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next? 169 00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:53,986 Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. 170 00:07:54,058 --> 00:07:55,309 Nothing to be alarmed about, 171 00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:57,770 it's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a co-worker. 172 00:07:57,895 --> 00:08:00,397 Dwight, you do not learn, do you? 173 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,567 For a threat to be credible, you have... 174 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,152 How(bleep) 175 00:08:05,778 --> 00:08:08,822 No, you didn't. I'm sick of you and your... (Grunts) 176 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,248 It's all right. Andy approved it. 177 00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,920 Man, he is really in twinkle town now. 178 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:25,047 Is he going to be okay? 179 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,675 I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, 180 00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:29,885 two to three times larger than him? 181 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:33,013 Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, 182 00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:34,783 and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do. 183 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,934 You gave him three shots. (Dwight shushes) 184 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,437 We've got about 45 minutes 185 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:42,523 to get him to the client before he comes to. 186 00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,608 Grab his feet. 187 00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:47,903 Let's go! Move it! All right. 188 00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,655 One, two, three! 189 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:50,823 (Grunts) 190 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:53,200 He's like a manatee. 191 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,327 Ready? Let's go again. Come on. 192 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:59,248 We can do this. One, two, three! 193 00:09:00,249 --> 00:09:02,292 Oh, god. 194 00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,670 No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain. 195 00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,505 We got to get a wheelbarrow or something. 196 00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,048 Yes. 197 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,551 (Grunts) (Pants) 198 00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,220 Okay, we're good. We're good. 199 00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:15,013 Let's go. Oh, my god. 200 00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:18,434 Ianfl push! 201 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,228 Any big weekend plans? 202 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,604 I might see a movie. 203 00:09:22,688 --> 00:09:24,815 Nice. What about you? 204 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,401 Uh, I don't know yet. I was thinking about... 205 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:30,028 Just go right to the top of the stairs, okay? 206 00:09:30,112 --> 00:09:32,573 And then what? 207 00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:34,575 Okay, listen. 208 00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:36,052 I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, 209 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,537 but I've never actually done this before. 210 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:42,458 Well, if! May, you're a natural. 211 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:44,168 Thank you. 212 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:47,004 I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head, like, a thousand times, but... 213 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,131 That's a little weird. 214 00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,341 I know, evel knievel. 215 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:02,102 Okay, that's about as good as that's going to be. 216 00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:03,937 Okay, now here's the plan. 217 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:05,415 I'm going to launch him. I need you to go down 218 00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:06,607 to the bottom and catch him. 219 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:07,983 Catch? Yeah. 220 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:09,818 I can't catch him. He's like, 250 pounds. 221 00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:12,362 Use your hands and just blunt his descent. 222 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,246 Okay? He's going to be moving slowly... blunt? 223 00:10:14,323 --> 00:10:18,702 It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45 degree angle. Get set in your haunches. 224 00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:19,929 It's like you're catching a medicine... 225 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,330 Dude, the size of my haunches... 226 00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:22,414 (Thud) 227 00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:27,252 Okay, good call. 228 00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:28,646 He would have put a hole in your chest, 229 00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:30,030 same as he put a hole in that wall. 230 00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,633 We should probably calla doctor or something, dude. 231 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,389 You okay? 232 00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:40,766 So, how does it work? 233 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:42,684 Is it like, you know, the action of talking 234 00:10:42,768 --> 00:10:45,312 to a third party breaks up the logjam, or... 235 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,064 You're really there to talk to each other. 236 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:50,567 I'd say the therapist is more of a facilitator. 237 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,069 Mmm. 238 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,655 He might start by asking each of you, 239 00:10:54,738 --> 00:10:56,240 "why do you think you're here?" 240 00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:59,201 He took this job in Philly without telling me. 241 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,328 He bought our house without telling me. 242 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:04,039 At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that. 243 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:07,376 If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, 244 00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:10,087 she'd be married to Roy. 245 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,505 (Chuckles) 246 00:11:12,089 --> 00:11:14,442 I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family, 247 00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,301 and then I'm left playing catch up. 248 00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:19,721 If she can just hang on for a little while longer... 249 00:11:19,805 --> 00:11:21,723 This will be so huge for our family. 250 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,935 Well, what's a little while? 251 00:11:25,811 --> 00:11:29,147 What do you mean? I mean, what's the end date? 252 00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:31,942 I mean, it must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy, 253 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,444 if she doesn't know when it's going to end. 254 00:11:34,570 --> 00:11:37,239 That's kind of an impossible question. 255 00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,537 Oh, guys, it's starting, hurry! 256 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:48,876 Oh, there's Angela! 257 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:50,085 I work with her! 258 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,420 Andy: (Chuckles) Yeah. 259 00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:55,173 I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but... 260 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:59,386 That's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, 261 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,639 so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it. 262 00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:03,974 Her hair looks beautiful. 263 00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:07,644 Yeah, we get it, Phyllis! She looks like a freaking movie star! 264 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:09,813 Andy. 265 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:15,694 I would just like to start by saying there have been some rumors 266 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:20,073 about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. 267 00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:24,745 As my long-suffering wife can attest, 268 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:26,288 I am gay. 269 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,664 (People murmuring) 270 00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:31,793 Reporter 1: Senator, were you always gay, or did your wife turn you gay? 271 00:12:31,877 --> 00:12:33,637 Reporter 2: Question for the senator's beard. 272 00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:41,762 I'll say it again for mis amigos iatinos. Yo soy homosexual! 273 00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,138 Pete: Poor Angela. 274 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,641 Yeah, poor Angela. 275 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:49,728 I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. 276 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:53,315 It wasn't until my marriage to Angela 277 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:59,112 that I realized how charmless I find the female body. 278 00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,615 Ooh! Always hurts to hear that one. 279 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:07,079 There is someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez. 280 00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,747 Come on! 281 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:13,210 Oscaris the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. 282 00:13:13,335 --> 00:13:16,630 For the first... Oscar is with the senator, too? 283 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:20,217 Yes! And I knew it the whole time! 284 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:24,721 I kept a secret, I kept a secret so good! 285 00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:28,684 You didn't know, and you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. 286 00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,394 But I knew! 287 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,812 He knew! Yes. 288 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:32,980 We did it! 289 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,189 You did it, Kevin. 290 00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,649 Yes! 291 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,192 Oh! 292 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:40,779 I did it. Oh, I did it. 293 00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,906 And with my new self-awareness, 294 00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:47,202 I was finally able to find love at long last, 295 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:52,582 with my amazing chief of staff, Wesley silver. 296 00:13:52,708 --> 00:13:55,085 Wesley silver is gay? What? 297 00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:56,962 (Gasps) Kevin: Whoa! 298 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,486 Creed: They make a nice couple. (Gags) 299 00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:02,050 (Both panting) 300 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,221 Almost there, almost there. 301 00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:10,684 Okay. We're running late, let's get him inside. 302 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:13,020 We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this. 303 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,354 Are you kidding me? 304 00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:15,581 The bubble wrap is the only thing 305 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,417 that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. 306 00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:19,735 These meetings are all about presentation. 307 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,696 That's actually really smart. Thank you. 308 00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,906 God, ifonly there was any other use 309 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,658 or situation for that kind of knowledge. 310 00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:27,784 Let's get him inside. 311 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,762 Andy: Carla fern is not just an actor's agent. 312 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:33,373 She does writers, directors, travel and real estate. 313 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,710 Actor? 314 00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:38,670 Oh, no. (Chuckles) 315 00:14:38,754 --> 00:14:41,882 Well, I have an act. Dog-cat-mouse. 316 00:14:41,965 --> 00:14:43,800 Yeah, wow. Cool. 317 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:47,345 Is it hard to train them to do that? 318 00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:49,306 Mmm... you go through a lot of mice. 319 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,059 It started by accident, actually, as these things tend to do. 320 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:53,411 You know, I was setting down my cat 321 00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:55,079 and I accidentally put her on top of my dog, 322 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:58,774 and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. 323 00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:00,859 Wait a second. 324 00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,050 Does anything go on top of the mouse? 325 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:04,738 Yeah. 326 00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,657 A little hat. Yeah. Oh, that's cute. 327 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,076 What's the mouse's name? 328 00:15:09,159 --> 00:15:11,995 You know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. 329 00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:16,875 They're kind of like Cannon fodder, you know? 330 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:20,170 You're not one of those peta guys, are you? 331 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,089 Well... oh, great. 332 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:24,591 Wait, wait. How are we doing this? 333 00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:28,011 Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters. 334 00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,555 Just say arms and legs, okay? That's just... 335 00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:32,200 That's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with. 336 00:15:32,224 --> 00:15:33,642 Fine. Let's go. 337 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,102 (Sighs) 338 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,520 Hoist his shank! On three! 339 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,355 What's a shank? It's by the tenderloin. 340 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:41,942 Roll him. Roll him. Okay, good, good. 341 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,152 Okay, careful. He's slouching. Okay. 342 00:15:44,236 --> 00:15:45,862 Can you slouch him into the seat? 343 00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,698 Here, go around, get the seatbelt. 344 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:49,866 All right. 345 00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:53,954 Got it? Yeah. 346 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:55,497 Yep. 347 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,416 (Grunts) 348 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:01,378 Get in the back. 349 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,213 Get in the back. What? 350 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,298 Oh, come on! Get in. 351 00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:06,466 Damn it. 352 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:17,144 Okay, Stanley, do you understand what we're about to do? 353 00:16:17,227 --> 00:16:18,228 Hello. 354 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,391 Okay. There's nobody there. 355 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,773 Hey, listen, listen. 356 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:25,402 We are going to go discuss paper contracts 357 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,405 for city of lackawanna public schools, okay? 358 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,074 Pmeons oh, god thsisbad. 359 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,535 Looks like we've got no choice. 360 00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:36,163 You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson. 361 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,584 Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister? 362 00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:43,962 New plan, okay? 363 00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:46,381 We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. 364 00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:48,300 Let's go. Give me a hand. 365 00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:50,093 Here we go! Come on, Stanley! 366 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:54,347 Here we go! Upsie-doozy, there we go. Okay, all right. 367 00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,725 Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? 368 00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,102 Yeah, what a pretty smile. Let's go. 369 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:03,273 I'm sure athlead will be a huge success, 370 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,941 but I don't want him to do it anymore, 371 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,627 and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, 372 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,029 but I am not moving our family to Philly. 373 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:12,199 Well, if Pam says she won't go, 374 00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:15,619 then we're going to need a lot more than counseling. 375 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,372 That was exhausting. 376 00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:21,291 Blah, blah, blah. 377 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:22,626 Jim. 378 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,377 Vvem they deserve each other. They do. 379 00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,922 That they do. That they do. That is for sure. 380 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:36,765 And for your... oh! Whoopsie Daisy! There. 381 00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:38,934 Stanley, what is going on here? 382 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:41,311 He's fine. He gets carsick really easily. 383 00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:42,663 The drive. It was a long drive. 384 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:44,147 He was in the back seat. 385 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:45,871 But right now, we're talking to Mrs. Davis 386 00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:47,941 about the full range of the products that we offer, 387 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:50,237 and our competitive rates. Right, Stanley? 388 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,782 Ooh! Look at that baby! 389 00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:54,908 Dwight: Stanley. 390 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,284 Stanley: Oh... 391 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:00,288 That's Benji in the middle. 392 00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:03,750 That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. 393 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,919 That's a healthy looking baby. 394 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,254 A very special little boy. 395 00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:08,380 Stanley: Mmm... 396 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:11,800 Look at him! I've never seen such a beautiful child! 397 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:12,985 He has a funny sense of humor. 398 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,487 If you push his nose, he'll go, lleee,” 399 00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:16,012 like this? Watch... 400 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,097 (Laughing) 401 00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:18,265 Like that. 402 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,683 Stanley: A beautiful family. 403 00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:22,352 (All laughing) 404 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:25,063 Right? Come on! 405 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:27,188 Come on! Dwight: Yeah? Maybe I'll never be manager. 406 00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:31,361 But I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman 407 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,780 to close a sale with one of our biggest clients. 408 00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:37,075 And I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. 409 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,678 I think we should consider injecting him 410 00:18:38,702 --> 00:18:40,662 with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis. 411 00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:43,665 So, what can you do? 412 00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,919 Well, what can't I do, right? 413 00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:50,463 I can sing, I can dance, 414 00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,966 I can play the banjo, innit? 415 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:57,554 And if you hadn't noticed, I got a pretty good British accent. 416 00:18:57,679 --> 00:18:58,805 Can you drive a car? 417 00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:01,975 At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here. 418 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:06,730 Why do you have a high school musical here on your resume? 419 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,190 What are you, like, 40, 45? 420 00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,651 My exact age is 28 to 34, 421 00:19:11,735 --> 00:19:12,986 so basically just send me out 422 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:14,749 on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on. 423 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:20,243 Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap? 424 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:22,954 Yes, and yes. 425 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:27,250 Would you dress up as say, a birthday clown, 426 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:30,295 and go to a kid's party and let them throw pies atyou? 427 00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:38,136 Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, 428 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:42,265 I do understand that you have to build credibility. 429 00:19:43,266 --> 00:19:44,266 I'm all for it. 430 00:19:44,309 --> 00:19:46,603 Well, Mr. Bernard, I'll be honest with you. 431 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,898 Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much. 432 00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:53,610 Oh. No. We're going to take you on as a client. 433 00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,323 You are? 434 00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:02,911 Yes! Yes! 435 00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:06,706 Are you being for real right now? 436 00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:08,333 Oh, man. 437 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,626 Ah. Yes! 438 00:20:09,918 --> 00:20:11,294 I need this so bad. 439 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:15,382 I really think this is what could fix me. 440 00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:21,012 We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. 441 00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:23,473 Pay Todd on your way out. 442 00:20:24,599 --> 00:20:27,769 Most talent agents take 10% of whateverjobs they get you. 443 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:34,025 But with Carla, you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. 444 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:36,569 And that includes headshots. 445 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,029 Oh, it doesn't include headshots. 446 00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:39,572 Itdoesnt include headshots. 447 00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:42,951 Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. 448 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,661 I'm still getting a bargain, though. 449 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,585 So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids 450 00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:54,421 and we closed it? 451 00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:55,940 You earned yourself a nice, fat commission 452 00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,800 and you didn't even know it. 453 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:01,469 I'll go tell Andy the good news. 454 00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:03,513 Oh, silly me. 455 00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:06,433 Got to take the stairs. Oh, no. I'm not doing that again. 456 00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:08,518 You got me down, you got to get me back up. 457 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,270 No, no. 458 00:21:20,363 --> 00:21:22,490 We need a winch and a hoist.